Disclaimer; I do not own Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, God, or any related characters. All intellectual properties remain with their creators.
Hogwarts had been enjoying a relatively peaceful year as spring blossomed in Scotland. The Second War was starting to heat up but for thanks to the constant vigilance of the Order of the Phoenix, the students within Hogwarts had been spared the fear and uncertainty that was beginning to settle in across the country. Unlike the previous five years, it seemed that there was no sinister plot unfolding behind the scenes, and with the notable exceptions of Harry's weekly disappearing act almost nothing weird going on.
That's not to say that Harry's trips were well known to the other students, but those who's self appointed duty it was to watch over him were beginning to get annoyed. Every week he would disappear after dinner on Thursday and reappear Friday morning, sleeping in most of his free time on those days. Lupin knew where he was going and could describe the place, Ron and Hermione were able to tell them how he got there, but all attempts to access this mysterious pub without Harry seemed to come up empty. They tried every method they could think of; even asking for the pub by name (thanks to a book of matches discovered in Harry's laundry) yielded only a stone wall and no door.
It was the middle of April by the time the first Potter Incident was noticed by the school at large. Ron and Hermione were arguing about some trivial aspect of magical history while Harry looked on with a smile, eating his sausage. He'd taken care to cultivate an enigmatic smile after spending so much time with the Silent One. He found that people were more apt to tell him what he wanted to know if he pretended to already know it. Dumbledore didn't want to admit it, but it freaked him out in a major way.
Into this scene burst a ten foot tall pillar of flame. A powerful and commanding voice boomed over the quiet breakfast, "BEHOLD THE METATRON, HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD! BEHOLD THE METATRON, HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!"
"Oh for crying out loud Voice, cut the theatrics and get to the point," Harry pushed aside his plate and mentally prepared himself. "So I take it Sally wants to cash in on one of the favors I owe Her?"
The flames died down to reveal a handsome man in a perfectly tailored suit, an impressive set of wings protruding from his back. "Sally? Don't you mortals have any respect for the Almighty any more?"
"Well what am I supposed to call Her?" Harry shrugged. "Allah is Arabic. Elohim, Adonai, and Yahweh are all Hebrew. Not to mention they are all male. I figure Sally, Ellen, Abby, and Yaz are the best I can do in English. She's never complained about it."
The rest of the school looked on, completely shell shocked as Harry argued with an Angel and claimed to be on a first name basis with God. Professor McGonagall was beginning to consider alcoholism as a hobby, and Snape took this as all the proof anyone needed about the boy's arrogance and delusional nature.
"Whatever," The Voice muttered. "Back to the business at hand. The Lord God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, King of Kings and Lord of Lords…"
"Can we skip through to the good bits?" Harry motioned to him to hurry up. "If we started comparing titles we'd be here all day. What does she want me to do and what Favor is she calling in?"
Hermione began going into a near seizure. Harry was weird, she'd known this from the first time she'd read his name in a book, but there were limits to what even a well prepared mind could handle. Not to mention that, being raised in the muggle world, she had just a slight bit better grasp of what exactly she was witnessing than the rest of the Hall.
"Fine," The Voice sighed, "You know I only get to come down here and do the whole entrance thing every hundred years or so and you just have to keep interrupting me… Next month the Pope will be having his seventy fifth birthday and God wants to make it special. Since you're a bit more in touch with the times than some of the people Upstairs, She's asking you to make sure it is a day he'll never forget. She said to give you this and let you know you have her full support for any special effects."
Harry took the golden chip the Voice handed him and checked the back for his name. "No problem, let me see what I can come up with. Tell Her I'll bring my plans the week after next at the usual place?"
The Voice nodded and vanished in another column of fire. The Great Hall sat in stunned silence. One of the muggleborn first years was the first to break the silence, "Wow, a mission from God!"
"Just a little one, it's nothing to get excited about."
"Harry?" Hermione asked gently, as if she doubted his sanity, "God, THE God, sends an angel to give you a task and you say it's nothing to get excited about?"
"It's a birthday party," Harry told her. "Sally knows I can handle it, and I've got a pretty good idea of what I'll end up doing anyway. When did you suddenly become religious?"
"Honestly, did you somehow miss the fact that you were talking an Angel?" She pointed wildly to the scorched circle on the floor. "I don't know why of all the people in the world God wants you to do it though. I would expect God to ask a priest or vicar or someone Holy like that."
"Probably because I understand what a Pope needs," Harry furrowed his brow trying to remember something.
"How would you be able to understand the Pope? He's the head of the Catholic Church and lives a life of piety."
"Well I'm kind of a Pope for Eris so, you know, one Pope to another and all that." Harry's eyes lit up and he headed for the Ravenclaw table to find Luna. "I just remembered something I was supposed to tell you."
"Is it about the heffalumps? Because I already took care of that." Luna looked at something slightly above and behind his left shoulder.
Harry pulled out the Apple of Discord and made sure his hat was on crooked. "The goddess Eris is pleased with your family. The snorkacks only live in Norway during the winter, the rest of the year you'll find them in Guyana."
Luna smiled as he bounced the apple off of her head.
"You are now ordained as a Genuine and Authorized Pope of Eris. You are allowed to claim infallibility at any time, even retroactively. Be full of fruit and derive, remember not to eat hot dog buns on Friday." Harry tapped his chin. "Did I forget anything?"
"How about that you just got a mission from God and now you're just making stuff up? I may not be a vicar but I'm pretty sure there was a rule about not having other gods?" Hermione pointed out.
"I'm not making this up. Surely you know what this is?" He handed her his Apple. "And aside from talking with the Big Guy Himself, or Herself depending on the occasion, that outdated rule said no other gods. It never mentioned goddesses, which is good news because there are a couple who owe me big time."
While Hermione was busy trying to deny the Apple's existence and Luna was busy renaming most of her housemates, Ron took his chance to ask a question. "If the gods really exist and they owe you, why not have them take care of You-Know-Who for you?"
"Well it's not exactly a polite thing to do. You'd never ask me to go murder someone for you, so why should I ask that one of my friends?" Harry shrugged as if it were obvious. "I'd do anything to have this whole war magically put behind me, but I'm not about to ask someone else to do it for me."
As if his words were brought to life, a sound not unlike a slot machine hitting jackpot echoed through the Great Hall and seven black chips fell to the floor around Harry.
A young woman in a pant suit with blonde hair and piercing green eyes walked through the doors and held out her hand, causing a chip to fly across the room. Her voice captivated everyone who heard it, "Ding, ding, ding! He finally said the magic words Ladies!"
All of a sudden the air was full of special effects which were out there even by Wizarding standards. A tall curvy brunette dressed in a toga descended through the air on a whirlwind of pink paper hearts. A thunderbolt crashed and another appeared wearing silver and gold armor, sword held high. A redhead gave a shrill war cry as she flew down from the rafters on black wings, wielding a scythe. Two bone dice bounced across the floor before exploding into a dust cloud which parted to reveal a black haired goddess in a red dress. Luna suddenly sneezed and Eris came bouncing out of her nose on a pogo stick. Finally a barefoot woman in a silver dress walked up behind the blonde.
Harry paled as he looked at the ladies who summoned his black favors. Xander tried to warn him about wishes and careless words but now he was in over his head. "Oh crap…"
"You heard him Ladies," Ilona Coggswater announced. "He'll do anything to have this war ended. Nemesis, Athena, do either of you have a particular way you want to do this?"
"Well normally I leave the rash actions up to Ares but in this case," Athena raised her sword in the air and gave a shout, "Let's kick some ass!"
The other goddesses gave various noises of agreement and there was a rush of women running towards the front of the Hall, and one bouncing happily. Nemesis and the Silent One however walked calmly over to Harry. Harry was looking around desperately for anything he could find. He looked to the Headmaster, "Help?"
Dumbledore broke himself free of the mornings visitors and shook his head sadly. "I wish I could Harry, but you know the saying. Hell hath no fury…"
"Like a woman scorned," Nemesis completed it for him. "Don't worry Harry, we won't bite. Unless you want us to that is… Well Sally shall we do this before the others get to him?"
The Silent Goddess nodded and brought her hands together in a great clap! When the light faded, Voldemort was standing before her without a wand. Nemesis snapped her fingers and he found himself tied and kneeling before a chopping block. Harry just looked at him, his mouth hanging open, as Nemesis passed him an axe.
"And this part you must do for yourself," Nemesis and the Silent Goddess both put a hand on his shoulder. "It is not murder, this is Justice for all those he killed. Give him Justice."
No one dared look away as Harry Potter raised the executioner's axe, but many closed their eyes as it came crashing down. A few horrified cries and a solid thud announced the end of Tom Riddle.
"The deeds of men do no go unnoticed. You have been warned of what happens when you challenge the gods. Power is nothing without compassion. Be Kind." Nemesis turned back to Harry. "Now come along, we've got a few hours before the rest realize we ruined their epic battle."
Harry dropped the axe, not noticing it dissolved to vapor before it ever reached the floor. He took back his Apple as the two goddesses lead him towards the door, a sick look still on his face.
"And that's how it happened," Harry finished his third miraculously generated whiskey in a row. "And I'll never live it down. They decided that it's my job now."
"Better you than me man," Xander said with some relief. "So where do you want to put the door?"
Harry gestured to the wall between the pinball machine and the stairs to the rest room, a door upholstered with red leather and brass buttons appeared. A small sign was placed at eye level, "No minors allowed past this point."
"Does that work for you?" he asked. "I never did understand the name they chose though. Does the name Seventeen Tables Lounge mean anything to you?"
Xander paled considerably, "It means I'm very glad that's your job now and not mine."
"Actually," Harry snickered as he dropped a collection of gold chips on the bar, all the chips he and the goddesses had gathered over the past year. "I think you'll find that it's your job too, now that it's a business favor and all. Ladies night is every Tuesday."
Laughing as his friend tried to find words to express the depths of his horror Harry Potter, newly created Lord of Magic and God of Exotic Dancers, walked through the door to his club in Hogsmeade. He wondered if Fleur Delacour had a job…