Disclaimer: -insert standard disclaimer-
Warnings: slightly CRACK and vulgar words
FACTS ON FEMINISM
Written by purpleblush017
Everyone knows Uchiha Sasuke is a genius.
He is analytical.
He, Uchiha Sasuke himself sought to that. He is the best in their class, highest in their batch and possibly better than the previous ones. He passed exams and logical problems with outstanding marks. Iruka, their teacher even checked his paper with the use of different colored pen, making him literally pass with flying colors.
And when he graduated in the Academy, he maintained his "genius streak". In missions, he would be the first one to solve the mind-bubbling twists and traps and the answers to "why" their enemy laid their plans to kill the person he ought to protect.
Yep, it was final, Uchiha Sasuke is a genius. One in a million, they would often say.
Not until he met Haruno Sakura.
You see, Sasuke based everything on facts. Facts are proof, he said. It was the truth. And he believed on those facts. Because, if it weren't for it, he wouldn't have any of those high praises, successful mission and that unlimited supply of eminent marks. Thus, everything he believed in revolved around these facts. For him, it was the Universal Law.
But when Haruno Sakura entered his life, his belief started molting into pieces right before his very eyes.
And this is how they met.
Fact no. 01: women are supposed to be beautiful, much less, breath-taking
Not ever had Sasuke done this before, and he never imagined he would ever do this in his entire life. But, the Hokage just had to make (threatened) him do it. She explained to him why she chose him over the others. She said he qualifies for the job for he is actually the heartthrob women are dying for. And because of that, he will make a very good judge. He knows what a real woman is. And therefore, his jurisdiction means a lot.
D-rank mission: judge the first screening of women in the Miss Konoha pageant.
Sasuke cursed every dog in alphabetical order. And the girls who came to show off in his presence crumpled in fear.
"Participant number 59." He stated through the microphone. He was in a room where he can interview the participant one-on-one while the others wait in the lobby.
"That's ME! That's ME!"
And the door cracked open. She stood in front of him and smiled. His glare didn't make her uncomfortable.
"Ohayo! My name is Ha-ru-no-Sa-ku-ra!" she happily introduced herself as her long pink hair swayed with her every movement. Her smile, very bright, so bright that it must have blinded his eyes. And then, she started rambling, to which in Sasuke's ears sounded like "Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah."
Uchiha Sasuke raised his eyebrow. Is her hair naturally pink? Must be dyed. He eyed her as he checked her and her movements. There was a frown forming on his face. He closed his eyes for a moment and re-opened them again. There was something eerie about this woman. She was just… too damn happy.
"Blah. Blah. Blah."
Happy. Which is the opposite of him.
He cleared his throat to get her attention but failed. She continued telling her stupid sob story about her life. Not liking being ignored, he glared at her.
She stopped, finally noticing the deadly glare he was throwing at her. Sakura's pink eyebrows knitted together. "Why are you staring at me? Is there something on my face?"
"Hn. You can go now, you don't fit in." he stated. Talk about straight-forward and blunt!
"WHAAATT? Dare give me an explanation, mister!" she yelled.
He pointed at her. "You have green eyes, which two thirds of the Konoha women have. You have a large, glowing forehead—"
"HEY!" said forehead glowed in embarrassment.
"—you're nose is too small, you have puffy eyes and your hands looks unproportional. And your hair color is weird."
Sakura glared at him. "How dare you!"
He smirked; it was fun toying with her. "You lack the two things you need to qualify in this pageant, missy."
"Yeah? And what is that?" she asked bitterly, crossing her arms above her chest.
Sasuke went beside her and put his palm face down on the level of his chest. "One, height. You're small. Too small. Your growth hormones must've given up on you."
Her veins started twitching. "You! Who do you think you are to insult my height! Just because you're taller than me doesn't mean you can take down the smaller ones!"
Sasuke looked down on her. "Two, figure. You're not sexy. Your chest is too small and your ass as well." Which is very pretty by the way. Just my taste. He stated nonchalantly, hiding a blush. Did he just check her out?
Her knuckles were cracking, ready to send the guy beside her a free trip to outer space.
"To put it in short—you're—ugly."
You just don't like to admit the truth.
Ohh. You're going down! "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" she growled.
"You heard me. You don't fit in. Now, scram."
Her fist was supposed to land on his handsome face. But unfortunately, his reflex motion kicked in and he swiftly caught her hand. Trying again, she tried to punch him square in the face with her other hand which was easily caught.
"UGH! Let me go so I can punch you! I'll rip your head off and sell it on e-bay!!" he roared, prying herself free from his grasp. Her skin, so soft, so tender. There was a tingling sensation, down in Sasuke's middle -ehem-. Curse puberty!
"Hn. Go home and drink your milk pinky." he said hoarsely, "Shit. Stop wiggling!" No, wiggle more! Yeaaaaahhh. The feel of a woman's skin, her body against him, was driving him insane. And there was something tightening, down there.
"Argh! Stop insulting me!"
Sasuke smirked. "It's not an insult. I'm just stating the truth."
"ROT IN HELL!"
Damn, her cleavage is showing.
"Go home, shorty."
Don't look! Don't look! Pretend you don't care.
"EAT SHIT YOU ASSHOLE!"
"You have a pretty cute choice of words there, lady."
Nice boobs... and ass.
"Are YOU mocking me, HUH, chicken haired tall man?"
Damn, so... soft.
"No. Now be a good girl and go home, ugly."
Yes, lie. Lie.
"ARGH! I'VE HAD IT!" she yelled as she bent down and implanted her tooth on his skin. Sasuke jerked his hand away from her, making her free.
He glared at her. "Shit!" he hissed. "Woman!" Distraction.
Sakura stomped her feet and clenched her fists. "MARK MY WORD YOU 'EGO-MANIAC-SELF-CONCEITED-WOMAN-INSULTING-CHICKEN-HAIRED-MAN'! THIS WON'T BE THE LAST TIME YOU WILL SEE ME! I SWEAR TO SATAN I WILL MAKE YOU TAKE BACK THOSE INSULTS YOU SAID ABOUT ME! YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO INSULT ME! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE HUH PUNK? BULLYING A GIRL? I BET YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M PRETTY—"
Sasuke snorted at this. Maybe, was too busy looking at her heaving chest, up and down. Her blouse seemed to be missing a button or two. Damn hormones! He cursed under his breath.
She stomped again. "ARGH! I HATE YOU! MARK THIS DAY! I WILL BRING YOU DOWN! YOU HEAR ME? I. WILL. BRING. YOU. DOWN! YOU WILL BOW DOWN TO ME ONE DAY! I WILL BE THE ONE PERSON YOU WILL OBEY!"
"Like that'll ever happen." He stated, massaging his aching hand. He was starting to think that she was cute, but she had to go bite his flesh like some sort of dog. Heh, cute my ass.
"DIE YOU SHITHEAD!" she screamed in frustration, stomping away.
He seemed to be looking at her small ass. And those legs, short yet temptingly smooth to caress.
Haruno Sakura gritted her teeth as she walked outside the lobby. That despicable man! How dare he? How dare he? How dare he make a fun of me? This will be the last time I'm entering a beauty contest EVER! Who cares about the bet with Ino-pig? Argh! I do! But hell, I bet she won't even make it with that chicken-haired lunatic running the screenings. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"I WILL KILL YOU—!" she stopped. What was his name again?
As Sasuke Uchiha eyed the red imprint on his hand, courtesy of some crazy woman, he made a clear understanding that there are still—ugly (liar! You were totally checking her out!) women who are barbarians living and breathing in this lifetime. Really, who knew?
But maybe, this might be the start of something towards... love.
Ugh. This D-rank mission sucks.
Fact no. 01: women are supposed to be beautiful, much less, breath-taking
Meet Haruno Sakura! A woman who is too short, too ugly, chest is too damn flat, in short—too ugly! YEY!
Sakura blushes and started sulking. "WHY'D YOU HAVE TO RUB IT IN??"