A/N: Bwahaha! I have started a new story, I twas bored and decided to finish this one. This on has a MATURE CONTENT WARNING. This is a fanfiction relating to fanfictions and also containing many pairings and crackness. I'm not even sure it's going to have a major pairing at all! OH WELL! I'm pretty sure this is going to end up having some citrus in it, if this chapter isn't any indication of that at all. I'm not sure I like how the writing style turned out, but I was pretty lenient with myself because this is just some on the side fic I'm going to do. It's not my top priority, so don't expect it to be updated often. I'll try my best if you think it's any good though!

Here goes!

A/N: I in no way own Naruto or any of the fanfictions and blah, not to mention SPOILER WARNINGS MAJOR ONES!!! LIKE UP TO DATE ONES!! SO BEWARE!

The Life and Times of Sakura Haruno

by read-n-review

Chapter One:

My Pairings

'You know what I've noticed lately?' thought 16 year-old, Sakura Haruno as she sat at her computer desk in her small apartment room. 'I have a LOT of pairings.'

Recently, she had been browsing the internet in search of 'medical' information and had come across an interesting Web site: It had just happened to come up in the search engine somehow, and she found herself looking through the Anime/Manga section and had discovered that the lives of the people in Konoha were being described by people who had no lives themselves! It was amazing what crazy stories these people came up with! She wasn't even sure she wanted to know what all the Rated M ones were about. She had read one disturbingly accurate fanfiction describing her and Itachi Uchiha, the author of the story was 'MangenkyouSharinganUserItachi'. It was so ironic how his name matched the character in the story and how the author new almost every detail about her anatomy. It was scary, because it's not like Itachi Uchiha knew anything about HER anatomy... cough. The point here was, that Sakura Haruno was SO a virgin!! Er, no.. that wasn't it... The POINT was, she had a lot of pairings.. a lot of them very scary and disturbing on sooooo many levels she knew. Let us list them:

1. Sakura Haruno, was soooo not into girls.

2. Sakura Haruno, still may have a liiittttlllleee crush on Sasuke Uchiha.

3. Sakura Haruno, may have a slight crush on his incredibly hunky older brother Itachi Uchiha.

4. Oh, but Sakura Haruno was soooo not a slut either, just surrounded by very good looking men.

5. Inner Sakura had to agree with Sakura Haruno on that one as well.

There were probably other points to be made, but she got sidetracked on how good they would all look popping out of her birthday cake. Mmmmm yummy.. There were just so many pairings it was unbelievable! She had pairings with people who already had boyfriends or girlfriends! It was pathetic! She had even seen Kyuubi pairings! What was that about? It's a fox demon people! It probably try to kill her for food or something, and you want her to get intimate with that??? ARE YOU NUTS??? I think we will catagorize her options she has been dubbed, shall we? We shall...

These are the slightly twisted, disturbingly out there, pairings:


1. Anko, 2 fanfictions, comment: Why Anko?? I don't understand!! She seems straight to me.. Don't I seem straight to you people?? WHAT ABOUT FREAKING SASUKE?? KAMI, I ONLY PINED AFTER HIM FOR HOW MANY YEARS?? At least 6..

2. Hinata, 11 fanfictions, comment: ... Hinata has a FREAKING crush on NARUTO! Although... it does make me wonder.. I mean she's only shy around guys... I wonder...


Well that's all for girls at least... but still that's pretty wrong she had to say. Especially, when there were still so many good looking guys out there.

Drool slowly fell onto her keyboard as she fell into fantasy. She awoke with a start as some hit her lap and she hastily wiped her mouth and keypad with her shirt, 'Eeeeew, that's disgusting!' Quickly and very paranoid she looked around her apartment to make sure no one had seen. Her eyes shifted back and forth and landed on her window. Her BLINDS WERE OPEN!!!! Oh no! What if a passing ninja had seen?? What if they decided it would be funny to take a picture and blackmail her into something?? Oooo, she'd be screwed then, 'So,' she decided 'I should probably close those then..' Slowly, she walked over to her window that conveniently sat next to a tree. Said tree, was conveniently covered in thick foliage and only someone sitting in the tree would be able to see into her apartment. 'Oh, well, I doubt someone will just sit in my tree just to watch me type at my computer, so I guess I can just leave the blinds open. I mean it is an awfully nice night outside right now. I think I'll even open up the window!' With a small smile on her face, she opened the medium sized window and the cool night air wafted through into the small apartment bedroom. She let out a nice sigh as the wind cooled off her skin. "There, now where was I?" she questioned herself as she sat back at her computer desk, oblivious to the eyes watching her from her tree, and the video cameras set up in and around her apartment to watch her. Er, did I type that down? No, no! There were no video cameras!! Nooooooo...

Alright, for the rest of the twisted, disturbingly out there pairings:

Dead People:

1. The Fourth Hokage, 1 fanfiction, comment: Oh WOW. This fanfiction literally said that I actually go back in time and fall in love with the remarkably handsome Fourth Hokage.. as random as this fic is I actually wouldn't mind that... hahaha.. um—just--kidding? I mean he certainly wasn't THAT pretty or anything! Come on!!

2. Haku, 1 fanfiction, comment: ...I don't even remember what this one was about, but I certainly would never do anything with this guy.. in fact .. I wonder if I should put him into the girls category... stupid prettier than me cross-dresser...

3. Hayate, 1 fanfiction, comment: Hm.. I really don't know what to say about this one. I didn't really know the guy personally, he just was kind of there as the Chuunin exam proctor the first time we all took it together.. Oh well, it was a lemon.. something about people and me being a naughty nurse or something jeeze... I take my job very seriously you know people!!!

4. Sasori, 13 fanfictions, comment: Hmm… Sasori of Suna? See, even though he was part of the Akatsuki, I couldn't help but notice how devilishly handsome he had been for a doll-boy thing. Seriously though, he was HAWT. Shame she had to kill him.

Sakura chuckled to herself as she sat at the computer. There were still many other pairings she had to go through before she actually got to the ones that mattered (a.k.a. Sasuke, Itachi, etc.) Honestly, she hadn't heard anything of Sasuke since the last time they had run into him. Even then he had seemed cold and distant. It chilled her to know that deep down, the old Sasuke could gone. Sakura knew he was smart, he was a prodigy, just like his brother; she only hoped he realized that Orochimaru could only give him jutsus for so long. She had figured this out years ago. It didn't take a genius to figure it out really—maybe Naruto couldn't, but hey, he'd gotten a little smarter. At least that little puck Konohamaru had. She was still fuming over that prank he pulled on her in front of everyone. It was times like this she was glad she had an almost photographic memory. Oohhhhhhh, damn that kid, but bless him at the same time. Sasuke on top of Sai like that--- INSTANT ORGASM!

She shuddered involuntarily out of pleasure, she may have to ask him to transform like that again. Hahahahahahahahaha yeah right! Like she'd ever admit and/or beg for him to do that transformation again or any other similar transformations remotely close to that one.

She could think of soooo many pairings she could do… Wait a second! She knew the Shadow Clone Jutsu! She could do it herself!!! Of course, it may take some guts to try it, but come on… it couldn't be that bad right? She was a teenager, she was aloud to FEEL!!!

Maybe, she should keep it small for now.

"Fanfictions should satiate my ravaging teenage hormones." Sakura said to herself as she placed her closed fist onto her palm.

"Now let's see, what pairing should I look into first?" Oh, she knew what to look up. Konohamaru gave her the idea! It wasn't her fault; well she couldn't give all the credit to the little twerp. She had been into Yaoi ever since Ino had showed it to her when they were 13. It was just so damn hot! Ever since that night, Sakura had found herself imagining what different boys would look like together.

Usually, it revolved around all the pretty ones, but hey, all the pretty ones were in Konoha. It wasn't her fault. In actuality having all those pretty guys around did little for her self-esteem. You try comparing yourself to them! WE'LL SEE HOW FAR YOU GET WHEN YOUR BOOBS ARE STILL THE SAME SIZE OF WHEN YOU WERE FOURTEEN!!! IT'S NOT COOL MAN! NOT COOL! Of course, she had grown women-wise. Not as grown as Ino; stupid pig. Ino didn't deserve her body! IT WASN'T FAIR!

She only wished that she had some sort of fan-club like the ones she found of Sasuke, Naruto, Neji, Gaara, Itachi, Kakashi, the list goes on (but not by much). She had looked for hours trying to find a club dedicated to her, but had found absolutely no traces.

Sakura sighed to herself, before getting up and walking into her bathroom to take a shower before going to bed. She had a long shift ahead of her tomorrow, and she was absolutely tired and depressed about her non-existent fan-clubs.

As the shower ran in the bathroom across the apartment, a lone-figure moved through the window and stalked up to Sakura Haruno's computer. It touched the mouse and moved through various complicated documents and websites before touching it's ear and talking into the mouth piece located on it's head.

"Sketch to base; Sketch to base do you copy?"

A static covered voice filled the receiver, "We hear you loud and clear Sketch, what is the current status?"

"Data is safe, she has no clue. In fact the hag actually thinks she doesn't have one. I'll return to base, send over the next watch. Sketch out."

"Roger that, Base out."

Sakura walked out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her slim body as her wet shoulder-length hair dripping onto the hard-wood floor. She noticed her window was still open and walked over to close it. The cold summer night made her shiver as she shut and locked it tightly, drawing the curtains down. Someone was in the room with her, that much she knew, but her skills as a ninja told her to continue on like nothing was wrong and so she walked over to her bedside dresser and pulled out some undergarments and set them on her western-style bed. Her underwear accidentally fell off the side and landed slightly underneath. Gently, she bent down to pick them up and stood slowly; pulling them up her muscular legs, and fit them snugly onto her hips. She turned slightly as to not bring suspicion to herself and placed a nightgown slowly over her head as her towel dropped to the floor. 'Whoever is watching me better be enjoying the view.' she thought bitterly as she layed down.

'This chakra signature, who is it? I can't place this feeling I get when they're here...' The person in the room with her didn't move; if they wouldn't do anything, she wouldn't do anything, she decided as she leaned over to set her alarm for early the next morning. 'Whoever they are, they certainly seem content to just sit there and watch. I'm just too tired to care and they don't seem to be posing a threat.'

Her breathing slowed and she faked sleep by slowing down her heart beat with a skill she had picked up from Tsunade. She had perfected the skill, just like every other jutsu she had ever learned and the person seemed to buy it as she felt their chakra signature come closer to her bed.

A deep masculine voice she couldn't quite place drifted down to her, it sounded oddly familiar.

"I know you're faking kunoichi. Quite a nice skill you picked up though, no need to worry, we don't pose a threat to you, yet."

The pink-haired girl felt a passionate kiss placed upon her open lips; a brush of a moist tongue dashed across her lower lip before it disappeared just as quickly. She sprung up from her postion on the bed and looked around frantically searching for the now-missing chakra signature. Her hand subconsciously went to her lips as her previously slowed heart now pounded in her chest. Her first kiss, whoever they were, had taken it, but wow. Even if it hadn't been more than a few seconds, it sure had been something! In a daze she fell backwards into her mattress and tried in vain to fall asleep before her shift at the hospital started tomorrow morning.

Of course, you try falling asleep when a seductive voice and a haunting kiss were stuck floating around your head. There was no doubt in her mind that this man was handsome. She wondered if she would meet him again. Not like it mattered, right? Not like she wanted a stalker, it's not like her whole life was going to change with that one simple kiss from a complete stranger in her home, in the middle of the night. It's not like it was going to make her ravaging teenage female-hormones any further out of whack than they already were. It's not like now that this plot was going to go completely to nowhere in particular; based on different pairings, but mainly revolving around ones that are the most popular and be taking so many different ideas from a lot of fanfictions because there were hardly any original ideas left! No! None of these things could possibly come true! Right?

A/N: I have no clue, don't ask. Honestly I don't, I didn't even know how I was going to finish the chapter. Not to mention the way I write is always changing depending on my current mood. I hate that, but it's true. If you find any spelling errors... my bad. I wrote all of this on a laptop and sometimes it messes me up without me noticing so I apologize in advance. I'll also be adding more of the odd Sakura pairings in the next chapter. I always do my homework, unless it's actual school work... hahahahahahaha that's a good one.. doing school work...

Like I Said, Mature Content Warning, Spoiler Warning, And No Money-Making, This Is For The Enjoyment Of The Fans And Readers,


Yours Truly,

read-n-review v.

((it's what you people don't do enough of))