Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters. Thanks for thinking that I did though. Makes me feel special sometimes.

Warnings: One shot, humour, crack, hilarity of the sixth, third and eleventh division varieties, language, yaoi, mansecks.

Pairing(s): RenjiByakuya, mentions of GinKira, hints of IkkakuYumichika

Notes: This all came about during a boring-as-Hell day at work this past week and thankfully, my laptop was working well enough to allow me to write. It's been fritzing lately and for no reason at all, it runs spell check in the middle of already checked documents. I think it's haunted. Renji agrees with me. Kira just nods from under a thick blanket, far too frightened of it to speak his mind.

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"Ya sure? He's that way too?"

"Yup. I was in the third squad's office this mornin' droppin' off request papers for Taichou and right in front of me, Ichimaru-taichou called him cute. It was kinda gross if ya ask me."

"Not gross really. Just kinda...surprisin'. I never thought he'd be like us."

Ikkaku wrinkled his nose and snorted at the red haired fukutaichou, disgusted to even be part of the conversation.

"Don't add me into your sick fuckin' total. I ain't givin' up tits for nobody."

"Didn't ask ya to."

A swift smack to the back of the head silenced Renji, his sake bottle clutched tightly in his hand so he wouldn't spill it. The conversation had taken a turn after he had brought up the relationship between himself and his captain, the regal Kuchiki having kept it a secret for most of the past year. While accepted by the majority of the Gotei 13, it was frowned upon by the more masculine of the shinigami men, including Madarame and his captain.

Because he and Renji had been comrades for so long, it was tolerated and even joked about during their drinking sessions, however embarrassing it was for Renji. Today's news however, was something new.

"So Ichimaru-taichou and Kira are together for sure, eh? You're not just sayin' it to piss me off, are ya?"

"Fuck no. I wouldn't make that shit up. It's gotta be the reason. I mean Kira's always happy around him and he's blushin' every time the man even glances at him. Not to mention the news Kuraba gave me 'n Yumi yesterday."

Renji's eyes widened and he leaned over the table, trying to get closer so they could keep their voices down but still talk excitedly. He was already thrilled with the idea that his long time friend was into guys like he was, but it also worried him because Gin had always frightened him. He wasn't exactly boyfriend material.

"Ichimaru-taichou's sixth seat? What'd he have to say? Don't fuckin' hold out on me!"

"He said they stay late together-"

"Nothin' Byakuya and I haven't done before if we're busy with paperwork-"

"-and fuck."

"Nothin' Byakuya and I have-...holy shit. Holy shit."

"Yeah. S'fuckin' gross if ya ask me."

The red haired fukutaichou sat back and blinked, feeling somewhat hypocritical as he fumed on the inside, angry at Ichimaru for taking advantage of Kira but also aware that he and his captain engaged in the same activities. He didn't know whether to slam his fist down on the table, sling back another shot of the chilled wine or hunt the third division captain down and murder him.

"I'm gonna talk to Kira about it tomorrow. I don't want him gettin' hurt."

The bald shinigami waved a hand and motioned to the bartender to send over another bottle, sensing the need for one.

"Just leave me outta it, all right? I don't want him pissed off at me or nothin'. I'm just relayin' the news, fair and square. Don't shoot the fuckin' messenger and all that shit."

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"Mmm...Ichimaru-taichou..." Kira groaned, jostling the elder man's shoulder as he stood beside his bed, trying to shake him awake and afraid of scaring him if he spoke too loud, his touch gentle but insistent. "You're going to be late for lunch if you don't wake up right now."

The bundle occupying the office's divan shifted, the light blanket rolling off to reveal a spiky silver head, a fine boned hand lifting to smooth the soft hair down. The slim captain stretched and gave a light yawn before turning smiling eyes on the blond, a tiny grin curling his lips at the corners as well.

"Maa, Izuru. Is it that late already? I didn't even think it'd be lunchtime yet. What're we havin'?"

The boy sighed softly and extended a hand to help the other to his feet, brushing his pant legs off where they been dusting the floor while he slept.

"Fresh ramen with carrots and spring onions. It should be here any moment. The kitchen bell has already rung."

"What would I ever do without ya, Izuru?"

The food came in a timely manner, less then five minutes after Kira mentioned it to his taichou, two bowls of the steaming soup complimented with baked rolls and a light salad. The fox-like shinigami loved his fresh greens and he ate his salad first, scarfing it noisily, finding extreme pleasure in crunching down hard on each individual piece of sliced carrot. The young fukutaichou, though hungry, ate his much more slowly, savouring the soup and then moving on to the greens and then quietly munching an unbuttered roll while he watched the other man finish up.

"That much food always makes me so sleepy!" Ichimaru pointed out. "Ne, Izuru? You too?"

"No, Ichimaru-taichou. I slept well last night so I'm not tired anyway. Food doesn't cause it either."

He was aware that Ichimaru's remark was the elder man's subtle way of saying he wanted another nap, but there were drills to run and paperwork to finish so the fatigue would have to wait.

"You have a lot of work to do before going home tonight, Taichou. Can your nap wait until then?"

A heavy sigh came from the slim figure and he nodded, beaten by his subordinate but allowing it to happen, not minding in the least when Kira made a stand for duty. He sat back from the desk where he had eaten, looking from the mountain of papers to the blond and giving him a prettier smile, lifting an arm and curling the boy into it as he nuzzled Kira's warm belly.

"Can ya help me, Izuru? It'll go faster and then we can go home early..."

Relenting immediately, the younger shinigami peeled himself from Gin's hold and took half of the pile, stopping as he turned away, long enough to wait patiently as Ichimaru halved his own pile again and handed half of it to the boy, grinning widely and shuffling his considerably smaller pile. Kira rolled his eyes just a tad when he turned back around, not allowing his captain to see him do it but still feeling just as happy to do the work as he was before his load was added to.

"Neat and tidy, ne? It's gotta be done right or not at all!"

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"Kira! Ya here?" Renji called from the gate that lead into the third division's property. "Oi, Kira!"

A little irritated by Renji's hollering, the blond hurried out of the squad house and leveled a dirty glare on him, halfhearted at best as he started to smile when the redhead gave a sour look in return.

"Do you have to yell so loud, Abarai-kun? Ichimaru-taichou was napping."

"Again? He's always sleepin'! How does he get any work done around here?"

Kira smiled brightly, suggesting that he did it all and today, he had finished it all, after the silver haired captain had put his head down for a quick nap and never woke again. The paperwork had been signed, stamped and stacked neatly beside him, ready to be handed in the next morning.

"You're taken advantage of, Kira. He's not supposed to make ya do that much."

"It's only for a few hours a day. He's fine the rest of the time. He can't help it if he doesn't sleep well enough at night."

They walked as they talked, heading towards the firebrand fukutaichou's home, their normal Wednesday night activity. Card games and sake until eight.

"What's keepin' him up? Somethin' important? Somethin' secret?"

The blush on Izuru's face was priceless and Renji chuckled somewhat nervously, slapping an arm over the boy's shoulders and hugging him against his shoulder, a friendly, common gesture they had both become accustomed to.

"I want ya to tell me sometime. Maybe we can make things better if we give it a shot, ne?"

Renji held the door for him as they headed inside the warm, dark apartment, seating himself on the long couch that occupied one entire wall, stretching out and relaxing for the first time that day, enjoying his time with the elder man but also worrying about his captain and if the man would eat dinner or just sleep for the remainder of the night. He resolved to check on him before going to his own home later on.

"Kira?"

"Hmm?"

"Y'ok? Ya looked a million miles away just now."

He held his hands out and took the hot cup of tea that was handed to him, inhaling the woodsy scent and them sipping it carefully and setting it on the low coffee table.

"Gomen, Abarai-kun. I was just thinking about something."

"Somethin' or someone?" Came the reply from the kitchen. Shuffling noises and the light scratching of steel on wood led Kira to believe that Renji was preparing something and he got up to investigate, watching with a smile as the normally undomesticated shinigami cut vegetables, knowing that the blond loved to munch while they played cards.

"Both, actually." And he startled Renji, chuckling as a carrot stick flew across the counter and landed on the floor, carefully bending over to pick it up and blow on it. "Good as new."

"Thinkin' about your captain?" The doe-eyed look Kira offered gave him away, earning a shake of Renji's head. "When do ya relax, Kira? Life's gotta be about work and play, ya know?"

"I don't just think about work. This wasn't about work." He mumbled the last part, unaware that he had even said it until the redhead gave him a punch in the arm.

"Tell me the truth, Kira. Are ya in love with him? Is somethin' goin' on between ya?"

The boy nodded so softly that if Renji had believed hard enough, it could have been absolutely nonexistent, but the blush that followed it was proof enough. He sighed and set the knife he was cutting with and the poor half cut green pepper aside and scooped the boy into his arms, hugging him tightly but in a way they could still be comfortable with, not wanting to seem too eager to touch him.

"I'll take that as an honest yes and I'll also take the time to tell ya to be careful, all right? Ya know that me 'n Byakuya're together so ya can come to me if ya ever need anythin'. Advice or just someone to talk to. You're never a bother, Kira."

Slim arms rose to wind around the larger man's back and Kira nodded against his shoulder.

"Thanks."

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Finding Byakuya in the room Hisana's shrine was housed in caused the young fukutaichou to balk a bit at the door, having been walking past to search the main sitting room after he had found the garden empty. He watched quietly as the nobleman bowed respectfully and placed a single orchid bloom onto a ceramic dish in front of the woman's framed picture, following it with a second bow and then getting to his feet. His indoor clothes were neatly pressed, as were all of his garments, and he looked as regal as ever, even with a thick yukata slung over his shoulders to keep the night chill away.

He turned to face his lover and Renji though he caught the barest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of the elder man's lips, bowing politely as he approached and then tugging him into a warm hug.

"How's she doin'?" He asked as he nuzzled the captain's cheek.

Byakuya returned the small gesture with a quiet grunt as one of the younger shinigami's hands found his backside and firmly squeezed one buttock shamelessly.

"As well as can be, Renji. Would...you mind not doing that in the hall?"

Zabimaru's master smirked and stopped, letting the slightly shorter man go and stepping back so they could walk to the Kuchiki heir's private chambers. On Thursdays after work, they spent time in each other's company and did little else, choosing an indoor environment as opposed to the lush garden, mainly for privacy and to keep their somewhat secret relationship under wraps.

"You're no fun, Byakuya. Maybe we could continue this in the bedroom, ne? I'm kinda in the mood for somethin' dirty."

"And by dirty you mean-" He made a crude gesture that always caused the redhead to burst out laughing, knowing it to mean a certain sexual favour that, according to Renji, only Byakuya could do well enough to make him pass out afterwards.

"Mmhmm. That."

Byakuya sighed and nodded, still smiling in his half sneer sort of way, leading the way to the back half of the noble estate and sealing the door behind them. The room was dark within and after lighting the sconces that flanked the bed, both men crawled up onto the heavily padded mattress, Renji sitting up with his back against the headboard and Byakuya kneeling between his parted legs, nimble hands working on the younger man's obi. He took his time undoing it and working the heavy hakama from the vice captain's legs, allowing the material to shift off of the bed and land on the floor with a muted thump.

The top half of his uniform now free of its anchor, Renji opened the kimono and slipped it down his shoulders, using it as a cushion behind himself as he parted his thighs a little further and gave his hips a noticeable thrust. The elegant Kuchiki knew the game well. He bent forward at the waist and gently cupped Renji's balls within their thin covering, the fundoshi part of the act so Byakuya left it on, squeezing the little globes as he mouthed over the length of Renji's cock. It twitched under the cotton cloth and feeling bold, the elder man nibbled at it, gaining as much thrill from the act as Renji, though for a completely different reason.

Had anyone heard of the act for himself, they wouldn't have believed it, especially since it was Byakuya performing it. The mere act of lowering himself to kneel before a younger, lesser man and then to pleasure him sexually, without the benefit of touching himself throughout. The loss of control and dominance excited the elder shinigami and though he'd never openly admit it, it was one of many fetishes he had grown to explore and favour once engaging in a relationship with the loudmouthed fukutaichou.

"Ahh fuck, Byakuya. Not so hard..."

The nobleman grinned and purposely bit down harder on the very tip of the firm arousal, tugging the cloth down just enough so that he could take the head into his mouth immediately afterwards, slurping around the head with a skilled tongue. Warm hands fisted in his hair, the kenseikan absent because he only wore them in public and took them out after retiring for the night, the calloused fingertips massaging his scalp and occasionally pulling hard enough to hurt.

He moaned as he worked, adding to the already delicious friction Renji so coveted, looking up along the vice captain's body and priding himself on the tight muscle twitches that were going on just under the skin of Renji's abdomen, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe more deeply and only managed gasping pants and deep, feral growls that aroused the elder man even further.

Byakuya knew his young lover was a wild animal at heart and his method of lovemaking wasn't any different from his elegant dance while fighting, all hard edged grunts and groans accompanied by his lithe form writhing in so many interesting patterns. Despite being a properly raised nobleman, Byakuya caught himself mimicking the other's actions and sounds when in bed with him and though it signified a downside of the relationship in regards to dignity, he was hardly worried about it, especially when it usually caused Renji to become a little less coherent and more likely to simply jump the captain and take what he wanted.

Half way through his deep ramblings, the sakura wielder pulled the fundoshi off the rest of the way and took the entirety of Renji's cock into his mouth, just in time to catch the flood of delicious warmth that erupted from it, the hands in his hair tightening dangerously before falling away completely. Byakuya sat back and licked his lips, unseen by Renji who lay with his eyes closed, slumped off to one side as if the mere effort of sitting up was too much after such a hard release.

He was grinning and chuckling stupidly under his breath, peeking one garnet eye open at his lover and taking a deep breath, his long legs stretching right down to his toes as he savoured the warm aftermath.

"No one does that better. Not even the girls that used to charge for it back in Rukongai..."

Byakuya frowned at his lover's mention of the prostitutes that haunted the outlying area and stood up, straightening his clothes as he walked away from the bed, settling himself into the heavily pillowed divan that occupied an entire wall, tucking his legs up underneath himself. Feeling somewhat sheepish and embarrassed at having no doubt upset his lover, the nude shinigami padded over and knelt in front of him, forgoing the lameness that came with bowing so eagerly to the captain and resting his head in Byakuya's lap, curling his arms under his forehead.

"I'm sorry, Byakuya. I didn't mean to make ya feel bad. S'not like Rukia ever did it or anythin'. S'just a fact of life out there, I guess."

"I don't feel bad, Renji." He answered. "I know I shouldn't care what goes on in the poor sections of Soul Society because I was raised to be ignorant of it, but it almost pains me to think about the two of you growing up in that place. Not to mention Hisana trying to survive..."

The redhead knew right away that his lover was brooding over the woman's death and pathetic life before meeting him and it hurt him to think that the elegant, beautiful captain had such bad thoughts at all. He got back to his feet and with both hands, turned the other's head and cupped his cheeks, holding him still as he kissed him deeply, not demandingly or wantonly, just a simple gesture of love that he hoped would cheer the elder man a little bit.

He was rewarded by a smile but it hardly soothed his nerves. Picking his kimono from the pile of discarded clothes and shrugging it on, he joined Byakuya on the divan, sitting back against the single upright end and cuddled him into his lap, maneuvering his legs so that the captain could fall asleep more comfortably. Within minutes, he was snoring softly and Renji carded a hand through his hair, worried that maybe he was the only shinigami in all of Seireitei that wasn't going through some sort of personal crisis.

"It's like a goddamn plague..."

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"The fuck? What're ya doin' in here, Yumi? No...AHH! Get the fuck outta here!"

Snickering at Ikkaku's childish squeal, Yumichika slid out from behind him and dropped the shaving blade he had been wielding, leaving it where the bald shinigami could reach it if needed and sat on the edge of the long counter to watch his friend finish showering.

"Ya coulda left me alone, ya bastard. Now I'm fuckin' lopsided!" Madarame hollered, pointing to the oddly shaped line of hair that ran from his belly button to just above his limp shaft. "What kinda man sneaks up and shaves his friend's goddamn body, huh?"

"A good one?" Yumi chittered. "I would have finished for you and evened it out, but you were so adamant about getting away from me."

"S'because you're fuckin' creepin' me out! Ya don't touch a man there 'less ya wanna get laid! And I don't want that from ya!"

The dainty shinigami shrugged and slid off of the counter, stepping through the soggy puddles of soiled water, soap and various other liquids, turning to wave before scooting out into the corridor, already shower, dressed and primped for a night of relaxation.

"Suit yourself! I'm going to see if Fukutaichou needs anything before bed! Catch you later!"

Ikkaku muttered to himself as he finished the job, having been caught half way by the other's overly eager mannerism, not the least bit interested in him and pissed off that he had even tried to touch him...down there. The proud eleventh division member rinsed and started to dry off, trying to get ready on time for once, as Renji had invited himself and a few others over for drinks. According to the redhead, Kira was supposed to meet him at his place but he was held back by his captain for something 'of an important nature'.

The bald swordsman was suspicious but as a rule, he was always suspicious, especially when it came to the sneaky, secretive third squad captain. True, he might have listened to Renji's rants about him one too many times and found himself believing the stories the redhead told, but in all honesty, Ichimaru Gin was creepy.

"Fuckin' snake bastard. Probably keepin' him for some kinda sick sex ga-" He blinked, staring at the immense torso that flanked the hallway door, following well known scars and other battle wounds as he looked up into his captain's oddly grinning face. "Yo, Taichou.."

"Yo." The humongous shinigami glowered down at the smaller man with a grizzly stare, his one eye gleaming as if he were amused by what he had heard. "Ya wanna tell me whatcha were doin' talkin' about sex by yourself? Ya whackin' yourself in the shower with that fruity fuckin' friend of yours?"

Madarame blinked again, too tired of a day of drills and eager to get out of the elder man's way to really understand what he had said.

"Whackin'...with Yumichika? Are ya fuckin' kiddin', Taichou? I ain't that way!"

"Doesn't matter to me even if ya are. Just remember to clean up after yourself, ya hear me? No leavin' nothin' behind."

Mortified beyond belief, Ikkaku nodded and nudged past the larger form, shuffling into a clean set of clothes in the outer room, tucking his dirty clothes under his arm and tossing them into the hamper just outside of the showers. He couldn't believe his ears. Did Taichou just tell him that he was allowed to jack off in the shower as long as he cleaned up after himself? He choked slightly and then blushed embarrassedly, thinking that while he had done it before when no one else was around, he just realized that his captain hadn't been shocked by the idea of him being sexual with his best friend.

The idea alone turned him off, but why did it seem like everyone was surprised when he told them he wasn't gay?

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"You're late, Ikkaku."

The bald fighter snorted and handed Renji a half dozen bottles of the strong sake his division loved so much, stalking over to the redhead's couch and flopping himself down next to Hinamori, the girls' brilliant but shy smile lighting him up for a moment before he groaned and rested his head back.

"Taichou cornered me in the shower." He frowned at the sour looks he received from both shinigami. "Not like that! You're both fuckin' sick."

Momo giggled and lifted her legs to tuck underneath herself, taking up a lot less space than Ikkaku was and enjoying the company of both males, even though she preferred Renji and Kira instead. The blond was a lot less crude and more refined than the loud mouthed eleventh squadder and though a conversation headed towards sex was common in Renji's place, it usually contained details about his own relationship with the sixth division taichou and Hinamori hardly batted an eye at the idea of two men together.

To her, it was 'cute' and it took attention away from her own captain, whom she would fight to the death over.

"So why's Kira not here tonight?" Ikkaku asked before reaching out to the coffee table and snatching up a bottle of sake and one of the small cups Renji had set out, pouring himself a full one and downing it in one gulp.

Hinamori did the same but only poured a cup for herself and set the bottle back down, watching with a smile as Renji served himself from it as well, knowing that with the information he knew, he wasn't up for a forgetful night.

"He's still at work. Ichimaru-taichou's got him doin' almost all the paperwork, plus the drills and patrols in the mornin'. He's fuckin' tired most of the time. There's a lot more work for him to do than in the other squads. I noticed that he's kept workin' an awful lot, especially lately."

"Did you two ever consider that maybe Kira-kun enjoys doing everything for his captain, like I do? I don't mind helping Aizen-taichou out a little more than I have to. It makes me feel good when he smiles at me at the end of the day."

The bald shinigami shook his head at the girl and leaned forward to pour himself another shot of the potent liquor, grimacing afterwards and setting the cup on his knee for a second.

"Nah, it doesn't work that way with the third squad. Ichimaru-taichou's always grinnin' like a fuckin' idiot. I betcha they never know when they're gettin' praised or not 'cause he's so hard to read."

"Hmm, sou. You're probably right." The young vice captain agreed. "I just don't worry about him like you guys do. He's strong, even if he doesn't act like it all the time. You know that as well as I do, Abarai-kun."

"Hn. Strong willed and strong in the body, but his heart's just as weak as mine 'n Ikkaku's."

"His heart?"

Renji sat back and scratched at his belly through his white and pink indoor yukata, stretching out with his back against a pile of pillows Madarame never remembered seeing before. He bet that they were from the redhead's fruity captain.

"Yup. When it comes to love, Kira's just as easy prey as the rest of us."

"Ohhh..."

"ACK. I'm not fuckin' in love, so don't make me one of you freaks!"

The pony tailed fukutaichou snickered and waggled his eyebrows a bit. "Not even with Yumichika? He's kinda pretty, ne, Momo?"

"He's very dainty but I don't think he's pretty really." Her blush was obvious and Renji leaned over to ruffle her bangs, forcing her to swat at him and squeak lightly. "Not like Ise-san or Matsumoto-san."

"Yeah, that's what I want, goddammit!" The third seat cried out, pumping his fist in the air and making small grabby motions with his hands. "A nice, pretty girl with a good pair of ti-"

Irritated with the male shinigami obsession with large breasted women, Hinamori smacked Ikkaku in the forehead before he could finish, cracking her knuckles and sitting back with a smug look on her face and a newly poured cup of sake in her hand.

In front of her, Renji laughed deep belly laughs and spilled a half cup of the clear liquid.

Behind her, Ikkaku twitched and thought that maybe dating Yumichika wouldn't be so bad after all. Especially since the fifth seat never hit him so viciously out of simple, insane jealousy. He was already tired, his heart hurt a lot from the blows he received during training and if Kira could be all those things and be in love, he thought he might be able to give it a shot.

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