Disclaimer: Capcom owns DMC and Rumiko Takahashi owns Inuyasha.

random crossover bunny? I wasn't up to Angel Halo but wanted to write something. And I used wikipedia's spelling of the sword names, so blame them if they're incorrect.

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One of the early Roman emperors, on being told that he was to be deified, was said to have responded "…and what the hell am I supposed to do if some child prays to me to heal their sick mother?!" or words to that effect.

Sparda could relate. It was nice that there were at least some people that didn't hate him for being a demon, but, unfortunately, like quite a lot of demons, he had a certain handicap.

He could be summoned.

Now, if someone were to summon him because they were about to be overrun by demons, that was quite all right. And some sorcerer summoning him to attempt to kill him, well, that saved him the trouble of tracking them down.

But some well-meaning people summoning him to give him unwanted gifts and sing at him (Sparda had been raised among civilized demons, with a fine appreciation of the arts, but choral, well… someone was always off-key, and with his hearing he couldn't escape it.)… Well, it was embarrassing to say the least. Not to mention that they always caught him just when he got to the good part of the book, or when he was relaxing in boiling-hot water, or when he was just about to deliver a finishing blow… so, he soon managed to institute a call-blocking spell capable of divining the caster's intent.

It worked wonderfully until, one time, unable to find Sparda, the spell homed on in the closest possible target, since the casters didn't have the sense to just give up and poured in more power instead of shutting it off.

Powerful, white-haired demon lord who would love a human and have two sons (bear in mind that a demon's name includes all they are and all they will ever be), one a bit of a prat and the other immature and wearing red, wielding their father's swords.

Needless to say, Inu no Taisho was not amused to find himself suddenly half across the globe from his home.

The next attempt to reach Sparda was, in fact, of the, "we need you now or we're all going to die!" variety. So, sighing, he put down his book and went to the blasted cathedral.

The mistake was soon sorted out (despite his vaulted power, the White Dog Lord knew better than to pick a fight with Sparda) with a shared aggrieved look exchanging the mutual thought: "Humans. Can't reason with them, can't kill them all, it would take all day. Plus one in a million of them actually has a working brain."

The whole thing ended with quite good tea and a pleasant debate over the merits of certain types of magical swords, as well as a standing invitation for Sparda to drop by anytime he was in the area.

Now, Sparda had to travel quite a bit, to hide the fact he didn't age. He would depart, then show up a few decades later claiming to be his own son, or grandson, depending on how much interesting stuff he had found and how long it took to finish poking at it, as well as how much his estates in various parts of the world had gone to seed in his absence. Putting the proper fear of the dark gods into potential embezzling underlings were some of the high points of the trips.

So, he encountered the elder son of his new friend when he was a child, but the next time he was in Japan he was greeted with news of a scandal. When he visited the elder son, he was not at all impressed.

The next time he encountered that family, he had to wonder at the irony of it all.

White hair, swords, fated to love and lose a human, etc. etc. Only, in this case, he was the mistaken target, the White Dog Lord having moved on to the afterlife without a forwarding address in hopes of finally having that honeymoon without being interrupted by his blasted kids' sibling rivalry.

And, in fact, that was the summoners' intent: to have Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru's father's spirit appear and talk Sesshoumaru out of trying to kill Inuyasha for the umpteenth time. It was getting annoying and interfering with shard hunting/vengeance on Naraku.

Kagome wanted to get a passing grade, Sango wanted to get vengeance, and Miroku wanted to get some.

Instead, they got a European gentleman with perfectly normal ears (much to Kagome's disappointment). Luckily, he turned out to be an old friend of the brothers' father, strode fearlessly out into the battlefield, divested them of their swords with seeming ease, and proceeded to deliver, without raising his voice, a cutting dressing-down that had both of them attempting to be swallowed by the earth.

Kagome wondered if he was an elf (she'd done research on European youkai), but no pointy ears. Shame. Even if they wouldn't have been furry. So, she listened in, making notes of the barbs that worked best on each brother (one lecture wouldn't be enough for permanent effect), and caught the bit at the end:

"Now. You two are going to treat each other in a way that does not disgrace your family from now on, I am sure."

Inuyasha's response was a simple, "Yeah."

Sesshoumaru, however, bowed and answered. "Yes, Lord Sparda."

"Sparda?" Kagome gasped, followed by the other two.

Sparda turned at the noise. Oh dear. More hero-worship. He had best get out of here while he could, or else the monk would want to invite him to ceremonies, and then he would have to be rude and leave (and many demons would rather die than be rude. Being rude in the Underworld to the wrong person usually resulted in a fate worse than death.).

Kagome's mind raced. The legendary Sparda! The hero! He could kill Naraku and retrieve the Shikon Shards! Then she could go home! Hot baths, nice warm bed, doing homework for an hour every night instead of going home and being greeted by a pile of the stuff going up to the ceiling…

"Good. I shall take your word for it." Sparda nodded, ignoring the human onlookers. "You are both adults and capable of dealing with your grievances without putting innocent bystanders in peril. I do not," he pointed at Kagome and the others, "want to hear from them again because of some problem that you could have solved simply by acting as befits your father's sons." And being civil, was what he meant.

Blast, Kagome thought. That meant no help against Naraku.

"Yes, sir."

"Of course, Lord Sparda." Stupid humans, bothering the great lord and making him look like a quarreling child! Ordinarily, this would cause a death-glare at them, but not in front of Lord Sparda.

Kagome still picked up on it. Double blast. Lord Seshtick-up-his… was ticked. Well, hopefully he'd just avoid them.

"If I am troubled by this foolishness again, I will confiscate these," Sparda held up the fang swords, "until you have proved yourself worthy of them."

…Sesshoumaru wouldn't care about the Tenseiga, but Inuyasha couldn't afford to lose the Tessaiga. Great. Kagome sighed.

"Is that clear, young men?"

Agreements.

"Good." Their swords were tossed to them. "Then I shall take my leave." And there was no-one there. Half a minute later, there was no Sesshoumaru either.

Sango patted the disappointed Kagome, who was saying goodbye to her visions of an easy victory, on the shoulder. "Well, at least we're still alive."

"Good point." No one was even seriously injured! Kagome cheered up.

Then she groaned, realizing how low her standards had fallen that this was enough to make it a good day.

Elsewhere, Sparda sighed. Cheating on the mate his family had arranged for him with a human and then dying and allowing his offspring to grow up as near savages, at each other's throats instead of working together as siblings should. He had thought better of his old friend.

Secure in the knowledge that he would never stoop so low, Sparda dismissed it from his thoughts and returned to his perusal of All's Well That Ends Well.