Disclaimer: Esse lays claim to nothing. The FF8 cast? Square's. Her meager funds? Square's. Her sanity? Ah, well, since no one's seen it since the 80s, we'll let Square have that as well.

Notes: Unless you've read the GC fairytales, this will not make even the smallest smidgen of sense. It's just a tiny musing -- why *won't* the guys buy their beloved Kommissar... err... Commander an answering machine?

Warnings: Not yaoi ('cause there ain't any sex), but there are plenty of shounen ai insinuations. Don't worry, if you're narrow-minded enough, ya may never notice them. =D Yeah right! Pairings? ^^;; You'll figure it out soon enough. Language... is childish and immature.

Extra Special Warning: Well, the formatting finally failed on FFnet, and *why* nobody told me I just don't know. Humph. So, here it is, plain version, fixed and readable.

and as always
"talking" whispering *emphasis*

.oO0Oo.
Beep
.oO0Oo.

The light flashed. And flashed. A multitude of flashes in a darkened room, luring the new arrival closer. Step/flash, step/flash, against his will, but the habit was too ingrained to deny, till he stood in front of it, eyes hooded with misgiving and reflecting red with each bright pulse. Flash flash flash, a display that he couldn't ignore, that he wanted --needed-- to confront. An arm lifted -- a finger stretched -- a button pressed nervously.

Beep.

"Hey Irvine, it's Selphie…
Are you there?
…Well, call me, 'kay?"

Beep.

"Hi, this is Carlis -- ah, Irvie?
You left your… well…
Just come pick it up before my boyfriend gets back, okay?"

Beep.

"Mr. Leonhart, this is Grant Hrekshaw with Vroster Whole Life.
We've reviewed your application, and we just have a few questions before we can put your policy in effect. You listed your occupation as 'Mercenary.'
…As you know, Vroster doesn't insure those employed in 'high-risk' occupations…
Perhaps you meant to write something else?"

Beep.

"Yo, it's Zell! Pick up pick up pick up!"

Beep.

"Irvine? Jancine… I just wanted to let you know I had a wonderful time yesterday…
Call me?"

Beep.

"It's Quistis…
Do you have any idea what time it is…?
Where the hell are you Almasy? You promised I could have the car…"

Beep.

"Hi Squall! This is Mirlinda, I just wanted t' let you know we got the Sanrio shipment in…
It looks like the new character is some kind of monkey…
Do you still want us to hold the Hello Kitty toaster for you?"

Beep.

"It's Zell, again.
Where are you guys?
Dammit Seifer, you said you'd pick me up!"

Beep.

"Hey, Squall? It's Irvine… I'm running a little behind…
Do me a favor, will you? If you see Selphie, could you tell her I was out with you all night? I don't know when I'll get in…
Lost my hat somewhere…"

Beep.

"Squallie? Squaaaaalie! It's your Rinny-angel! I wuvs you, yes I do!
Oh, and Xu's being a big meanie! She's not doing *anything* I tell her to. Talk to her before I turn her into a frog, okay?
Heehee, hope you're not having fun without me!"

Beep.

"Almasy, you're dead. I'm sending the Trepies to hunt you down and fumigate you for the fungus you are. I asked for the car a month ago!


Dammit."

Beep.

"Ah, it's me, Selphie…
Irvine? Who's Carlis? And why does she have your hat?
…And why is *my* number inside it?"

Beep.

"Chicken, are ya there?
…Look, the car got a flat, then I ran over some FH pacifist…
Please tell me ya got a ride from someone else…
Zell…???
…Quistis is gonna kill me…"

Beep.

"Squall Leonhart, your subscription to 'Women's World' is about to expire. We'd just like to take this opportunity to remind you to renew…"

Beep.

"This is Grant Hrekshaw again… My supervisor is a bit concerned with how you answered section … Under previous medical conditions -- you've written stabbed, frozen, mauled by rabid toramas, electrocuted, zombified, impaled by spears of ice, stung, sliced, set on fire… umm… yes, here it is… allergic to natural fibers. Can you elaborate on that?"

Beep.

"Hey, it's Raijin, ya know? Me and Fujin, we're starting up a collection for Mayor Dobe; he was involved in a hit-and-run last night, ya know? Anyway, we was wondering if any of you'd want t' contribute?"

Beep.

"Squall? Xu. Come and get your girlfriend out of my face. Just because she's sleeping with you doesn't mean she can come in and tell me how to do my job.
…Get your hands off of the phone, you witch!…


Squallie? Squallie-snookums-sweetie-sweetcheeks? Ah…
Don't be mad now…
…I'm sure I can change Xu back…
Ribbit!"

Beep.

"I hope you're happy Almasy! Because of you, I can't get into Timber for my *Instructor of the Year* award! I hate you! Hate you hate you hate you! You are *so* failing this semester!"

Beep.

"Hi Irvine, it's Jancine again.
I haven't heard back from you, so I went ahead and mailed it. Hope it gets to you in one piece!
…Wanna have lunch tomorrow?"

Beep.

"SEIFER?
SEIFER?
DOBE…
HOSPITAL…
FLO TOOK OVER!
HELP!"

Beep.

"Mr. Leonhart, Vroster Whole Life prides itself on being able to help individuals with unique circumstances… However, I must admit, you've…
You've…
May I ask, Mr. Leonhart, why you failed to answer question : Father's name, and instead wrote 'Anyone but the President of Esthar. That man is not my father! He's not! No no no no no no no!'?"

Beep.

"This -- this is just great Seif. I'm gonna hafta hitchhike home.
I'd sure like t' know what was so important…
Look, some bum's yellin' at me, I gotta go…
I didn't know Deling had slums…"

Beep.

"Hey, Squall? Forget what I told you to tell Selphie earlier. Found my hat; turns out I left it at this lady's house… But it was worth it -- managed t' buy that necklace she's been wanting, and I found the bracelet that used t' go with it…
…Any ideas where I should make reservations?"

Beep.

"This is just fricken' great. The flat, I could handle. That pedestrian I tapped -- not a problem. But now I'm stuck in traffic -- all these people are marching in the street with 'Flo is Fab' signs… Can one of you guys pick up the Chicken? His plane was due t' come in this morning…
…and whatever you do, stay away from Quistis. They're revoking her award, since she didn't show…"

Beep.

"Squallsie-wallsie-puddin'-pie? My huggle-snugglie-bunnie-bear? I…
I sorta lost Xu…
But I'll find her! I promise!
After all, how many places can a 100-pound toad hide?"

Beep.

"This is Nida. I really need to speak with the Commander…"

Beep.

"Me again, ya know?
Stop kicking me Fu!
Flo's just been elected as spokesperson for FH…
Her first act was to declare war against Winhill, ya know? And nobody's heard from Dobe… Although the rumor going around is that he's dead. Dead, or outside his house playing cards with Martine…
What could she want with Winhill? Didn't Dobe buy her enough flowers, or somethin'?
Ow! Fu!"

Beep.

"Grant Hrekshaw… Mr. Leonhart, did you know that according to Galbadian military records, you're dead? Surely there's been some mix-up…
Three prison guards are serving life sentences for your murder, though…
Guess that's where the electrocution came in, huh?"

Beep.

"Yo baby, it's me! Just so you won't worry -- hah! -- I found a ride, and I should be home before dark. Squall's dad is so cool! I never got t' ride in a limo before…
What are the odds of running into Laguna here? Maybe I should ask him what he's doing…
Nah, gift horses, and all that.
You're really starting t' worry me Seif.
…I miss you…"

Beep.

"Irvine, how could you! I--I--I'm so mad! Just come over and get your things. We're through. And don't you *dare* try 'Sefie'-ing me!"

Beep.

"Squall, I want you to put Almasy on report. Have you seen the TV? They gave that bitch Norviskia *my* award!
…If you need me, I'll be down doing my laundry.
And when is my request for more socks going to be approved?"

Beep.

"Commander, it's Nida. Please come down to the cafeteria. There's this -- huge toad wallowing in the macaroni salad. We're pretty sure it's someone Rinoa's shifted, but, well -- it's still disgusting. And have you been watching the news? Dollet's moved to Winhill's aid -- by attacking Esthar. There's been no official word from the palace… Laguna took off for a little getaway with Kiros, leaving Ward in charge…
I guess I should say there's been no word at all…"

Beep.

"Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow…"

Beep.

"SEIFER?
SQUALL?


…"

Beep.

"Squall, it's Seifer. I found out what the hold-up was. Seems Flo's trying for a hostile take-over of Galbadia. People are going nuts. There's talk that she's been possessed.
...Is everything okay with Rinoa?
Let me know if you hear from Zell. I hope t' hell he's not caught in this."

Beep.

"Squall Leonhart? It's Cid… Oh, and Edea's here with me. If you could report to the bridge… We need to discuss a change in the Garden's itinerary…
The shumi are threatening to launch missiles at anyone who gets within a thousand mile radius of their village…"

Beep.

"Mr. Leonhart, Vroster Whole Life has done its best to meet your insurance needs. I feel, however, that you may be better off seeking life insurance from our rivals -- err -- competitors -- umm -- our enemies. Yes. It would very much be to Vroster's benefit if *they* had to handle any of your future claims. Thank you for your interest…"

Beep.

"Whoa! Laguna's pissed! He just found out about Dollet…
Guess they slipped a saboteur into the Presidential Palace…
Whoever it was, they drank all of his Mocha Mix. He's vowed revenge…
Seifer, if you're there, pick up, please?
Look, whatever I did, I'm sorry…"

Beep.

"Squallie-sugarplum? Pookie-wookie?
Squall?
…I seem to be having problems turning Xu back…
Personally I think she likes being a frog. Anyway…
I think Ultimecia's back… or just starting up, or something.
Just thought I should let you know.
See you tonight my sexy box of Raisinettes!"

The light ceased its flashing. The finger hovered, then pressed. Erased. Heaving a sigh of relief, the figure made its way into the bedroom. He was going to take a nap; maybe things would work themselves out while he was sleeping. It's not like things could get any worse...

Bring Bring.

~*~...static...~*~

The Notes to the Ficcie go on and on...: Like I said, this will have made no sense if you haven't read theGCfairytales. They explain who's roomed with who, who's dating who, and who's locked in blood feud with who. They may even explain why Esse never learned the proper usage of whom; objective case forms my ass...