Disclaimer: I don't own anything here. I'm sure you can figure out who owns them. c: Unless you don't recognize it and I don't give credit for it… then I own it.

this is being reposted

WARNING: contains cutting, if your sensative to that- don't read it.

All grammatical errors are made on purpose and with a point.


Playlist.
Break My Fall, Breaking Benjamin
Had Enough,
Breaking Benjamin
Until the End,
Breaking Benjamin
Evil Angel,
Breaking Benjamin
One Step Closer,
Linkin Park
Breaking The Habit,
Linkin Park
Prayer of Saint Francis,
Sarah McLachlan
Absence Of Fear,
Jewel
Behind the Blue Eyes,
The Who
In the Darkness,
Mackenzie Phillips
Bleeding Pain; Part One

He was gone. All my doubts and fears were proven true; Edward didn't love me and never had. Those nights he held me close, the sweet nothings he whispered in my ear, his breath dazzling me… the nights his family played baseball, the wonderful summer he had given me… it was all a lie. Even him saving me from James was part of the façade. Was the rest of his family in on the game as well? I could only assume so; why would they leave as well?

They had played the game so well, but Jasper messed up and ended the game early. How long had Edward intended to carry on the charade? How had he intended for it to end? Would he have given into his thirst and drank me dry or would he show me some courtesy and have changed me?

And if Edward didn't love me, did I want to me immortal? I didn't want to live behind a mask for eternity, not if my one true love wasn't with me.

And I didn't have a true love anymore. He had ripped my heart out and left it muddied in the woods.

And I could never get it back. What was the point? Even if the memories and feelings were false they were still there and I would always remember them, whether I wanted to or not. They would be there as a constant reminder of false happiness and how stupid I was for falling for Edward's charms.

I knew that I could never love again. Didn't someone once say that a life without love is no life at all?

What I was experiencing certainly couldn't be life. If a breeze blew by I was sure I would feel it echo inside of me like a hallow cave.

This was not life. It hurt too much, funny how being numb can be so painful.

And yet it would be all too easy to end the pain.

People did it all the time, people like me, people who couldn't stand this numb pain. I heard about it on TV and in health class. We had all been told to talk to someone if we thought about it. But how could someone else understand what I was going through. No one could sympathize with me or talk me through this pain.

Besides, what would I tell them? Hi, I went steady with a vampire for six months and then he ripped my heart about but wasn't kind enough drain me of my blood. Now here I am, hallow and empty. What can you prescribe me?

Things would be easier on everyone if I wasn't here. Sure they would grieve at first and be sad, maybe even angry. But in the long run…

I would never recover from this pain; I would never live a normal life. Not that I had had a normal one before Edward left. By staying here I was just causing people more anguish. And I just couldn't stand for that.

There were many ways I could do this; I knew that down at First Beach there were tall and jagged cliffs. It would be final- if I hit the rocks. I could hang some rope from a rafter, I knew Edward's house had rafters. It was easy to see why I would pick there. Overdosing could be simple, but how could I get a hold of pills and how could I come up with the right combination?

I couldn't let this fail.

I had heard people joke about it in school. They would talk about family dinners and stress from finals and make morbid motions. They made little poems about it; up the road not across the street. People made fun of this.

It wouldn't be that hard to do, a kitchen knife was all I would need. It would probably hurt, but who's to say that this numb feeling would go away. Maybe my emotional pain overpowered my physical pain. Who was I kidding? Of course it did.

And even with the pain it would be over soon enough and there was definitely no way out of this one.

One cut was all it would take.

It was ironic that this was the way I would end it all; spill my blood for someone who thirsted for mine. And best of all it would be the last thing Edward would expect out of me.


Dedicated to beautifulnblck who unknowingly gave me the idea for this story.