Disclaimer: I do not own lfn
I stare out at what now is mine. I see dozens of operatives working like bees. In and out. Here and there. Each with their specific job. Do or die, that's our motto.
They are the do. I am the die.
I don't want to be here. I've always hated it, here in this place. I've hated it more since it became mine. I made the changes I thought necessary. Less deaths. More chances at lives. Freer to roam. No more cages.
I've always hated cages.
I've made the lives of my operatives better. Meanwhile, my own grew worse and worse.
I won't tell you I'm miserable. I promised myself I wouldn't. I refuse to hurt you like that. To make you think you betrayed me. You didn't. I've been betrayed by many. Never by you. Not by you leaving.
But I get these horrible thoughts in my head sometimes. I suppose it's understandable. I have a lot of time to think, these days...and nights.
I'm lonely, but I never blame you for anything. I cherish your memory. I fear it's starting to fade away. Your face, I remember. Your voice, I know. Your love is burned in to my own heart.
But the memories are fading. I'm so scared because of it. I lost you in body. I don't want to lose you in mind. I don't think I could stand living without the reminder of you. Especially in here.
Though it's hard enough to live with only the shadow of a thought that now represents you. Deep in my mind, late at night, just like at the present, my heart calls out for you. It's not very pleasant, my heart. It's grown cold without the warmth of your words and encouragement. It's grown hard without knowing the soft of your hands. It's grown lost, with the knowledge that I can no longer find myself in your eyes.
I never should have let you go, it tells you now. The part of me that believes that if I wish it hard enough, you can still hear me. That we have that fairytale bond that connects our hearts and thoughts, despite the distance. I shouldn't have let you free. I was being foolish to do so.
No, that's selfish. It's cruel to you to even think it inside the privacy of my head. Please forgive me, I tend to have my weak points. They don't happen too often, though. At least, not anymore.
You're happy. So I'm happy for you. I'm filled with joy because I know you are, where ever you are with your son. I will gladly do this for you. It won't bother me at all. I'm not that selfish to request anything different.
I'm not that weak. I don't need you that much. I can breath without you. I can wake and go to sleep, live day in and day out without you. I can be strong and brave without you, like you always were.
I can wait out the years until I can see you again, as you promised before you kissed me goodbye. In the meanwhile, I don't need you to live. I can do just fine on my own.
I'm lying to myself.