Title: The Internet Is Mightier Than The Sword
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just play with 'em.
Rated: T (contains brief strong profanity and some suggestive sexual references)
Summary: Oneshot parody, late season 3. The Charmed Ones are horrified when they discover that various fictional stories about them, known as "fanfics", have been published all over the Internet. Features Cole, Darryl, and Leo.
Feedback: would be very highly appreciated. I don't mind criticism, but try to be constructive.
Prue opened the door, revealing Inspector Morris, who was wearing a tan overcoat and a look of irritation.
"Hey, Darryl, thanks for coming on such short notice."
"I came here as soon as I got your message. This had better be important; my people down at the station are getting really suspicious."
They walked into the dining room, where the others were sitting at the table. Phoebe sat at the head of the table with a laptop in front of her; Cole sat to her right, Leo sat to her left, and Piper sat next to Leo. All of them were shifting through and looking over the hundreds of printed sheets of paper that were scattered all over the table. They only looked up long enough to acknowledge Darryl with a nod. Prue took a seat next to Cole, and Darryl next to Prue.
"Um…okay, what exactly are we looking at here?" asked Darryl. Prue promptly handed him several pages. He skimmed through them.
"Alright, what is this, some kind of joke? Where did these come from?" he asked.
"They're called 'fanfics', and they came from the Internet," replied Phoebe, not looking up from her laptop. "Right there in plain sight where anybody can read them. I printed off as many of them as I could."
"I don't understand," said Darryl. "Who outside of us knows this much about the Charmed Ones?"
"Not that many that I know of, or so I thought," replied Prue, "and I don't know any who use the Internet that much. And it's not just the Charmed Ones, either; they seem to know a lot about Cole, Leo, and you."
"Me?!" replied Darryl. "I don't even have any powers; how would they know about me?!"
"They apparently don't know that much about us," said Leo. "Most of these stories aren't true."
"Yes," said Piper, "but that doesn't change the fact that there are some things that they do know about us that they shouldn't know; some of them are able to recall actual events down to the specific details, including the exact wording of the spells we used!"
"I've noticed one recurring pattern," said Cole. "Apparently whenever a story is going to have a relationship, romantic or otherwise, between two people, the story's summary denotes it by listing the names of the two, separated by a slash. For example, Cole/Phoebe, or Leo/Piper. There's also a lot of pairings here that, unless you people haven't been completely honest with me, didn't happen in real life, such as Leo/Prue, Dan/Phoebe, Darryl/Andy, etcetera." Darryl jerked his head up at this last mention.
"What was that, Cole?"
"Apparently, some of these…writers think that you and this deceased colleague of yours had a rather, uh, close relationship."
"What the—I don't—we never—"
"It's okay, Darryl, we know it's not true," said Piper, smiling. "Not that there's anything wrong with it, of course." This last phrase earned her a glare from the party whose sexual orientation was apparently a subject of speculation by the so-called fanfic writers.
"Don't worry, Darryl, you're not the only one," said Cole. "According to this one, Piper has been wondering why Leo has seem so distracted lately, and doesn't realize that it's because he wants me and therefore has been intently staring at my well-toned ass." Cole looked up at Leo and grinned. "Ah, that's so sweet, Leo." Piper glared at Cole; Leo simply rolled his eyes.
"Okay, guys, found another site. Here come some more fanfics." Phoebe walked into the next room and, a couple minutes later, returned with many more pages and dumped them on the table. "These are from the site Adult Fan Fiction."
"'Fiction' is right," said Darryl. Everybody immediately dove into the new pile and started looking over the new stories.
"Wow," said Phoebe. "Just reading this makes me feel a strong need for a very cold shower."
"Same here," said Prue. "I never thought it was possible to be this explicit. What the hell does 'rimming' mean?"
"I didn't even know that it was possible to do that with one's tongue," Phoebe commented as she skimmed over the document currently in hand.
"Jesus, some of these stories are just plain depraved!" exclaimed Piper. "I mean, come on, Leo, I would never say things in the bedroom to you like 'Fuck me hard' or 'Eat my puss— '"
"PIPER!" interrupted Leo, Phoebe, and Prue simultaneously, stopping her from finishing the last word.
They continued reading for several more minutes before Piper finally spoke again.
"What is up with these people's way of depicting me? In almost all of the stories, I'm some obsessive-compulsive uptight prude. Just because I like to maintain a clean kitchen doesn't make me obsessive or compulsive! There is no obsessing going on, alright? I like maintaining order and balance, okay? No obsessing whatsoever!" She noticed the others were staring at ther. "What?"
"It's not like they're entirely nice to me either," said Prue. "They seem to think I'm some ice queen suffering from an extreme case of excessive vanity."
"Well, there was that thing with the seven sins," Piper remarked. Prue narrowed her eyes at her. Cole noticed Leo was turning very red at what he was reading, followed by him dropping the papers on the table. Cole picked them up and read them to see what Leo was so embarrassed about.
"Hey, I'd take Ice Queen any day over what their portrayal of me," said Phoebe. "According to them, I'm some super-horny slut who'll sleep with anybody."
"Including, apparently, her sisters," said Cole, who was still reading the fanfic that had turned Leo red.
"WHAT?!" resounded three female voices at once.
"Give me that!" Phoebe snatched the papers out of Cole's hand and began reading it. Prue and Piper stood up and crowded around her, reading over her shoulders.
Piper was now red in the face as well (unlike Leo, however, it was more out of anger than embarrassment) and was not able to get a complete sentence out, no matter how hard she tried.
"I am thoroughly—I can't believe—why those—" Finally, she ran into the bathroom. Sounds of retching followed.
The males at the table started discussing their portrayals.
"Most depictions of my character aren't that bad," said Darryl, "although a couple of the more ignorant writers' made me out to be very stereotypical, having me use words like 'honky' and the n-word."
"They love to show me as being completely dominated by my wife," said Leo.
"And you think that's worse than Phoebe's depiction?" asked Cole, who had no problem with the writers' depiction of him as being cool and suave.
"Hey, at least she usually gets to be the dominant partner!"
He's got a point, thought Phoebe, even if I do have sex with virtually everyone in those stories. She looked at the others, considering. Darryl and Leo were handsome enough (she had even hit on Leo before he started dating Piper), but they were also married; if they hadn't been, though, she probably would have been willing to have sex with them. She even looked Prue over once or twice. Nah. Probably not. Maybe if she was into that sort of thing. Hey, she does possess a fine ass, and a nice rack to go with it. Phoebe suddenly realized what she was thinking and mentally slapped herself.
Piper came out of the bathroom, wiping her mouth with a towel.
"Leo, you need to go talk to the Elders and see if they know anything about this."
"I don't think that's necessary, Piper—"
Leo obediently vanished in a swirl of bluish-white lights.
"I'd say the writers were right about him," Cole muttered.
Darryl left, saying that he would have somebody at the station check it out. Cole shimmered away, telling Phoebe that was going to see if anybody in the Underworld knew anything; this left the Charmed Ones alone.
"What do you think, Prue?" asked Piper. "You suppose these writers are demons?"
"No," replied Prue. "Not all of them, anyway. After all, some of these stories, while fictional, do portray us in a positive light."
"Yes, but what about the ones whose works are pure vile slander?"
"Only one way to find out," replied Phoebe. Her sisters looked at her. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a slip of paper. "I wrote a spell to summon one of the writers. Maybe they can tell us how they know about us and why they write such stories."
"That's actually not a bad idea," said Prue. "But which one will it summon?"
"You pick the one you want to summon and write their name down on a slip of paper, which you burn after saying the spell."
"Okay," said Piper. "That sounds good and great, but what exactly are we going to do once they are summoned?"
"We'll demand information out of them, perhaps torture them if necessary," said Prue.
"Torture?" asked a worried Phoebe. "Isn't that going a bit far? What if the writer turns out to be a mortal?"
"Then we'll heal them and erase their memory before sending them back," Prue replied. They agreed this was the best plan.
"Okay, but which one will we summon?" asked Piper.
Looking away from the table, Prue pointed her left index finger straight down at the scattered pile of papers, then moved the finger in random circles before finally bringing it down to the table. She picked up the paper that it had landed on.
"This one," Prue said in reply to Piper's question.
Several minutes later, they were up in the attic and had placed the crystals in a circle. They read off the spell together.
"Oh forces of magic, we implore you to help us a good bit; summon the one whose name we burn now, bring us this writer of pure shit." Prue and Piper looked at one another, then at Phoebe.
"Your wording really sucks, you know that?" said Prue.
Phoebe shrugged. "It was the best I could come up with in two minutes that rhymed."
"Let's just finish the spell, you two," said Piper. She took the slip with the writer's name on it and placed it over the candle flame, burning it.
A cloud of smoke appeared in the circle of crystals; it cleared quickly, revealing the writer who was trapped in the magical cage activated by the circle of crystals.
If he was a demon, he certainly did look like a typical one. He appeared to be in his early twenties, and had a thin beard on his face. He looked rather dorky, they thought, seeing as he was dressed in a button-up shirt, shorts, and tennis shoes; he also appeared to be about forty pounds overweight. In one hand, he held a half-eaten Butterfinger; in the other, a 20 oz. bottle of Coca-Cola.
He tried to step out of the circle, but received a rude surprise when he was shocked by the cage, causing him to drop the bottle. Panic developed in his eyes, and he looked over at his captors. A strange look of recognition crept onto his face.
Prue was the first to speak. "Alright, filmFreak1, start talking."
Author's Note: This fic was partially inspired by similar one that I read that took place in the Firefly universe. I decided to apply the same premise here.
I know some of you may have been disgusted by Phoebe's brief thoughts about Prue, but remember: this fic is a parody
This is actually my first attempt at a fic with an overall humorous tone…hope you enjoyed it.
Make sure to leave feedback! I hope you liked this; if not, I certainly welcome criticism, but try to be constructive. Thanks again!