Author's Notes: For those people familiar with my following-the-series-fics, you'll understand this fic. The difference is that, as with the beginning of Is This Real? I tell from the point of views of the pilots. This won't last throughout the entire fic, but it helps in the beginning in order to tie their newly created pasts to the series. I call it an AU only because it is based on a past history written in the preceding fics. The prequels are, in order, (1) Is This Real? (2) The Way It Was (3) At Last
Category: AU, Gundam Wing, Yaoi
Pairings: will be 1x2, 3x4, 5+?
Warnings: none
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Complete Archive: www.fanfiction.net

As It Will Be (sequel to At Last)

Part 1

**Quatre's Journal**

I won't date this, there really isn't a reason to. I think mostly, it's my creativity that leads me to describe all of this. I could talk for hours about it, but I wouldn't want to bother my friends. Especially since the war and our missions are so very demanding. But I want to write it down, to be able to express myself to something that will listen, even if it is just a computer file. I'll have this, and someday, maybe I can share it.

I came to earth all alone, disobeying not only my father's wishes, but the very soul of my family. We are pascifists, or at least, they are. By taking part in this war, I can no loner include myself in that generalization, but I'll always be a pascifist at heart. At least, I hope I will. In truth, I suppose the main reason I came to earth wasn't because I wanted to fight in the war, although I did want to try and make a difference. No, I think it has always been my destiny to go to the earth. The Maguanacs would understand, since our fateful meeting, the earth has always been there, like the goal I must one day reach. And I did. I landed in the desert, near the place where my comrades were to meet me.

It was frightening, the atmosphere that surrounds this planet. Coming through it in a pod that was much less controllable than a shuttle was something that I doubt I'll ever forget. Not that I for even a moment regretted my decision, but the heat and fire was as awesome as I'd expected. Yes, I knew about it, I know all about the earth. I've been researching it for years, preparing for the day I would come down and see it with my own eyes. And it is breathtaking. Even when I was surrounded by nothing but pale brown sand, I saw the beauty of this world, the sky is so wide and bright. And the clouds...

But I won't go into that, I think Rashid finds it amusing that I'm so awed by the beauty of this planet, and I probably should be more...no. I don't know what it is about me that I should change, but rambling on, even in writing, about something like beauty isn't a useful way to spend what little time I have. Although, my gundam definitely looks different here than it did up in space.

Sandrock, my mobile suit, he was given to me by my doctor, and he has already shown how strong he is. While I may not fight with the same spirit as the Maguanacs, with his help, I won't have to fear being defeated. So I don't enjoy killing, even enemies. That isn't a secret, and I am *not* ashamed of offering an enemy the chance to surrender rather than killing unnecessarily. Death shouldn't be something that is taken for granted. It's such a waste, and I don't think I'll ever believe differently. Still, I know Audah was worried about me during that battle. It was my first battle, so his worries weren't uncalled for. But as a pilot, I do know how to use my suit. And a gundam is so much more powerful than any suit OZ has. No, he wasn't worried about my physical abilities. He's worried because, as I overheard him saying to Abdul, my heart isn't in the fight.

My heart. It isn't like other people's, I learned this when I first decided to come to earth and pilot the gundam. There's something different about it. I feel too deeply to put aside my emotions and simply kill those who are apposing me. I can't do that. Not that I can't kill them, but I can't do it without my heart hurting me. It's almost a physical pain, the way it clenches in my chest, but it really isn't as bad as one would think. Actually, it only lasted for a moment. When I killed the commander yesterday, I felt the pain for all of forty seconds...yes, I counted, I couldn't help but count. Still, I think I *like* feeling the pain, it tells me that even if I'm going to be hurting people, even if I kill them, I won't do so without feeling remorse. Pity. I can fight and still keep my compassion.

I wondered if the others felt sorry for the soldiers who died that day, but I know now that I shouldn't have asked. Rashid was nothing less than respectful when he said he would do whatever was necessary to ensure my safety and fight the war. But I know I put doubts into his mind. He already sees me as weak, as a person who shouldn't be fighting. He never said such a thing, but I'm sure he thinks it. Why else would he be so concerned when it was obvious that Sandrock hadn't been hurt during the battle? No, he wasn't worried about physical injuries, and that bothers me. They, the Maguanacs, they are fighting their own fight, they were fighting it before I came to earth. Rebels, they won't be cowed by OZ, or the Earth Sphere Alliance, and their people are backing them completely. Yet, now they speak not of the battles they plan to wage, but of what my next mission might entail.

They are planning to go with me. And it isn't because I am fighting the same enemy, no. I'm sure it's because they are worried that I won't be able to do it, they're worried that I will get hurt or fail, or something worse. And I know...they're also worried about what they would have to tell my father if anything happened to me. My father...he never wanted me to go, he *forbid* me to go. And I went anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons I went was to go against him, I have been fighting him since I was a child. There has always been something different about me, something that made me unlike his daughters, and I think he has never really known how to deal with me. Of course, I can't say I helped him much. When we're together, we just...don't seem to get along. And sometimes...he reminds me of someone, like there is something about him that gets under my skin. That doesn't make sense, I know, but maybe it's because he's my father. I don't know what families are normally like, but I hear children tend to choose a parent to be at odds with. And since he is my only parent, he is the one I fight with.

But this is all in the past now, I've disinherited myself. Maybe I would have been the heir to my father's fortune, would have inherited the title of Master Winner, but I don't think I'll ever regret this decision. The colony...it never really held me. I can't imagine living my life there, alone, in charge of such responsibility. At least on earth, I'm free in my anonymity. Although...the Maguanacs still call me Master Quatre. I guess, they always will.

I wonder, though, why they do that. Yes, it could be because of my father, because of my status as the sole male in the Winner family, aside from him, but...I don't think that's it. Rashid calls me Master Quatre, and he's done so since we met. The others, they may be following his lead. I don't know why. Yes, I realize they are showing me respect with the title, but I can't feel that I deserve it. I'm no better than them, as a fighter I probably am nothing compared to them, and as a person...I'm not strong enough to even be compared to them. I think Rashid would argue with that, but I won't tell him so he'll never get the chance. I'm not as unconfident as I was, but there are some things that don't change, even with time. And I don't think I'm strong enough to win this war on my own, I'm missing something. Without that, I won't win. Of course, I have the full support of the Maguanacs, and I'll never let anyone believe I'm not grateful, but...I don't want them to fight with me.

That doesn't make sense at all. I just said I couldn't win alone, and here I am whishing they weren't fighting with me. But it's true, I don't want them in danger, and I feel, in my heart...my space heart as I've come to call it...I feel that there is a danger coming. I just don't know if it is OZ or something else. All I know is that by fighting by my side the Maguanacs will be endangering themselves, and I don't want that. Even if it means I have to fight this war alone.

It's comforting, just knowing that there are people who agree with my beliefs about OZ, people who are on my side. That knowledge will suffice, their involvement...it isn't necessary. I just can't figure out a way to convince them of that. And if I try, I know...Rashid would yell at me. Yes, as calm as he is, he does have a temper the same as the rest of the Maguanacs, and for some reason, they seem to feel they're responsible for me. And they worry. I don't know how to change that, or if...if I *want* to change it...they're my friends, and friends worry about each other. I believe it should be that way.

* * *
TBC
--notes-
This is purposely short, and the next part will be as well. But fear not, this fic will have longer parts, and the journal style won't last too long. Anyway, this is the long-awaited final story in this series of mine. At least, I think it's final. Unless I end up writing an epilogue fic for it, don't know yet.