Name That Dad!

Name That Dad!
By Seabeast

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokémon. If you actually thought that I did you should be put in a mental home immediately.

WARNING: I am currently suffering from MAJOR writer's block. Fic may be stupid and senseless with no plot whatsoever.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so I got bored one day. I'm suffering from major writer's block, so I decided to try and break the ice with a funny fic. I just grabbed a handful of characters and dropped them onto a stage for a gameshow that tries to figure out who Ash's dad is. Now, I'm not saying that whoever ends up being his dad is who I think it is, it could be anyone. So don't you DARE flame me over something so stupid.


Brock: (dressed in fancy tuxedo and with his hair slicked back) Hello, everyone, and welcome to...

Audience: NAME...THAT...DAD!


Brock: (looking down at small index cards on the podium in front of him) All right, everyone, it's time to meet our contestants!

(More applause.)

Brock: First off, it's the of the hour, Ash Ketchum!

(Someone shoves Ash onstage from behind big red curtains. Ash steps out and shields his eyes from all of the bright lights shining on him.)

Brock: Come on, Ash, step up to your stand and write your name!

(Ash's eyes finally adjust and he looks around, sweatdropping as everyone stares at him. Brock notices that he's not moving and strides over to him to drag him to his stand by his arm.)

Ash: Brock? Is that you?

Brock: Yup!

Ash: Why are you dressed like that? And (snickers) what'd you do to your (snicker) hair?

Brock: (running a hand through his greasy hair) I slicked it back! Do you like it? I think it makes me more Brock-som!

Ash: Brock-som?

Brock: Yeah! (leans in close and talks behind his hand, but the audience hears it anyway because of the tiny little microphone attached to his collar) Think it'll help me pick up chicks?

Ash: Er...

Brock: (stands up straight again and walks back over to his podium) Well, Ash! Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

(There's a little ding and Ash's name appears in sloppy writing on the front of his stand. Ash looks down at it, confused, then looks back up at Brock.)

Ash: Where am I?

Brock: Our gameshow!

Ash: Gameshow? What gameshow?

Brock: What gameshow is it, folks? Audience: NAME...THAT...DAD!

Ash: Whose dad?

Brock: Yours!

Ash: But I don't know my dad.

Brock: Exactly! So anyway, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Ash: Well, um, I'm thirteen years old and I'm from Pallet Town.

Brock: Anything else?

Ash: Uh, I'm gonna be the greatest Pokémon Master ever!


Brock: Right. How about we meet our contestants?


Brock: All right then. Ash, why don't you announce our first one?

(Who Wants to be a Millionaire music starts playing as the lights go dim and the spotlights focus on a gap in the now blue curtains.)


Brock: Well?

Ash: Where's Pikachu?

Brock: Never mind that now! Announce our first contestant!

Ash: But I don't know our first contestant.

Brock: Look at your cue cards!

Ash: (looking down at the tiny cards on his stand) Um...Giovanni?

Brock: YESSSS! And here he comes!


(Blue lights focus on a man in a red suit with slicked back dark hair as he walks forward with his hands on his jacket hem and a large Persian at his heels.)

Giovanni: (stepping up behind his stand and glaring at everyone until the applause stops) Thank you.

Brock: All right! Ash, who's our next contestant?

Ash: (squinting at tiny cards in the dim blue light) (looks around) Who's Mewtwo?

Brock: Our next contestant! And here he comes!

(Everyone applauds as a large purplish cat with odd fingers floats out from behind the curtains surrounded by a blue orb of light.)

Mewtwo: (floats behind his stand as orb of light disappears) SILENCE! (everyone shuts up) I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

Brock: Um...right. Ash? Our next contestant please?

Ash: Professor Oak?

(Slowly applause starts up again as an old man with half of his head blown up in a lab coat walks out waving.)

Professor Oak: Thank you, everyone! (steps behind stand) Thank you! And I'd like to remind everyone that the Pokémon Symposium will be on HBO this coming Friday at precisely 7:oo.

(Everyone stops applauding and stares at him. Crickets can be heard in the back of the room.)

Brock: That's very nice, Professor. (Professor Oak beams proudly at him) Ash?

Ash: Lugia?

Brock: Correct!

(Applause as a giant silver and white bird flies out from behind the curtains and sits behind his gigantic stand.)

Lugia: (stares at everyone until applause dies down)

Brock: Anything to say, Lugia?

Lugia: (slowly turns head to look a him) No.

Brock: All right then. Ash? Our last contestant please?


Brock: Well?

Ash: I can't read anything in this stupid blue light!

Brock: Okay. Can we have the lights back please? (Lights instantly turn back on, blue light disappears, curtains become red again.)

Ash: (blinking in the now bright light) Uh...Homlisguy?

Brock: All right! And here comes the homeless guy!

(Everyone applauds as a tall guy with black hair and brown eyes dressed in rags walks out from behind stage.)

Homeless Guy: (steps up behind stand and looks around) Where's my sandwich?

Brock: (sweatdropping) Eh heh heh, we'll um...we'll get that to you later. For now, let's get to know our contestants! Giovanni? Why don't you start?

(There's a little ding and Giovanni's name appears on the front of his stand in neat cursive writing.)

Giovanni: (looks down for a moment, then looks back up at the crowd and pets his Persian) I am the Viridian City Gym Leader.

Brock: Anything else?

Giovanni: (considers this for a minute) No.

Brock: No family?

Giovanni: No.

Brock: No favorite pets?

Giovanni: No.

Brock: Goal in life?

Giovanni: (considers for a moment) No.

Brock: Secret underground organization bent on ruling the world and capturing really strong and really rare Pokémon?

Giovanni: No, not at the moment.

Brock: Okay then! Our next contestant is...Mewtwo!

(Mewtwo's name appears in really really bad writing after a little ding.)

Brock: Um, Mewtwo? Why's your name like that?

Mewtwo: (in a modest tone) I cannot write with these fingers. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT! I WILL RULE THE WORLD WITH MY ARMY OF CLONES!

Brock: What army?


Ash: My Pokémon aren't pathetic!


Ash: I never battled you!


(Mewtwo puts his hands out in front of him and points them at Ash. Ash blinks for a minute as if waking up.)

Ash: You're a Pokémon!

Mewtwo: CORRECT.

Ash: I remember you now! You tried to take over the world!


Lugia: No.


(Starts to float upward in a blue ball of light, but Brock stops him.)

Brock: Wait! What about our gameshow?


(Mewtwo zooms up and breaks though the gameshow building's roof and zooms away.)

Brock: Um, on to our next contestant! Professor Oak? Anything to say?

(Professor Oak appears in tidy handwriting.)

Professor Oak: Yes, actually. I have made a recent breakthrough discovery in Pokémon Stone Evolution. You see, when an Evolution Stone is near a Pokémon a bond invisible to the naked eye takes place. Elements in the Stone connect rather rapidly with small cells in the Pokémon's body, therefore setting off a chain reaction with the Pokémon. The reaction then creates a chemical...

(Everyone is now falling asleep except for Ash, who in leaning in his stand with his head in his hands and listening to every word, and a guy in the audience, who is jotting everything down.)

Brock: (suddenly waking up) All right, Professor! That's! We'd love to hear all about it at the next Symposium!

Professor Oak: (bows) Thank you.

Brock: Our next contestant is Lugia! Also known as, the Great Beast of the Sea! Lugia, tell us a little bit about yourself.

(There's no little ding. Instead, LUGIA appears in letters of the Unown in front of his stand and hover there.)

Lugia: I am the Guardian. (turns head to face Ash) He is the Chosen One.


Brock: Anything else?

Lugia: No.

Brock: Well okay! Our next contestant is the homeless guy! Let's see what he has to say!

Homeless Guy: I'm hungry!

Brock: Um, right. We'll feed you after the show. Why don't you start off by telling us your name?

Homeless Guy: Cypress.

(Cypress appears after a little ding in sloppy yet neat handwriting.)

Brock: Really? That's a nice name. What's your last name?

Cypress: I'm not telling.

Brock: Why?

Cypress: They're after me.

Brock: Who?

Cypress: Team Rocket! They've been after my Pikachu for years!

Ash: I know how you feel! They won't leave my Pikachu alone, either!

(Giovanni slinks back in his seat, but no one notices.)

Brock: Well all right then! Let's start the show! We'll begin by asking five questions about Ash. You get ten points for each question answered correctly. There's a total of fifty points here, people!

Brock: The first question is...Where is Ash from?

(30 seconds go by as Jeopardy music plays in the background.)

Brock: Time's up! Giovanni? What's your answer?

(A little ding and Pallet appears on his screen.)

Brock: Correct! Ten points! Professor Oak?

(Pallet appears.)

Brock: Correct! Although I would have been a little disappointed if you got that wrong. Lugia?

(Unown letters spell SHAMUTI ISLAND in front of his name.)

Brock: Oh, no! Any reason why you chose Shamuti?

Lugia: It is where the Legend originates.

Brock: Right! That makes sense, I guess. Well then, what'd you pick, Cypress?

(Pallet appears.)

Brock: Right! How'd you know that?

Cypress: I didn't. It's where I'm from.

Brock: Well, there you have it, folks! Now I'm going to ask the next two questions in a row, but you've still got thirty seconds to answer them. Ready? Here we go!

Brock: What is Ash's mother's name and who is Ash's girlfriend?

Ash: I do NOT have a girlfriend!

Brock: Shhh! They need to concentrate!

(Thirty seconds go by.)

Brock: Well, Giovanni?

(A ding and Mrs. Ketchum and The Twerpette appear on his screen.)

Brock: Oh, I'm so sorry, but we were looking for his mother's first name, not last names and nicknames.)

Ash: That's not her nickname!

Brock: Whose?

Ash: Misty's! Her name is—oops. She's NOT my girlfriend!

Brock: Sure, Ash. Anyway, zero points to Giovanni. Professor Oak?

(Delia and ? appear.)

Professor Oak: I wasn't aware that Ash had a girlfriend.

Ash: I don't!

Brock: Just keep denying it, Ash! Anyway, you got ten points because Delia is correct! Lugia?

(Unown letters spell CHOSEN ONE'S MOTHER and MISTY.)

Brock: Misty is correct!

Ash: Is not!

Brock: How about you, Cypress?

(Ding and Delia and Misty appear.)

Brock: Wow! How did you know that?

Cypress: I watched the League games. It announced his mother. As for Misty, well, I went to Cerulean City to get a Badge and her sisters said she had left to go traveling with her boyfriend. They said his name was Ash.

Ash: She is NOT my girlfriend! We're just friends!

Brock: (ignoring Ash) Wow! Twenty points to the clever homeless guy! And now for our last questions!

Brock: What does Ash want to be when he grows up and what was his first Pokémon?

(Thirty seconds.)

Brock: Giovanni?

(Dead and Pikachu appear.)

Brock: I'm sorry, but you only got one out of two there! I'm sure Ash doesn't want to be dead! (pauses for a minute, turning to Ash) Do you?

Ash: No!

Brock: I didn't think so. Anyway, Professor Oak?

(Scientist and Pikachu appear.)

Brock: Oh, no! Didn't you know that Ash wants to be a Pokémon Master?

Professor Oak: I was aware of that, but this is still a possibility.

Brock: Ash? What'd you say?

Ash: Uh-uh.

Professor Oak: Why not?

Ash: Pokémon Training is way better!

Brock: On with the show! Lugia?

(THE CHOSEN ONE and PIKACHU appear in Unown letters.)

Brock: One out of two! It was a good guess, though!

Lugia: I thank you.

Brock: You're welcome! Cypress?

(Pokémon Master and Pikachu appear with a ding.)

Brock: Right again! How did you know?

Cypress: First of all, anyone in their right mind wants to be a Pokémon Master (ignores Professor Oak's glare) and he asked where Pikachu was earlier. He also said he wanted to be a Pokémon Master and that he was from Pallet.

Brock: Wow! The homeless guy is smart! Well, let's take a look at the score.

(A big screen appears out of nowhere and writing appears on it.)

Brock: Giovanni has twenty points! Professor Oak has thirty! Lugia has twenty and Cypress came out with a perfect score of fifty points!


Brock: Well, we're supposed to lose the one with the lowest points, but it looks there'll have to be a tie-breaker between Giovanni and Lugia to see who that will be in a sudden death!

Brock: The first to buzz in with the correct answer for this question will stay on the show! Get ready, 'cause here it is!

Brock: What is Ash's middle name?

(Lugia nudges the big red buzzer with his head and it buzzes.)

Brock: Lugia?

Lugia: Satoshi.

Brock: Correct! How did you know?

Lugia: I know everything of the Chosen One.

Brock: Um, okay. Giovanni, it's been great, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave!

Giovanni: Good! I never wanted to be here anyway! (glares at Ash and Cypress) And I WILL capture your Pikachus! I swear it! (storms off stage)

Brock: Uh, right. Next round! The same as the first with three questions all at once! And here they are!

Brock: What is Ash's true eye color? What Pokémon did he first capture? And, who did he first meet on his journey?

(Thirty seconds, this time with Who Wants to be a Millionaire music go by.)

Brock: Time's up! Professor Oak?

(Black, Caterpie, and Misty appear after a ding.)

Brock: Oh! Two out of three! Ash, what is you true eye color?

Ash: Brown.

Professor Oak: No way! They look black to me!

Brock: I'm sorry Professor, but I'm gonna have to agree with Ash on this one. You can see the brown whenever something happens to Pikachu and he gets it back and he's oh so happy and sad at the same time.

Ash: Hey!

Brock: Well it's true! 7

Ash: (grumbles)

Brock: Professor Oak, will you please step off the stage?

(Professor Oak grudgingly walks off the stage and exits through the still red curtains.)

Brock: All right! Now it's down to just two contestants; Lugia and Cypress the homeless guy!

Cypress: Hey, I do have a home you know!

Brock: (drops happy face for a second, in an interested voice) Really? Where do you live?

Cypress: I'm not telling.

Ash: Why not?

Cypress: I have a wife and son there, and I vowed never to return until I became a Pokémon Master. And I all most did, too! It's that damn Dragon Master Lance! He's got a Level fifty Dragonite! You can't beat that! (A/N: I BEAT HIM! MWAHAHAHAHA! I AM A CHAMPION!)

Brock: Really? Well, I suggest you go home.

Cypress: Why?

Brock: My dad did the same thing and he only just came home a few years ago. He was gone for ten years.

Cypress: Really? Me too! (getting serious) Hmm, maybe I should go home.

Lugia: Yes, go home. But phone them first.

Brock: Phone home!

(Everyone stares at him like he's crazy.)

Brock: Eh heh heh. Never mind. (perking up again and getting his happy-game-show-host face back on) On with the show!

Brock: For the third round we will have six guest speakers that will ask each of you a question. There are a total of six questions, three each. Whoever answers the most out of five wins!


Brock: And here we go! Our first speaker is...


Brock: Ash!

Ash: What?

Brock: Name the first guest!

Ash: How? (looks around on his stand) I don't have any more cards! (suddenly a card appears out of a slot on the front of his stand) Oh. (grabbing it) Uh, Tracey. Tracey? I didn't know he was coming.

Brock: And he won't be the first surprise! Here he comes!

(Blue spot light appears and follows Tracey as he steps out from behind the red curtain with a sketchbook in one hand and a pencil in the other)

Brock: Hello, Tracey! Will you do us the honors of asking the first question?

Tracey: (stepping up beside Brock) What? Where am I?

Brock: You're on our gameshow!

Tracey: What? No! I hate gameshows! Where's Professor Oak? He asked me to sketch a rare Pokémon and I need to do it!

Brock: That's too bad, Tracey, because right now you're on... Audience: NAME...THAT...DAD!

Tracey: Whose dad?

Ash: That's what I said.

Lugia: Excuse me.

Brock: Yes?

Lugia: I am a rare Pokémon. You may sketch me after this infernal show, if you like. I would like to end this now.

Brock: Don't you like our show?

Lugia: No. I am a Pokémon. I belong under the sea.

Tracey: Okay! Alright! I'm gonna sketch the one and only Lugia!

Brock: After you ask the question!

Tracey: Who do I ask?

Brock: Lugia, will you do the honors of going first?

Lugia: Very well.


Brock: Well?

Tracey: Where's the question?

(Suddenly another little card comes out of the slot next to Ash.)

Brock: (sweatdropping) Um, Ash? Could you bring that over please?

Ash: (grabbing that card) Alright. (begins to walk over to Brock, then sees what's on the card and stops, blushing) Wait a minute! How did you—I mean, that's not true!

Brock: (walks over to Ash and grabs the card) What isn't? (reads the card and starts laughing really hard) Ash! I never knew that!

Ash: (still blushing) That's because it isn't true! Now give me that! (tries to grab the card but Brock holds it out of reach)

Brock: Tracey! Take it and ask the question!

(Tracey runs over and takes the card and reads it while Brock holds Ash off. Suddenly he starts laughing)

Tracey: Whoa! Okay, Lugia, listen up!

Ash: No!

Tracey: (ignoring Ash) Who's picture does Ash have in his pocket at ALL times?

Ash: No one's! The writer just put that in there to be funny because she couldn't think of any other questions!

Brock: Is that so? Well then, why don't we check?

Ash: No! I mean, eh heh heh, no. It's unnecessary. Besides, it'd just waste time on your show, right?

Lugia: Must I say her name aloud?

Brock: (no longer holding Ash off because Ash has sulked back to his stand) You know the answer?

Lugia: I believe so.

Tracey: I think he should write it down and give it to us and we'll just say if it's right or not. I'm beginning to feel sorry for Ash here.

Ash: It's not true!

Brock: I agree with Tracey. Lugia? Will you please write the answer down?

Lugia: No.

Brock: Why not?

Lugia: I have no hands.

Brock: Well can you use telepathy to tell us?

Lugia: Very well. (Brock, Tracey, and Ash pause for a minute.) Brock/Tracey/

Ash: Correct!/Yup!/No!

Ash: She's NOT my girlfriend!

Brock: (walks over to his podium and shoves Tracey out of the way) Thank you, Tracey! (Tracey leaves) Our next speaker will ask Cypress a question! Ash! Announce them please!

Ash: No! I want to see the question first!

Brock: Can we do that? (two cards pop out of Ash's slot) Yes we can!

Ash: (looks at the cards) Okay, I guess this one's okay. Our next speaker-person is...Mr. Koopmann? Who's Mr. Koopmann? Is he from Johto?

Brock: No! He teaches 6th, 7th, and 8th grade science at Albers Elementary! Come on out, Koop!

(Applause as a short man with a thin mustache and short black hair covering half his head in a bowl-type cut with glasses and dressed in dress slacks and a dark blue polo shirt walks out and steps up to Brock.)

Brock: Hello, Koop!

Mr. Koopmann: (in a monotonous tone like Ben Stein's) Please don't call me that.

Brock: Can do! Well, Randy, apparently no one's heard of you here. Can you tell us a little about yourself?

Mr. Koopmann: Yes, I can. But you must promise not to call me Randy. I do not favor my first name. (clears throat) I am a teacher at Albers Elementary School, but I live about fifteen miles away. I teach science.

Brock: Anything else?

Mr. Koopmann: I have a son named Benjamin. Please don't call him Ben or Benny. His name is Benjamin.

Brock: Ookay. Anything else?

Mr. Koopmann: No.

Brock: No complaints about not living in the Pokémon world?

Mr. Koopmann: Pokémon? I've heard of them. Oh, yes, I do have one complaint. Where I live the neighborhood has been planted with gumball trees. They look very pretty most of the year, but then they shed their seeds. It is highly annoying. Every year the streets and yards are littered with tiny spiked brownish balls. It takes hours to sweep them all up. I suggest that you do research on every tree before you plant it from now on, so there will be no regrets when the seeds drop off.

(By now everyone is in a sleeping stupor, except for Lugia, who is preening his wing feathers.)

Brock: That's very (yawn) nice. Can you ask Cypress his first question?

Mr. Koopmann: Who's Cypress? (catches sight of Lugia) Oh, my! What's that?

Brock: (still waking up) A Pokémon.

Mr. Koopmann: Are those wings? They can't be! They are too short to lift it! This bird defies the law of gravity!

Lugia: Please ask your question.

Mr. Koopmann: Did that thing just talk?

Brock: Er, no. Ash? Will you bring Mr. Koopmann his question?


Brock: Ash?


Brock: Ash!

Ash: (suddenly jumps up from sleeping on his desk-er, stand) What? What'd I miss? Where's Pikachu? Where's Misty? (looks around) Hey! This isn't Viridian Forest! (suddenly remembers where he is) Oh. Right. Question. (grabs the card from the slot, reads it, brings it to Mr. Koopmann)

Mr. Koopmann: Thank you.

(Ash yawns and walks back.)

Mr. Koopmann: You never told me, who's Cypress?

Brock: The bum.

Cypress: I am NOT a bum! I'm almost a Pokémon Master!

Mr. Koopmann: Raise your hand to speak, please.

(Everyone stares at him.)

Mr. Koopmann: The question. (clears throat, in a monotonous tone) What does Ash owe Misty? (blinks) Who're Ash and Misty?

Brock: Why, they're the main characters of our show!

Mr. Koopmann: What show?

Brock: What show is it, folks?

Audience: NAME...THAT...DAD!

Mr. Koopmann: Whose dad?

Ash: (in a bored tone) Mine.

Mr. Koopmann: Don't you know who your father is?

Ash: No.

Mr. Koopmann: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

Ash: (yawning) S'okay.

Brock: Cypress? What's your answer?

Cypress: A bike?

Brock: Correct! How did you know?

Cypress: Misty's backstage. She was grumbling earlier about how Ash had better buy here a really expensive bike for coming on today.

Ash: What? Misty's backstage? (his brain processed the rest of the information) She's coming on later?

Brock: Interested?

Ash: (blushing) No! I was just...uh...curious!

Brock: Right. (turning to Mr. Koopmann) Thank you, sir. You may leave.

Mr. Koopmann: Did the last bell ring already?

Cypress: What bell?

Mr. Koopmann: The school bell.

Brock: You're not in school.

Mr. Koopmann: I'm not?

Lugia: No.

Mr. Koopmann: Then I'd better get there. There's no telling what that class of mine will try and do in my absence. (leaves)

Brock: Um, right. Out next guess will ask the next two questions! Ash?

Ash: Uh, Rudi and Danny. From the Orange Islands?

Brock: Correct! And here they come!

(Blue light follows Rudi and Danny out from behind the red curtain.)

Brock: Ash? The questions please?

(Ash gives them the questions.)

Brock: Alright! Things are finally running smoothly again! Danny? Why don't you go first?

Danny: Alright. (sees Lugia) Ohmygod! Is that the Legendary Lugia?

Lugia: (bored of everything by now) No. I'm the Easter Beagle.

Ash: What's a beagle? Is it a type of Pokémon?

Danny: (still a little suspicious, ignoring Ash's stupid question)'s the question. Where did Ash meet Misty?

Ash: What's with all of these questions about Misty?

Brock: Never mind that! Lugia? Do you have an answer?

Lugia: No.

Brock: Oooh, too bad. The correct answer is...I dunno. What is the correct answer, Ash?

Ash: I dunno.

Brock: Of course you do!

Ash: No, I don't.

Brock: Just think what Misty will do when she finds out that you can't even remember where you met.

Ash: Alright, alright! (mumbles something incoherent)

Cypress: I didn't catch that.

Ash: Rhapsody Falls! Are you happy now?

Cypress: Rhapsody Falls? Doesn't rhapsody mean ecstasy?

Brock: (ignoring Ash's blush) Why, yes it does! But let's not dwell on that! Rudi, ask Cypress your question!

Rudi: (turns to Cypress) Hey! I remember you! You're that bum that challenged me for my Badge!

Cypress: I am not a bum! I am a father and a husband and I have already beaten the Elite Four! I have a home!

Rudi: Sure you do.

Cypress: Hey! I beat you, didn't I?

Brock: Can we get on with our show here?

Rudi: Fine. How many brothers and sisters does Brock have?

Ash: What does that have to do with me?

Brock: I haven't the slightest. Cypress, your answer please?

Cypress: Ten.

Brock: That's right! Let me guess, you challenged my dad for a Badge and he took you home and gave you something to eat, which is where you met my siblings. Right?

Cypress: Yup. Boy, you're dad can cook!

Brock: Thank you. Goodbye Rudi and Danny, and thank you for coming! (no one moves) Well?

Danny: Is that all you wanted us for?

Brock: Yes.

Rudi: Alright then.

(They leave)

Brock: Okay, the score is: Lugia with one and Cypress with two. Ash, our last two guests, please?

Ash: Right. Um, Jessy and James. Wait a minute, from Team Rocket? They're coming on?

Brock: Yes they are!

(Applause as Jessy and James are shoved out from behind the curtain.)

Jessy: To protect the world from—

Brock: Um, we don't have time for that now.

Jessy: What? How dare you say there's no time for the infamous Team Rocket motto! We'll show you! Go, Ar—

(Suddenly both are surrounded by a bright blue light.)

James: Hey! I can't move!

Brock: (sighing) Thank you, Lugia!

Lugia: You are not welcome.

Brock: Right. Jessy, will you ask Lugia your question?

Jessy: Lugia? Who's Lu—(sees Lugia) Hey! That's a one-of-a-kind Pokémon! The Boss'll give us a raise for sure if we can bring it to him!

James: Um, Jessy?

Jessy: (angrily) What?

James: (in a scared voice) I can't move! I wanna go home right now!

Brock: And you can go home as soon as you ask our contestants their questions!

James: (perking up) Really? You promise?

Brock: Yes!

James: Okay! Oh, can I have a sandwich, too?

Cypress: No! I get the sandwich!

Brock: You can each have a sandwich! Just ask your questions!

(Ash walks over and hands them each a card.)

Jessy: Um, what Bird Pokémon did Ash see on the first day of his journey?

Lugia: Ho-oh.

Ash: Is that what it was?

Lugia: I believe so.

Ash: How do you know?

Lugia: I am a brilliant genius. Can I go now?

Brock: Oh, too bad, buddy. You're stuck for one more round and this round's winner is...

Audience: THE DAD!


Lugia: Very well.

(Suddenly Jessy and James are released. An arm holding a sandwich sticks out from behind the still red curtain and James runs over and grabs it. Jessy takes him by his shirt collar and drags him offstage.)

Brock: Okay! And now for our final round...


(Utter silence except for those crickets in the back.)

Ash: My ears hurt.

Lugia: Mine do not. They are simply small holes on the back of my head. I may close them at will to keep the water and sand out of them. It is a very useful part of my evolution.

Brock: (rubbing head) I have a headache! I quit! Someone else can ask the three Stupid Annoying Senseless...things! I'm leaving! (leaves)

Ash: Now who's going to host?

(Suddenly spotlight appears on now blue curtains as a drum roll sounds. Everyone watches, but nothing happens. Drum roll fades away. A struggle can be heard taking place and the curtains start moving as if someone were touching them from behind.)

Mysterious Nameless Voice From Backstage: No! I'm not hosting! I don't care if he gives me the best bike in the world because I'm NOT GOING OUT THERE!

(Suddenly someone shoves someone else out. The person gets up and stands there, blinking in the bright lights.)

Ash: Misty?

Misty: Ash? Where's Brock?

Ash: He left. He got a headache. I guess you're supposed to be the new host.

Misty: No! I told them I wouldn't host and I meant it!

Lugia: Why?

Misty: I hate gameshows!

Lugia: Why?

Misty: They take up my soap opera time.

(Everyone stares at her. Crickets can be heard.)

Misty: Ewww! There's bugs in here! (jumps on Ash) Killthemkillthemkillthemkillthemkillthem!

Ash: They're just crickets!

Misty: I don't care!

(Ash carries Misty to her podium and puts her down.)

Ash: Ignore them! They're not going to hurt you! I haven't even seen one on the show yet!

Misty: Yet!

(Ash sighs and walks back over to his stand.)

Ash: Just ask the last two questions so we can all go home.

Misty: Where are they?

(The cards pop up in front of Ash. He brings them to Misty.)

Misty: Um, okay. Who do I ask first?

Ash: Lugia.

Misty: Why?

Ash: I haven't the slightest.

Misty: (frowning) Right. Okay, um, Lugia. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Lugia: (thinks for a moment) Cookies do not go to hospitals. In my recent studies of humans I have learned that cookies are a type of sweet food that come in many different varieties. However, all are eaten, some preferably dipped in milk first. I have also learned that no one likes it when they drop their cookie in their milk because it gets soggy and makes the milk taste funny. In conclusion, cookies are a snack food and can therefore not go to the hospital. (pauses) Unless there is a type of hospital that treats cookies that I have not heard of. What is the correct answer?

Misty: It was feeling crumby.

Lugia: (considers this for a minute) Ah, yes. That too. Although I was unaware that cookies had feelings. Tell me, did you mean the gingerbread cookies? I have heard they are shaped like little men with frosting for their buttons and M&M's for their eyes and licorice for their tiny little smiling mouths and—(stops when he notices everyone staring at him) What?

Misty: Uh, nothing. Cypress? Want to hear your question? (pauses, stares at Cypress) You know, you look an awful lot like Ash. Are you related?

Ash: Uh, Misty? That's what we're trying to figure out.

Misty: Oh. Right. Okay, Cypress, how many 6-inch chocolate bars does it take to get to the moon?

Cypress: Who cares?

Misty: (squinting at cue card) Um, exactly. So why did the WB people ask it for their Sweet Stakes question? (looks up from cue card) Is that really his question?

(Card pops up in front of Ash. He brings it over to Misty. She reads it.)

Misty: Um, okay. Here's the real question. Which way does New York go? (frowns) What's a New York? No, wait. (flips it over) Here it is! Why won't Napster work?

(Before Cypress can answer another card pops up in front of Ash.)

Ash: (reading it) It says that's not the real question and that the writer's sorry for all of the really bad jokes and the stupid questions that she can't answer herself. She says this is the real question. What idiot came up with White Cheddar Cheese-It's? And why do they say that Goldfish snacks have little smiles and an eye when most of them don't?

(Another card pops up.)

Ash: (grabbing it) She apologizes again. She says she has the munchies. She promises the next question will be the real one. (another card comes up) Why are little brothers so annoying? (looks up) Seabeast! (another card) Okay, this had better be it! (takes card) Why do storks have long legs?

Cypress: Ooh! I know this! It was on Dexter's Lab the other night!

Misty: So what's the answer?

Cypress: It's so their feet can touch the ground!

Ash: (flipping card over) He's right. (another card pops up) Seabeast has another question. She wants to know if anyone can answer it.

Misty: What?

Ash: Will Bush drill for oil in Alaska? (another card) Why can't I find a picture of Veronica Taylor and Eric Stuart? (another card) If someone can assassinate Abraham Lincoln and J.F.K., two of the most heavily guarded men in the world, why can't they kill Barney? (new card) Why am I not in bed? (new card) Why won't my internet work? (card) What went through my mom's head so that she had the urge to give my three cats a bath? (card) Why does everyone like green M&M's, yet hate the brown ones? (card) When will me and Misty get togeth—(blushes) Hey!

(Cypress and audience snicker. Lugia looks around.)

Misty: (blushing) That's not funny!

Lugia:I find it humorous.

(Suddenly lights fade and a large blue spotlight shins on Cypress as a card pops up, this time in front of Misty.)

Misty: (trying to read it in the dim light) Uh, it says they got the slot fixed and that, um, Cypress wins.


Misty: It also says that Seabeast's back hurts from typing.

Ash: Um, right. So he's my dad?

Audience: YES!

Ash: Uh, okay. Now what?

Audience: GROUP HUG!

(Suddenly Ash, Misty, Cypress, and Lugia are pulled into a tight hug by some unknown force. Namely me -_-; )

Cypress: Okay, that's alright. I'll come home now and be with your mom while you go on your Pokémon journey, but only on one condition.

Ash: What?

Cypress: I get my—d(suddenly a large subway sandwich appears in Cypress's hands) Okay!

(Suddenly Brock appears next to his podium. The lights come back on to reveal that he has a giganto ice pack strapped to his head with shoelaces.)

Brock: And that concludes our show of...

Audience: NAME...THAT...DAD!


Lugia: May I have a gingerbread cookie?


AUTHOR'S NOTE I: Okay. I'm done! It is now 2:04 and I've got to get up in five hours, but oh well! I've gotten over my writer's block! So what'd you think? Bad? Yeah, I thought so too. Oh well. That's what you get for trying to write a good story at all hours of the night. Oh, and since you're obviously reading this I guess my internet's working again. Good. I hope I fix it soon. Well, anyway, I'm going to bed! Oh, one more thing. Since I'm extremely curious I'd like everyone that reviews to PLEASE put whoever they think is Ash's dad in the review. I've heard somewhere that his name was Cypress. This makes sense in one way: Ash and Cypress are both names of trees. Which makes sense. But it also makes you think. For the professors they've got Oak, Ivy, and Elm. Oh, and Westwood, if he counts. What's next? Walnut? Cherry? Personally, I believe it will be Birch, but…

ANOTHER NOTE II: I've heard somewhere that Rhapsody Falls is where Ash and Misty met. I don't argue with it because I've looked on all my GameBoy maps of Kanto and there is NO river between Pallet and Viridian. So anyway, I typed it up in Microsoft Word and it didn't have that jagged red line under it that meant it was spelled wrong, so I looked it up in the dictionary. It had a few meanings, one of them had to do with ancient Greece. o.O? I picked the ecstasy one because that means happiness or...something.

NOTE TO MY FAVE TEACHER IN THE WORLD, MR. KOOPMANN: I mean no offense to you! You are the best! I wish I still had you next year! You are my favorite teacher right now! So PLEASE don't sue me for putting you in here! (As if you read Pokémon fan fiction anyway.)

Okay, I realize that I'm babbling. I'm going to stop now. Good bye! And don't forget to review! Oh, and put whoever you think Ash's dad is in the review!