A/N So I'm not really sure how funny this will be, it's a kind of parody on all Harry/Draco fics, but I didn't exactly write it to be hysterically funny. I just kinda found myself thinking about all the H/D fics I have read and decided to combine them into one where everything happens that would typically happen in those fics. So I guess maybe it's a little funny, but if it doesn't make you laugh so hard that tears run down your face, don't yell at me…
"Oh wow." Draco breathed. "Look at that." He elbowed his best friend, Blaise Zabini, who wasn't sure if he was a boy or a girl or what race he was because all the authors on fanfiction who selected him to be Draco's best friend couldn't make up their minds. And it's not mentioned in the books because Blaise is only mentioned, like, once. Maybe twice. Anyway.
Harry Potter strolled gracefully into the Great Hall flanked by his always loyal friends, Weasel and Granger. Draco didn't know why he called Weasley a weasel, because he didn't look like one and didn't act like one. It was simply a convenient insult because that's what his name sounded like.
The point was, Harry was soooo hot. He had grown several inches over summer break and was acquired a smooth tan. Never mind the fact that he had been malnourished as a child and it was highly unlikely that he could ever grow that tall. He was also no longer wearing glasses and now Draco could see how green his eyes were. They were sooo green. Of course they weren't that green when he had glasses because everyone knows glasses make your eyes look duller.
Harry's muscles rippled underneath his shirt. He had obviously been practicing Quidditch over the summer. Because of course flying around on a broom in the air on your arse really develops some rock-hard biceps, triceps, and abs.
His emerald eyes flicked over to where Draco was sitting with Blaise at the Slytherin table. Of course, his eyes must have been drawn to Draco because of his amazingly good looks and because over the summer, Draco had, amazingly enough, received some sort of inheritance which caused him to emanate irresistible waves of power which caused everyone in Hogwarts to lust after him. And at such a convenient time, when he was still in Hogwarts with hundreds of students (and possibly even teachers) willing to shag him.
During the course of time Draco had become something of a sex god, even though in the past 6 books he had never shown any interest in sex and as far as we know has never shagged anyone in his life. His inheritance had, of course, contributed to the fact that he had an insatiable lust which would stay with him until he found his mate, who would shag him all the time, anytime because that's what soul mates do in their free time.
To sum up the rest of the day after Draco and Harry had realized their newfound interest in each other, they went to classes, each thinking lusty thought about each other and being distracted in all their classes so they couldn't do anything. After they went up to their dorms they couldn't get the other out of their heads and wanked until they fell asleep.
The next morning, their respective friends saw how distracted they were and asked them what the matter was, so they told them. Hermione and Pansy obviously accepted it, while Blaise thought it was funny and Ron went into hysterics until about two hours later he was suddenly fine with it. Another day passed with both sets of friends encouraging the two boys until late that night, when neither boy could sleep and had to go to the Astronomy tower and found each other there, beat each other up, and confessed their feelings, all while complimenting each other on how amazingly silvery-grey Draco's eyes were and how Harry's hair always looks sexy and gave him a just-shagged look. Then they shagged until dawn on the cold stone floor (which is of course everyone's favorite place to fuck someone).
Unless of course, the author chooses to have their friends get together and make an evil plan to somehow get the two rivals who have never shown any interest in each other for the last six years into some sort of walled-in box, closet, or other such area where Harry discovers his kinky side and ends up fucking with Draco until the door magically opens.
Then the day after all the furious shagging, they shocked the entire school by coming to the Great Hall holding hands and being sentimental and very out of character. Everyone gets to see a new side of Harry (which is apparently very dirty) and Draco learns to love and stand up to his father, who he eventually kills later on when he changes sides and decides that Muggles and Muggle-born people aren't really all that bad. Eventually they find out they are mates and that Draco can bear children so there's no need to worry about having an heir to either of their enormous fortunes.
Then they live happily ever after, shagging until the end of time, with Draco's long-lasting sexual endurance and Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue which makes Draco really horny. And they never had to worry about losing their friends or about killing insane Dark Lords that somebody could have killed years ago if they knew it was that easy. Or the fact that neither of them had ever shown signs of being gay (except for Draco and his obsession with hair gel).