Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. As my dear friend, WanderingAnariel would say, that's slavery, and slightly illegal.
I got a little burned out writing Harry Potter fics, so I watched the entire first season straight through today, and I couldn't get this one-shot out of my mind. Not long, just some musings. Enjoy.
I hid in the shadows, not that anyone could see me anyway. Still, old habits die hard, and I still had trouble sometimes remembering that one crucial fact that had changed the course of my entire life. Did I mention it? I'm dead.
I know now that a lot of people, after having been killed violently, return as vengeful ghosts and spirits. Well, you can't die much more violently than I did, but somehow, I never wanted vengeance. The only thing I could blame for my death can't be killed by me, and I knew that there wasn't anything anybody else could do. Oh, I know that Sam blames himself for my death, but he shouldn't. Dreams are just dreams, and he couldn't have known that what he saw in his sleep would come true.
Like I said, I never wanted vengeance. All I wanted to do was make sure that Sammy was okay. He never knew that I used to call him Sammy in my mind; he always hated it when somebody called him that. Still, it just seemed so much more appropriate than just Sam. Sam is short, and a little cold, not like my warm and affectionate boyfriend.
He was always so paranoid about keeping me safe, which meant never telling me about his past. I used to get so angry with him when he wouldn't talk to me about his family. I wish now that I hadn't given him such a hard time about it; nagging wasn't fair to him. He was just doing the best that he could.
Not much was explained to me when I crossed from my old life. I was just told that I was dead, and that there were certain limitations to what I could do. I could still affect the living world, but at a price to myself. And because I didn't choose to become a violent spirit, I was only given one chance to show myself to anybody that was alive. One chance, and then I would be forced to remain invisible.
I planned it carefully; one chance in eternity is not something to be spent lightly. It was difficult, trying to decide who to reveal myself to, and what to do with that chance. Should I reveal myself to my mother, my sister? But I knew inwardly that if I did that, they would never recover. My mother would think she was insane, and I couldn't bring anymore pain to them. Sam and Dean dealt with the supernatural everyday, and I knew that my appearing as a spirit would either be really comforting-or supremely unsettling.
I suffered everyday as Sam mourned my death, as his debilitating dreams and guilt threatened to consume him. I loved Dean then as I certainly hadn't when he had broken into Sam's and mine apartment. He took care of Sammy, and kept him safe and sane. Still, I knew that if I showed myself to Dean, he would probably shoot at me with rock salt, which would hurt like crazy. Even though I'm dead, I'm not too eager to be shot.
Finally, I knew the day had come, the time to make myself known. Sam had just defeated Bloody Mary, and in the process learned how to forgive himself for my death. I smiled as tears ran down my face in the moment when he told Charlie to forgive herself. That's what I wished for Sammy, for the chance for some peace. Yes, go after the demon that killed me, but do it for the right reasons.
He drove down the road, and I positioned myself on the sidewalk. What would this moment be like, this chance that I was giving up for all of eternity?
He looked out his window as I willed myself into existence. I watched his eyes focus in disbelief as he saw me, and I felt the sun fall brightly on my face. Tears welled up in his eyes as I gave him a wink. I wanted that wink to tell him so much-that I was okay, that I was happy, and I didn't blame him. It was time to move on with his life, and I hoped that seeing me would give him some small release.
I could read my name in his eyes, could practically hear it through the strength of his mental cry. "Jess? Is that you?"
I couldn't say anything, and I knew that my time was running out. Poor Sammy, he could only think of the dark side of life. I knew that he probably thought I was a lady in white, or some such nonsense. He still has so much to learn about the white side of the supernatural. There are demons, yes, but there are also angels. I pray that in him seeing me, he could feel that somehow. I felt my cheeks lift in a sweet smile as I slowly faded from view.
My smile said many things. I'm here for you, Sammy. I love you so much, but it's time for you to move on.
My eyes gave him one more message. I'm not going to leave you. I'll be your angel, Sammy.
And I've never left him.