Going Under

I don't own anything.

I don't usually write codas or add-ons to episodes but HEART just broke mine and I'm wondering if any of us will recover from that one?

Warning – Character Death

The church was quiet and peaceful; the scent of incense and fresh flowers lingering in the air. Sam felt a little guilty breaking into 'the house of God' but he hoped that God would understand, in fact he was sure that God would understand but he wasn't sure that anyone else would.

Sam sat at the back of the church, his head bowed. He glanced down at the gun that was hanging limply between his fingers; the gun that had killed Madison; the gun that had saved Madison.

Sam swallowed hard. The minute that he had pulled the trigger he suddenly understood the burden he had placed on Dean. 'Promise me' his constant mantra 'Promise me you'll look out for me – and if I ever turn into anything I'm not …'

His brother had promised but Sam knew now that Dean would never do it. Dean could never; would never hold a gun to Sam's head and pull the trigger; it would be too hard, too painful, too much.

Sam bit his lip so hard that he could taste blood; he stared at the gun turning it over and over in his hands. He hadn't wanted to do it, he hadn't wanted to put a weapon to that beautiful woman's chest and end her life, but she had begged him to, pleaded with him to. Madison didn't want to live as a monster and neither did Sam.

How many people had died now in their quest for the demon? His mom, Jess, his father, Pastor Jim, Caleb, Meg. The list was endless, limitless and they were no nearer to the yellow eyed bastard than they were when they started all this. Sam was tired, so fucking tired and his head hurt. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe. He tried to recall the last time he had been happy; the last time he had REALLY laughed. He tried to remember a time when his stomach didn't ache and his heart didn't hang heavy in his chest. He bent his head for a moment, closing his eyes 'Please Lord' he whispered, softly 'Please take this burden away from me"

Sam's whirling thoughts turned to his brother, lying in the motel room, his eyes closed, his face peaceful and relaxed. There were lines on Dean's face now and Sam swore he could see the first threads of grey in Dean's hair. Sam had watched his brother slowly break; seen the pain and confusion in his eyes when learnt of his dad's deal. 'What's dead should stay dead' was Dean's own personal mantra and Sam knew his brother was referring to himself. Sam had seen Dean's tear stained face when he had been forced to end Madison's life; he had seen the agony in Dean's expression. His brother was as tired and as strung out as he was and it didn't seem right that they should continue to suffer in this way.

God – all he had ever wanted was to be normal – to lead an ordinary, boring, run-of-the mill life. He hadn't longed for fame and fortune, hadn't prayed for anything beyond redemption and yet he couldn't get a break, couldn't seem to escape out of this endless, wearing cycle of revenge, destruction and death.

'Everyone around me dies' he had been drunk, clinging to his brother, his last lifeline to sanity, but he had meant what he said and it was clearly true. He couldn't change it – but he could stop it.

His fingers tightened on the handle of the gun and he lifted it up, staring at it, a smile touching his ravaged features. This was the gun he had used to save Madison, the gun he had used to save Dean. It had been painless for both of them; the first a close range shot to the chest, the second through a soft pillow whilst his brother slept. When Sam saw the look of peace on Dean's face – he knew he had done the right thing – and now all it needed was one last shot.

"Forgive me" Sam whispered, as he knelt in the darkness, his hands sure now on the trigger. He had saved at least two souls tonight – now all he needed was to save his own.