Title: Her Heart's Desire
Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean
Pairing: Elizabeth Swann, Will Turner - w/ thoughts of Sparrowbeth
Summary: Elizabeth isn't sure who her heart belongs to... the dashingly handsome pirate or the blacksmith who loves her unconditionally? Who will she choose?
Warning: No spoilers for AWE, simply because I haven't read any, but the timeline of the story is set for DMC and AWE.
Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately pouts
Her Heart's Desire
I lean against the railing of the ship and stare absentmindedly down at the water as we rush through it. We helped Barbossa commandeer this ship and now we are in the middle of the ocean on our way to save Jack. Everyone is nervous about going to the world's end because there is a good chance that a few of us won't be coming back. I can't help feeling really guilty about it because none of this would be happening if it wasn't for me. There wouldn't be a chance of any of us dying if I hadn't deceived Jack Sparrow.
There is no escaping the fact that I killed Jack, I am a murderer and I don't know how to handle the reality of it. Now if anyone gets killed on this dangerous rescue mission, their blood will be on my hands because this whole mess is my fault alone. At the time when I kissed Jack I could find no other way to put a stop the kraken, it was after Jack and wouldn't stop until it had him. The only way to trap Captain Jack Sparrow was to kiss him; distract him long enough so I could chain him to the mast.
My plan had backfired, however, I found myself enjoying the kiss far too much. I know I should have expected that type of reaction though. Ever since that damn compass pointed at Jack I haven't been able to think about anything else. That kiss makes me wonder about my true feelings though, was it love or lust that made me enjoy it like I did? Is it the need I feel for another adventure that draws me to him, or have I fallen in love with him? I wish I knew the answer because maybe then I would know what to do.
Everything about that kiss has brought me unbearable guilt, and it is eating away at me. That kiss sealed Jack's fate, as well as made me question my feelings for him. I also feel guilty for kissing him because in doing so I have betrayed someone I truly care about. I know that Will saw me kiss Jack; he had to have witnessed it. He has been oddly distant, before all this happened he had to be by my side at all times it seemed. There is no explanation for his odd behavior other than he saw my betrayal. Whenever I get his eyes to meet mine, they are filled with anguish and betrayal. Those expressive eyes of his kill me because I know I am to blame for his pain and heartache.
That damn compass has made me question my feelings for him though. Do I love him as much as I originally had thought? The compass wouldn't have pointed to Jack if I loved Will with all my heart though, right? I never wanted to hurt Will, I truly do love him and hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me one day. No matter what happens when Jack returns, and no matter who I choose to be with, I will always love Will and a place in my heart will forever belong to him. I am so confused about whom my heart truly lies with, and even though the compass says I want Jack, one glance at Will tells me that I am not so convinced. Can a person love two people at once? I can't decide who I want right now while my mind is in such turmoil, but I am sure I will make the right decision when the time comes.
Turning my sorrowful gaze away from the ocean I find Will sitting on the stairs leading up to the helm. He is staring down at his hands, but his eyes are unfocused and I can tell that he is deep in thought. I wonder, what is plaguing him? Is he haunted by mental visions of the kiss? Does he doubt my love for him now? Then again, it is possible that he never witnessed my sinful act, and is in fact troubled from losing someone he considered to be a friend. I know that is just wishful thinking, but it could be possible and I have to hold onto that for my own piece of mind.
Taking a deep breath in an attempt to summon up some strength, I push away from the railing and slowly make my way over to him. He doesn't look up when I sit down beside him, but I know he notices my presence because of the fact that his body has become tense. I wish to comfort him; to even place my hand on his shoulder, but am unsure if that would be wise. Instead of touching him, I try to convey my concern with my eyes; hoping he can feel the weight of my stare. This whole thing would be much easier if he would just look my way, but it doesn't seem that he will. He is being his stubborn self as usual.
I clear my suddenly clogged throat before opening my mouth to speak, "What is troubling you Will? Are you worried about that task ahead, or concerned about Jack?"
"I saw you." He whispers after a long moment of silence; I have to strain to hear him.
This time he turns his eyes to me and all breath is sucked out of my body at the agony I find in them. "I saw you Elizabeth."
My eyes widen when his words sink in and it feels as though my heart has stopped beating. "I... Will... I, uh..." I stumble over my words and trail off eventually; at a loss.
"Why did you do it? You didn't enjoy it, did you?" His eyes are pleading with me, but I know I can't lie to him.
"I... Will, I kind of did." I whisper miserably.
His face falls, but he tries to mask the hurt he is feeling. "Well... please, tell me you don't love him."
My answer would have been "of course not" before, but I just don't know anymore. I really can't answer that for him so I decide to stay quiet. I watch as his face becomes blank, he is distancing himself from me, like he did when we were younger and was trying to pretend that he had no feelings for me, and he is keeping his emotions from view.
He nods his head curtly and stands up. "I believe I have my answer. I'm going to go get some rest, have a good night miss Swann."
I close my eyes when I hear those formal words leave his lips, and when I re-open them, Will is gone. I wish things could go back to normal, I don't like the fact that he has resorted back to speaking and treating me the way he did two years ago. Everything was going so well for us; we were ready to be married and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Where did we go wrong? Or more importantly, where did I go wrong?
I don't know what this thing with Jack is... true love, temporary lust? No matter what you call it, it has caused me more problems than I care to bear. How could I have betrayed Will so easily? He has done everything for me... saved my life many times, risked his life for me on each occasion, shown me more love than my own father at times. Hell he has taught me what it is like to love someone with my whole heart. He always put me before himself, I know for a fact that he would gladly be miserable for the rest of his life so long as I was happy. He would literally do anything for me, how could I have been so careless with his heart? How could I have thrown everything I have with him simply to be in the arms of Jack Sparrow for a moment in time? How could I have broken his heart without a second thought? I have given everything up for an uncertainty. Jack never said he wanted to settle down and start a family, which is what I want more than anything. Freedom and grand adventures don't come close to having a family and true love, so why did I risk it?
"I'm sorry Will." I whisper as my emotions get the better of me, and I quickly run to my assigned cabin.
Once inside I crumple to the floor in a burst of sobs; rocking my body back and forth. I am sorry for hurting Will, but still have thoughts of being in Jack's arms, and that is why I can't stop crying. I am a terrible person who doesn't deserve someone like Will. At this point I am not so sure I deserve Jack either. I have hurt both of them beyond repair and there is nothing I can say to justify my actions, or make things right.
With a pleased expression on my face I watch as the Captain walks around, more like swaying, and caresses his beloved ship. The battle was near impossible, but he have managed to save Jack and now everyone is celebrating his safe return, as well as a fight well fought. Many were injured during the battle and a few lives were lost. For the ones who are no longer among us, we celebrate their bravery.
Among the lost happened to be Pintel, and now Ragetti doesn't know what to do. Considering what they did to us, it is kind of hard to believe that I miss him as well, but it is a fact I can't deny. In my eyes he proved himself to be a good man and his passing is hard on everyone. His death was undeserved, but at least he went with bravery and heart. I will never forget what he has done for us all and in death I hope he has found peace.
Myself, I was injured during the fight, but not as badly as others were. I have a gash on my forehead from being pushed to the deck of the Flying Dutchman, and a slash on my arm from one of their swords. Jack was pretty bad off when he got to him, and none of us thought he should participate in the fight, but he had a score to settle with Davy Jones and wouldn't give in. This had bothered me greatly, but he came out victorious in the end so I am slowly being able to let it go. He is alive and relatively well, that is all I care about. However, he then proceeded to dual Barbossa for ownership of the Pearl! Needless to say Jack won and gets to keep his beloved ship, while Barbossa walks away with nothing. As for Will, I am not so sure what is wrong with him. He seems to be in a great amount of pain, but I haven't been able to express my concern because he has been avoiding me at all costs.
My breath catches in my throat when Jack's eyes meet mine, and I blush under his gaze shyly, but mostly because I feel so guilty for what I did to him. There is a soft expression in his eyes; dare I say it resembles affection? But I can also see hurt in his eyes, and instantly I know he hasn't forgiven me. Not that I expected him to, but it still pains me. It bothers me because I consider him to be my friend, but it also bothers me because if I really do love him... well condemning him to death really ruins any chance I may have at being with him.
I turn my guilty eyes away from him when I can no longer handle it and catch sight of Will hurrying below deck. Without a second thought, I run after him and find him in the crew's quarters with his back turned to me. I open my mouth to softly speak his name, but all that escapes is a silent gasp when I see him take off his jacket and sight of his bloody shirt meets my gaze. When he takes off his shirt, however, I can't hold in the gasp of shock that escapes me when I see the open and bleeding welts covering his back. Oh God, what happened to him? This horrified and concerned thought passes through my mind as my eyes roam over his tortured back.
He whirls around when he hears my gasp break the silence in the room and looks at me nervously. "What are you doing down here Elizabeth?"
"What happened to you?" I ask; ignoring his question.
"Nothing, it's not as bad as it looks." He turns away as he says this and grabs a clean shirt; his body tense as he pulls it on. "Don't worry about it."
"No I won't let this go; I want to know when this happened!" I say stubbornly; firmly. "What happened to you Will?"
He releases a deep sigh and turns to face me once again; eyes full of pain. "It happened on the Flying Dutchman, when Jack sent me to settle his debt and I found the key to Jone's chest. Jones made..." He stops for a moment; taking a deep breath and avoiding my eyes. "He made my father whip me as a form of punishment for the both of us."
I press my hand against my mouth in shock and disgust. He was whipped while in the hands of Davy Jones, he technically went to that ship because of me, so... so what happened to him is my fault! The shame in the pit of my stomach builds as I think of all the events that are connected to me. He took a whipping because of me, and how do I repay him? I kiss Jack Sparrow.
"Oh God, I... I am so sorry Will." My voice is shaky as I say this, and I step closer to him. "Here, let me help you clean these wounds."
"No, I can manage on my own. I appreciate the offer, but your assistance is not needed." He says as he backs away from my outstretched hands.
"Don't be silly Will; you cannot do this on your own. Just let me..." I don't get to finish for he firmly cuts me off.
"I don't want your help Elizabeth, please do this one thing for me and leave me alone."
I can't hold back any longer. "Are we still getting married Will?" Though I am not so sure why I have asked this.
He turns his pained eyes to me and shakes his head sorrowfully. "I think you should already know that answer, considering you probably love Jack, but I would have to say no... No, our marriage isn't in the cards." Tears are in his eyes as he speaks, but he won't allow them to fall. "I think we should just accept that we aren't meant to be."
Tears fill my eyes at the thought of what he just said, I can't imagine Will and I not being meant for one another. He is all I have ever been able to think about since I was a young girl. I can't imagine not having him beside me now, and I can't handle the thought of letting him go.
"You should be on deck, spending your time with Jack, we both know that is where you want to be." He whispers in a broken voice, like each word is too painful to speak, and refuses to look at me.
As he leaves me alone in the room I dissolve into tears and have to place my hand against the wall to keep myself from crumpling to the floor. This pain I am currently feeling, I haven't felt before and I can't even explain it right now. All I know is it feels like the pain is suffocating me and my heart will burst out of my chest at any minute. I can't handle this pain a minute longer; I need to decide who my heart desires the most.
Drying the tears from my face the best I can, I head to the deck of the ship and search the area with my eyes. I find Jack at the wheel of the Pearl with a bright smile on his face; it is obvious that he is happy to be on the open sea again, and to have his precious Pearl beneath his feet. It is now I realize that his true love is the Pearl and freedom; there is no room in his heart for anything or anyone else. Of course, this disheartens me because, if I do love him, I know he will never love me nearly as much as I want him to.
My eyes move to the right and land on Will, who is standing by the railing, and my eyes fill with tears once again. I don't want to lose him; even losing his friendship would kill me. I can't imagine my life without him, in any form, and I don't want to. If I didn't have to choose between them, I wouldn't, but I know that I can't have both of them. No matter how much it pains me, I have to decide who I love the most and at the moment I believe that person is Jack Sparrow. The compass says my heart desires Jack, so maybe I should listen to it. I hate the thought of what my decision will likely do to Will, but I can't ignore what my heart truly desires. If that means I have no choice, but to let go of Will... then I guess I will do whatever it takes.
Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye
I am startled when Tia is suddenly at my side, and she smiles at the expression on my face. I look at her warily when she holds something out for me to take and then she grabs my hand when I make no move. I look at her in confusion when I see Jack's compass in the palm of my hand, and my first instinct is to make her take it back, but she simply refuses and insists that I open it.
Hesitantly I lower my eyes to the life ruining compass, and take a deep breath before slowly opening it. Unlike before, when it would spin around in circles before finally landing on its target, it immediately points directly in front of me, and I raise my eyes to find that it is pointing at Will. I can't even try to stop the gasp of surprise that escapes me when I see the arrow pointing in his direction. However, I have mixed feelings inside my being now. I am overjoyed to finally see the compass pointing to the man it should have all along, but I am also confused... why did it point to Jack in the first place when it is pointing to Will now?
I turn my confused eyes to the woman next to me. "I don't understand. Does this thing even work? Is it trying to mess with my head? Is that why it pointed to both of them at separate times?"
Tia smiles at my distress, and I frown at her reaction. "Yer 'eart has always belonged to Will'um Miss 'lizabeth. Ta compass point ta yer 'eart's desire a course, but ta only reason it point ta Jack is 'cause he could lead ya ta Will. Ya 'as simply misunda'stood it's meanin'."
My eyes widen slowly as her words start to sink in, and I realize the truth of everything; begin to understand. The compass wasn't pointing to Jack because I loved him, it pointed to him because he knew how to find the one I love... he knew where Will was. Oh God, I was so stupid! I think to myself angrily. Please tell me that I haven't lost Will yet, he needs to know that I love him and only him.
Without so much as thanking Tia, I shut the compass and thrust it into her hands before rushing over to Will. As soon as he is in reach, I pull him into my arms and attach my mouth to his. His body is frozen with shock, but I don't stop kissing him, can't stop because I have missed this so much. After a moment, however, he pushes me away and I can't stop the groan of disappointment that escapes me.
"What are you doing Elizabeth?" He asks; demanding an explanation, which I can't blame him.
"I love you Will." I reply honestly; with my happiness. "I don't love Jack; I love you and always have."
"I don't understand." He says with a long sigh. "If you truly love me, then why did you kiss him? Why were you unsure on how you feel about him?"
"Because I was told that his compass shows you your heart's desire, but it frightened me because it kept pointing to Jack. It made me rethink everything, I was so confused Will." I explain; hoping he understands. "I am still in love with you, but the compass was telling me that I loved Jack... or so I had thought." I say this last part as an after thought; smiling at the absurdity of it all. "Please tell me you understand how I could be confused; I was misguided."
He just stares at me for a moment before finally deciding to speak. "So what makes you so sure now?"
"Tia made me look at the compass again, it pointed to you Will." I reply excitedly, but I can see that he is confused so I quickly explain, "Tia told me that the only reason it pointed to Jack in the first place was because he could take me to you; I never loved him Will."
At my words, a look of relief washes over his features and it is nice to see since pain has been all that his face has expressed for a while now. If it were up to me, his face would never show a trace of sorrow ever again. I don't like seeing him in pain, and I don't like him being angry with me.
"So, where does this leave us now?" I ask cautiously; afraid to hear the answer, but knowing the question needed to be asked.
He lets out a heavy sigh and looks away. "I don't know Elizabeth, despite knowing that you love me... I'm finding it hard to trust you because you should have trusted your heart and not a compass. For Christ's sakes Elizabeth, you needed a compass to tell you that I am the one you love... you're heart should have been able to tell you that, not a compass."
My face falls when I hear this and despair takes a hold once again. "So that's it then, this is how we end? I'm truly sorry for hurting you Will; I can understand how you wouldn't want to be with me anymore." Tears fill my eyes as I say this and I don't even try to hold them inside.
"I didn't say I don't want to be with you anymore Elizabeth, I'm just saying it may take time for me to regain my trust in you." He says with a small smile; hesitating before wiping a tear off my cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I think we should put the wedding on hold, until we are sure that we want to be married."
"I am already sure about that, I want to be married to you Will." I grab a hold of his hand; trying to convey how sincere I am with physical contact.
He squeezes my hand gently with a somber smile on his face. "I thought that was what I wanted as well, but I am not so sure anymore. If we get married I want it to happen because we are ready and we both want to... I don't want to have any doubts lingering in the back of our minds. I hope you can understand, and accept my decision. I'm not saying I don't love you, I will always love you Elizabeth, but I think getting married right now would be a mistake."
It hurts to think about the possibility of him never wanting to marry me; that I have ruined the chance I had at being Elizabeth Turner, but I find myself nodding my head in understanding nonetheless. "I respect your decision, though I would still love to marry you. I will be right here; waiting for the day you will be ready. I love you Will, and will wait however long it takes to be your wife."
He gives me another one of his small smiles, his eyes shining with warmth, before letting go of my hand and walking away. There is much I want to say to him, I want him to believe me when I tell him that I love him and that there is nothing I want more in this world than to marry him. I want to say something, anything, so he will show me that everything will be alright between us, but all I can do is watch him walk away from me.
I know that he said he still loves me, and wants to be with me, but I can't help being afraid that he will leave me. I know that the kiss is still on his mind, and he can't forgive me for what I have done. I only have myself to blame, but that doesn't make me feel any better. If he leaves me, it will be my own fault, but I desperately don't want him to. I want to settle down with him and start a family of our own.
I may have had doubts before, but now I am positive that my heart belongs to him alone. I don't ever want there to be a day when he says goodbye, because I can't live without him and I don't even want to try. Despite what he says, I know all this is quite possible, and that is because I was unfaithful. I will regret my actions for the rest of my days though. I should have listened to my heart instead of a stupid compass, only my heart can tell me what I truly desire.
There are many things I should not have done where that kiss with Jack is concerned, but most of all I should have never doubted my love for Will... I can just imagine how the knowledge of my doubt makes him feel. He mustn't ever know about how close I came to leaving him for Jack, that would just tear him apart, and I would never want to hurt him that way.
Turning my pain filled eyes away from Will's figure; I turn and head below deck. As soon as I find an isolated area, I sink to my knees and allow my pain to escape from my eyes. Please forgive me Will. I think as more tears fall down my face; landing on the wood beneath me. I hope you still want to spend the rest of your life with me because I want to spend mine with you.
I meant what I said to him, it will kill me if he leaves me, but I will be waiting for him until he finally decides what he wants. He means the world to me, and he is worth waiting for, no matter how long the wait may be. I have to hold onto the fact that there is still hope for us. Even if I am forever left waiting on him, I will be here waiting patiently... that is something you do for someone you love with your whole heart and soul.
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I'm stretching, but you're just out of reach
I'm ready when you're ready for me
A/N: Sorry if I didn't do Tia's accent right, I haven't mastered her quite yet. Well what did you think of the story? Bad, fairly good, could've been better? Please share you're thoughts, I really want to know if I did an alright job.