Title: Size Matters
Author: Beer Good
Word Count: 932
Spoilers: Season 8, #1
Disclaimer: I would like to publicly apologize to everyone in the entire world for this thoroughly repulsive ficlet. Especially to Joss Whedon, whose boots I am not worthy to lick and couldn't even afford to buy since I don't make any money off this.
"Hey, Dawnie." Willow entered the castle's basement and gazed up at Dawn, who was looking hugely embarrassed. (Emphasis on the "huge" part.) "How's my favorite Gargantuan?"
"What do you think?" The whale-sized teenager whined with the volume of a jet plane taking off. "I'm 100 feet tall and stuck in a cold frickin' basement. I'm just peachy."
"Well, then, we should do something about it, don'tchathink?" Willow walked up the stairs until she was on a level with Dawn's ginormous head, and got in Kind And Wise Supportive Adoptive Big Sister mode. "So... you slept with him, huh? This Kenneth guy?"
Dawn didn't look at her. "Yeah. But he didn't do this, I swear! It was all fine and good except then suddenly Kenny was really tiny and the room became really cramped and the walls burst and next thing I know I'm naked and big as a house and the whole campus is staring at me and I will NEVER EVER EVER go back there again... But it wasn't his fault!"
Willow shook her head sagely. "Dawnie, you mustn't blame yourself. Hey, family tradition... I mean when Buffy and Angel, there was the losing-his-soul, Xander slept with Faith and she went evil, and me and Oz had this whole giant killer snake thing... which I now realize sounds like a really icky metaphor even though it isn't, so you should probably just forget I said that. Point is, it never really goes well, and him being a thricewise -"
"But I don't even know what that means!"
Willow ignored her. "...him being a thricewise, it's not that weird that your first time would lead to some... big changes. We just need to figure out exactly what happened so we can find a way to get you back to, y'know, Dawnie-size."
"Uh... how 'exactly' are we talking about?"
"Well, I'm not asking for graphic descriptions, but the more I know..."
"Great," Dawn grumbled, blushing. "See, thing is... well..." She gestured wildly as she tried to find the right words, the draft from her giant hand almost knocking Willow off her feet. "Kenny, he... he wasn't really... technically... my first."
This was certainly news to Willow. "He wasn't?"
"But who..." Suddenly Willow sounded very guilty. "Wait, it wasn't Spike, was it? I-I know we left you two alone a lot when Buffy was... and him being a vampire... but we figured that with him having the chip and all, that there wouldn't be any... um... popping of anything..."
"Though I guess it would be poetic justice if it hurt him too –"
"I did NOT sleep with Spike!" Dawn stared at her in disgust, and the boom of her voice almost made Willow's eardrums explode. "And also, ewww!"
Willow quickly abandoned that line of questioning; even if you're one of the world's most powerful people, you don't really want to piss off a giant. "So who was it? I mean, if you feel like telling me..."
"Promise you won't hate me?"
"Of course I won't, Dawnie. I mean, unless it's Tara or Kennedy, but..." Her jokey smile quickly turned into suspicion. "It's not Tara or Kennedy, is it?"
"Fine, fine. Just asking." Willow picked herself up after sliding painfully down the wall Dawn's bellow had thrown her against, and shook her head to clear her ringing ears. "So who?"
"Well..." Dawn took a deep breath and stared at the floor. "Remember that night back in Sunnydale, just before the battle, when everyone was... I mean you and Kennedy, and Faith and principal Wood, and Xander and Anya, and you wouldn't believe what Vi and Amanda and Caridad were up to, and everyone was being very loud a-and we had thrown Buffy out and I thought we were all gonna die and he was just there, you know, and we were both scared and didn't want to be alone and stuff sorta... just... happened..."
"Oh, you mean..." Willow trailed off as she tallied up the number of males in the household at the time. "Oh. Um... Oh. Really? You and... uh... Oh. Um..."
"I mean, it wasn't even that good," Dawn sobbed. "And I know that he can't help the size thing and I shouldn't have said anything but it just kinda slipped out when... well... when he did. For the fourth time. He was panting about using the force and kept calling it his 'mighty lightsaber' and so I said it felt more like a penlight a-and I guess he didn't take it very well."
"Ouch. Big ouch." Willow shuddered as she tried to find a way out of the scary visual place. "But still, that shouldn't have..."
"He... may have used the W word." Dawn was bright red at this point. "As in 'I w-i-s-h your next boyfriend's... you know... feels ten times smaller than mine'. I guess maybe some vengeance demon or something was listening in and decided to make that happen..."
"Uh... yeah." Willow, too, was one big freckle of TMI-ness. "That... could probably do it. I'll look into it."
"You promise you won't tell Buffy, right?" Dawn pleaded. "She'd beat him to a bloody pulp and... I mean... it's not like he really meant it. He was just being Andrew..."
"Please, Willow!" Dawn quickly reached out, lifted Willow off her feet and glared at her.
"Sure. Absolutely. Not a peep to Big Sis, nosiree."
"Thank you." Dawn put her down.
"Oh, no big... I mean... don't mention it." Please. Ever again. Willow quickly made her way out of the basement.