Kimberly Powers: International Woman of Mystery
By, Clayton Overstreet
Kim picked up the communicator and said, "Hey Wade, what's the sitch? Drakken? Monkey Fist? Alien invaders?"
"Nothing like that Kim," Wade said. "I have a new invention I thought you and Ron might like to see,"
Ron peeked over Kim's shoulder. "What do you have Wade?"
The boy genius said, "As you two know, I'm the only scientist in the world who's actually been able to take readings from an active trans dimensional vortex inducer."
Kim and Ron shared a look. "Oh yeah, we remember," Kim said.
"So many monkeys..." Ron mumbled and shivered.
"Well, I took those readings and I used them to save you by cobbling together a device that let me peer into alternate dimensions. I took that, fine-tuned it, and presto, I now have the first interdimensional view screen. Did you know that there's an entire universe made up of nothing but ducks? And it turns out that the secret of life and the creator of all things in the cosmos is..."
"Forget that Wade! Nobody cares about boring stuff like that," Ron said. "Are there any creepy parallel universe version of us floating around out there?"
"And are any of them coming to kill us and enslave humanity?" Kim asked.
"None I've found so far. Um, I did find this pocket universe that had Shego taking over the world with some kind of time monkey, but that somehow got sealed off from ever happening." He pushed some buttons. "It also turns out that everyone who ever time traveled leaves this kind of echo and sometimes they bump into each other and merge. We can look at one of those. Some version of you merged with a guy from a 3 dimensional universe."
"Three dimensions?" Ron asked and shivered. "That's just creepy."
"So whom did I merge with?" Kim asked.
Picture of a 3-D human appeared on the screen. He had red hair, huge ugly teeth, and glasses and wore a Technicolor suit. "Kim, Ron, meet Austin Powers. He's a super spy from the nineteen sixties who was cryogenically frozen for thirty years. He was thawed out in the late nineties and went on to once again become the top secret agent in his universe." Ron and Kim were unimpressed. Another image flashed and suddenly there was Kim in the same outfit, glasses, and teeth. "And this is what happened when you two merged."
Kim quickly looked around to make sure nobody was looking. "That's so wrong... Ron, stop laughing."
"That's nothing," Wade said. "Check this out."
A bald Dr. Drakken sat at the head of a large table. Commodore Puddles sat in his lap being stroked.
Speaking with some freaky European accent Drakken said, "Gentlemen and ladies, now that we are all gathered here allow me to introduce you to one another. On my left is the insane golfer Duff Killigan. He's murdered over thirty people and blown up seventeen professional golf coursed throughout Europe. There are quite a few men in uniform who'd love to get their hands on his putter."
"For the last time Drakken, I'm no' gay! It's a bloody kilt! And you can damn well say this bleeding Lucky Charms joke ya wrote fer me yerself. I'm Scottish, not Irish!" Drakken pushed a button and dropped him into a pit in the floor. A jet of fire shot up. "Help, I'm on fire! Put me out, someone put me out! It's burnin' all me skin and hair off! Oh god the pain!" There was the sound of a door opening and then a gunshot.
"Does anyone else have a problem?" Drakken asked. Nobody spoke up. "Next is my number two man, Lord Monty, also known as Monkey Fist or Number Two. He acquired this nickname for his habit of when enraged flinging his..." Drakken stopped and looked at Monkey Fist. The monkey-man had an eye patch. "Well, never mind.
"Next up we have the mad geneticist DN Amy, also known as Fat Beyotch. She weighs a metric ton and once ate a baby."
Standing up DN Amy said, "Dr. Drakken, while you were away I managed to clone you. He's exactly like you in every way... except one eighth your poodle's size." She held out a matchbox and showed off the itty bitty Drakken who waved back. Then it hopped out and ran to hop onto Puddle's head.
"Very good, "Drakken said. "I will call him Micro Me. Oh, isn't that adorable." The tiny Drakken began ridding the dog around the room like a horse.
"And this is my new boyfriend Gil," DN Amy said, looping her arm around the fish-man's shoulders. "We have embraced that love that dare not speak its name."
From the hole Duff's voice came up. "Tha's cause its too busy throwing up and decrying it as a sin against god! Fer cryin' out loud woman, his neck looks like a vagina!"
"I didn't want to mention the smell..." Monkey Fist began.
DN Amy glared at them. "You're just jealous. He's a life-sized cuddle buddy."
"Help me..." Gil whispered.
Drakken cleared his throat. "Maybe I should avoid introductions before we all throw up." Standing up he placed his hands on the table in front of him. "Gentlemen... and DN Amy... I have a plan that will put us at the head of the world. The government has developed a weapon that, from space, can target anything with an intense microwave burst. I can use it to knock out electronics, kill people, or heat up a small pizza. The Vertical Insurrection Air Ground Assault satellite is an unstoppable weapon. With VIAGRA we will rise above all others. Our greatness will eclipse the sun. With one firm thrust we will astound people for years to come... why are you all laughing?"
"Uh, Micro Me did something funny," Monkey Fist said quickly.
"Oh aye," Duff's voice said. "It's not because your brilliant plan has the same name as a pill that stiffens up your..."
"Johnson!" Ron said. Kim looked at him. "Sorry, it's been bugging me all day. It was a question on one of Barken's tests and I just know I got it wrong."
"Anyway," Drakken was saying. Another gout of fire having silenced the Scotsman before he could finish his sentence. "After having my fem-bots kidnap a Japanese toy maker..." He motioned to the side. A Bonnie Rockwiler shaped robot had extendable arms wrapped around a small Japanese business man. ""I have made a large smooth rocket which will take us up and to VIAGRA."
"But," Gil said slipping out of Amy's grasp like wet soap. "Who is going to fly us to it? And what's to stop you know who from interfering?"
Drakken said, "To answer your first question there will be one more person in our little group. The grandson of a Dutch industrialist from the nineteen seventies who managed to reproduce before he had an unfortunate smelting incident, he has been working as a Norwegian folk dancer for several years, but can also fly a rocket. He loved his pet naked mole rat so much that he lost his genitalia in an unfortunate peanut butter incident. Allow me to introduce the aptly named Molemember."
He clapped his hands and a blond boy in a fold dancing outfit stepped into the room. A naked mole rat sticking out of the front of his pants. "I am from Greenland, isn't that weird?" Everyone stared in shock, obviously still stuck on the peanut butter thing. "Oh and allow me to introduce my back up singer, Monique."
A black girl with an Afro stepped out with a microphone. "He had a hairy crotch... but he touched it too much... hey Molemember! Hey Molemember!" She caught their looks. "Hey, it's a steady paycheck."
"And as for you know who... I have someone working on that," Drakken said.
Stepping over Kim as she rolled on the floor laughing and unable to stop, Ron picked up the communicator and said, "Two can play this game. Wade. Take us back to Kim's double. Now!"
"But Ron, don't you want to see what he does with a bong and a blintz?"
"Now Wade! I can have monkey ninjas at your place in thirty seconds."
"Fine..." Wade said. Truth to tell the fact that he'd been unable to find anything on them when Yori had first showed up seriously bothered Wade.
Kimberly "Ann" Powers was currently undercover as a college student taking photos for her school's calendar to sell for charity. She was wearing a pink polo shirt and bright green stretch pants and had two women in front of her. One was a small Japanese girl in a school uniform named Yori and the other was a pale girl with black hair and lipstick in a purple coat.
"Yeah baby! Work the camera girls. You're running! Running! Now you're fainting! Oh yeah! Make love to the camera. Work that mojo baby!" She held out the camera away from everyone. "I'm not even shooting you. Where am I? I'm crazy." Then she took a few more pictures. "And we're done."
The Japanese girl walked away, Kimberly staring at her ass the whole time. Then she felt leather gloves press into her back. "That was very sexy Miss Powers."
"Oh, I know I am. And who might you be baby?" Kimberly asked. "And how soon can we shag?"
"You like to get right to the point, don't you?" The voice said in her ear. Kimberly still felt the hands on her back working their way down when the girl she'd been photographing. In the same voice as the girl behind her she said, "My name's Shego. Shego Tahavit."
"She got to have it?"
In the same voice behind her came an answering, "Yes."
Kimberly put two and two together in her mind. "Tw-tw-twins?" The Shego in front of her was sucking on her finger. The one behind her was moving her hands lower.
"No, my family has superpowers. I have the ability to make copies of myself," the one behind her said. The one in front of her glowed purple and split into two. "Please, let us show you how we keep warm in Canada."
Kimberly pulled out a small notepad. Right between "Join the Dallas Cheerleaders as body oiling specialist" and "Get male sidekick who won't distract hot women from me" was "Have sex with girl with superpowers". She crossed it off.
"Check on the villains real quick," Ron said. The image flickered.
"Why can't I just have one henchman with freaking laser beams coming out of her hands?" Drakken asked. "Come on! Throw me a freakin' bone here people..." Molemember and the mole rat in his pants shot him a dirty look as they boarded the rocket. "Sorry."
"Okay, turn it back."
"Whatever you say Molemember..." Wade said and turned it back. Kim giggled.
In a huge bed Kimberly and five Shego's lay in a pile. The Shegos were wiggling around, each trying to rub Kimberly through the sheets she was wrapped in. Briefly a sheet was moved aside, but anyone watching would have been unable to see anything dirty as Kim's crotch looked like it had a huge red Afro over it, since the author couldn't make her whole body hairy.
"I am a sexy beast!" Kimberly said. "Are you up for another go?"
"It has been thirteen times..." Shego said. "You're insatiable. Oh Miss Powers... I have something to confess."
"Well it can't be that you're really a man baby, cause I checked thoroughly," Kimberly said and grinned.
"No, you don't understand. I was sent here to kill you. But now... I can't do it. You're the best thing to ever happen to me and I can't live without you."
"When you've got it baby, you've got it. So who sent you and how hard am I going to have to hurt him?"
"I was sent by Doctor Drakken. He's..." A loud beeping interrupted her and Kimberly pulled out a small video screen. "Hey Wasil, what's the sitch?"
A skinny black boy with a British accent said, "Kimberly we have news. Doctor Drakken has sent a spy to kill you. Also he's commandeered a weapons satellite in orbit around the Earth and he's demanding a hundred billion dollars and for some reason, a bunch of nacos." He paused. "You are aware that the girl wrapped around you is the would-be assassin?"
"Handled. Besides Wasil, she can turn into twins..." Kimberly wiggled her eyebrows. "Twins."
"Just so you know I have this device and in an alternate world she once used a time monkey to take over the world."
"Wasil, she can take over the world all she wants. As long as I can have sex with many anonymous partners and experiment with mind expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound." She looked at Shego. "Finally those capitalist dogs will pay for their..." Wasil cleared his throat. "Oh right. Yay capitalism!"
"Oh, and your father would like to talk to you." He disappeared and Kim's father came on still adjusting his glasses. "Kimberly, are you going to be home soon? You're not out with some boy are you?"
"No dad, not at all," Kimberly said. "Uh put mom on, will you?"
An older woman who looked like an older version of the super spy came on the screen. "Hi dear." Whispering she added, "How are things going? Anything you don't want me to tell your father about?"
"Mom, if we're going to talk about this with dad in the room can we at least do it in California English?"
"Certainly dear." She cleared her throat. "So whose the piece with the gnarly top?" Who is the hot babe with the huge rack?
"Someone I met who was rolling with the wrong crowd but we did a 360 in the half-pipe and now she's hanging ten with me." She's a former enemy I just humped wetly into submission and now she's with me.
"Bitchin'." All right.
"Dude." So now I'm off to fight a deadly supervillain in a rocket miles above the Earth and I have to stop him from using a super weapon that might enslave all mankind.
"Okay honey. Try to be back by dinner."
"What was that about?" Shego asked.
Suddenly her dad was back on. "Is that Shego?"
Kimberly blinked in surprise. "How do you know that?"
He swallowed and adjusted his collar. "Uh, well you see your mother and I have these "parties" and have for several years now and some of the people at them are in the Tahavit family. Some keys are sometimes exchanged and to make a long story short, there's a chance that I could be her father."
Kimberly and Shego exchanged glances and Kim shut off the communicator. "I'm not sure which is more disturbing love. That you and I might be sisters... or the idea of my parents at a key party."
"If we are sisters then what we did was illegal in forty seven states."
"Forty nine," Kimberly said. "Remember that thing we did about an hour ago."
"Oh, right..." They paused for a minute. "Then again as long as we don't get a paternity test and never mention what your father just said again..."
"Already slipping it into the 'do not open' file of my brain." They got up and got dressed. "Oh, before we do this thing, you work for Drakken right?" Shego nodded. "I know he's crazy... but have you ever seen his nuts?"
Shego glared at her. "Two things in five minutes that I never want to think about again. A new record. And mention that again and I can still kill you." She paused. "One question though Miss Powers."
"It's true baby, I can suck start a leaf blower."
"Not that. I just want to know, where the hell did you stash that communicator? I was all over your body and your pants are so tight you couldn't hide a q-tip in there." She handed Kim her backpack and something fell out. "What's this?" She picked it up. "A breast pump?"
Kim's eyes widened. "That's not mine!"
"Then why does it say 'Property of Kimberly Powers'. It's actually engraved."
"Seriously, that sort of thing isn't my bag baby."
Shego looked closer. "Sold at She examined the part the breast went in. It was a cone. "That explains a lot."
"Would you believe it's really a flamethrower cleverly diguised as... oh hell just shut up and give it to me." She took it and put it away.
Kim said, "Let's fast forward to the good stuff Wade."
"You got it Kim," Wade said.
Monkey Fist said, "They haven't paid up and our spies report that Shego has fallen for Kimberly Powers and they're on their way here to stop us. What should we do to the cities of the world for this?"
Drakken stood at the control panel. "Now that we've taken VIAGRA we will simply rub one out. That will get them off their... stop laughing! And then when we're ready we will take care of Kimberly Powers. The climax will take hours... stop laughing! All of you!" On his shoulder the tiny clone snickered. "You too Micro Me?"
Kimberly and Shego fought their way through several dozen guards and found themselves in a large hanger on the satellite looking up at Drakken's rocket held in place by artificial gravity. Shego whistled and said, "You know this thing looks just like someone's..."
"Member... Molemember is the name," Molemember said stepping out of the rocket. "And if you weren't talking you would have heard my whole introduction. But I suppose it doesn't matter." Reaching into the front of his pants he pulled out his naked mole rat. "Quickly, go tell Monique to activate the trap!" He threw the mole rat away. It flew through the air, caught some wires on his way down on the other side of the hanger where he swung like Tarzan to the girl waiting by a large switch.
"You know, he could have just called out to her..." Kimberly began.
Shego shook her head. "You should see some of Drakken's deathtraps. Why do you think I was so willing to leave him? I keep yelling 'just shoot the hero' but does he listen..." She caught Kimberly's look. "Uh, not that I'd do that any more darling."
Monique flipped the switch and suddenly the exits were all sealed off. Molemember turned to the rocket and shouted, "Fem-bots!"
From the hatch of the rocket one after another copies of Bonnie flipped out and landed heavily on the metal floor in perfect pyramid formation. All of them were dressed in their cheerleader outfits standing on each other's shoulders. Kim and Shego's heads tilted as they realized that not only were their outfits tight enough that they could see a tattoo on the bots' right breasts, but they weren't wearing any underwear.
"Must resist... kinky robots..." Kimberly said.
Shego added, "We can do it. Believe me, I've worked with these things before and every one of them is a total bitch."
"Ah, now isn't that something coming from a girl whose skin clashed with the world?" The Bonnies said in unison. Then from their pompoms the barrels of guns appeared and their cheerleading skirts started spinning around their waists, sounding like buzz saws and gleaming in the light with razor sharpness.
"Well damn," Kimberly said. Grabbing Shego by the collar she dragged the girl away just as the robots started flying, bullets ricocheting off the floor and walls.
"Yipe!" Molemember and Monique bother took cover.
Kimberly and Shego ran for it until they reached the other side of the room. "You've worked with these things! How do we stop them?"
"Listen Urkle..." She saw the look on the spy's face. "Sorry, that was going too far. But seriously, I just worked with them. I have no idea how these things work." They jumped aside as more bullets rained down and the bots broke formation to walk towards them.
Kimberly tried to think. "Did Drakken program these things?"
Shego snorted. "Drakken can't program a VCR. He hired some computer geek from the valley."
"So mentally their AI programming should be the same as a computer geek?" Shego shrugged. "I have an idea. There's one thing that'll seriously blow the mind of any dweeb. Come here."
Shego ran towards Kimberly and the two of them met. Then before she could ask what the agent's idea was Kimberly plastered herself against Shego and kissed her deeply. Shego was about to protest that this wasn't the time when she saw a flash of light. Looking over both girls saw the robots shooting sparks.
"Let's kick this up a bit," Shego said and suddenly there were twelve more of her. Each of her copies grabbed another and began making out. Now fire was shooting out of the robot's ears. Shakily they took aim again with their guns. Kimberly grinned and added, "Did I mention that the two of us could be sisters?"
The robots stopped and the Bonnie voices said, "Catastrophic explosion in ten... nine... eight..."
Kimberly and Shego were about to cheer when Molemember shouted, "You idiots! We're in space! If those things blow a hole in the floor this room will get depressurized!"
Kimberly and Shego immediately turned and ran towards Monique. "Open the door! Open the door!"
Monique, not an idiot, did as she was asked. The doors were a foot off the floor when the three of them slipped under it. On her feet in a second Kimberly hit the close button on the other side and the doors slammed down again just as a huge explosion shook the station. As one the three of them moved to the small window in the door and peered in.
The fem-bots had indeed exploded and now there was a gaping hole in the floor. The naked mole rat was hanging onto some cables as the air was sucked out while Molemember tried hanging onto the ship. Somehow his pants were ripped off by the suction. Looking down at his own crotch Molemember's face took on this accepting look, as if he realized that life wasn't worth living anyway. He shrugged and let go.
For a brief moment Molemember's butt blocked the hole he was being sucked in except for one small hole. A tiny twister formed and the mole rat was sucked into it, briefly caught between Molemember's legs, trying to claw its way free. And then they were both sucked into space.
"Well, that sucked," said Kimberly. "And I really didn't need to see that full moon. But we know he was a real space case..."
"Enough," the other two said.
"Right. Um, do we have to kill you?" She asked Monique.
"Nah, I quit. Do you two need a backup singer?"
Shego asked, "Are you any good?"
"What are your names?" They told her. "Okay, off the top of my head here's something Tom Jones might have gone with. Think the tune to 'She's a lady'." She pulled out her microphone. "She's got pride she's got class she's got a piece of Shego's ass she's Kim Powers. She's gonna show the world her stuff and get herself some muff she's Kim Powers..."
Kimberly held up her hand. "You're hired. We'll go stop the bad guys before VIAGRA kicks in. You find us some space suits so we can hitch a ride on that rocket and get out of here."
Drakken banged his fists on the console. "They've escaped." He checked the countdown. "It doesn't matter. VIAGRA will have powered up in thirty seconds and then Kansas will be destroyed!"
"Sir, don't you think we might want to instead, destroy the town that Powers comes from? Without her helpers she'd be basically defenseless..."
"I am in charge and I say we destroy Kansas! They've had it too good for too long."
"Yeah, whatever," Gil said. "I'm getting the hell out of here." Drakken and Monkey Fist turned to look at him. He and DN Amy were encased in a huge glob of slime. "This'll keep us safe from heat and cold and hold enough air to get us back to Earth. With her fat butt we'll hit the atmosphere in ten seconds. So long suckers." He hit the button on the garbage chute and in a brief sucking of air they were pulled through and the thing closed.
"Number Two. You go take care of them then."
Monkey Fist crossed his arms. "Not unless you stop using that ridiculous nickname."
Drakken groaned. "Forget it." He hit the chute button again and Monkey Fist was sucked out into space. "Micro Me, you and Puddles go after them, now!" The tiny man saluted and rode the dog out of the room.
Shego grabbed Kimberly's arm and stopped. "Oh no."
"What is it?" Kimberly asked. Then she looked down. "It's a smurf on a Poodle!" Shego suddenly pushed her to the floor as green lasers shot from the tiny metal gloves on Micro Me's hands.
"Holy crap! That thing just shot freaking laser beams out of its hands!"
"And the dog is really vicious too," Shego said.
Kimberly rolled to the side to dodge another blast. "Who comes up with this stuff? Laser hands? Honestly!" She glanced at the dog. "You think that thing is dangerous?" Suddenly the poodle leapt forward, biting into her arm. "Ah! Get it off! Get it off!" She banged the dog on the wall.
Micro Me jumped down, aiming his hands at both of them. As Puddles was flung down the hallway he said in a surprisingly deep voice. "Hands up. Get in there." They held up their hands and walked through the door.
"Well Miss Possible, it seems that our conflict has finally come to an end. You know, we're not so different you and I."
"What do you mean by that?" Kimberly asked.
"You see once your mother and I were at this party..."
Kimberly dropped her hands. "Okay, that's it." Lifting one foot she brought it down on Micro Me with a small crunch. Then with a Judo flip she brought her foot into Drakken's face, knocking him out. "There was no way I was ever going to let him finish that sentence."
"Damn right," Shego said. They raced to the control panel. "So what do we do now?"
"We shut it off and then get the hell out of here." Kim looked around until she spotted the instruction manual. "Let's see. Warning: VIAGRA should not be used by anyone with a heart condition..." She flipped through the book. "Ah, here we go. The self destruct command."
"Uh, Miss Powers."
"Not now, I need to read..."
"Kimberly, look!" Shego pointed to the readout screen. "The weapon has already fired. Drakken destroyed Kansas."
Kimberly looked at the readouts. "Well... what do you know?" Suddenly the computer beeped. "And the UN just paid him off. See? It has a read out on Drakken's offshore account."
"And here's the account number and password," Shego said and held up a paper she found while riffling through Drakken's pockets.
Kimberly chewed on her lip. "You know, I just lost a whole state. I can't really see how my career could get much worse."
"On the other hand," Shego put in. "If you happened to die in an explosion in space you'd be given total hero's honors. And just about anybody could disappear with this kind of money."
"I don't know... Wasil could probably..."
"Be bought off with a fraction of this money and would probably even let you secretly run the show from behind the scenes?"
Kimberly grinned. "I like how you think." She quickly set the destruct command and the two of them raced for the exit.
"Kim would never do that," Ron said.
Kim shrugged. "I don't know Ron. I mean she was going to get the blame for destroying a state. And I could think of worse retirement plans." She paused. "I wonder if our Drakken uses the same codes for his accounts."
"He does," Wade said. "Unfortunately our Drakken still has nothing in his bank account."
"Let me know if you get Senior's." Kim got a thoughtful look on her face. "Wade, could you do me a favor?"
Kimberly Powers came back from her morning workout on the beach to her secret island home. Walking up the stares she called out, "Honey, I'm home baby!"
"Up here. I have a surprise for you."
Kimberly ran upstairs and ran to the bedroom. Under the covers she saw several forms wriggling around. "Oh yeah baby! Let's shag!" Reaching over she uncovered them. Another version of herself in lingerie joined purple and green versions of Shego. "Shego and Kimberly from a parallel universe?"
Kim Possible grinned up at her. "Yeah baby."
From the closet Monique started singing, "Call me, beep me, if you wanna shag me."
I plan to illustrate this somehow. And before you say anything... yes, I know how wrong this was. I did a few captions of Kim Possible as Austin Powers and couldn't resist. If you want to tell me what you think my email is