Honey, I'm Gay
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...
Losing Bankotsu had evoked emotions that transcended far beyond my understanding. I felt ten again, needing reassurance and attention—someone to tell me everything would be okay eventually. But now, I had to be that stronghold for Rin—attempting to keep my eyes dry as I told her that her father had gone to a much better place; a place where the words pain and suffering fall upon deaf ears.
He had lived a life of laughter, love, and abundance—a life many would envy. Many times I would have to remind myself that he, too, had to endure sadness. He never showed it. His attitude had been one of the result of seeing the glass half full, rather than half empty. It was an aspect of Bankotsu that I would always admire.
I knew the dull, hollow ache in my heart would always shadow my life—and I knew I must adapt. Rin would ask about him—his life, his experiences, his mistakes—and I would tell her. I would tell her with pride and with a smile. I would keep him alive for as long as I lived.
I just had to do that without breaking down first...
I woke up with a start, feeling a warm hand on my hip. My eyes widened. Bankotsu? I thought in my half-awoken state. I quickly shifted positions to find not only my assumption wrong but two aurulent eyes staring back at me. One stinging feeling in the back of my nose and a large dose of realization later, tears were streaking down my cheeks.
Sesshomaru sighed and brought me closer to his chest. His thumb began to rub soothing circles on my hip while the fingers on his other hand ran through the strands of my hair, untangling it gently.
"I'm sorry," I hiccuped, trying my best not to wipe my tears on him. "I thought..." I trailed off. How silly would that sound? I thought you were Bankotsu. I berated myself tenfold. He'sdead, Kagome. And he's never coming back.
"I understand," Sesshomaru said, his eyes focused on the ceiling.
An uncomfortable silence followed and I fidgeted nervously in his grasp. He slowly released his hold realizing that I had reached a higher point than before and was slowly accepting the fact that Bankotsu was gone forever.
"I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung."
My lips twitched. "Is that your phone?" I could hear the vibrations from the side of the bed as the tune filled the room. Sesshomaru gave a look that was a cross between irritation and anger and rolled over to reach his phone, mumbling something about "stupid brothers".
I couldn't help but laugh.
At that moment everything seemed like it would be okay.
But only for that moment.
"Would you like to join us for breakfast?" I asked as I saw Sesshomaru walk out of the bathroom, straightening his tie and smoothing out the wrinkles from his shirt that sleep had brought it. After the ringtone incident, he had taken the call outside on the balcony of the apartment.
"I unfortunately cannot stay as I have business to attend to at work. I apologize," he stated.
I saw Rin frown as I used the spatula to place some eggs onto her plate. Despite the latest events, she had really grown to like Sesshomaru.
"Alright…" I muttered, not sure what else to say. It had been awkward enough waking up with the guy in my bed and then bawling all over him like a big baby—I was embarrassed with myself for even asking him to stay. I guess what was done was done. "Well I can't thank you enough for all your help and support lately. Rin and I really appreciate it." I added.
He nodded, accepting my thanks. "It's no trouble. I guess I will see both of you again soon." He turned to face Rin who was attempting to stab a piece of egg onto her fork so she could begin shoveling the food into her mouth. She had always been like me in that way—regardless of what had happened in life, she always had a healthy appetite. I had always figured that starving yourself wouldn't do any tragic situation any good.
"Goodbye, Rin. I will see you soon." Sesshomaru's voice snapped me out of my musings and I could instantly tell what was going to happen next. Of course Rin wouldn't want him to leave.
Her eyes lifted to meet his and I saw that the waterworks were about to begin. "Please don't leave me, too…"
My heart was shattering into tiny, irreplaceable pieces. At the word too, my eyes had started to well up also. I walked over to her and gathered her in my arms. "I miss him, too, baby," I whispered.
Sesshomaru briefly wore a concerned expression. "How about your mother and you join me for dinner tonight? Would that be okay, Rin?"
She sniffled and looked at him with wide eyes. "You promise?"
He gave a small smile. "I promise." He then turned to me. "I will call you later to give you directions. Unless you remember how to get there from last time?"
I nodded, squeezing Rin even tighter. "I think I can find it," I said. I mean, there were only so many neighborhoods that had houses that looked like his.
At least Rin now had something to move the day forward.
Both of us did.
The rest of the day consisted of Rin lying in front of the T.V., her eyes glued intently to the screen, my mind in a million places as I ran around trying to find something decent for dinner at Sesshomaru's—all while getting information from Sango about the funeral that was supposed to happen later this week.
I wasn't particularly sure if I was up to a fancy-pants dinner at mansion-de-la-Sesshomaru but half of me thought that it would be a good change of scenery for both Rin and I. A good distraction if you will.
My phone gave a ring and I walked over to the counter where I had placed it, glancing briefly at the caller ID before picking it up. "Hey sweetie," I answered, knowing it was Sango on the other line.
"Hey Kags. How are you doing? Do you and Rin need some company tonight?"
I smiled. Regardless of how horrible I'm sure she was feeling, she was concerned for Rin and I. "Well…Rin and I are going to Sesshom—"
"What! Are you serious! Bank would be so happy if he were still here!"
I laughed. "I know and I'd never hear the end of it. But as I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me…" I heard her giggle and continued. "We're going to Sesshomaru's for dinner and I know we both would love if you wanted to come over afterwards."
"Hell yeah I'm coming over afterwards! I want details, woman! Let me know when you guys get home tonight."
I walked over to the bed, smoothing out the dress I was going to wear to dinner and eyeing my largely growing shoe collection to see which ones I'd most enjoy venturing out in tonight. "I will," I muttered. "I just…I feel guilty, Sango."
I heard her sigh and collapsed on the bed, running a hand through my hair.
"Kagome…he would want you to be happy. You know that, I know that, and so does everyone else who ever got to know him. Go out and have fun tonight with Rin. You both need some distractions right now. I honestly don't think it has really hit anyone that he's really gone."
I rolled over on my side as I heard Rin giggle from the living room.
"I guess you're right."
When we pulled into the driveway (although that might be a bad word for it since it was such a large space, I could practically fit my entire apartment building in it) Rin was in awe. She had never seen such a glorious home and even though it was my second time seeing it, I almost let my mouth drop as well.
"Mommy, its huge!" Rin squealed with joy. "Think of how may toys I could fit in there!"
I laughed. Of course that would be the first thing a five year old would be concerned with; a place to put her toys. "Alright Rin, out," I commanded, unbuckling my seatbelt and opening the door. She nodded excitedly and got out of the car running up to the front doors. She knocked and I laughed.
"I don't think anyone is going to hear you, sweetie." As I reached the front doors, I heard the crunch of gravel behind me and tossed a glance in that direction, curious.
"Kagome?" a confused voice asked. I recognized said voice as the one belonging to Miroku's friend from the movies, Inuyasha. "What are you doing here?"
Before I could answer, Rin beat me to it. "We're here to see Sesshomaru!" she answered with a big gaped tooth smile.
"Oh yeah?" Inuyasha grinned. "And who might you be?"
Rin smiled even bigger. "I'm Rin."
"Rin, eh?" Inuyasha said, ruffling her hair. "You look a lot like your mom."
I gave a small smile. "And a lot more like her dad…" I whispered to myself. Inuyasha must have heard me because he gave a sympathetic glance.
Rin, oblivious to what was going on, had taken a new interest in the man who looked a lot like Sesshomaru. "Are you going to eat dinner with us, too?" she asked, innocent as ever.
He shrugged. "I don't think so."
I took this as my cue. I knew Sesshomaru probably wouldn't be happy but who was he to say no to someone who was grieving? Yes, I would stoop so low…
"Sure you are," I said and grabbed his hand dragging him inside.
What I didn't know is that Sesshomaru still hadn't confronted him for changing his ringtone and embarrassing him this morning.
It was silent.
Well, except for Rin babbling on about how much she loved the koi pond in the "backyard" of this gorgeous place.
"…and I like the orange ones with the white stripes and the white ones with the orange stripes. Oh! And don't forget the red ones and the black ones and the…"
I wanted to laugh.
Sesshomaru sat as still as a statue his glare fixed upon Inuyasha who fidgeted in his chair uncomfortably.
"I should probably—"
"Nope. Food's gonna be done soon," I said, smiling wide. Sesshomaru tossed me a glance. I decided that it would be fun for everyone if I decided to make things more interesting.
"So I was listening to the radio the other night and that song by Sir Mix-A-Lot came on…um what was it?" I said, tapping my fingers against the table as if I was trying to pull a name from the recesses of my brain.
I could feel two pairs of eyes on me at that moment. "Oh yeah! Baby Got Back," I said as if the name had just come to me. I smothered a giggle and watched as Inuyasha laughed nervously.
"Such a good song," he coughed.
"I do not find this amusing," Sesshomaru countered.
"I also like the yellow ones! Those are pretty!" Rin exclaimed. "Don't you, Mommy?" she said, turning to smile at me. I was amazed that she was still going on about the koi fish to no one in particular. Crazy child.
"Yes, honey," I responded, watching as the servers (servers! For the food! I mean, how cool is that?) walked in with steaming plates of what looked like chicken breast and some array of vegetables. "I like the yellow ones, too."
Inuyasha had retired to his room early, probably hoping to escape the wrath of Sesshomaru as I cuddled with Rin on a wonderfully plushy couch in one of the many living rooms. Sesshomaru walked in just as I got comfortable and sat across from me.
"Thank you for dinner," I said, covering up a yawn with the back of my free hand. "It was delicious and I know Rin really enjoyed herself."
The smallest of smiles touched his lips. "I believe you enjoyed yourself, too."
I laughed remembering the glaring contest that ensued between the brothers over the stupid ringtone. Siblings, I swear. It was always over the smallest things and it was always easy to push buttons. "I did. It felt good to laugh tonight."
"I'm glad," he answered, leaning back in the chair.
"We should be getting home soon since she's completely out," I said, smoothing her hair back. "I also have a lot to do tomorrow." I realized just how true that statement was as soon as it had come out of my mouth. I had promised Bankotsu one thing and one thing only and I was not going to let him down. I needed to call Kaguya.
"Of course; I completely understand. Do you wish for me to walk you out?" He asked, standing from where he had just been sitting. I shifted my weight so I could pick up my slumbering little girl more easily when I felt Sesshomaru's arm brush against mine as he lifted her with ease into his arms. She gave a little sigh in her sleep and snuggled into his shoulder, gripping him so tightly that it almost seemed like she expected him to disappear.
I smiled as he held his free hand out to me to help me up from the couch.
We walked in silence to my car and I stood by as he buckled her in securely so she wouldn't wake on the drive home.
"We had a wonderful time tonight, Sesshomaru."
"As did I, Kagome," he said, closing the car door softly and taking a step towards me. He grabbed my hand softly. I looked up at him, my heart speeding up an incredible amount. One small touch and he had my heart racing. "You looked exquisite tonight," he stated, watching me closely.
I could feel my cheeks heating up and I did something I never thought I would ever be brave enough to do. I closed the space between us and kissed him with every ounce of passion in my body.
I knew that wherever he was, Bankotsu was looking down on us, grinning his heart out.
A/N: It's been years since I've even typed ' ' into my browser. But I'm glad I did. Last night I ran across this story and I really had the urge to write some more. I hope this chapter isn't a disappointment but it's been a while and I'm a little rusty. Review!