Another story I found while going through my CD's while looking for a bunch of other things that Istill haven't found so I thought I'd better throw it up here while I still knew where it was.
DISCL: Nope. Never did, Never have. Nor never will own Star Trek or Paramount. Thank God
HOW TO KNOW WHEN A BLIND DATE HAS GONE WRONG
"Wipe that shit eatin' grin off your face Jim!!" Snarled doctor Leonard McCoy from his bunk. "I blame you for this, so you could at least pretend to be somewhat regretful about the whole sordid tragedy."
"Believe me Bones, I feel terrible. There is no possible way I could feel worse about the situation." Kirk said lunging back in the hard plastic chair and barely swallowed the small grin that was trying like hell to push it's way on to his face. "But you have to admit part of it was your own fault."
"Like hell it is!" McCoy all but roared back with a quiet hiccupping note. "I wouldn't be forced to hide out in my own cabin for the rest of my natural life if you weren't fornicating machine and I knew how to say no whenever you come around asking for a favor."
Corner of his mouth dipping slightly then tugging upwards, Kirk threw an arm over the back of the chair and gave a brief examination of the toe of his boot.
When venturing to the Doctor's cabin he had expected McCoy to be in a somewhat surly frame of mind. Only a soused andorian two headed jackass would've thought other wise. The frothing, hostile, velour shredding, blood seeking performance had been more than he had anticipated.
Granted couldn't he couldn't blame McCoy for his frenetic attitude about his circumstances. He certainly couldn't if it wasn't so damn funny.
"It really isn't necessary to hid here, you do realize." He finally pointed out as he started swinging the chair back and forth while trying to meet the Doctor's stare straight on. "Spock did let the cat out of the bag during lunch when Chapel asked about the request for the arthropods as medical equipment he put in for you."
"Figures. I shoulda asked you to put in the application instead of that green blooded database." McCoy grunted with a deep throaty sigh. "All you have to do is punch enter and he spills everything."
Running a hand through his hair, Kirk gave the ceiling a brief pondering gaze then shot a badly concealed amused look out of the corner of his eye toward the Doctor.
"If Spock had or hadn't squealed Bones, someone else was bound to find out sooner or later. Besides there is no way you can make me believe you can stay locked in this cabin longer than twelve hours before you had to find Spock just to argue with the man over the proper way to clean your belly button."
There was a dark reflective pause from the bunk.
"How am I gonna explain this to Joanna? She'll be hysterical when she finds out, while Joyce will be crowing it from the top of Starfleet Headquarters."
Grin breaking through once more, Kirk had to look away briefly before speaking. It was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain any thread of seriousness whenever he made himself face the disheartened doctor.
"You're worrying over something that we don't even know is actually going to happen. It'll probably be over with by tonight and no one will ever find out about it."
"'Cept you and Spock." Muttered McCoy.
'Except Spock and myself." Acknowledged Kirk.
"And Christine. Which means everyone else onboard the ship, which also includes most of their extended family." A deplorable crack was easily heard in McCoy's voice. "First starbase we reach will be filled with tabloid reporters wanting to interview me and those who have been the closest to me before and after my misfortunate run in with that blind date from hell you set me up with!"
Sensing Bones was hitting his stride in his 'Drama Queen' act, Kirk sat up in the chair and decided to cut the Doctor off at the pass.
"Bones, there is no reason to go from a molehill to a mountain with this. For all we know it could be over and done in twenty four hours."
An ugly grunt gurgled from the bunk.
"When someone adds 'Til your dying day', I generally go on the assumption that means the rest of your natural life, Jim."
"Theatrics for crying out loud!" Growled Kirk. "The whole point was to scare the crap out of you."
"The whole point was screwing me over fro the rest of my miserable life, damn it!" McCoy threw back. "Threatening to break my legs or feeding me a whole bottle of castor oil then locking me in a broom closet is how you go about scaring me. But nothing on this cotton pickin' scale."
Agitation steadily growing, Kirk swiveled around in his chair to face the door then peevishly folded his arms in front of him. He gave the Doctor a flinty stare for two heartbeats before deciding to speak again.
"I still maintain you're over reacting."
"You would say that." Came the sniffed reply.
Eyebrow rising a number of degree's, Kirk narrowed his glare.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, nothing." Was McCoy's barely believable innocent tone. "Just if it was you instead of anyone else on the ship, we'd all have to drop what we were doing to scrounge the galaxy for a cure and break every regulation posted since Cleopatra was little girl with her first barge to boot!"
"Oh I would not!" Kirk grunted fixing his scowl on the cabin door.
"Like hell you wouldn't! You're a narcissistic, hypochondriac in lint free velour sheep's clothing. The only individual in Starfleet history who requested medical leave when you found a grey hair in your shower. And let's not forget when you told Command you thought you had developed carpal tunnel in your ass when they wanted to know why you requested a therapeutic command chair for the bridge." The smug tone was hard to miss in McCoy's words. "Repetitive sitting as well as crossing and uncrossing of one's legs. You didn't think that one person wasn't going to question it!?"
"No one would've if they hadn't sent you that damn survey on the whole medical examination and necessary measurements." Argued the Captain a thick vein starting to protrude along his forehead.
"They were medical form for God sake! Who did you expect them to send them to? Scotty? They guy in charge of the toilet paper supply? How many Admiral's wives did you have to bong to get a command?" McCoy shouted, his voice cracking again as it rose higher in his irascibility.
"You could've lied just this once Bones. And it was three."
"I already lie enough to them when I say in your in prime physical shape in physical's." Pointed out McCoy his eyes bulging in his vehement. "And everyone knows it was seven."
"Whatever." Huffed Kirk glowering across the room again. "You're still over reacting about it. Besides I don't know why you're taking it out on me."
"Why?!" Sputtered the incredulous Doctor. "If you didn't think the second your feet hit a planet surface your soul mission was to bag the first bimbo of age, that thinks aluminum and clear plastic wrap was high fashion you wouldn't have been in need for someone for a blind double date. And if you had a first officer who knew why girls are different, as well as didn't believe that fiddling with computer cables was two steps from a wild romance, I could've been saved from this whole asinine embarrassment!"
"I wasn't the one who insulted both the women." Kirk retaliated, a wicked smile curving around one corner of his mouth.
"It was a joke, damn it!" Was the snapped response. "Cripes! The evening was going down the toilet faster than Scotty's sauerkraut haggis Friday night!"
"Possibly in your strange world of humor. But referring to someones mother and using the words animal husbandry in the same sentence Bones. Especially when the woman is standing there." As he spoke Kirk already knew that the whole reason of the subject they were discussing would be forgotten before the chair he was sitting in had started to cool. "Then you walk around this ship trying to philosophize on what you see as a twisted reason for Joyce to divorce you."
"Hey, it wasn't my fault her ilk don't have any sense of humor. If you had told me in the beginning I wouldn't have opened my mouth. Hell, I probably would've stayed in my office categorizing my medical files by disaster and death statistics for the year." McCoy paused briefly letting a suspicious fog begin to emerge in the cabin. "You didn't have a clue what she was did you?!"
Feign offense smeared itself on to Kirk's face when he gazed back at the Doctor.
"Of course I was aware of it. How could you possible even think of such a think, let alone say it."
"Because you have this innate ability to go stone cold deaf once you find the first naïve young thing to agree to going back to your cabin to see your archaic miniatures. For all you know she could've been telling you she was the Klingon Chancellor while you were busy trying to find how to start unwrapping her tinfoil bikini." Disgust cut the edges of the words, matching the shiny glint in McCoy's eyes. "You're just a two legged libido drunken mass of genitalia, you know Jim. I'm amazed you're not out molesting some poor ensign on her way to her grandmother's house right this minute."
"If this is the way you're going to behave when I came here for morale support, I'm heading back to the bridge." As he spoke the Captain immediately stood and gave the Doctor a haughty, somewhat wounded look.
"Fine." Sniffed McCoy with just as much aloofness as he pinned his own uninterested stare on the wall behind the head of his bunk. "Go ahead and leave me. You aren't doing me any good hanging around here, except to remind me of the fact that I'm easily hoodwinked and you're just easy."
"Fine! I'm going." Kirk huffed as he started stomping toward the cabin door, then paused to turn toward the bunk again. "Anything you need before I go?"
"Could you put a little more water in my tank?" Came the reluctant sigh from the Doctor. "these cabin lights just seem to be sucking up the moisture in here."
Picking up the glass pitcher of water from the bed-stand, Kirk slowly poured the water at one end of the twenty gallon aquarium resting on the bunk.
"Anything else?" The expression on the Captain's face had the similar look as that of a five year old boy caught in his big sister's tea party and forced to wear his mother's best evening dress.
"Maybe turn the light's down a little and the fix the humidity." McCoy replied contemplatively as he gave the rising water a tentative splash.
Grumbling a sting of profanity under his breath in reference to tainted flies and contaminated water, Kirk all but slammed the empty pitcher back on the bed-stand, then began fiddling with the cabin control's until the Doctor made a satisfied noise.
"Anything more?" Hissed Kirk turning back to the bunk. "Do you want to be taken to dinner and eat off my plate? Sleep on my pillow at night? Get a virgin to give you a kiss and break the spell?"
"I doubt you could find one among any of your crew, male or female, that have been this ship less than twelve minutes. Unless it's Spock or Chekov. If that's the case I just as soon stay the way I am." Came the soft lament from the Doctor followed by a heavy sigh.
Unable to resist the urge roll his eyes, Kirk shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
"Somehow I think even Spock would prefer you in human form than an amphibian. He might have to speculate on It for a few days and fight the urge to dissect you, unlike many of us who would have a day or two before the regret would actually hit. But in the end he'd choose you in human form over your recent wet and slimy state."
"Only because I'd be jeopardizing his monopoly of being the only green soul on this ship." Retorted McCoy. "My life might be in danger if he takes it too hard. You might considering posting me a guard Jim."
"I'm not posting a guard for a frog Bones. Even if it's you and you do know about that secret draw under my bunk."
"Fine." The overacted pain came back to the small, green doctor as he shifted in his own private wet world, putting his glistening back toward Kirk. "I go outta my way to do you a favor and what do I get for it? A blind date that's a certified witch with no sense of humor, who can't find enough satisfaction in slapping me in the face, then pouring a plate of linguini in my lap, and instead finds some perverse pleasure in turning this one time adorable bucolic medico into your common, garden variety frog. All I ask is a guard, a little fresh water at times and someone to keep the algae off my glass so I can observe the universe as it goes by me."
"All right Bones!" Fumed Kirk throwing his hands in the air in his frustration. "I'll get you a damn guard! God, you've got a guilt act better than most mothers."
"Just because I'm short, green and occasionally crap in my swimming water, doesn't mean I'm stupid." McCoy chirped smugly hopping back around to eye the Captain complacently.
"Also makes it easier and more satisfying to flush your skinny green ass down the nearest toilet." Kirk explained with a devious smile as he loomed dangerously over the aquarium. "I'll get you a guard and someone to change the water everyday, but don't push your luck, frog boy. She might've started the ball rolling when she threw that fancy sparkly dust all over your round shoulders, but I can have frog legs added to the menu faster than you can slap that sticky tongue of yours on your ass again."
Slumping on his stone, a mistiness seem to veil the huge bulbous lime green eyes of the Doctor as he gazed at his reflection in the aquarium glass. If it there was any other breathing creature within 10,000 sector's of the 'Enterprise' none of them could've held a candle to the pitiful shroud the tiny green creature tugged around him to emphasize the wretchedness that had befallen him.
"Well, I guess now I can appreciate those parting words of Amanda's when she was saying good by to Spock." He sighed with hanging his small head ever so slightly to accent the moment.
Feeling the dull pain behind his left eye begin to spread throughout his head and begin to crawl down his spine, Kirk ran his hand over his face as he edged his way toward the door.
"Considering everything you've been though Bones." Came the quiet instantly regretted words from the Captain. "Go ahead."
Head lifting and pale chin quivering ever so slightly, McCoy gazed up at the dim lights of his cabin blinked away his momentary pain then quietly croaked.
"It isn't easy being green."