The Haruka Files By Phoenix Kaen

Summary: A collection of funny Haruka one-shots written by me.

Disclaimer: Naoko Takeuchi owns Sailor Moon, not I.

A/N: There might be some pairings such as Usagi/Haruka, Minako/Haruka and of course, Michiru/Haruka. Basically, they're all shoujo-ai pairings and if you can't hack it, then leave.

Chapter 1- Baking Cookies


Memories- italic and bold

"No! Usagi! No!" Haruka yelled when Usagi turned on the blender with the top off. Too late. Haruka thought as the cookie batter flew everywhere in the kitchen.

"Ahh!" Usagi screamed when she got a full serving of the mixture in her face. The blender was still whirring loudly. The blonde ditz thought it was a 'great idea' if she saved some time by letting the blender mix the cookie batter for her. Haruka slapped her forehead.

"Ah, Michi's going to kill me when she comes home," she sighed with a sweat drop. "How the hell did I get mixed into this?" Oh, wait, I know.

"Waahhh!" Haruka was drying her short sandy hair with a white towel when she heard the familiar cry in the kitchen. Peeking in, her guess were confirmed. It was indeed Usagi who had emitted the cry. Setsuna and Michiru surrounded the girl that was sitting on a stool near the kitchen counter.

"It's okay, Usagi. I'm sure nothing's wrong. He's probably just busy with exams," Michiru said loudly over the blonde's crying.

"Yes, that's probably it," Setsuna said equally loud. Haruka walked up behind her girlfriend and delivered a soft spank.

"Yo, what's up?" Haruka said playfully.

"Oh! Haruka!" Michiru said with a visible blush. She turned abruptly to the tomboy. "Right now is not the time! Can't you see we're trying to cheer poor Usagi up?"

"What's wrong with koneko?" She asked. That just made Usagi cry even louder. The three of them winced.

"It seems a certain someone hasn't been paying much attention to her," Michiru said carefully.

"Who? Mamoru?"

"SHH!" The two women shushed the clueless cross dresser. At the mention of his name, the volume of Usagi's cries increased. Haruka covered her mouth with her hand muffling the girl. Setsuna and Michi shot her a 'how could you be so insensitive' look.

"You shouldn't cry over this, Usagi-chan. It's probably as they said earlier; Mamoru's busy with schoolwork. It's not easy being in college, you know." She said trying to cheer up the solemn girl. Usagi mumbled something that failed to reach their ears.

"AAAHHH! Runaway blender!" Usagi screamed with an iron pot over her head. She ran away to the living room with the blender hot in pursuit. A batch of sticky cookie batter landed on the left side of Haruka's side as they passed by. It slowly dripped down her left eye.

"ERRGGHH! Usagi, would you stop running?! You're gonna get the stuff in the living room!" With a snap of her hand, she wiped the stuff off her head. Ah, right. I still have to finish the story.

"What?" Haruka finally let go of the girl.

"I bet you don't ignore Michiru when you're busy with homework. At least you still talk to her. Mamo-chan has been completely ignoring me." Usagi whispered.

"Have you tried wearing a bunny suit like the women in playboy?" Haruka suggested which earned her two slaps in the head.

"WOULD YOU GET SERIOUS!" Michiru and Setsuna yelled simultaneously. The wind seishi clutched her aching head.

"OW! I was just kidding, you know! Besides, Michiru would look hotter in the bunny suit!" Another slap. This time she was knocked to the ground with swirls in her eyes. When Haruka came to, she was somehow assigned to assisting Usagi in baking. It was Michiru's brilliant idea and Setsuna second the idea. The idea was to bake cookies so Usagi could get Mamoru's attention and this was how this happened:

"Die, evil blender, die!" Haruka yelled, whacking the blender with a broom. Usagi was hiding behind the teal sofa and peeking over the top to see if the 'evil' blender died. "It's all right, koneko. You can come out now. It's dead," she said to the scared odango head.

"We're home!" Setsuna announced opening the front door. Michiru was holding young Hotaru's hand and smiling happily at her.

"Did you like the zebras, Hotaru?" She asked. The dark-haired girl nodded with a smile.

"I liked the lions, too," Hotaru said. "And the elephants, the giraffes, the tigers…" She continued to list zoo animals.

"Good," Michiru said, helping her take off the mauve coat.

"What the-?!" Setsuna's alarmed cry alerted Michiru.

"Setsuna! What is it? What's the mat-AHHHHHH! My home!" Michiru screamed, taking in the sight.

"Michiru, Setsuna!" Haruka gulped. She dropped Usagi who fell flat on her face.

"What happened here!" Michiru demanded, gesturing to the battered covered walls, ceiling, the sofa and well, basically everything. She failed to notice Hotaru who sneaked in the room. She walked to the nearby wall. Her finger ran through the gooey substance on it and she licked it off.

"Yummy!" She exclaimed happily.

"Um, well, we were baking cookies like you said," Haruka explained meekly. Usagi smiled nervously and nodded weakly behind her.

"You were baking cookies in the living room?!" Michiru and Setsuna had their hands on their hips.

"Well, no, we were baking cookies in the kitchen then the blender escaped in here."

"'The blender escaped?' The blender did something as in a noun?" Setsuna questioned skeptically. "Haruka, you've got to come up with a better explanation than that."

"But it's true! It's-" She stopped her flustering and looked at the women. "Oh, no, you don't. This wasn't my idea in the first place. Don't blame me for this. This was your brilliant idea."

"Haruka, we told you to help Usagi make cookies, not help her mess things up." Setsuna said.

"Grr!" Haruka's temper was of the breaking limit. "Mamoru!" She screamed through her gritted teeth, triggering Usagi's loud sobbing. "Deal with THAT!" With that, she ran out the front door and slammed it. Michiru and Setsuna looked with disbelief at the door. It opened and Haruka stormed in. She grabbed Michiru's face and delivered a forceful kiss.

"How was your day, baby?" She asked nicely when she broke the kiss. Then she went to Hotaru and tossed her playfully into the air.

"Whee!" Hotaru cried gleefully. Haruka set the child down again and went out the house again, slamming the door.

A/N: Um…If you want me to update, then review.