Disclaimer: Spiral Suiri no Kizuna and all related characters belong to Kyou Shinodaira and Eita Mizuno. I only own the plotline and ask that you do not copy it.
Thank you for reading my story and I hope you enjoy it.
Dreams. They're not real. They are nothing more then a sequence of mental images in our minds that we experience as we sleep. They may appear real: revolving around real people, places and events, but they're not.
A lot of people may not remember their dreams. We have on average seven dreams every night. It's unlikely for anyone to remember details of even one of those dreams.
If you had asked me a few months ago what my dreams were about I wouldn't have been able to answer you. I didn't remember what they were, nor did I try to remember. I really didn't care what my dreams were about. Even if I did remember them I never thought anything of them. They were just dreams, there wasn't any reasoning behind them. Besides, I was too busy with school, a new part time job and keeping the house up to my sister-in-law's standards to be worrying about dreams.
However, now it's different. Where I once couldn't even remember the main theme of my dreams I now can't get them out of my mind. I can't block them out, can't stop them from forming. They always seem to be hanging right on the edge of my concentration, just waiting for the chance to spring into thought.
I know it's because the focus of my dreams has changed. The theme, the contents, the person or people that had been the focus before gradually changed. Whatever they had been about was of no interest to me to bother remembering. That or I didn't want to remember them. They were easily forgotten like most dreams are.
However, these dreams are different. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I think or do, I can't forget them. I can't ignore them, can't push them out of thought. Its that's because my dreams have been focused on something I couldn't just forget or ignore.
Or rather, focused on someone.
I know that dreams aren't real, that whatever happens in them will likely never happen in reality. They're only images our minds make up as we sleep. I know this.
So why is something so unreal affecting me this way? Why is something so unrealistic clouding my thoughts at random times in the day? Why do these dreams spring into thought whenever I see her, dimming my focus, overrunning my mind with thoughts and images?
The dreams started months ago. Slowly, gradually. I don't know why or how, I don't think I want to know. At first, I didn't give them much thought. They were just dreams after all and everyone is entitled to an…unusual dream every once and a while.
It's when they began to come with increased frequency that I started to pay attention to them, started to notice the affect they could and did have on me. I tried to just forget them, tried to ignore them as best as I could. But that's hard to do when the person I see everyday is the same one haunting my dreams. That one person who, by chance or fate, I met and couldn't get rid of even if I wanted to.
Why is it that my dreams are focused on her? Why is it that I see her face every time I close my eyes? I never thought about her like that, never did or said anything that could imply it. Nothing she ever did or said suggested it either. Nothing in her actions or behavior ever made me consider what these dreams involved.
Dreams aren't real, their nothing more then imaginary fantasies and ideas that come to mind as I sleep. I shouldn't even be able to remember most of them.
So why is it, over time, I could remember even the smallest detail of these dreams? I don't try to. In fact, I'd be happier if I could forget them. These dreams… At first they had been hazy, hard to remember. I knew there was something different about them, but I didn't pay attention to them. I didn't need to, didn't want to.
After a while though I could remember the dreams unnervingly well, whether I wanted too or not. The dreams where I realized I was dreaming, but couldn't wake up, were the ones that seemed the most clear.
Like the first dream I remembered clearly, one that repeats in a number of ways even now. It had started off as a replay of the aftermath of my match against Rio, when we were at the train station. At first, is seemed just like what I remembered. The murmur of people, the trains coming and going, and the sound of her voice as she talked trying to cheer me up.
But after a few minutes the dream changed. We weren't at the train station surrounded by people anymore but instead at a park, a deserted park where we were the only ones in sight.
And instead of me leaning on her shoulder like I had done at the train station I was lying on a bench, my head resting on her lap. She was running her fingers slowly through my hair, humming some soft tune under her breath. I realized almost immediately that it was a dream, though the knowledge didn't seem to help. Really, it just seemed to make it all the more real.
I tried to wake up. Almost as if she sensed me tying to leave, the dream Hiyono bent down, raising my head with her knees as she nuzzled against my neck, whispering in my ear. The imagined sensation of her breath against my skin made my whole body jolt and jerked me awake.
I was awake for a good hour, just lying in bed trying to forget what I had just dreamt. Even through the haze of sleep, I could feel a tingling sensation lingering under my skin. Almost like she really had been running her fingers through my hair, whispering in my ear.
Even as I tried to push it out of my sleepy mind, I realized something. Something I was positive about, even when half asleep. I felt sure that if I hadn't woke up the dream would have continued rather then changed. What it could have continued into though, I didn't let myself think about.
The knowledge however, hung in the back of my mind.
I want to say the dreams aren't affecting me, that I can just push them to the back of my mind and forget them. But I can't. There is no denying the dreams are starting to affect me. At first they were manageable. Sure I found the exact meaning behind them a little unsettling and they normally left me uncomfortable around her, but I could live.
It was when the dreams began to come with increased frequency that the real problem started. Just knowing I was dreaming about her every night made it difficult seeing her everyday. Although I do try my best to act just as I always have around her, it keeps getting harder as the dreams increase.
Especially when I started dreaming about us doing things I have no right to think about.
I didn't realize just how strong an impact they were starting to have on me until it was too late. I almost dread going to sleep now, because I know what's going to happen when I lose consciousness, when I finally fall asleep. No matter how the dream may start, no matter where it might take place, it will always end the same way.
In some way or another it always ends with us, together. Touching, tasting, exploring the other in every way possible. Every night it seems I'll wake up, sitting bolted in my bed after dreaming about her. The quiet dark is the only thing to greet me as I try to calm my racing heart, my face covered in sweat. My whole body well seem to tingle with heat. The sensations always linger, the thoughts of what they might really feel like always assault my tired mind. The thought of her fingers along my skin, of feeling of her breath against my face, hearing her voice ringing in my ears; any and all well make my heart race faster, well strengthen the heat prickling under my skin.
I know dreams aren't real.
But dear god do they feel real.
I hate the feeling they leave me with, the way they make the pit of my stomach sink when I see her and my pulse skip a beat when she gets close. I hate the way they make me wonder what her breath might really taste like, what her skin might feel like beneath my hands, what her hair would smell like if I buried my face in it, how her voice might really sound if she moaned my name, if her body would actually feel so warm against mine.
Maybe I don't want to go to sleep not only because of the dreams but because of the feelings it leaves me with. That burning heat that covers my body no matter how cold it might be, the sensation of my insides twisting around at the very thought of her, the feeling that I'm doing something wrong despite knowing there's nothing I can do about the dreams.
And maybe because deep inside my mind, so deep I won't even let myself know, I want to enjoy those dreams.
And maybe, someday, the real thing.
I don't want these dreams or that kind of relationship with Hiyono. But these dreams have forced on me a possibility that I don't want to consider. Being friends with her, protecting her the way I have been, that's good enough for me. And even if I wanted to, I'm not the kind of person she needs. I couldn't give her what she wants, what she desires. I couldn't be the kind of person she really deserves.
Even now I try to keep the thought of the dreams buried in my mind, keep the affects those dreams are having on me hidden. I don't think Hiyono has noticed anything different and if she has she's keeping it to herself.
But nothing can last forever, and well power is no exception. I know I can't fight for all eternity, not as the dreams increase their intensity. I know it's only a matter of time before I snap and do something I know I'll regret. Curtain things she does, like the way she may say something, smile, move; they bring the dreams to mind, they bring that burning heat I can't put out and it doesn't help that I'm in her presence. I know she doesn't do it on purpose, these are things she did long before the dreams were concerned.
Even though I'm one that normally gives up easily, I know I can't. Not with this. I have to stay in control, keep these dreams and feelings hidden. She'll be graduating soon, and it'll get harder to see each other after that.
So I'll keep fighting. I'll keep trying to bury the feelings and possibilities the dreams force in to my mind, keep fighting to keep them hidden. I don't want our friendship to be ruined, not by something like this. Maybe over time the dreams will leave. Maybe this is just a phase and they'll eventually disappear. If they well I hope it's soon. Even if they don't though, I think I can manage these dreams for a time.
After all, their just dreams, they're not real. They're nothing more then a sequence of mental images in my mind that I experience as I sleep. They may appear real: revolving around real people, places and events. But they're not.
And no matter how real they may seem, how real they may feel, they can never be reality.
12/28/07 Um, I don't know if people just don't like it, if its not good, if I made too many mistakes or what but only two people have reviewed it. I appreciate those reviews, I really do. But I still have to wonder, did I do something wrong? Is he out of character? Is something missing? Does it just, overall, suck? It has so many hits but so few reviews. I thought it was a little good but now I'm not so sure. . .
Please review. I really do want to know what you think. Even if it's just to tell me things I did wrong, I won't mind. At least I'll know what you thought. So, please, tell me what you think.