Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: This piece started with an idea from AmberEyes, and it sort of blew up from there. We had lots of fun writing it. BHG even loosened up and let Emmett have some fun. LOL! Got to love Emmettly goodness! Thanks to the Twilight Lexicon and sillybella for a few subtle references. And the song "I'm Too Sexy" belongs to Right Said Fred. A really big, huge, gigantic Thank You to our beta, Cocoa! We put you under a serious time crunch and you pulled through for us. You rock!
Happy St. Patrick's Day Everyone!!! Enjoy!
Edward and Emmett walked down a deserted alleyway flanked on either side by abandoned brick office buildings. They could hear the crowd up ahead. Their footsteps quickened with anticipation.
"I don't know about this, Emmett." Edward said tentatively.
"Actually, Edward, I am really shocked that you have lived this long without doing this." Emmett gave him a reproachful look and shook his head.
"Why would I?" Edward asked incredulously.
"Because this is absolutely the best thing EVER!" Emmett's smile was growing to out of control proportions.
"But, Emmett, I'm not even Irish," Edward said, trying to show some sort of logic, but Emmett wasn't having it.
"Edward, haven't you ever heard that EVERYONE is Irish on St. Patrick's Day?"
Edward and Emmett stepped out of the alleyway into the enormous tidal wave of chaos that flooded the streets of Chicago. The Celtic music flooded over the outlandish crowd, consuming everyone in its merriment. It was drunken debauchery at its finest. The thick clouds overhead did nothing to dampen the mood of the celebration. There was Kelly green everywhere: green shirts, green hats, green beads, and green beer….
Emmett's eyes followed an elderly gentleman dressed in a cream Irish wool sweater and a woolen tam. In his hands, he held two pints of green Irish ale.
"Ok, Emmett, we should probably stick together …" Edward's words broke off when he turned to look over his shoulder, only to realize that his brother was no longer standing there. Edward rolled his eyes and groaned.
"This is going to be a long day."
With that Edward took off in search of Emmett among the crowd of St. Patrick's Day revelers. As he pushed his way through the mass of humanity he listened, trying to find Emmett in the cacophony of minds. He became aware of a female's thoughts somewhere nearby. Oh, how I'd like to have me some of that! He looked over his shoulder to see a woman with auburn hair give him a lusty look. He turned hastily, his mind filled with her thoughts of exactly what she wanted to do, and found himself face to face with a laughing Emmett. Edward took a step back and looked at his brother's new appearance. Emmett's unbuttoned shirt was hanging open and he wore one of those green hats that adorned so many heads. In each hand he held a cup containing a green liquid. He thrust one at Edward while chugging the other in a matter of seconds.
"Emmett! Why would you drink that? You know you'll just have to get rid of it later," Edward exclaimed, eyes wide with shock.
Emmett shrugged. "It's a tradition. I wanted to try it."
Edward stared at his brother. He looked at the green beer doubtfully and sniffed, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "How could you stand it? Honestly, it doesn't smell good. It must have tasted rather vile."
Emmett laughed, "It's not as bad as some of the moonshine I drank in my time. That stuff has such a strong kick it will knock you plumb into next week."
Edward chuckled. Emmett certainly had a unique way of stating things. Edward glanced back down at the cup in his hand and shook his head, handing it back to Emmett. "I'm not that curious."
Emmett took the cup from Edward and drank the contents in two big gulps. "What?" he asked, noticing Edward's frown.
"You mean other than you drinking that stuff? Well, that…" he pointed his finger to the great big green 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' painted on Emmett's exposed chest, "…will only invite trouble."
"Well, maybe I feel like a little trouble," Emmett smiled evilly. "Lighten up, Bro. We're here to have some fun." He turned and strode down the sidewalk. Edward hung his head in defeat and followed, determined to survive the day.
Edward and Emmett walked down Main Street, still waiting for the St. Patrick's Day Parade to commence when all of a sudden a pack of loud and slightly drunk (ok more like extremely drunk) sorority girls came charging over to them screaming wildly.
"You two would be perfect!" screamed one extremely loudly. "Come with us!" Drunk and bubbly was not a good combination. Without being able to give a response, the pack of girls pulled and pushed Edward and Emmett down three city blocks to where a stage was set up on the side. There was a large mob of drunken spectators screaming with anticipation.
"Um…what exactly would we be perfect for?" The girl's thoughts were too diluted by alcohol for Edward to be able to read clearly. Although, he had a sinking feeling in his gut.
"The Show Your Celtic Pride Contest, of course, you silly little cute thing." The girl was slurring her words and she started to wobble, but that didn't stop her from shamelessly trying to flirt with Edward.
"Oh no! There is no way I'm doing that." He put the brakes on and wouldn't budge. Edward was horrified because when he looked over at Emmett he had a huge smile on his face. "Emmett! What the heck do you think you are doing?"
"Oh come on Edward, lighten up. Besides, there is no way I am going to let these wanna-be's win this contest." Emmett eyed his competitors dubiously. They were all good looking, the typical tall, dark and handsome types; but of course, none had the perfection of a vampire.
"Emmett, first of all, they are going to know that you are not exactly normal."
"They're too drunk to know the difference, Edward."
"Fine, I'll give you that," Edward said as he stared at the unruly bunch of highly intoxicated women swooning all around them. "But you know Rose is going to kill you."
"Hey Edward, what happens on St. Patrick's Day stays on St. Patrick's Day."
"Isn't that supposed to be Vegas?"
"Well we aren't exactly in Vegas now are we, smart guy," Emmett retorted.
"She will find out."
"Not if you don't tell her."
"Fine, dig your own grave. But I am not going near this one."
The competition began and the contestants went up one by one. Edward looked on, appalled by the shamelessness that the contestants would stoop to in order to get a rise out of the crowd. Then it was Emmett's turn.
His intro music filled the air, "I'm Too Sexy."
Edward shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, looking like he was under immense strain. He would. He thought. He could imagine the spectacle Emmett was about to make of himself.
Emmett came out strutting like a fiend and the crowd erupted into pure chaos. The girls charged the stage screaming like Emmett was some kind of rock star. Edward just groaned because he knew this image would be forever burned into his memory.I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, what do you think about that…
Emmett ripped off the emerald green hat that adorned his head and whipped it into the crowd. A gigantic brawl ensued as the drunken girls fought tooth and nail for the discarded garment.I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…
Emmett whipped off his shirt and whirled it above his head and then threw that into the crowd as well. The crowd's reaction to the hat was nothing compared to that of the shirt. The security guards had to go in and start pulling girls out of the crowd. Ambulances were even called in to cart away the injured girls.I'm too sexy for my butt, too sexy for my butt…
"Oh, God, please no." Edward begged. He knew what was coming and desperately prayed it would be averted. Nope.
Standing with his back to the crowd and shaking his hips to the beat of the music, Emmett slowly pushed the right side of his jeans down to give the crowd a peek of what was underneath before pulling them back up. He glanced over his shoulder, smiling hugely as the crowd erupted. He repeated the move on the left side. To frantic screams, Emmett shimmied out of his jeans, leaving him in only his shamrock boxer shorts with "Kiss me I'm Irish" printed across his chest.
And I do my little turn on the catwalk…
I shake my little touche on the catwalk…
He strutted around the stage, stopping briefly to flex his muscles and wink flirtatiously at the judges. The girls started fainting; more ambulances came to take the fallen to the hospital.
And I'm too sexy for this song
The song finally ended and Emmett left the stage. The few remaining contestants appeared to complete silence from the crowd. And then the judging took place.
"We would like to announce the 2007 winner of the Show Your Celtic Pride Contest….Emmett Cullen!"
"Big surprise." Edward said rolling his eyes.
The crowd erupted into chaos once again as Emmett made his way back up on the stage, still solely in boxer shorts. The judges (all female, I might add) ran over and presented Emmett with his crown and sash. The remaining girls started rushing the stage and mobbed Emmett, trying with all their might to land a kiss. He was just soaking it up.
Eventually, after being mauled enough, Emmett discretely slipped away after shouting and pointing in the opposite direction, "Hey isn't that Justin Timberlake?"
Emmett met Edward at the back of the stage. "Are you proud of yourself?" Edward asked.
"Completely! Did you see? I completely blew the other losers out of the water. Ha!"
"You also gave coronaries to almost half of the poor women in the crowd."
"I don't see any of them complaining."
Edward shook his head. "Come on the parade should be starting soon." Edward and Emmett walked back towards Main Street. They stopped at the closest vender and bought Emmett a T-shirt and a pair of pants, leaving Emmett looking remarkably like a giant leprechaun.
They found a spot along the street just as the parade began. Edward looked Emmett over from head to toe and shook his head. "Rosalie is not the only one you will have to worry about when we get home. Alice will have a fit because not only did you lose your clothes, but you came back looking like the Jolly Green Giant."
"She'll get over it as soon as she realizes she has an excuse to go shopping." Emmett looked down. "And seriously, the Jolly Green Giant?"
Edward smirked with satisfaction. "Yes. Either that or the world's largest leprechaun."
"I'll give you a leprechaun." Emmett said threateningly, only to be met with roaring laughter from Edward.
Emmett turned back to face to the parade just when a float came by blaring the music to "Finnegan's Wake." Following the float was a Bagpiper's Brigade, twenty-five full-grown men walking down the street in traditional garb, bagpipes crying out into the air.
"I love the bagpipes!" Emmett said.
"I know Emmett," Edward said slightly perturbed.
"What do you mean 'I know'?" Emmett asked, mimicking Edward's voice perfectly.
"Remember your fourth wedding? The Scottish theme? You made Jasper, Carlisle, and I all dress in kilts! And what is worse is that it was windy that day!"
"Oh yeah!" Emmett laughed, a giant smile on his face, "That was the one wedding that Rosalie said I could have input."
"Thank God that will never happen again." Edward shook his head. Before Emmett could counter Edward's response, he felt twenty pairs of hands grabbing at him out of nowhere.
"What the…?" Emmett said wheeling around to find a large pack of drunken women staring up at him with lusty eyes, some of which were in the last pack of women that had accosted them.
"Emmett! We've been looking all over for you. We need you!" They screamed in unison. Emmett's face was instantly overrun with smugness.
There is not going to be any living with him after this. Edward thought to himself.
"What may I do for you ladies?" Emmett said trying extremely hard to sound debonair.
"Since you won the Celtic Pride contest, you are supposed to ride on our float…um…as part of your prize…um…yeah that's it!" said the blond girl who must have been the coordinator of the "Capture the Emmett" pack.
Their drunken thoughts whirled in Edward's mind, and none of them had anything to do with a prize and everything to do with groping Emmett. Edward groaned.
I hate teenage hormones! He thought.
Another high-pitched voice grabbed Edward's attention once again.
"There is plenty of room for your friend too," said a brunette whose thoughts were all about pinning Edward down in the back of the float and showing him her Celtic pride.
"No, thank you." Edward said, but he had gotten past the point of being surprised at the sight of Emmett allowing himself to be hauled off by the mob.
He's probably gay. What a shame. A hand full of girls sighed at the thought. Edward just glared at them, fully insulted.
Why does everyone think I am gay when I go out with Emmett? Do I look gay? He shook his head at the thought.
Emmett yelled out from his newfound place on the float, "Edward, I'll meet you at the end!"
As Edward walked down the road towards the end of the parade route, the pornographic thoughts of hundreds of women as they stared at Emmett up on the float kept bombarding him.
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him." Edward kept repeating to himself as he tried very hard to block out everyone's thoughts. Emmett's showing off wasn't exactly helping the situation. Without looking, Edward knew that Emmett was flexing his physique for the crowd. Girls were once again dropping like flies. Edward just rolled his eyes. "Never again."
Once the float came to a stop at the end of the parade route, Emmett jumped off and walked over to meet Edward.
"It's all about fun, my brother!" Emmett said in response to Edward's look.
"Do you even know the story behind this holiday?" Edward asked.
"Don't go all brainy on me now, Edward." Emmett said.
"Emmett…" Edward started, but Emmett took off like a shot down an abandoned alleyway towards the waterfront.
"Looks like the beer decided to make a reappearance." Edward shook his head and began to follow behind Emmett. Edward caught up with him down by the river. Edward laughed as he walked up behind Emmett. "Did you finally have to get rid of that beer?"
Emmett turned. His face was full of excitement. "What? Oh…no. Not yet….later." He turned back to the water. "Look! The water's green!"
"The water won't be the only thing green if you don't get rid of that beer soon." Edward warned, but Emmett only scowled at him. Edward smirked and continued, "The water is green because they dump dye in the river as part of the celebration. They say you can see the green patch of water as it travels through the Gulf, across the Atlantic and right to Ireland."
Emmett quickly stripped down to his boxers. "You shouldn't…" But Emmett was already in the water. "…do that," Edward finished to himself.
Edward heard Emmett laugh. "Do you EVER do anything without thinking it to death first?"
"I have a feeling you're going to wish you had thought about this a little," Edward replied smugly. As Emmett emerged from the water Edward couldn't contain himself any longer. He threw his head back and roared with laughter. Every inch of Emmett was stained a vivid shade of green.
Emmett looked down at himself and shrugged. Scooping up his clothes they began to walk to the car. By the time they reached it Emmett was dry. He dressed and then took a look at himself in the side mirror. What he saw startled him. His hair and face were the same shade of bright green. Edward was still laughing. "Bro, this is one thing that happened on St. Patrick's Day that isn't going to stay on St. Patrick's Day."
Emmett stood, his eyes widening in horror. "Rose!" Emmett frantically rubbed his arms with no effect.
Edward continued to chuckle, "There's a reason they call it dye. In this case, it means Rosalie is going to kill you." As Edward opened his door he added, "If you get any green in my car, I'll kill you and then you'll buy me a new one. Now get in."
As they neared home, Emmett's thoughts became more anxious. He was not looking forward to facing Rose. She would be angry. There was no doubt about that. "Pull over, Edward."
"What for?" Edward asked, confused. Emmett's thoughts had been consumed with Rosalie and gave no hint as to why they needed to pull over.
"Just do it. Now!"
Edward stopped on the shoulder and Emmett jumped out. As Emmett doubled over, Edward finally understood. Beer, Emmett's mind moaned. Edward laughed heartily as Emmett climbed back in the car and they continued home.
When they finally pulled up in front of the Cullen's home in Forks, Emmett didn't even need mind reading to be able to tell what Rosalie was thinking. Both Emmett and Edward could hear Rosalie yelling at the top of her lungs.
"I'm going to kill him! I swear the minute his butt gets home, he is dead!"
Emmett and Edward exchanged wide-eyed looks.
Crap! Emmett thought and Edward merely gave him a sympathetic look in response. There was no force on the Earth more intimidating than Rosalie when she was irate.
"We better get this over with." Edward said and began to walk towards the house. He turned around and Emmett was still planted in the same spot. His face held nothing but pure fear. Edward let out a sigh and walked back and started pushing Emmett towards the house.
Rosalie started screaming again. "Alice, I swear, those girls better hide in a deep dark hole somewhere and pray I never find them!" Alice had obviously filled Rosalie in on Emmett's adventures in Chicago.
Then Alice's voice was heard from inside. "Um, Rosalie. I should probably warn you about one more thing. Emmett is kind of …"
Just then Emmett and Edward walked through the front door.
"Green." Alice finished. Rosalie stood firmly rooted to the floor. Her mouth and eyes opened wide. Emmett winced and prepared for the onslaught of screaming, but there was nothing. Rosalie was frozen in place, completely speechless. There is always a first time for everything.
Alice ran over and pulled Emmett up the stairs before Rosalie could snap out of it. Esme was waiting in the bathroom with a few supplies. Emmett looked at his mom and then to the tub that was filled with some really bad smelling liquid.
"Get in Emmett." Esme rolled her eyes like she was used to this sort of thing from him.
"Huh?" Emmett said.
"Get in the tub, Emmett. The dye isn't going to come off unless we scrub you down with bleach."
"Come on, Esme, its really not that bad," Emmett tried.
"Get in, Emmett." Esme looked stone faced serious.
"No seriously…look! It's starting to fade already." Emmett desperately tried to lie.
"Emmett." Esme was putting her full authority behind her. She was "Mom," hear her roar.
"I promise I will never do anything like this again. Just don't make me get into the tub."
Esme's eyes narrowed and she placed her fists on her hips. "Emmett McCarty Cullen! I said get in that tub!"
"Aw…Fine!" Emmett groaned in defeat.
Once Emmett was submerged in the tub Esme took out the steel wool and began to scrub. All of a sudden, Emmett and Esme heard Rosalie wake up with a vengeance.
"He's DEAD!" she yelled, then came charging upstairs. She entered the bathroom in a whirlwind, but then once her eyes landed on Emmett sitting in the tub, still incredibly green, she stopped dead in her tracks once again. Emmett put on the most pathetic apologetic expression he could muster.
Rosalie opened her mouth to speak only to close it once again. She furrowed her borrow, unable to believe what her eyes were telling her. Then she simply turned back around shaking her head and shut the door behind her.
Two hours, sixteen pieces of steel wool, and ten bottles of bleach later Esme was finally done. She left Emmett to get cleaned up. Emmett took a shower and was toweling off when he went over to look in the mirror.
"Oh crap!" Emmett screamed. In an instant Edward, Jasper, and Alice were in the doorway, laughing.
"Emmett, it looks good on you." Jasper harassed.
"Dude, I look like Billy Idol!" Emmett yelled. The bleach had turned Emmett's hair white blond.
"Don't worry, Emmett. I can help you dye it back to normal." Alice said with an evil smile.
"Great!" Emmett's voice was thick with sarcasm. "Time for Guinea Pig Emmett." Emmett groaned, causing Edward and Jasper to bust up laughing. Edward, Jasper, and Alice turned and left, but half way down the hallway Emmett yelled, "Hey Edward, next year we're going to Dublin!"