Bella's Catch of the Day
A/N: All characters are the creation and property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just have a great time embarrassing them.
Again, I'm sending a huge thanks to ECABS, MarcyJ, LindaRoo and Wendi. They influence me, beta read and give me ideas. Special thanks to MarcyJ—she was the sole beta for this chapter, so it's her fault if it sucks. I could not do this without them for many reasons. I love you gals! I also need to state that any similarities between our stories are intentional and used with permission.
Also, you can thank Wendi for all things orange and thank MarcyJ and Wendi for what happens to Edward—it was their twisted idea—I just wrote it!
Many items of humor are also directly from endless hours on The Twilight Lexicon. Conversations and theories that seem to be popular belief may be woven into my work. No infringement or plagiarism is intended. Any unstated similarities are completely coincidental.
My predicament was one of the worst possible to endure in the midst of your boyfriend's presence. My heart was fluttering out of control, my breath was caught deep in my throat, and my cheeks felt as if they were ready to sizzle right off my face. Edward's body was close and cool, and Alice's stare was burrowing right through me. All I could think about was how my hand could grain freedom from the current sticky situation.
I chanced a look-see and could not help but notice Edward's immense beauty. In comparison, Emmett's build was large and bulky—and of course attractive—yet, Edward's physique was exceptionally lean and cut. His chest exhibited perfect bulging pectorals, his collarbone protruded prominently, and his stomach muscles rippled sinfully over his impeccably smooth splendor. I even noticed the small—and amazingly attractive—trail of fine bronze hair that sprouted just below his belly button. My unmistakable admiration betrayed me when Alice's abrupt laughter forced me to come to my senses.
"You better be careful, Edward." Alice snorted. "She may die from exposure."
Edward shot a quick glace at Alice and muttered something blazingly fast—in which I thought I caught the word 'bamboozle'—then he turned his attention back to me and my uncontrollable reflexes.
"Bella…" Edward stated as his velvet voice strained. "Bella, stop tugging your hand. You are accomplishing nothing but a vexatious draft."
I looked up, awe-struck, to meet his eyes. Then, I finally noticed the jeopardizing movements my hand was compulsively creating by pulling back and forth while attempting to break free from the humiliating position. I couldn't seem to stop, even though my brain comprehended the words that flowed from Edward's mouth, my reflexes misbehaved and continued to pull repetitively. My eyes were hypnotized by his chiseled abs and I subtlety noticed small whiffs of wind wafting across my wriggling hand. Finally, Edward placed his hand over my yanking one and pressed it securely to his body. My weak muscles still feebly strained against his super-human strength—like a hurricane trying to uproot the world's largest tree.
"Bella," he tittered, "stop moving your hand, it's not very lady-like of you, you know."
"What…" I blurted, stupefied.
Edward cupped my ruddy face with his free hand, pulled me close and directed his sweet breath toward me as he spoke. "Relax Bella," his voice resonated with serenity only learned from centuries of practice, "I'll remove your inelegant hand from its unlady-like locale."
His breath wafted over me creating a calming wave within my body. My mind seemed to relax and compile the embarrassing escapade at hand. It was honestly just a cataclysmic accident that my hand—on the odd chance—happened to land on the one and only clothed part of his body. I closed my eyes and surrendered to the calm that was creeping throughout me; and then, I felt his glorious sweet icy-cool lips crash into mine. He kissed me feverously until the kiss-invoked whirling dizzy spell started to make me sway.
"There, all better." He teased.
I lost myself to his gaze and a rush of wariness overtook my body. The next thing I realized, I was sprawled on the floor waking up to Alice's frost-bound hands smacking my stinging cheeks. My eyes fluttered open as I tried my damndest to remember how I ended up lying flat on the floor of Edward's room. I raised my hand with the intent to remove a harassing hair from my face only to discover some black spandex firmly attached to and dangling from my hand. I stared disoriented at the dark decoration.
Then, my eyes grew huge as I gawked and realized that it was Edward's swimsuit clinging to the palm of my hand. I glanced at Alice with a frightened look, then back to my hand. I went to speak but my mouth firmly refused to work—a condition only invoked by a clothes-less vampire now nowhere to be seen. I suddenly summoned up what recently transpired and endured yet another blazing hot blush of my cheeks. The embarrassing exotic escapade was real, and, if I was here sprawled on the floor with Alice cheek-smack happy and laughing above me, and Edward's only previous article of clothing was glued to my hand then where was Edward, and—more importantly—what was he wearing?
I looked around the room, eyes darting about, in a desperate attempt to find Edward's tricky treasure trove of a hiding spot. My curiosity was piqued. I made out faint shuffling sounds radiating from his closed closet door and whipped my head around to investigate. Alice answered by laughing uproariously.
"Edward?" I questioned as I gaped at the door of his closet.
"Yes, Bella." I heard his now angry voice bellow from behind the closed door.
I turned to peer at Alice with an obviously confused expression written across my face. "Why is he in the closet?"
Alice's smile stretched from ear to ear with glee and she tried to speak. "I don't know why he can't come out of the closet."
"Not…funny…Alice." Edward's voice shook with fury. I suppressed a small smile as comprehension dawned and my brain remembered how to add two plus two.
"Oh!" I muttered and then held up my hand in a motion to Alice that I was holding his only article of clothing.
"You found yourself a smart one there Edward." Alice chided jokingly.
I arched an eyebrow at Alice as she offered me her hand to yank me off the floor.
"What's even better…" Alice's snide voice dripped full of playful vengeance "is that he didn't even catch you before he bolted."
"Alice!" Edward yelled, causing the closet door to rattle. "I just found the ancient artifact you graciously left for me to wear. I will not wear a small piece of Emmett's old Indian costume!"
"Well it's either Emmett's old loin cloth, or just your loins." Alice replied while suppressing her chuckle.
"A-L-I-C-E!" Edward snarled.
Alice's out stretched hand was gently holding mine as she helped me rise to my feet. As I stood, comprehension dawned in my befuddled mind and I shamefully noticed my face ignite in a swirling display of crimson cheeks. I needed to hear it to believe, so I asked.
"Edward?" I questioned carefully. "Why don't you just put on something and come out of the closet?"
Alice threw out a small cackle and released my hand. "He—ummm—doesn't really have many selections in the clothing department."
"Wh…What?" I babbled incoherently.
My head whipped around at the vibrating closet door reverberating Edward's furious voice. "Because Alice somehow removed all my clothing from the closet." I heard a long, frustrated sigh billow through the door. "Alice! Stop thinking of Jasper and you in the flesh!"
I couldn't suppress the amusement any longer, the scene proved too entertaining to stifle my laughter. I let it flow until it filled his room and Alice helplessly joined along. When I finally found my lungs again, I inhaled a deep breath and turned to face Alice.
"How did you get all his clothing out? I mean, one of us were present in the room at all times and his clothes were securely in the closet before I ran off to talk to Esme."
"Well," Alice chided, "he instigated his own demise by changing in the bathroom. Maybe he was timid and too afraid you'd walk in on him?"
I snorted. "Like he couldn't just zoom his little black suit on in a millionth of a second, I would have caught nothing."
Alice glanced at me bemused and grabbed my hand with the little black suit draping off my palm. "Well, you clearly caught something, and too bad, you didn't even get a look-see."
"Alice…" Edward's annoyed voice rang from his temporary prison. "I am not coming out of here until you bring me something reasonable to wear."
"Define reasonable." Alice mocked.
His voice flowed with controlled calmness. "Alice, do I need to acquaint Bella with your frightful fashion fad of spiked hair and punk…"
"Fine, fine, fine," Alice interjected to cease Edward's deliverance of the tale and flew to the door, "like I don't already know the outcome." She whispered, winked and then gallivanted into the hallway.
With Alice gone, the situation suddenly became awkward to me. I was standing in Edward's room, his skimpy satin black swimsuit glued to my palm and he somehow ended up seeking cover in his closet like a fish stranded out of water. I sniffed in a measly attempt suppress the increasing urge to giggle uncontrollably. It wasn't everyday that Edward was in such a powerless position—like an ice cube trapped in a Dutch oven. I started an attempt to yank the suit free from my hand and discovered the glue was wonderfully bonded to my skin—no wonder Esme advised me to be careful.
Alice bounded back into Edward's room with a shiny satin tangerine-orange undergarment crumpled in her tiny hands. I leered at her in confusion as she went to the closet door and then the tangerine wad disappeared like she had mastered a Houdini parlor trick. I huffed, vampires and their keen sense of speed meant utterly unfair odds for the human.
"Come on Bella, let's leave the leafless man in the closet, he'll come out when he's ready." Alice grabbed my hand and started to tug me through the door.
I suddenly felt—more like knew—that my time had come. Alice pulled me at a slow human speed down the flight of stairs to her and Jasper's room as my stomach started to dance like a troop of butterflies took up residence and chose this very moment to perform. The sensation felt awful. I could only think about what Alice's outfitting plans were for me. I conjured up wild and crazy visions of her forcing me to wear something equivalent to that of a Vegas show girl. I realized that I would be the only dull, dreary human amongst the unnatural beauty of the vampire tribe—no need to be self-conscious in that situation. The horrid thoughts washed away from my perplexed mind as we entered her room—or should I say we entered Le Alice boutique.
"Alice, what did you do?" I questioned breathlessly.
Alice turned around to proudly smile at me. "I went shopping for you, of course."
"Shopping." I scoffed. "Shopping as in you bought me an entire swimsuit line up?"
"Neither you or Edward would come with me so I had to improvise. Besides, I wanted to dress you up a little." Alice pointed to the assortment of not-so-covering swim suits—all in varying shades of blue—sprawled across her bed. "Go look and tell me which one you want to wear."
I sniffed, too embarrassed to even think about gracing the Cullen back yard in a two piece suit—or a one piece for that matter. "I'll take the floor length one." I spat as I crossed my arms sending the spandex on my hand zipping in front of me.
"Bella," Alice chimed in a soothing melodic voice, "you will look beautiful in any of these. I got all the right sizes and they are all specifically made to flatter your body type."
"You mean, they make them for the mushy human body type? Great." I stated with sarcasm.
Alice's eyes narrowed as she stared at me. "Bella, go pick out the one you like and I'll go grab some stuff to get Edward's swimsuit off your hand." Her expression loosened to a giddy smile as she pivoted and darted out of her room.
Lovely. I thought to myself and meandered around the room browsing the selection of swimwear. Everything was obviously of high taste showing off sparkling clasps and buckles or gleaming fabrics that would normally adorn a fancy gown. Alice had chosen all two-piece suits—my heart started to flip flop at the thought—with exquisite cuts and adornments. I lifted up one navy blue suit that sported ties at both hips and flaunted diamond-like micro gems across the front. I laughed. Tie-on suits and me would not get along well, it held too many opportunities for inadvertent human exposure.
I continued to browse the large selection and occasionally picked one up to inspect it. Every single one held some exoticness to it. All I really desired was one that would cover as much of my albino human skin as possible and, more importantly, one that would stay on in case of some water-based-slipping fiasco. I then noticed a subtle cyan blue suit that seemed to fit the need. The color was amazing and vibrant while the straps were embroidered with dainty silver-thread flowers. The suit buckled behind the back and didn't have an annoying tie to irritate my neck. The bottom was simple and more covering than some of the others and displayed an intricate silver flower design on the left side. It was as close to perfect as I was going to get.
Alice zipped back into her room holding a large can of some 'spirits', grabbed my free hand, and tugged me to her bathroom. She opened the large can, causing the fumes to waft into the air with a dizzying reaction. I unwillingly held out my hand and Alice placed it in her sink and preceded to soak the black suit and my skin with whatever chemical creation she had. The contents of it caused my skin to burn and tingle and I wanted to wash my hands more than ever.
"It burns Alice." I whined softly.
"I know, Bella…I'm sorry, it won't take long." She picked and pulled at the fabric next to my skin. "Consider it practice?" She added questioningly.
"Yeah, practice." I muttered and rolled my eyes at her. "Remind me to buy this by the barrel and soak in it as prep work for my 'big day'." I sighed. "Like that day will ever really come."
"It will, but it's entirely up to you for the timing." Alice smiled and continued to scrape and pull—what seemed like my skin more so than fabric—until Edward's swimsuit was completely off. I looked at my hand and yelped.
"Alice, Edward is going to kill you!" I stood staring at what was now a red mass of gritty glue flakes, extra red, swollen patches of skin and a couple of sick looking areas where the skin had been pulled right off.
"I didn't draw blood, he'll get over—and besides, he's probably still dreaming of your hand in the cookie jar." She snickered at her attempt to distract my mind from the throbbing red blob that was my hand. "Here," Alice stated and handed me the swimsuit, "get dressed and come out when you are ready."
"Thanks." I mumbled as I took the suit and shut the door. My stomach quivered with anxiety again at the thought of wearing this thing around the perfection that was the Cullen's. I found relief in the fact that I would at least have the opportunity to enjoy Edward in all his beauty.
I dressed quickly, not wanting to seem too humanly slow, and took a glance at my reflection in Alice's mirror. Alice, no doubt, had impeccable taste in clothes. The blue and silver suit fit like a charm and accented every curve my soft human body sported. I could not help but admire how cute I actually looked. I smiled at my reflection, opened the door and jaunted into Alice's room. The sight of her was breathtaking.
"Wow, Alice, you look amazing." I stated as I admired the beauty of her pale, pixie-like body adorned in a leopard print two-piece suit in dark black and bronze colors. The contrast was amazing compared to her pale, glowing skin.
"You look beyond beautiful yourself." She complimented as she smiled affectionately. "Its so fun to have a sister to shop for and dress up."
I couldn't help but smile. Alice was the closest I've ever come to having a sister in my life. She cared for me in every aspect, and without her I would not be standing here in anticipation to see my Edward.
"Thank you for doing this, Alice, I do appreciate it." I mumbled.
"Don't worry," Alice smirked, "Edward will enjoy it more." She held out her hand to me, gesturing to take it, I took her hand in mine and she led me to the door and up the stairs heading to Edward's room.
"Edward…" Alice called melodically. "Come out, come out wherever you are."
I shook with suppressed laughter at her mocking of Edward in his prior situation. I still did not fully understand why I ended up flat on the floor while he ended up in the closet. One would think with vampire speed on his side, he could have caught me and kept his suit on. I would be definitely asking him to explain that later. I heard Edward's door shut and turned to look. I noticed he was now wearing a tangerine orange suit, which, even with the horrible retro orange flair, made his body immensely appealing. His face was borderline somber when he first saw Alice; then, once she pushed me in front of her, his eyes lit up like topaz fires and his lips formed the crooked smile I always loved.
"You look amazing, Bella." He babbled as he walked to me, hands outstretched and searching for mine. I caught his eyes drift to my injured hand and then back to Alice. I smiled to distract him from the minor injury and gladly placed my hands in his. He surprised me and swiftly pulled me into his arms and found my lips greedily. His kiss was soft and tantalizing at first, his hands started to wander to the exposed skin of my back causing shivers to flutter up my spine. I kissed him back intently, enjoying my warm lips against his soft and cool ones. Suddenly, our kiss was dramatically interrupted by a loud whooshing—more like exploding—sound that came from the vicinity of the back yard. I glanced at Edward in confusion only to see his face had turned hard with distaste or anger and he was staring intently down the stairs.
I turned to see what was causing the sudden dramatic change in Edward's mood and saw Rosalie—looking stunning in her red, strapless bikini—glaring at him with an amused grin hinted across her lips.
"Well, my my…" She spoke smooth and elegant. "I thought that old thing died in the seventies." She mocked and gestured at the tangerine suit clinging to Edward's body.
"Rosalie…" Edward muttered in a borderline growl.
Rosalie grinned and stared at Edward with narrowed eyes and started to hum some odd song I'd never heard before. When she stopped humming the odd Latin-like song she glared at Edward and mocking quoted.
"Please get me a towel…Mr. Tangerine Speedo."
A/N: Wondering where I got Tangerine Speedo? Thank Wendi for informing me of this song!
Mr. Tangerine Speedo song: Search for it on YouTube