Author: Liloo chan; Beta: Befanini , alias Sensei (wink), that I thank very much for her so precious help!
Title: Everything will be just fine
Genre: Sanzo POV, Angst
A/N: My first fic in english! Wow!
Everything will be just fine
He is staring at me again. I can feel his intense gaze on my back. I move slightly on my chair to face him and as I expect, he quickly lowers his eyes as soon as mine look directly into them. How long has he been looking at me like that? Has it been a few days? Weeks? Several months? I've no idea... and I don't want to know in fact.
If only I hadn't heard what he said about me yesterday... Maybe I would have never known... Or, if I could have realized he was up to something without knowing what that something was, I could have just shot him, telling myself that he was just another pitiful and disgusting pervert lusting after me. If only he hadn't said such things... I could have dealt with it.
I sigh and close my eyes in resignation.
But I heard. I didn't miss a single word he said and it bothers me. No, that's not the truth. The truth is that it pisses me off to no end because I know he takes the thing seriously. Shit. What am I going to do with him? I look at him once more and I'm not surprised to meet burning red eyes watching me longingly. He shakes his head rapidly, his eyes not in my direction anymore but instead looking intently at the floor. I notice that he runs his hand over his long fine hair in embarrassment. He's aware that I caught him staring too much lately and he certainly begins to wonder if I know something.
I suddenly feel stupid. He's so obvious that I really don't know why I haven't realized it before.
Well, it's not like I have time to bother myself with such fool things! We are on a mission, for goddamn's sake! Every day on a fucking road, leading to a fucking castle, with fucking demons and youkais after our ass! And with the three morons constantly around me, I hardly have time for sulking in peace and quiet! So how I am supposed to find the time to care about anyone else's feelings?
I need to be alone. I stand up abruptly, abandoning my seat and leading my steps toward the door. I don't have time to reach the doorknob before his mocking voice echoes in the small room.
-"On your way to sleep already? It's not that late, Grandpa!"
-"Fuck you! It's not like I have to tell you my every move!" I reply a bit too harshly. "Besides, I've seen all of you enough today!"
-"But you haven't finished your food!" Goku points out, his mouth full of rice.
-"I'm not hungry."
-"So, does that mean I can have the rest?"
-"Suit yourself, monkey!"
I'm going past the door when he finally asks me:
-"Are you sure you don't wanna stay a little longer with us? We could play Mah-jong..."
The odd softness in his tone stops me in my tracks and I turn to him, my eyes boring hard into his. He must read something in my gaze that scares him because he adds, nearly in a hurry: "But maybe you're afraid to lose..."
I don't recall having lost once against any of you, I think not pleased at all. Look at him. His pathetic attemps to keep me near him make me sick.
"T'ch." Without saying anything else, I leave the room and shut the door behind me. As I start to go down the stairs of the inn, I hear Hakkaï asking the others if something is wrong with me but apparently he doesn't get any answer. Once I'm outside, I seat down on the old wooden bench next to the entrance of the building. I take out a cigarette and light it. I throw my head back a little and I can now contemplate the stars. I relax a bit at the soothing sight and for a moment I forget all my worries. Soon, I become aware that I'm turning my smoke over and over again in my hand. I stop my fidgeting and wait for a few seconds before looking down at it while remembering the events of the previous night.
It was late in the evening and as I couldn't sleep I went to search for a bar. I found one not far away from the inn we had settled for the night and walked inside. It seemed that I wasn't the only one unable to rest in my room because I saw that Gojyo was also here, playing cards with some random guys. He noticed me and watched me strangely before returning to his game. I ignored him, heading to the bar, where I ordered a beer. After a few minutes, I felt an arm wrap itself all around my shoulders. I brushed it off quickly and glared at its owner.
-"Wow, our little monk is once again in such a foul mood!" Gojyo said with a sarcastic smile.
-"What do you want?" I asked in a cold voice, not wanting to waste my time with him, or anyone.
-"I was just wondering if you would be enough nice to lend me your lighter. Mine doesn't work anymore."
-"The idiots with you don't have any?"
-"No, they don't," was Gojyo's simple reply.
I didn't feel like being disturbed any longer. I breathed out deeply, lit my last cigarette and gave him the lighter.
-"I forgot my other packet in the inn anyway. So, you can have it now, but give it back to me if you leave before me. I will need it later."
-"You're so sweet..." Gojyo whispered, an annoying grin plastered on his face.
-"Shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone!" I finally growled, irritated. He then went away and I returned promptly to my drink.
Five beers later, I felt tired enough to go to sleep and decided to go back to the inn. I was halfway, thinking of how good a last cigarette would feel when I suddenly remembered that I loaned the lighter to Gojyo. I turned around and headed toward the bar once more to claim my property. I openned the door of the bar roughly but didn't go any farther when I caught a bit of the discussion at Gojyo's table.
-"If I were you, I wouldn't be joking like that..." Gojyo said. "He's a Sanzo monk, you know?"
All the men with Gojyo stared blankly at him for a moment and all of a sudden one of them cried out;
-"What! This pretty face is a monk?!" I flinched at the mention of the word "pretty" but didn't say anything to reveal my presence.
-"No way! It can't be... looks more than a girl if you ask me!" Another one exclaimed with a frank laugh. My hand was looking for my gun in my lower back...
-"Monks shouldn't be allowed to wear so tight and sexy black leather top!" My fingers twitched and I felt anger rising in me...
-"Girl or monk, it really doesn't matter when you have such a beauty just before your eyes." I took my gun in hand. I was more than ready to fire...
-"Watch your mouths! You perverts!" Gojyo cut in suddenly with an unusually serious voice. Gojyo was coming to my defence. That surprised me, so I choose not to interfere.
-"You're the pervert! You're the one who took him by the shoulders earlier! And all the time he was here, you kept staring at him! Do you really think we didn't notice the way you looked at him?"
I blinked at this statement.
-"What are you insinuating?" Gojyo stammered. Stammered?! That got my whole attention for sure!
-"Yeah, that's right! You just don't want to share the little thing, do you? But, at least you could tell us something we crave to know." I didn't know why, but I was certain the next sentence wouldn't please me at all. The man took out his tongue to wet his upper lip with and asked with a suave voice, "How does he taste like?"
That was it! I aimed my gun at this sick man but before I had the chance to pull the trigger, Gojyo had pinned the man on the table and his fist landed powerfully a few inches of his head.
-"I won't tolerate anyone who speaks of him like he was some whore, so if you want to die painfully just say it, you son of a bitch!"
-"You're his Mum or what? It's just a little joke, man."
-"Yeah, no offense. We don't want any trouble." The men were now trying to calm down Gojyo, fear was writen all over their faces.
-"Just because he's good looking doesn't mean he deserves such comments behind his back. You guys are so low that you aren't even worthy of breathing the same air as him!" Gojyo shouted, letting the guy he held slide to the floor. The scene which had been displayed in front of me was so unreal... I was really confused, and as I didn't know what to do, I just stayed where I was, like I was turned to stone. I watched as Gojyo left all the stunned men at the table with a last hateful glare before sitting on a tool next to the bar.
-"A whiskey." He ordered simply to the barmaid who complied. After a long minute, one of the men with a look of sympathy dared to warn Gojyo.
-"The way you speak of this blond... be careful man... seems like you're close to falling for him." Upon these words, Gojyo laughed. But anyone could have seen it wasn't a laugh of joy. No. It was a sad laugh. A laugh of defeat. Then, he raised his eyes to the speaker and if I had imagined one second what was going to follow, I would have left earlier not to hear it.
-"What if it's already the case?" My breath stopped. I thought I was hearing things. It was the only reasonable explanation... At least, it's what I was hoping for... but I was rapidly forced to reconsider my thought.
-"Didn't you say he's a monk?... It's none of my business but... you should give up..." the barmaid said, a discreet smile of compassion stretching slightly her lips.
-"Right... he he he... but it's not like he behaves like one. I'm not an idiot... I know it's useless... I don't even know if he considers me as his friend... but it seems that the more I want to forget him, the more I think of him... I... I just can't change the way I feel..."
I was so shocked at first that I couldn't move or even think for what seemed an eternity. What the fuck was that?! I finally remembered where I was and thought of the fact that Gojyo could step out at any time and I seriously didn't want to face him and his feelings right now... or soon... or in the near future... or maybe never would. So I pulled myself together and returned quickly to the inn. My lighter could wait. I stopped at the little kitchen to get matches and hurried my way to my room.
However, as hard as I tried not to, with my mind full of unwanted thoughts, I stayed awake the whole night.
-"Ah, you're here?" Gojyo's voice reach my ears so suddenly that I nearly jump on the bench. Nearly. Back to the present, I can't help but snap sarcastically:
-"No I'm not! That's why you are talking to a bench, you idiot!
Gojyo doesn't say a word for a moment, a little taken aback by my extremly sharp tone and I wonder for an instant who is really the idiot here. I've been a total prick to him all day and if I don't stop that anytime soon, he'll start to be suspicious and it's definitely not something I want. He doesn't have to know I know. Without looking me directly into the eyes, he says, a bit of nervousness in his voice:
-"Are you mad at me or something?"
I breathe deeply, hoping in vain that would help me to cool down the sudden rage running through my veins.
-"Yeah! I mad I can't shoot you!" I yell, forgetting my previous thoughts.
Gojyo is now confused. I can see it clearly on his face. Why am I so mad anyway? If we were able to control our feelings, I would have chosen to forget about my master a long time ago. That would have spared me a lot of suffering.
But still, why me? Why does it have to be me? What does he like in me? I know it's not just because he finds my look to his taste... He could have chosen someone more willing if it was the case... So what is it? My smile? My happy face? The nice words I constantly throw to people? The care I show to others maybe? But wait, what am I saying? There is nothing of all that in me! There is nothing that can make someone want to be near me more than a few minutes. Maybe the stupid monkey, but you can recognize he's not a normal person anyway... So why? WHY? I want to scream and I don't really know the reason. I must have fixed my eyes on him a little too long because his cheeks are reddening with each second. He seems so uneasy now... like a little boy who wants to apologize because he has made a mistake...
I feel like I want to puke. Enough of all this bullshit! I don't want to think of all that anymore! So that's exactly what I'm going to do. As long as Gojyo will shut his fucking mouth everything will be just fine! And I know he'll keep silent because I'm sure he understands clearly that telling me how he feels would give me a reason to shoot him. All I have to do is to act as I've never heard anything, as if I don't know he is in love with me. I realize then that I can't bear to be next to him right now.
-"I'm tired. I'm going to sleep now." It's all I say before standing up and entering the inn without glancing at him.
-"Good night," he mutters so softly, I barely hear it through the door. I walk in a determined manner to my room.
Everything will be just fine...