"A Quartermaine Death"

Alice stood in the doorway. This family was absolutely horrible with death. Most people would say this family is just horrible. She knew better, particularly with the one she was sleeping with.

"Dr. Monica?"

"Yes, Alice?" Monica took a break from sparring with Tracy.

"Dr. Baldwin called. She wanted to tell you she'll be over in a half-hour. Something about rescuing you from the viper pit?" Alice acted confused.

"Typical Gail." Monica muttered. "Thanks, Alice."

"Perhaps with the photo, if I may? Put out more then one photo. Some from childhood, some with friends, some with family. Some formal, some informal. It doesn't matter the location. I don't think people will be forgetting why they are here."

"Thanks, Alice. That's a good idea. I'll get Grandmother's albums." Emily said.

"I'll call the airport make sure Ned's flight is on time." Edward left.

Tracy remained seating. "I know what you are going to say."

"You lost your protector."

"Yeah." She whispered

"You think you might be banish at anytime."

Tracy begun to tear up. She nodded.

"And you haven't slept or eaten since Alan's death." Alice knew that for a fact.

"Yeah."

"Let me take care of you." Alice whispered. Tracy stiffened.

"My brother is dead and you want sex. God, Alice!"

"I want you to eat, sleep, and bathe. Whether or not we have sex is up to you, sweetheart! Oh by the way, lay off of Monica! Attack everyone else but not Monica. She lost Alan. I know he was yours first but he was going to be hers for eternity. Please, baby?"

A snicker came from the corner.

"Oh what now?"

"Nothing. It's just I've had this conversation many times with Alan." Monica laughed. "Oh, God, Quartermaines should come with warning labels. They seem all normal but once you married them and the family swoops in…"

Tracy opened her mouth to defend her family but Alice spoke first.

"I know! And those weird Quartermaine quirks, like the no food touching thing…"

"Oh! That's so weird! And Emily does that, too! She wasn't a Quartermaine for ten years but she does the food thing." Monica laughed. "Thank you, I needed to laugh. I think I'm going for a walk. I'll take my cell so call me when Gail gets here."

"O.k." Alice smiled at Monica fondly as she left the room.

Tracy looked at Alice. "Could you hold me?"

"Of course. I'll have Claudia make you some soup." Alice ducked down to kiss Tracy when they realized a chill came over the room. "That's weird. Usually your father keeps this room so warm."

"Yeah, I'll meet you in our room, my room." Alice realized how distracted Tracy was when the slip about the room came out.

Tracy looked around. "Alan?"


"Tracy Lila!" Alan appeared. "Could you not mess with my will?"

"Good grief! Could you stay dead? What is with the men in this family?!"

"I was going to give you money. If you can't do want I want, everyone will share the money." Alan asked as they walked upstairs.

"Stupid traditional Quartermaine twist. Can't you float upstairs?" Tracy grumbled. "You always walked too slowly."

"Quit avoiding the question."

"What do you want from me? You must have something better to do. Haunt Monica, go play with the lights."

"I want you to divorce Luke." Tracy almost tripped on the stairs.

"What?!"

"Divorce Luke, throw him and Lulu out and marry Alice." Alan repeated patiently. "Really, living people are so slow sometimes."

"Alan, there's something you should know." Tracy paused. "Luke knows about Alice and me. "

Alan raised an eyebrow. "Then why stay married to him? Or remarry him?"

"Imagine Daddy's reaction when I come out only as a bisexual but dating my mud wrestling maid."

"Technically she's Monica's mud wrestling maid." Alan pointed out.

"Oh, shut up." Tracy said as she slammed door in Alan's face.

"Well, that was rude. I wonder what Monica's up to…" Alan floated down the hall.


"Honey, this is going to sound weird." Tracy shifted in Alice's arms where she sipped a cup of soup.

"What?"

"Alan's haunting me!"

"Mmmm…not that weird." Alice kissed Tracy's forehead. "You miss your brother, and lack of sleep and food…"

"Honey, I'm not making this up." Tracy said.

"I know."

"Alice, could you…I know I yelled at you before but God I need you…" Tracy just wanted to forget.

"Ok. Are you sure?" Alice searched Tracy's eyes.

"Alice, I just want to forget about what's going on. Please, just let me forget my family, and death, and my stepdaughter and oh…" Tracy's mouth was covered by Alice's warm one.


"Monica I'm sorry I wasn't here before. The flights were a pain to get through security."

"I'm just happy you made it back. Brook, what a nice surprise!" Monica hugged the girl.

"Yeah, well, I might be moving back here for good." Brook Lyn muttered.

Monica raised her eyebrows.

"Mother-daughter issues." Ned explained.

"Ah."

"Hey, Ned, Brook. Monica, have you seen mom?" Dillon asked.

"No. Not since… you know what she might be laying down. "Monica looked thoughtfully.

"She went to bed earlier. But I know she would want to see you and Brook Lyn." Edward said to Ned.

"Of course." They headed upstairs

"Um, that might a bad idea." Monica said. No one pay attention. She shrugged"I tried."

"Why would it be a bad idea?" Edward asked.

"Um, Tracy isn't alone."

"Is Luke with her?"

"Hello, Q'Maines."

Edward looked at Luke and glanced upstairs.

"Who's in bed with Tracy?"

Monica merely shook her head.


"Allie, thank you." Tracy snuggled sleepily in her lover's arms. "I needed that."

"Tracy!"

"Alan!" Tracy cried.

"Alan?!" Alice was looking around pulling up the covers.

"On the chair." Tracy said.

"Dillon, Ned and Brook are on their way up. In fact-"There was a knock on the door.

"You couldn't warn us earlier?" Tracy shouted.

"Hey! I'm still getting use to this ghost thing."

"Mom?" Ned opened the door. "I heard shouting…oh!"

"What's wrong?" Dillon barged in the room, with Brook Lyn close on his heels.

"Oh my god! This family is so messed up!"

"I'm sorry. We'll leave you alone." Ned backed out of the room, taking the others with him.

"Kind of kills the mood?" Alice groaned.

Tracy just groaned and pulled the covers over her head.


"I did try to warn you." Monica said.

"I know. " Ned shook his head. "How long has this going on?"

"Um, Alan knew since the first time Luke took off." Monica shrugged "I figured it out a week after."

"No wonder they fight so much." Edward commented. "The stress of hiding your relationship…I should know the number of affairs I've had."

"Hi." Tracy walked into room. "Ned, Brook, welcome home. Monica, I'm sorry about… " Monica waved her apology off.

"We are all having a rough week."

"Yeah. Um, Alice is going talk to Claudia, Cook, I mean."

"Tracy, are you o.k.?" Monica asked.

"Um, I just…" Tracy sighed. "Yeah. I just need to sleep and usually after we…."

"Oh." Edward blustered with the papers he was looking at.

"So I'm going to sleep right now. If no one needs me…"

Tracy walked out of the room.

"I miss Lila." Edward smiled wistfully.

"We all do, Grandfather." Ned said.

"So my grandmother is a lesbian?"

"Trace's bi." Monica said absently. "Ned, have you finished your eulogy?

"Sure. You're very causal about this." Ned said.

"I've known for a while and well, my husband's dead kind of takes priority."

"Oh." Ned supposed that was true enough.


Luke entered the kitchen.

"Is Alice around, Claudia?"

"Um, she's around. Apparently your wife and Alice are having quite the day."

"Oh?"

"Brook Lyn, Dillon and Ned walked in on them."

"You mean? The secret's out?"

"Something is…." Claudia muttered.

"Claudia, Dr. Monica wants just appetizers." Alice walked in. "Luke."

"Here. I bought a gift for you." Luke made a big show of giving the papers to Alice. "Via the Dominican Republic." "Ah. Thanks." Alice glanced at the papers. "You're a good man, Luke." She leaned down and kissed him.

"You and him?" Edward walked in on the kiss. "How do these relationships even work?"

"You're Quartermaines, they don't."Claudia muttered as she left the room.

Alice and Luke laughed. "Oh, Pops. I'll miss you. Bye, Alice."


Alan stood in doorway of the living room.

"Nice funeral."

"You're going to comment on your own funeral?" Tracy asked.

"I got nothing else to do why not?"

"Hmm. You're a lousy ghost, you know that?" Tracy cried. "Just like you were a lousy brother. How could you leave me? Even when Daddy banished me, you wrote me when Mother wouldn't. You promised never to leave me!"

Monica walked on Tracy sobbing.

"Tracy?"

"He left. He promised me he never would leave me. How?" Tracy stopped breathing.

"Oh, sweetie. He didn't want to. "Monica hugged Tracy. "You are like him in so many ways."

Tracy sniffed. "Really?"

"Yeah. That's going to be hard for me. To see you and not your counterpart. I'm going to go to the hospital. I need to get out of this damn house!"

"Ah, but it's your damn house and Alan gave it to you."

"Yeah well…Tracy, it's none of my business but just for the sake of the family, you might want to talk to the Black Sheep Quartermaines." Monica said, referring to the dark hair side of the family.

"Monica, I can't deal with this now. I can't deal with the fact I'm cheating on my husband with my housekeeper."

"You aren't. Well, not anymore. Luke dropped these off an hour ago." Alice placed the papers on the tables. Tracy glanced at the papers.

"Hell of a time to do the right thing, Spencer." She grabbed a pen and signed her name. "We are getting a copy of these framed."

Monica realized something. "Lulu has no reason to be in my house ever again. Alice, I could kiss you."

"O.k. but Tracy might have a problem." Alice smirked.

"Damn straight!"

"That's an interesting choice word, dear." Alice leaned her face forward down towards Tracy. "I prefer you not to be straight." She teasingly kissed Tracy.

"Well, I 'm off. Good luck. Try not to throw stuff." Monica left.

"Alone. No Luke," Alice sat down on the couch pulling Tracy in her lap. "No Lulu. No Alan?"

Tracy glanced around. "No Alan. Alone. "Her hand immediately got ensnared in Alice's hair. "Thank you for keeping me in control today. Thank you for this afternoon and this morning, last night…"
"Dear, you don't have to thank me for every twenty-four hours we spent together. Just have to thank me for not harming your family in their sleep." Alice felt Tracy's body relaxed.

"Mother, I wonder if you've read---"Ned stopped. "I'm sorry. I seem to be interrupting today."

"Not a problem, Mr. Ned. I need to check on something on the kitchen. Find me if you need me."

"Ned."
"What?"

"You're sleeping with my mother; I think we can drop the formalities."

"Ned." Alice agreed, patting him on the shoulder as she passed by.

"So…." Ned plopped down on the couch.

"So…." Tracy immediately put on her guard.

"We've been talking about it." Ned started.

"We have now?"

"We think you deserved happiness and if sleeping with Alice makes you happy, go for it."

Tracy nodded, amused. "Oh, good. I'm happy you're happy I'm sleeping with our housekeeper. Ned!" She lovingly slapped him across the back of his head. "Do I care what the three of you think about my love life? I slept with Alice this afternoon, I'll probably sleep with her, tonight. It's a way to burn off the adrenaline high "

"O.k.…" Ned nodded.

"I'll probably see what she wants to do for the next couple years after that." Tracy saw Alan appeared in the chair. "You don't see it?"

"See what? Why did it get so cold in here?" Ned shivered. "I'll check the heat."

"You do that." Tracy watched as Ned left the room. "Can you stop with the heat thing? People are noticing."

"Sorry, I'm still getting used to this entering a room. Mother can do it without affecting the heat but…" Alan shrugged.

"How is Mother?" Tracy interrupted.

"Well. She likes you and Alice much better then Luke. She thought Luke was a bad influence. Look, I'm going to be popping in and out once and while. I'll work on the heat thing. Apparently, I'm your guardian, so you know I'll be checking up on you, etc., etc."

"Wait why do only I get a guardian? Surely I haven't been that bad." Tracy asked.

Alan merely waved before disappearing.


In another room in the Quartermaine mansion.

"Edward Louis Quartermaine!" Edward's guardian bellowed.

"Yes Lila, dear?"

"We need to talk!"

"Again? What did I do now?"