Disclaimer: I do not own any of it.
Nobody can feel the cold breeze that Remus can feel. Everybody else can feel the warm spring wind that's making the blooming flowers sway and the trees shiver. Nobody can see the iciness and bitterness in the scene before them that Remus can feel. They can all see flowers and greenness and blue skies that seem never-ending. Nobody can feel inside what Remus is feeling.
He holds a flower up to him and picks a petal. It's one of blue forget-me-not flowers. Remus wants to forget, so he's picking the petals.
He wanted to be the boy Sirius was afraid to lose. The one where Sirius couldn't walk away when he knew Remus was mad at him. The one who Sirius couldn't fall asleep without hearing Remus' voice being the last one he heard. The one who couldn't live without.
So much for that.
Petal one hits the ground.
He picks the second fragile petal.
This morning he smashed the pumpkin juice pitcher because starting today he's never looking back. He's so tired of pretending everything's okay. His tears are starting to show and his smile is fading away. Sometimes he thinks that he's just a silly little smart-ass that just falls for the wrong boys.
He still thinks he's right.
Petal two lies gently on top of petal one on the dirt.
He wasted time with Sirius to live in the moment. All Sirius ever told him was 'laugh often, be immature, do anything and everything'. And then Remus would always say 'it'll always be something I'll regret in the morning'. And Sirius would say 'then sleep late, Moony, and when you wake up laugh about it with me.'
He could never.
The petal falls out of the wind and hits the firm dirt.
He picks another petal.
Sometimes he wishes he was eleven again, in their first year, where Sirius and him would play tag, because all Sirius would do was tag him when Remus was it. All he needs is just one chance, one kiss, one night to show him what he means to him, one chance to spend the day with him and to show him how alike they were. One kiss to prove that they're more than just friends and one night to hold him.
That's all he needs but he won't ask for it.
Petal number four joins the others.
He picks another petal.
Life was full of secrets and lies and he knew that, so why did he always act so surprised when he was screwed over? James always said 'love is for losers', so Remus guesses that he's one of them. Just another loser. He wanted to be the boy who could smile when his heart was broken and brighten up somebody else's day when he couldn't brighten up his own, but it was impossible.
He never tried to check if it was possible.
Petal five blows onto the ground.
Remus picks another.
He learns that as he grows up even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let him down probably will. He knows that he'll have his heart broken more than once and that it'll be harder every time. He might break hearts too. He'll blame today for something that bothered him yesterday. He'll cry because time is moving too fast so he'll eventually lose someone he loves. So he tells himself, take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt. Because sixty seconds he spends upset is a minute of happiness he'll never get back.
He's lost a lot of minutes.
More than half of the flower is gone as the petal hits the ground at his feet.
He picks another anyway.
If he tells Sirius that something's wrong and that something is bothering him, Sirius will say 'if you can't get someone out of your head maybe they're supposed to be there.' And Remus knows that once he loves someone it won't leave his head, it'll be a part of him forever. That scares him. Now he tells himself to never make anyone everything because once he'll lose them he'll have nothing. He still has to tell himself that everything happens for a reason.
The petal drops down and down and down.
He picks the last petal and stares at it.
He knows that Sirius doesn't love him so why is he even trying? Love is an excuse to get hurt. If he'll find arms that'll hold him at his weakest, eyes that'll see him at his ugliest, and a heart that'll love him at his worst, then he's found love. He can see all of that already even though he doesn't want to. If he can only be with Sirius in his dreams then he wants to sleep forever. There will always be Sirius and no matter what he'll do he won't be able to stop loving him. He's been a fool to think that Sirius was thinking of him. He wants to tell Sirius "don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head" but he won't. He keeps on closing his eyes but he can't block Sirius out. He wishes he knew exactly what to say so he could take his breath away. Anything he learned about breaking hearts he learned from Sirius. You can always start liking someone over and over and again, but you can't if you love someone.
The petal hits the floor and Remus cries.
The stem shakes in his hand.
Sirius is a little bit more than what he calls amazing.
"Sirius doesn't love me." He tells himself, drops the stem over the pile of broken petals. It's what he's leaving behind that he's dropped onto the dirt. He straightens up and stomps over the petals, once, twice, three times, until they're engraved in the dirt and muddy.
"There, Sirius," He says quietly, on the verge of tears. His voice is shaking. "That's how I end things."