It was after midnight and she was still wide awake.

She was waiting for him to call. She had been waiting for days. Day after day. Night after night.

The last time he had called, she had thought that he was playing his normal game with a little teasing, being teased in return. Stuff like that. But then he had started talking about the two of them. Not this normal "You chase, I run" or "When we were young" thing.

He had talked about their future. That they still could have one together.

And somewhere in this conversation she hadn't been able to bear it any longer. She didn't want to allow herself to have such irrational feelings, such dreams of a happy life with a white picket fence, two children, a wonderful house, a dog …

So she had told time to shut up and go to hell.

He had stopped talking.

She had heard him taking a deep breath.

Then just this little word.

"Okay." And he had hung up.

It had been two weeks since that last call.

Not a note or a call from him since then.

He hadn't even called Sydney.

She felt sorry. It had been wrong to say it. But her façade had been becoming weaker with every word he had said. And she couldn't allow him to become so close again to her heart. He once had been the man with whom she had wanted to spend the rest of her life. Back then, she had only been a little girl. But it had felt right to dream those dreams. Now, more than two decades later, it just didn't feel right anymore.

She had no right to have these dreams. After all she'd done to him, after all she'd experienced, after all that had come between them.

No, she couldn't allow herself to get lost in these fantasies. And neither could she allow him to do so.

So why did she feel so guilty? Hadn't she said these words to protect him?

It's 3 AM and I finally say
I'm sorry for acting that way
I didn't really mean to make you cry
Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why

He had told her about how he would decorate their house, how he would name their dog and their cat, how they would go for picnics on Sundays.

It had been too much for her.

She had wanted to tell him that she had the same dreams when she lay awake late at night. That she couldn't get these thoughts out of her mind. Even when she was awake.

But all she had said was "Shut up and go to hell!".

Not exactly like what she had wanted to say.

Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you

She hated herself for doing it. Time after time.

For telling him all the harsh things and not telling him the good things.

Maybe it would brighten up his day. And maybe it would give him the strength to bring down the Centre.

But maybe that was exactly what she was afraid of.

What would she do if they could finally be together?

I know I'd never let you walk away
So why do I push you 'til you break
And why are you always on the verge of good-bye
Before I'll show you how I really feel inside

Would they go on playing this silly game? Would they just leave it all behind? Start all over again? Was that what she really wanted?

But what if she was no longer the person he saw in her, the person she hoped was still somewhere inside her?

Maybe it had been doubt that had told her to tell him to go to hell.

And now her heart was telling her otherwise.

Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you

She was crying again. Like she had every single night since their last talk.

But then her phone rang and without hesitating or wiping away her tears she picked it up.


"I'm disappointed. What did happen to your "What?!" and why do you still expect me to call you after you've told me to go to hell?"

He sounded hurt.

But at least, he had called again.

There was still hope.

"Because I hoped you knew that I didn't mean those things I've said. And it seems as if I'd been right."



"Yes, Miss Parker?"

"I'm glad you called."


She knew he wanted to hang up again.


He didn't say a word.

"Please don't hang up."


She could tell from the sound of his voice and the few words he had said how hurt he was.

And she felt sorrier than she had ever before.

"I'm sorry I said all these things. I really didn't mean them. It's just …"

She didn't know how to explain it to him.

"Jarod, sometimes I'm asking myself why I say things like said, why I act like I do, why I hurt the ones I … the ones I love …"

Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
Why do I do that to you

He was silent.

"I know, Parker. And I love you, too."


P.S. The song is called "Why" and belongs to Jason Aldean. I know the end is VERY … you know … ;-)