A/N: The Doctor/Kamelion/Cyberleader story mentioned in the text does NOT exist, as far as I know. The One/Rose does. That would be Calapine's "Closed Circle", and it really is good (located on this site but the link won't display properly; use the search engine or find story # 2740005). I made up the summary of the awful story, though I have read real ones that are just as bad.
It began as a quiet, peaceful afternoon. The Doctor was trying to fix the TARDIS once more. Rose was not helping. Instead, she was curled up in a chair in a corner of the console room in front of the computer the Doctor had set up for her. It was connected to the Internet circa 2006, and Rose was visiting her favourite fan-fiction site. At first she had been amazed simply to find that so many authors wrote stories about her and the Doctor, or his other companions, acquaintances, and enemies. Then she had read some of the offerings and become addicted. The Doctor even occasionally glanced at the site and had been known to enjoy a story here and there, though he couldn't resist correcting the authors' timelines and facts.
Rose was much easier to please. If a story particularly moved her, she would sniffle. If one amused her, she laughed. Sometimes, when she came across a totally inept piece of writing, she groaned in dismay. But all of that was before today. Because today, she did something entirely different. Today, she screamed. It was a low, painful scream of disbelief, and it echoed throughout the TARDIS.
The Doctor dropped his tools and rushed to her side. "What? Did you finally find that story about me, Kamelion, and the Cyberleader?"
Rose, breathing hard, glanced at him. "You and who and the Cyberleader? No, that isn't it. Look. Just read the summary of this story." She jabbed a finger at the screen.
The Doctor looked at the top of the list of new stories. The synopsis of the first one read: "summery: it is Time 4 a new adveture in the caribean and the tardis crashes int he wrong Place agian. Drose. i suk at summeries p;us i posted this at 3 in teh morning and have Dislexia and my cat just died and o yah i didnt use a beated reader, is that okey? PLS PLS PLS R&R!!!!!!!!!!!! or my ded cat will atack u!" He looked at Rose. "I hate to say it, but that isn't even the worst summary I've ever read."
"But have you ever seen that before?" She indicated the screen again.
The Doctor reviewed the summary. Yes, he had previously encountered random capitalisation, lack of proofreading, horrible spelling, chatspeak, missing capitalisation, bad excuses, begging for reviews, and threats directed at readers. But then he spotted the one thing he had never seen before, and couldn't believe he had overlooked it on his first reading. It chilled his blood even more than it was already chilled, and would have made his hair stand on end if it could have. "Drose?" he whispered. "Did I read that right? Drose?"
Rose nodded. "Drose," she repeated, her voice dripping with venom.
She and the Doctor looked at each other. Together they said, "It's happened."
"I was hoping it never would," Rose continued by herself. "I didn't think it was too much for ask for. At least, I hoped it wasn't. I see now that I was wrong. Because they have begun to use the word 'Drose' to refer to us as a couple. We are no longer 'Doctor/Rose' or 'Ten/Rose' or anything normal."
"But if they call us Drose," the Doctor sensibly pointed out as he settled down in the chair next to her, "how do readers know when a story is about you and my ninth self, as opposed to you and, say, my first self?"
Rose looked at him pityingly. "Doctor, authors who would call us Drose are not going to write stories about me and any incarnation of you except the ninth or tenth one. In fact, no one would ever write fanfic about your first self and me."
The Doctor cleared his throat significantly.
Rose deflated. "Oh. Someone already has."
"But it's really quite good," the Doctor hastened to assure her. "Do you want to read it? I have it bookmarked."
"Maybe later," Rose said very quietly.
"Anyway," the Doctor continued, "obviously if people write about my first self and you, they need a special name for that ship. For instance, Nine/Rose would clearly be called Nose, and Ten/Rose would be Toes, spelt t-o-e-s instead of t-o-s-e because it's more nauseating that way."
"So what would One/Rose be? Onose?" Rose reasoned aloud. "Sounds appropriate."
The Doctor continued, "Two/Rose could be Twose, and Three/Rose is Throse."
Rose nodded. "Throse isn't so terrible. I mean, if you spell it t-h-r-o-e-s."
"As in 'throes of passion'." The Doctor considered, then shook his head. "No, that wouldn't work. Then people would just start thinking your name is spelled R-o-e-s, like the ship name is. In fact, I'm surprised some don't think so right now." Before he could give more weight to the possibility that this unfortunate situation had indeed already occurred, he proceeded with his list. "Four/Rose. That's a harder one. Fose? Foose? Forose?"
"Let's forget that one and move on to Five," Rose said hastily. "Five/Rose could be Fise. No, how about Fiose... Firose... Fivose... no, those are terrible. You know what's really sad? I wouldn't mind a Five/Rose story, as long as there wasn't a ridiculous name for it. Because Five was pretty cute."
"Moving on," the Doctor spoke over her, "we have Six/Rose. That would have to be Sixse."
Neither of them said anything for a moment.
Finally, Rose resumed the list. "Seven/Rose. That's another tough one. Seose? Sevose? Serose?"
"And we'll have to get creative to be able to do anything with Eight, too," the Doctor realised. "Otherwise we'll end up with messes like Eose or Eise."
"Then we're back to Nine and Ten, Nose and Toes," Rose said. With a mighty effort, she kept from giggling.
"But there are many more relationships for authors to desecrate with their special names," the Doctor reminded her.
"Yes, because you have so many other 'friends' you never told me about," Rose shot back.
"And I'll do it now," the Doctor promised. "Some of them, anyway. For instance, Liz was a friend of my third self."
"Three/Liz," said Rose. "How about Tiz? That's actually not as awful as most of the others."
"They'll get worse," the Doctor promised. "Because what can you do with Four and Romana? Nothing good, I assure you."
Rose tried anyway. "Fomana. Foumana. Foana." She gave up in despair. "And that's a popular pairing, isn't it?"
The Doctor sighed. "Yes. Ten/Romana is also gaining in popularity. I don't think I can bear to see 'Temana' in that many summaries."
"Maybe you won't have to."
The Doctor brightened. "Really? Why not?"
"Maybe the authors will decide to call it Tomana instead."
"You're not helping, Rose," the Doctor informed her.
"Well, what else do you have?"
"There are the authors who like to pair me with myself. Five/Eight is one of the more common combinations."
"Feight, pronounced like 'fate', because you're so adorable together," Rose answered. "If they did Five/Ten, it could be Fin or Fen."
"And back to me and my travelling companions, there's Four/Leela."
"Feela," Rose pronounced.
"Five/Adric," the Doctor offered.
Rose simply looked at him. "K9 is a dog."
"Not a real one," the Doctor pointed out.
"And that makes it so much better? All right, fine, 49, then. Anyone else?"
"Five/Master has a bit of a following," the Doctor said.
"That would have to be Faster." Rose blanched. "Or Fister."
They fell silent again, both looking and feeling very morose indeed.
Despite his depression, however, the Doctor was concentrating very hard on coming up with a possible solution to this latest disaster. He had defeated Daleks and Cybermen and the Slitheen. He had saved planets many times over. Surely a contingent of fanfic authors wouldn't be able to overcome him.
Then he had it. He knew the solution, and it was such a simple one, it wouldn't even require much action on his part. He nudged Rose and indicated the computer monitor. "There's no need to be concerned! This isn't an epidemic. So one author called us Drose. Well, that doesn't mean anything. No one else will do it, and that single story will be forgotten. Here, I'll prove it." He reached over and refreshed the page.
Up popped a list of the newest stories added to the site.
Time Will Tell, by dRoSe-FaNaTiC
Drose Forever!, by Mrs.Tennant
a drose songfic, by Rose638975
The list went on and on. The word Drose appeared on every line.