Disclaimer: -insert standard disclaimer-
Warnings: slightly CRACK and vulgar words
FACTS ON FEMINISM
Written by purpleblush017
Another unusual morning.
Uchiha Sasuke was doing some grocery shopping. Well, if he wanted to live longer, he'll have to eat. Since the food his house-mate prepared was un-edible for his stomach, he'll have to feed himself. It's not his time to die yet. He still has to kill his nut-cased excuse for a brother. Anyhow, Grocery shopping is still grocery shopping.
And men don't do that.
Uchiha Sasuke doesn't do that. And yet, the instinct to live kicks in, hard. Especially with that pink-haired woman around. He can't eat what Haruno Sakura cooked. He can't and will not eat poison. Thus, he's doing some grocery shopping.
And that's something you don't see everyday.
"Sasuke-teme!" a grinning orange-wearing fat Naruto appeared from nowhere, stretching his hands, preparing himself to glomp, hug or maybe snuggle Konoha's heart throb—Uchiha Sasuke.
Sasuke's eyebrows twitched as soon as he saw the sight. There were red flying hearts all over the blonde idiot. Not a good sign. Not a good sign! He's hanging out with Lee and Gai-sensei too much. With the use of his Sharingan, he easily took one step to evade Naruto's public indecency. And the fox-vessel hugged the cold cemented floor. Sasuke smirked. He has to remember to thank the Gods for blessing him with the Sharingan.
Sasuke looked down at him in disgust, "Pathetic."
Naruto groaned as he sat up, rubbing his face, "Geez, couldn't you at least try to do something else than be an asshole?"
Naruto stood up, grinning again like a crazy fool. No pain, no gain. "Training's cancelled, Teme. Kakashi-sensei said he's getting laid today so he can't make it. He said something about foursome."
Sasuke's cheeks were tainted pink. "That useless sensei." Damn, he's so lucky. Getting laid and all that stuff—
"Eeeew! Teme! Get those dirty thoughts out of your system!"
Onyx eyes slightly shrank, his face becoming redder. Holy shit! I wonder how big—
"Don't go there! Don't think of those kinds of things! Cause it might manifest on my Sakura-chan!"
Why would I hit on her?
"Because Sakura-chan's living with you! You might snap and do it with her because I know you're secretly subscribed at Ero-sennin's books—all of it!"
The hell! How did he know that!? Wait—he can read my mind?
It is an unusual day indeed.
Fact no. 05: women are supposed to be mature
The door bell rang.
Ding, Ding, Ding Dong!
Ding, Ding, DING—
"Oi! Stop shoving the damn button, Naruto!" a high-pitched voice lectured. "Sasuke-kun doesn't like his house being tainted with 'Naruto-germs'!"
There was an unusual retort and a stomp of feet. "That Sasuke-bastard won't die because of germs alone, Ino! Besides, bastards die hard, you know. They tend to live for a long, long, long blasted life! I tried a couple of times, so you have to believe me!"
What the hell was that noise? Who dare disturb his beauty rest? Awakening from a beautiful slumber might clog up his pores. Oh, how dreadful.
DING, DING, DING DONG!
"Naruto! STOP that!"
"I can't! Do you want to break in to get inside?"
"Ugh, if Sasuke-kun appears, he'll—"
"I'LL KILL YOU!" Sasuke hissed. His raven hair all messed up and his eyes darker and deadlier than his usual killer eyes. His upper torso was naked—which caused Ino to squeak with joy—and he was only wearing boxers—which caused Ino to faint from the heavenly sight.
Naruto and Sasuke looked over Ino's body on the ground. Naruto shrugged. "Just leave her there. What good will it do if we have Ino around?" this caused Sasuke smirk for a second before strangling Naruto.
"You stupid dope! Life without you will do well for me!" Sasuke's grip tightened around Naruto's neck before—
"AH!! Uchiha! Let GO of Naruto!" Haruno Sakura appeared in front of them, holding a bag of groceries. "Ugh! LET GO OF HIM! Uchiha!" Sasuke won't budge; Naruto was starting to look blue and purplish. "I swear, Uchiha Sasuke, if you don't let Naruto go, I SWEAR! I'll COOK breakfast, lunch and dinner for the REST OF YOUR FREAKIN' LIFE!"
"And if I have to shove it down your throat every single day, I WILL!"
Yes, baby, fear her cooking!
Naruto felt his lungs work properly as soon as Sasuke's grip on his neck loosened. Wow, what a cool threat! Who would have thought that the great, high and mighty Uchiha Sasuke would be afraid of EATING Haruno Sakura's dish? Really, who knew? Naruto snickered. He wondered if he could ask Sakura-chan to allow him to use that threat on Sasuke-bastard.
Naruto have to remember today's lesson: never mess with a cranky Uchiha Sasuke.
Sakura shot Sasuke another suspicious glare after seeing Ino on the floor with a seemingly happy smile. Sasuke cursed as he went back inside his manor. Sakura looked at Naruto. "You're lucky I came! What did you do to him that made him want to strangle you to death?"
The blonde fox demon shivered. "I didn't do anything, I promise Sakura-chan! You know teme, he's grouchy all the time." He supported Ino's left side while the other lay on Sakura's support. He heard her sigh.
"Just, don't do that again. Sasuke scared me back there." She uttered as they entered the Uchiha mansion. They lay Ino's body on the dark blue couch on the living room together with Naruto while she gathered her grocery and rushed to the kitchen. Sasuke looked like he's really going to kill him!
She went through her grocery bag—which consists of canned goods and instant food—and put them neatly on the refrigerator. After closing the refrigerator's door, Sasuke appeared in front of her. He must have cooled himself down judging by his body draped with water. He smelled so good.
He looked at her with utmost hatred. "What are they doing here?" he spat out.
Sakura fidgeted, obviously intimidated by his presence. His scowl was deeper than his regular scowl. She wondered if something's happened with him. Maybe, just maybe, she can help him out. "Uchiha, are you feeling—"
"What are they doing here?" he repeated.
Too much for helping him out, Sakura decided that since he's being a jerk, why not be a jerk towards him herself? "They're here because I asked them too. Why? You got a problem with that?" she raised a pink brow at him.
"I do have a problem with that, pink midget. This is MY house. You can't just go running around inviting people inside MY house." He stated as-a-matter-of-a-fact. His knitted eyebrows and his deep scowl proved how serious he was.
Sakura smiled. "I'll cook dinner if you'll send them away."
Sasuke was about to say something really nasty at her but he stopped and didn't put through with it. He cursed under his breath and went upstairs to his room to change his clothes. Sakura wasn't that thrilled at the new found power she has over the said Uchiha but was rather distraught as to why he was acting that way.
As she went back to the living room to check on Ino, she saw her sitting erectly looking very pleased with herself. "I just saw heaven." She keeps on muttering and smiling. "Is he dressed yet?" Ino asked.
"I'm afraid so." Sakura answered as he took a seat across them. "Honestly, Ino, what do you see in him? He's just the biggest jerk who ever walked in this planet!"
"I agree!" Naruto injected.
Ino slapped Naruto's back hard that he chocked. "What do you know about greatness and handsomeness, huh, you moron?"
Sakura smiled, regaining her cheerfulness. "What do you want for dinner? Chinese? Sushi? Rice perhaps? I'll cook!"
Naruto and Ino looked at her, horrified. "NO!" they said instantly in unison. "Thanks though Sakura."
The pink-headed kunoichi eyed them. "We'll order take-out, then."
"Really, Sakura-forehead. No thanks. Remember last time? I puked all over your house." Ino cringed at the memory.
"Me too, Sakura-chan. If we're doing this, I'll have to make a room for ramen to drown the thoughts away." Naruto second-motioned.
"Psst!" Ino called her attention. "Can Sasuke-kun come and join us?" she blushed. "You know, just to have fun." Sakura decided that Ino was on her way to becoming an obsess fan girl. "Pretty, pretty, pretty please?" Ino pouted.
"Fine." Sakura stood up and headed towards Sasuke's room.
After fifteen minutes of threatening Sasuke with her "cooked foods" and reasonable explanations like: "Naruto's going to destroy your living room if you don't keep an eye on him." Sasuke finally agreed to join the three of them in the living room.
Naruto and Ino sat on the blue couch while Sakura and Sasuke sat on a chair beside one another. There was a table in the middle. The lights were turned off and the only light they had was the candle on the table. Sasuke grunted. What were they doing? Playing?
"Oh, Sasuke-kun," Ino called his attention. "We do this ghost story telling every month when we have the time. It's just for fun. We like to scare each other. We've been doing this for a year now."
"This is rubbish." Sasuke grunted.
Naruto cooed. "Is Sasuke-teme scared? Ha-ha, I bet you'll wet your pants, teme!"
Sasuke snorted. "You wish."
Sakura's story was not that scary though. As a matter a fact, it was pretty obvious who the raven haired monster in her story is. The monster eats kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It also likes to eat blonde and pink-headed humans. It sucks their chakra through its red eyes. While his chicken-hair styled hair transforms to vines and sometimes snakes that strangles people on the neck. The monster also has a knack for shouting and demanding his subordinates.
Naruto giggled and kept looking at Sasuke all the time during Sakura's story. Ino was practically pinching herself to stay awake. And Sasuke could just curse and murmur bad words all throughout the story.
In Naruto's story, he entailed: "There was a white-haired man whose face only showed one eye. Many legends have said that behind his mask, there lay the most dreadful thing in the world!" he paused for a dramatic effect. "People say that he has fish plump lips, a long crooked nose with a huge brown mole on the tip of it and a dreadful fake wooden eye. His neck was also bloated and prune. It even moves as if there is something living inside of it—"
Sasuke snorted. White haired man whose face only shows one eye, my ass. It's definitely Kakashi-sensei. That moron. He has no originality. Making boring stories like that. Pfft.
"—people fear of him for they believe that he eats a person bit by bit, making them suffer and—"
"This is nonsense." Sasuke stated. "You are a bunch of bad horror story tellers." His hand was supporting his head.
There was lightning. And there, Sakura saw as the lightning striked—there was a man with white hair and a mask which only shows one eye—looking over the window.
Sakura screamed and pointed at the window.
Lightning strike again. Ino stifled a scream while Naruto and Sasuke stood up in a fighting stance holding out a kunai.
"Who's there? Show yourself!" Naruto shouted.
Sasuke prepared himself for an attack but then the window glass broke into pieces. And the man tumbled on the ground. Sakura turned the lights on. The two of them went over the man while Ino and Sakura hold each others hand.
Naruto's eyes squinted. "Kakashi-sensei?" he uttered as if in doubt. After a moment he repeated: "Kakashi-sensei!" he was sure.
Hatake Kakashi gathered himself up and greeted them. "Yo!"
Sasuke snapped. "Don't 'Yo!' us you old freak! What are you doing here breaking my window and trespassing?"
Kakashi giggled. "I'm just soooo happy. I came here to tell you how my day went."
Naruto panicked. "Oh no! You're not going to tell us about your sex life again are you?"
Sasuke blushed. Darn it! I'm so jealous.
"Ding! We've got a winner!" Kakashi animatedly said.
"But Kakashi-sensei! We're with Sakura-chan and Ino. You can't possibly tell us that NOW and HERE." And not forever! My innocence! My virgin ears!
Kakashi patted Naruto on the head. "Such an eager student you are Naruto. Come, I shall tell you what happened with the lovely flowers and the mighty bee." He grabbed Sasuke too.
"The hell you're not!—" Sasuke retaliated.
The three of them were gone and was replaced with loads of white clouds.
"What the hell was that all about?" Sakura screamed furiously. She looked at Ino, "What are we going to do now?"
Ino thought for a second before answering her. "Well, since I came here to hear and tell a horror story, I'll tell you my story…"
"Okay…" Sakura doubted at first, Ino's story is rather more scaring than hers and Naruto's combined. They sat again and Ino begun to tell her story.
"It happened in the abandoned house in the C-17 area—"
Sakura gasped. "But that's only three blocks away from here!"
"Yeah. So, as I was saying. It's abandoned because there was a tragic death that happened there. The family who lived there before it was abandoned was the Kirisakis. Mr. and Mrs. Kirisaki have one child, Koichi who at that time was only four. Mrs Kirisaki was known to be a very jealous man and he kept a close eye on his wife. He never wanted to be left alone to raise a child on his own.
"But Mrs. Kirisaki is a very beautiful woman. Despite her love for her husband, she couldn't take all the annoying pressure from him. After two months, there was a rumor that went around town, saying that Mrs. Kirisaki was having an affair with one of the Jounin teacher in her son's school. Of course, it wasn't true. But his husband didn't believe her at all.
"At the dead of the night, Mr. Kirisaki well, he poisoned her dinner and just to make sure, he put a sleeping powder on it too so it looked like she was just sleeping. Nobody heard anything. It was the perfect crime. Even after disposing of her body, their son didn't seem to notice her mother missing. So, one day, he asked his son, 'Is there anything you want to ask me, son?' the boy hesitated first but he asked his father nonetheless.
"Mr Kirisaki was expecting a question regarding the disappearance of his mother, but his son asked him: 'Tou-san, how come mom is always at your back?'"
Sakura screamed with the top of her lungs at sheer horror.
When Sasuke arrived from a very disgusting slash arousing lesson (who knew that white-haired man could tell great stories in perfect detail?) about the "bee" and the "flowers" with his perverted sensei, he didn't expect Sakura to be waiting for him at the front porch especially it was already late. He raised his brow at her as he entered the house.
She followed him and tried to laugh but not even a crack of smile came out. She followed him up to his front door. Sasuke stopped and looked at her suspiciously. "Do you expect me to tuck you in bed myself?" he spat out, obviously he was dead tired (and dangerously still aroused).
She looked down. "Err, no."
Sasuke ran his hand through his soft hair. "Then, what do you want with me?"
Sakura's head snapped back up to look into his tired eyes. "Err…"
"What!?" he grew impatient.
She cleared her throat and tried to explain herself. And failed. She stared at her feet. "Want to get some ice cream?"
Sasuke's cheeks were tainted red. He was unconsciously staring at Sakura's mouth, slowly licking and lapping the lucky ice cream. Kakashi's lecture echoed inside his head all over again. The heavenly pleasure a mouth can give you! Oh, the experience of heaven— "NO!" he yelled.
"What 'no'?" she looked so baffled. She gazed at his melting, nearly-wasted ice cream on his hand. "You should eat that! Eat some sugar to tone down your bastard-mode!"
"Shut up!" He looked the other way. Oblivious to his companion, he's completely contemplating an important matter.
"Can I sleep here?"
Oh, yes! More! More! More! Sasuke shook his head. Definitely a big NO. He is a man after all, packed with wild kick-ass hormones.
"Oh, okay." She turned around. "Well, I can always tell Tsunade-sama slash the Godaime of this precious village that one of her precious ninjas refused to help a fellow citizen. And you do know that's against our code of honor. She could reprimand you. Or even suspend you. And you know that'll be annoy—"
Sasuke cursed. "Tch. You sleep on the floor."
Sasuke rubbed his sore head. A little beating here and there, and his dignity was now deduced to something as lowly as the cold hard cement. For he was going to be sleeping on it tonight. Heaving a sigh, Sasuke allowed the annoying banshee to get the upper hand. He saw her climb up to his king-sized bed and tucked herself in the comfy and warm sheets. Sasuke took a pillow and sprawled a thin blanket on the floor.
Sakura looked at him. "Can you sleep here?" she tapped the space beside her. "It's comfy."
Kakashi's story rung again in his head, torturing him. He blushed. Not that she can see it, the lights were turned off. "No." he said firmly.
She pouted and looked at him straight in the eye. "Why not?"
"You're dangerous." Can't she sense the sexual tension in the air?
"I know you haven't slept beside a woman before. That's understandable for a homo like you—"
Why do they always end up in that topic?
"—but even so, I don't think I'll ever want to ride you if that's what you're trying to say. No matter how pretty you are. I promise!" she raised her right hand.
Grunting, he grabbed his pillow and tucked himself on the bed beside her. Obviously, the midget had to know that he was all-male. Even if it spelled danger. "There, happy?" his back was faced her.
"No." she moved closer. "Ino told a very scary story and I couldn't sleep alone. Mocking me doesn't make me feel any less better, Uchiha."
Sasuke snorted. What kind of a scary story would that be? Another monster that resembled one of the jounins around the village? Hah, pathetic girl. Even Naruto's story scared her and it did not even passed off as scary.
"Will you hold my hand?"
His eyes snap open. Did he hear that right? "What?"
"Or, could you hug me perhaps? Or se—"
She felt her hand intertwined with another. His hand was bid and calloused, and she might have felt some scars too. It seemed that no ninja is exempted from pain and scar. There was something odd in his hand besides all of those mentioned. His hand was extremely cold. Not that certain cold-cold like a snow. It was something more than that. A certain coldness that pierces through you. Sadness that lies deep within.
She smiled. Because Sasuke is human too. No matter how cranky or bastardly he might act, there was a need inside him. And she felt it. Strong and vivid. "Uchiha,"
He grunted. "What do you want now?" he sounded so exhausted though it was because of his difficulty for breathing.
"Nothing." She tried to look at his face but the night's lack of moonlight did not allow her to see it properly. She could only see lines and dark colors. He blended with the shadow so well. Too well. "Thank you." She whispered moments later before closing her eyes and entering into a deep slumber. Leaving a very tense and wide awake Uchiha Sasuke.
He couldn't sleep. One fact was that Kakashi's lecture about you-know-what. Another was the unknown warmness he felt in their connected hands. There was something there. Warmness that enveloped his hand was overwhelming. Something he knew he shouldn't feel. No. he shouldn't when he tried to pry her hand away from his, it was stuck like super glue.
He was lying beside a woman. And not just any other woman. The woman who dared threat him to do stuff and bosses him around. And nobody dared to boss Uchiha Sasuke. (well, except the blonde idiot, but he didn't count)
He looked over at their intertwined hands. Without thinking, he lightly tightened his hold on her as if needing more affection.
As Sakura shifted her position, her other arm draped over his chest while his left leg hung to his. Her head nested on his chest. Sakura was hugging him. And the odd thing was—Uchiha Sasuke seems to be enjoying himself. For the first time in years, Sasuke felt warm and safe.
Fact no. 05: women are supposed to be mature
Meet Haruno Sakura! She's one hell of a childish girl! She won't stop until you've done what she wants you to do! Ask Sasuke! He's the proof!
Kakashi appeared leaning on Sasuke's window, waving at him. Sasuke pretends to be asleep but this doesn't fool his perverted sensei.
He opens the window to tell him: "Great work Sasuke! And now, remember what I've told you earlier! When you're in that—oohh! Very good choice of position Sasuke! As expected from a genius like you!—yeah, when you're in that perfect position you'll only need to—"
Sasuke throws a lampshade at his sensei. "DIE! YOU PSYCHO FREAK!"
Tenses are my worst enemy. I'll change that later. Anyhow, I got a little perverted with this one when I re-wrote it. Tehee. Sowee!