Chapter 3: Jurassic Pork

And so we come to the conclusion of the sad attempt to vilify my math teacher forever on the internet comes to a close in this chapter, the stupidest thing I have ever written. Oh, well, I had fun doing so.

And if you can't tell, I like Poptarts.

Anyhow, somewhere in this chapter, the things that actually happened to students end, and my weird ideas begin.

I ripped off of Jurassic Park a bit here, but I've also ripped off of The Wizard of Oz, and a tiny, tiny bit of Monty Python… and let's not forget this is fanfiction, so… Yeah.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not Konjiki no Gash Bell, not Jurassic Park, not the Wizard of Oz, not Twinkies, not anything else I may mention… Heck, I don't even own Mrs. Greenya.


"Psst… Kiyomaro!"

Kiyomaro felt a tugging on his pant leg. He ignored the tugging and the whispering of his name, both coming from Gash Bell.

"Psst… Kiyomaro!" Gash tugged at Kiyomaro's pant leg again.

Kiyomaro turned toward the clock. It was about a minute or two till Greenyasaurus Rex would unleash its power upon the class. On a side note, the students of Mochinoki Middle School had reason to believe that the picture of Mrs. Greenya's husband on her desk was really Greenya herself wearing a fake moustache.

"Unuu! Kiyomaro! Has the Greenyanator brainwashed you?" squealed Gash, who then began to scream. Loudly. This turned heads toward the pair, and Kiyomaro finally answered, yelling.

"What?! What is it, Gash!?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to wish you good luck in Mrs. Greenya's class today," Gash said innocently.

Apparently, only Kiyomaro could see the flying monkeys that occupied Greenya's classroom, as Gash did not flinch as the winged primates snarled at him.

"Oh, thanks."

"Hey, Kiyomaro, where's Suzume?" asked Gash, who looked around for the short-haired girl in vain, as she was not in the classroom.

"Oh, some of her friends got her to play sick so she could leave. Greenya hates her more than the rest of the class," explained Kiyomaro. And it was true, Greenya had despised Suzume ever since the matter of the question. Kiyomaro didn't blame Suzume for pretending to be ill in the least bit.

"Well, I better get outta here," said Gash, "before Mrs. Greenya comes in!"

As Gash mentioned her name, Mount Greenya rose from the earth behind him.

Kiyomaro stared in horror at the Wicked Witch of Algebra as a flying monkey perched on her shoulder, making a twisted giggling noise.

"Unuu… Mrs. Greenya's right behind me… isn't she?" whimpered Gash, shivering in the shadow of the beast.

Kiyomaro could only turn his eyes toward his mathbook and away from Gash to avoid the gruesome slaughter.


Poor Gash, thought Kiyomaro, Greenya had really gone nuts on the kid in a way even Adolf Hitler would find harsh. And he hadn't actually been doing anything aside from being in the classroom, and the principal had approved of that…

This was why Kiyomaro was taking Gash to buy a Poptart (the best thing he had the money for on him at the time) from the school vending machine. The extent of the slaughter upon the blonde mamono had been so terrible that the entire school saw Gash as a martyr.

Classes had ended, and all of the students had left except for Kiyomaro.

"Okay, Gash, we're here," said Kiyomaro softly, as Gash had suffered severe mental trauma from his encounter. Gash was shaking uncontrollably, and had to lean against Kiyomaro's leg to walk.

"What type of Poptarts would you like, Gash?"

At the mention of Poptarts, Gash perked up. "Unuu! Blueberry poptarts!" he shouted in joy.

So much for mental trauma, thought Kiyomaro. Still, the teenager bought Gash a Poptart, as the kid had taken quite a bit of abuse from the power of the monster.

After Gash ate his Poptart, and was already off thinking about his beloved yellowtail, bookkeeper and mamono headed back towards the doors at the front of the school, until they stopped dead in their tracks.

Right in front of them was Greeyna's classroom. They'd have to pass by the doorway to get home.

"Do you think she's in there, Kiyomaro?" whispered Gash.

Kiyomaro listened. The shuffling of papers affirmed his suspicion, and he slowly nodded to the blonde boy.

"So do we go really fast to get it done with, or really slow to avoid making any noise?" asked Gash quietly, bringing up the matter of the speed at which they would go past the door to the black hole that was Greenya's classroom.

Kiyomaro turned to Gash, and said, "Really, really fast." Kiyomaro picked Gash up by the back of his garbage-bag-with-a-bow-in-front dress, and ran for his life at high speed. It was quite a shame that one of Gash's legs made contact with a metal locker that was one of many lining the hallway.This made a rather loud noise, which, of course, drew the attention of the Killer Twinkie to the hallway. She thundered into the hall as Gash rubbed his foot, his eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, crap…" muttered Kiyomaro.

"What are you doing on school property after hours?" asked Greenya, foaming from the mouth and snarling.

When Kiyomaro and Gash failed to answer, Greenyasaurus Rex let out a roar, shaking the earth. She lumbered towards them, figurative fangs bared.

"Kiyomaro! We have to run!" screamed Gash.

"No! We'll never outrun it, even using Rauzaruku!" replied Kiyomaro, referring to his math teacher as an 'it'. "Besides, its vision is based on movement! Stand still and it won't see you!"

Gash and Kiyomaro froze. As they stood, cold sweat covering their bodies, Greenya drew nearer… and turned her head in confusion.

"Where did you go?!" she shrieked, her voice filled with anger and frustration. Kiyomaro fought to remain still as Greenya milled around, looking for them with her beady little eyes.

As Greenya turned to find other prey by the vending machines, possibly members of the chess club as she had eaten on Wednesday, Gash just had to sneeze. Greenya did a full turn around to face the two, grinning menacingly. "I know where you are you little rats!"

Greenya charged Gash and Kiyomaro at high speed. Before Greenya could devour the two, Kiyomaro whipped out his red book in fear for his life.


The bolt of lightning spiraled directly at Greenya, but bounced off her lard, hitting the ceiling. This did absolutely no harm to her whatsoever, but the dust created in the impact on the ceiling was enough to mask Kiyomaro and Gash's speedy getaway down the hallway.

As Kiyomaro ran for his life, he came across the thought, "Oh my god, I've attacked my teacher! If the principal catches wind of this, which he's going to, I'll get a detention or something, and mom will kill me! Oh, I'll be grounded until I'm thirty, at least! I better finish this and dump the corpse in a river somewhere!"



"We have to save the school from Greenya's wrath, even if it costs us our lives!" Kiyomaro said, hiding his true motives of avoiding the anger of his mother.

Gash turned around to look at Greenya as he and Kiyomaro stopped running. However, when faced with the beast herself, they decided bravery would get them nowhere and was not an option. They continued running, all the while loudly screaming, "Run away! Run away!"

Kiyomaro was getting exhausted. However, he soon saw salvation: the men's room. She certainly wouldn't go in there, would she? Kiyomaro knew kids had gotten suspended or expelled for wandering into the bathroom designated for the opposite gender, so he figured a teacher certainly wouldn't do it, right?

But if Kiyomaro's theory was wrong… he and Gash were… well… in short… screwed.

Kiyomaro decided to take the chance and run into the bathroom, past the sink and urinals and into the very last stall.

From the next cubicle over to Kiyomaro and Gash's, a column of foul-smelling smoke rose. The principal's voice could be heard singing the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' theme song.

…The heck? Did all teachers smoke in the bathrooms? Kiyomaro could only wonder.

Moments passed. Neither Kiyomaro nor Gash spoke. The only sound aside from the principal singing was the dripping of the sink. (All school water-fixtures such as sinks or water fountains suck and never work properly, as this is a law of nature.) After forty-five seconds that seemed like forty-five minutes, they were assured that the danger had passed. Kiyomaro let out a sigh of relief, but then noticed that Gash was staring in horror at the toilet bowl.

The water in the toilet was shaking, and Kiyomaro was able to hear loud 'thud's coming towards them. Looking under the stall door past the principal's feet and could see the thick stumps that were Mrs. Greenya's ankles, which moved up and down like pistons as they came closer and closer as Greenya ripped open stall doors. Finally, she came to the stall the principal was in.

As the door slammed open, Kiyomaro could hear the principal going from the advice of 'watch out for Shredder' to screaming in pain and confusion. Moments later, blood seeped under the stall wall.

Well, that would stain the grout.

"Kiyomaro! We're next!" Gash squeaked, backing himself up against the wall as he observed in terror.

Kiyomaro and Gash looked at each other at disgusting munching noises floated from the other stall. After a few moments, they mutually decided without words that they would have a better chance at leaving the building alive if they fought back, and now was the time to attack her.

They ran out from the stall to the area behind Greenya's massive rear. All that remained of the principal was the puddle of blood; Greenya had eaten him, whatever he was smoking and all.

As the monster turned towards Kiyomaro and Gash, blood still dripping from her fangs from her snack of the principal, she licked her chops as clear bloodlust shone in her eyes.

Kiyomaro thought of how easily she had deflected Zakeruga as he opened the red book. He decided he would need a bigger spell. A way bigger one.

As Greenya rushed at the two, Kiyomaro took a deep breath.

"Baou Zakeruga!"

The dragon of lightning could barely be seen before colliding with Greenya's rather large person.


When the smoke cleared, Kiyomaro could see that the school was still standing. Greenya herself must have absorbed the blow. Greenya. Was she still alive? Apparently so, as she was standing, her hideously mismatched clothing still in one piece. However, Greenya squeezed under the wall of the stall into the next (with a great bit of difficulty) and out next to Kiyomaro and Gash in the aisle, who braced themselves for an attack of some sort.

That attack never came. Instead, Greeyna turned away and fled, limping. Even if her movement was wobbly, she was incredibly fast for someone of her weight.

As soon as Greenyas was out for sure, Kiyomaro checked the area for collateral damage. All he could find was the puddle of the principal's blood, and apparently the toilet was chipped from Baou Zakeruga. Oh well.

The janitor could mop up the blood, as it was his job. The grout was ruined, though. As for the toilet… well, Mochinoki was a public school. Stuff happens. Besides, that's what super-glue is for.

So Kiyomaro and Gash fled the crime scene, leaving no proof behind that could ever be traced to them.


"Hey, Takamine-kun!" Kiyomaro looked up from his book to see Suzume Mizuno, who had just recovered from her illness today. Suzume waved happily.

It had been half-a-week since the incident. Toyama had come back to teach again, as students had bailed him out of jail and he had gotten a firearms license. All was good.

"Back at school now that Mrs. Greenya's gone, huh, Mizuno?" Kiyomaro asked somewhat jokingly.

"Who?" asked Suzume, truly clueless to who this 'Mrs. Greenya' was.

"Ah, never mind." Kiyomaro flipped the page of his novel, Boogiepop and Others.

"Guess what, Takamine-kun! The principal ran away earlier this week!" said Suzume. "Weird, huh?"

Ran away. Right.

Suzume raised a file from her side, and said, "We're getting a new one now! The piece of paper in this file I found in the office said that they called this new one 'Michael Jackson' in the last place where she was! Hey, Takamine-kun, who's Michael Jackson?"

Ignoring Suzume's question, Kiyomaro dropped his Boogiepop novel.




A stupid ending for a stupid story. How fitting. Anyhow, I hope you got a few chuckles out of this. I hope.

Every time you decide not to review, Boogiepop goes crazy and kills five innocent people. (Yes, I like Boogiepop.) Review!