Monty Python and the Quest For the One Ring
A fanfic lovingly ripped off from the new musical SPAMalot
by Argenteus Draco
The orchestra can be heard tuning in the pit. An annoyed author taps her notebook impatiently.
Author: Hello? Are you ready?
Author: Then we'll begin.
The orchestra, composed mainly of swooning fangirls, strikes up a brilliant fanfare as the lights come up on a large map of Middle-earth. The overture continues through all the tunes, which are stuck permanently in the audience's heads, and finally a fangirl with a bit more composure enters the stage.
Fangirl: Middle-earth, sometime during the third age. A continent divided: to the east, the Men of Gondor; to the west, the hobbits; above, nothing but woodland, and some extraordinarily hot elves from Mirkwood. In Minas Tirith, Osgiliath and Dol Amroth, plague. In the kingdoms of Rohan, Mordor, and Lothlorien, plague. In Rivendell, and the Shire, plague, with a 50 chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the northeast at—what? Oh, no plague. Never mind then.
Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader, who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom. A man with a vision, who lead the Fellowship to destroy the One Ring. This man was Aragorn, rightful heir of Isildur. For this was Gondor!
The curtain rises, to reveal a company of Orcs all dressed in colorful skirts and wooden tap shoes.
Orcs: Mordor, Mordor, Mordor
That's the country for me!
The Orcs begin to dance, while the Author looks on, horrified.
Author: Oh no… when I wrote this, I didn't think… Oh Eru, save us…
The company divides into dancing pairs, a girl and boy in each. The leader takes center stage as the fangirl goes to bang her head against a wall.
Lead Orc: Mordor is the country where we dance
Mordor is the country where we play
Here in Mordor boy and girl can find a true romance
In traditional Orcish courting ways!
All of the girls – which are apparently the ones wearing pants. Who knew? – take out fish and begin to playfully slap their partners with them.
Lead: Shlip and shlap away!
Lead: Shlap away all day!
Lead: You simply can't go wrong
In traditional fish shlapping song!
There is a particularly loud whack, as the Fangirl begins attacking the lead orc with an unusually large fish. Unfortunately, she is thwarted in quest at beating him senseless by Gollum, who runs across the stage, grabs the fish, and runs off with it in his mouth.
Orcs: Mordor Mordor Mordor
The country where I quite want to be
Random Orc #27: Pony trekking
Random Orc #42: Or camping
Orcs: Or just watching TV
Mordor, Mordor, Mordor!
That's the country for me!
By this point, the Author can take no more. She cuts off the orchestra and climbs out of the pit to stare down the company.
Author: I said Gondor.