Always a Dreamer
He had always been a dreamer… Master Yoda had said it was his greatest weakness. Well, after lack of patience and of course, control. That memory alone could still make him smile. He had been so sure of himself and his ability to touch the Force, to use it for good. And here was this little green slip of a creature bringing him crashing back down to reality, exposing all his faults, making him see himself as he really was and not what he hoped to be.
As a young child he had dreamt of his father, walking through the door to his room.
"It has all been a mistake, my son. I have been trying to get back to you all this time," his father would say as he scooped Luke up into his arms, placed him on his shoulders and laughed. He would be tall, taller than any of the other boys' fathers with a deep booming voice and gentle eyes that smiled at him.
Just wait until the children in Anchorhead saw them together. That would put an end to their biting remarks! He was not a pitiful orphan as they had so cruelly taunted. He had a father who loved him deeply and unconditionally.
A father who was not dead as he had been told by his aunt and uncle, it had been a misunderstanding and now he was back…back for him. They would leave Tatooine together, their small, but loving family. There was so much lost time to make up for, so much he had to share with him.
As a teenager he dreamt of the stars, soaring high above his desert home and finding adventure, far from the mind numbing existence of the life he led. So much to see and experience! So many worlds out there that were vastly different from anything he could imagine. To have the freedom to go anywhere, at anytime… what better life could there possibly be?
If only Uncle Owen would allow him to join the Academy. That was his one opportunity to become a pilot and escape the dreary life he hated so much. He was not a farmer, he was meant for bigger things. He would lie there at night watching the stars and dreaming that one day, soon, he would be there among them.
As a young man he dreamt of peace, so tired of the war that had taken so much from him … Ben, Biggs, Aunt Beru, Uncle Owen and so many others. There were days when he almost forgot what he fought for, feeling only weariness. The kind that wrapped itself around you, becoming heavy and suffocating until he could not think, could not move, could not breathe.
His life before had not prepared him for the heavy burden of responsibility, of other lives depending on him. Each soul lost under his command was like a physical blow, draining him and making it harder to hope. But one day, he dreamed it would end…one day there would be peace again.
As a man he dreamt of finding love, someone to share his life with. That he kept deep inside, fearing that even acknowledging the desire would make it unattainable. Could he find a woman who would love him, love his life and all that came with it? It would not always be peaceful; he seemed to be in the public eye so much. Not to mention having to race off at a moments notice to some world the New Republic needed his help with. And of course there was his responsibility to his students, his fellow Jedi and most of all to the Force itself.
Was he asking too much? Perhaps, but inside his very core was an empty place that needed to be filled with unconditional love and yes, passion. A Jedi does not crave passion…but he did. He needed that kind of relationship, on that issue he always disagreed with the old Jedi philosophy. That was the place where he was the most vulnerable, where he felt the most inexperienced. Just a simple man from a backward planet, not knowing the games and intricacies of romance.
He thought he had found love once, hadn't they both been blissfully happy? No, not both of them, for she left to find what she really wanted and it wasn't him. Memories of that time still haunted him until he had little hope left of finding what his heart truly desired. But still, there might be someone who could love him.
As a middle aged man he dreamt of a child, a child to call their very own. To be a father! Just the thought could bring a grin to his face. A son maybe, with laughing blue eyes and a daughter with hair the color of a Tatooine sunset. Tangible evidence of the love he and his wife had for each other. Leia said that having a child was like having your heart walk around outside of your chest. How he longed for that kind of love, the kind that he had never received when he was young.
Now as a man in his twilight years he looks to the future, feeling whole and complete. Wisdom has come to him in his old age, tempered with compassion and understanding. His heart is full of the love that comes from being comfortable in one's own skin and knowing that whatever he may face, he will not be alone.
There is patience in his bearing, there is control in his ways….but he will always be a dreamer.