Disclaimer; I don't own the characters and I don't want to admit to owning the plot. Sadly we all know that no one else would think of this stuff so I have to take the blame.
WARNING; while there's nothing explicit in this chapter it isn't for the kids either.
"Hey Hermione," Harry prompted late one night while they were doing homework in the common room.
Harry flushed a bit, "Is there anything wrong with me? You know... boyfriend wise?"
Hermione looked up suddenly, "Why are you asking me? I thought you were going out with Padma?"
"We broke up a few weeks ago," Harry's voice hinted that he was surprised she didn't already know.
"So those rumors about you and Susan Bones..."
"We broke up," Harry said entirely too quickly, his eyes desperately searching for somewhere safe to stare innocently.
Knowledge blossomed on Hermione's horrified face, "Oh my god, tell me the other rumors weren't true... Not that there's anything wrong with Slytherins... I mean..." She hastily backpedaled.
"Daphne... We broke up," He shook his head to clear it, "just answer my original question please. Do I have any horribly bad, really awful traits that if I don't fix you'll stop speaking to me eventually?"
"I don't think so," Hermione thought about it for a minute. "You do tend to run into danger instead of away from it, but short of getting yourself killed in some kind of foolish stunt I don't intend to stop being friends with you anytime soon."
Hermione froze, then broke out laughing. "I think we just found your problem. Harry, while all girls want to feel loved, I don't think that..."
"No, I mean it. Marry me, please!" He cut her off. "You're obviously the only other sane person left on this planet. If I don't take you off the market now we'll both be stuck with crazy people. I don't want to fear for my virtue all the time."
"Ok, seriously, what the hell?"
"Have you ever heard of the three date rule? The one that says if you don't sleep with someone by the third date you never will?"
"Is that what you're worried about?" Hermione flushed a bit but continued anyway. "It's perfectly normal for people to experiment a bit in their younger years. Not that I would know firsthand but sex is supposed to be a very special thing."
"I'm sure it is, and that's great and all, but that's not really what I meant. I really think we may be the only sane people left. For example, let's just say there's a reason the Slytherins live in the Dungeons."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm sure that in a healthy committed relationship a bit of role playing might be a bit fun or even kinky, but when on your first date she mentions that she's always wanted a gimp of her own, you know you might be crossing over into some really weird territory." Harry nodded as Hermione's face began to pale. "Call me strange but the sight of Draco Malfoy wearing nothing but a leather collar while he's being used as a footstool does not fit in my idea of a romantic evening by the fire."
"Bad mental image!" Hermione scrunched up her face trying to get rid of it. "Ok so a few Slytherins may have some odd ideas about sex. That doesn't mean the world is full of crazy people. Now what was wrong with Susan? Surely a Hufflepuff can't be that bad."
"Hufflepuffs take the ideals of teamwork, friendship, and sharing entirely too far," Harry said bluntly. "I'm a guy so I'll admit that not all my dreams feature only one girl, but there are limits. Snogging Susan on the couch was nice, and it was definitely interesting when Hannah stole her for some fun of her own, but things got out of hand when Justin, Ernie, and Meghan Jones decided to join the party. They're rolling around five or six deep in that badger's den! Susan actually called me a jealous prude."
"And Padma?" Hermione was beginning to think she really didn't want to know.
"She's a Ravenclaw," Harry said with a shudder that was all too real.
"Honestly," Hermione huffed, "just because she likes to learn doesn't make her crazy."
"No, it's not that. I like smart girls. Think about it, all of my girlfriends have been better than me academically and now I'm trying to convince you to marry me. I'm just saying that locking a bunch of hormonal teenagers with genius level IQs in a tower for several centuries might not have been the best idea. They've discovered things in that tower man was not meant to know." Harry looked a bit sick.
"Like what?" She asked cautiously.
Harry shuddered again, "Do you know what a urethral sound is?"
"I envy your ignorance," Harry told her. "And I'm sure you know about the Gryffindor girls. You and I are the only sane people left Hermione. Please don't let the perverts get me."
"What's wrong with Gryffindor Girls?" Hermione asked with a hint of warning. She wasn't sure if she should be offended by that yet.
"Where do Gryffindors go for dates? Think Hermione..." Harry was waiting patiently for the spark of understanding to appear.
"The usual places, you know, the Astronomy tower, abandoned classrooms, broom closets... And Lavender was bragging just last night that Seamus was planning a picnic on the other side of the lake this weekend." She answered off the top of her head.
"So you never noticed that all the 'usual places' are very public, where someone could come along at any minute?" Harry gave her a pointed look. "Not to mention that half the house knows where Seamus and Lavender will be and what they'll be doing days in advance."
"Oh my god..." There it was, the look that spoke of too much information, "I've been living with a bunch of exhibitionists and voyeurs and I never knew it! You're right we're the only normal people left."
"So you'll marry me?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Shut up and hold me until the bad thoughts go away," Hermione leaned into him and they both knew they'd made the right choice.
A/N; If you don't understand why Harry is scared of Padma... Well google exists for a reason but I really recommend that you just stay ignorant.