Can you guess who's who?

"R2?" said C3PO in his ridiculously exaggerated English accent, "Where are you?"

His question was answered as he turned a corner and saw R2D2 with Princess Leia bending over him saying: "Remember – stick to the plan". She disappeared somewhere shortly afterwards.

"Where are you going?" asked C3PO as R2 began to move in a different direction. "Oh, this is bad! At this rate I'll die before I become the galaxy's greatest protocol droid!"

R2D2 responded by entering an escape pod.

"Where are you going?" asked 3PO.

R2 made some of his usual beeping noises.

"This is a bad idea. And this is not time to be talking about intestines, or any other internal organ for that matter!"

There was a brief pause.

"This is a bad idea," repeated 3PO, getting into the pod.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Princess Leia's ship, Darth Vader and some stormtroopers had just blasted their way in. Currently, Vader was strangling one of the higher ranking captured rebels while asking about... oh, right, some transmissions or something.

"Won't talk, eh?" said Vader.

"Well, duh!" said one of the lower ranking captured rebels, "He's Shino."

Vader killed the rebel just in time for the arrival of an anonymous higher ranking imperial lackey.

"Sir, we've found the princess!"

She was marched in by several stormtroopers.

"Darth Vader," she said, "only you would be so bold. This is a diplomatic vessel!"

"Don't play dumb with me." replied Vader, "This ship has received several transmissions from rebel spies. And I suggest you tell me where they are or else..."

"Or else what?"

Or else Palpatine-kun will never love me! thought Vader.

"Or else I'll extract them by force! Cha!" said Vader. "Take her away!"

Later, having evaded imperial soldiers for purely plot reasons, C3PO and R2D2 walked across the deserts of the planet Tatooine, where their escape pod had landed.

"We're lost! This is all your fault, you malfunctioning hunk of grease!" whined 3PO.

R2 responded with the usual beeping noises.

"What do you mean? There isn't one good thing about this situation."

Beeping noises.

"But copious quantities of sand are a bad thing!"

Beeping noises.

"You silly little thing! How many times must I remind you – droids don't have mothers. And where are you going?"

Beeping noises.

"What makes you think there are settlements over there?" asked 3PO.

R2 made some beeping noises.

"Well, whatever this thing inside you is, I don't trust it!" replied 3PO. "I'm going that way – its much flatter."

Thus, R2D2 and C3PO split up, but were soon reunited after being captured by Jawa. Anyway, lets just skip to the part where they're sold off to simple farmboy of mysterious parentage Luke Skywalker and his killjoy uncle, Owen Lars.

"Are you a protocol droid?" asked Owen.

"I'm not just any protocol droid!" said C3PO, "I'm going to be the galaxy's greatest protocol droid!" Running the risk of just not being annoying enough, 3PO added: "Believe it!"

"Can you speak binary?"

"Yes! I never fail in linguistic matters: thats my droid way!"

"Fine," said Owen to the head Jawa, "we'll take this protocol droid and that blue R2 unit."

"Um... er... uncle," said Luke as they walked away with the two new droids, "can I go to the Toshi Station after this?"

"You can play with your friends later – you are still weak." replied Owen, "Do you wish to shame yourself in front of the Lars Branch House?"

"But... um... er..." began Luke, "of course not, uncle."

"Besides, I need you to clean these robots."

Meanwhile, on the evil side...

"Palpatine-kun!" squealed Vader, "I intercepted a rebel ship! Did you see?"

Galactic Emperor Palpatine stared at her blankly.

"Go use the mind probe on Princess Leia."

"Aren't you proud of me?" continued Vader, "Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you proud of me?"

This time, he glared at her.


"Aww..." she said, sagging quietly and walking away.

Back to the protagonists!

"I say!" declared 3PO, "The only thing better than bathing in hot oil is bathing in ramen broth!"

R2D2 made the most hostile beeping sound imaginable as Luke cleaned his carapace.

And of course now we come to the point where Luke discovers a message from Princess Leia stored on R2D2.

"W-whats this..." mused Luke as a projection of Princess Leia appeared in the air.

"Obi Wan Kenobi!" said the astral Leia, "Get off your ass and help me! I don't care if its trou- Obi Wan Kenobi! Get off your ass and help me! I don't care if its trou- Obi Wan Kenobi! Get off your ass and help me! I don't care if its trou-"

"Hmm..." said Luke, switching it off.

"Perhaps if you remove the restraining bolt?" suggested 3PO.

"W-well... I, er... suppose you wouldn't run off unless you were... um... well... insane." said Luke. He pried the Jawa-installed device off R2D2, who promptly shut down. Then he hauled his disappointed self off to eat.

Unluckily for Luke, R2, the galaxy's only eyeliner wearing droid, escaped soon after the restraining bolt was removed. An attempt to retrieve him resulted in an attack by Sound Raiders and Luke being rescued by local mysterious old man Ben Kenobi.

"Jeez. Can I go ten seconds without having to rescue someone?" asked Kenobi.

"Um... Kenobi-san..." began Luke, blushing as usual.

"Yeah, yeah, what is it?"

"I was... wondering if you'd heard of... of... um... er..." Luke took a deep breath, "of Obi Wan Kenobi?"

"Oh right." said Kenobi, "That's me."

He sighed.

"The Sound Raiders scare easily, but they'll be back, and in greater numbers. Man, I wish I were a Sound Raider. They have it so easy."

He sighed again.

"Lets get inside."

"Th-this is the message I found." said Luke, slightly later.

"Obi Wan Kenobi!" said the astral Leia, "Get off your ass and help me! I don't care if its trou- Obi Wan Kenobi! Get off your ass and help me! I don't care if its trou- Obi Wan Kenobi! Get off your ass and help me! I don't care if its trou-"

Obi Wan fiddled with something on the droid and the message played in full.

"Obi Wan Kenobi! Get off your ass and help me! I don't care if its troublesome! My father says that you fought with him in the Clone Wars, and that you were the laziest man he'd ever met. So you'd damn well better not give up on me!"

"Oh great." said Obi Wan.

There was a long pause.

"The Force is strong in you, young Skywalker."

"But... whats The Force?" asked Luke, in the true tradition of terrible exposition.

"The force..." said Kenobi, vacantly looking out the window, "is a kind of energy. It surrounds us and penetrates us. Also, its one of the few things in the universe that isn't a drag. Anyway, we should probably go see if your adoptive parents are dead."

"But... why would they be dead?"

Kenobi shrugged.