A Ridiculous X-Files Story.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters....Blah blah blah blah blah everybody's tired of having to read these (never mind write them) before they get to the actual story. I mean, come on, you already knew I had nothing to do with the X-Files didn't you? I do however technically own Agent Smith, although he was in the Matrix so......That's kind of a grey area. I also own 'Neo'. I mean, who says its the exact same character from the Matrix? Ooh, Gilbert's mine too. Totally.

Spoilers: Do you really care?

Summary: Ohhhhhhhhh.....Do I have to? Well, I'm just gonna make this story up as I go along, so don't be surprised if it sucks. Doggett realises he's in love with Scully, Just as Mulder also realises he loves her. Uh-oh. This isn't as soppy as it sounds, as usual I have reverted to a comedy story. So, what's gonna happen in it? I haven't really decided yet, although I know it's gonna involve lots of traps being set and arguments. Cool.


Chapter One:

Agent John Doggett sighed and put his feet up on the desk. He couldn't be arsed to do work anymore. It was boring. He knew he couldn't go on forever pretending that he'd 'written his report', or 'done his paperwork', but he didn't really care. He actually wanted Skinner to come in and find him lazing around doing sod all, so that he'd finally catch on to the fact that he was bored out his mind.

Someone knocked on his door.

"Come in!" Doggett called, resting his hands behind his head and staring up at the ceiling.

"Agent Doggett?" A voice asked. Doggett looked across his desk to see Scully standing by the doorway, giving him a strange look. "What are you doing?"

"I was sitting here, not doing my work," Doggett told her honestly. "You got a problem with that?"

"Well I haven't, but I think Skinner will," Scully replied. Doggett smirked defiantly.

"Skinner?" He scoffed smarmily. "Who gives a toss about what Skinner says?"

"Is there something wrong, Agent Doggett?"


"Well you're acting kinda strange," Scully replied, staring into his eyes.

"I'm just tired of this crappy office. I mean, I enjoyed stealing it off that Smarmy git Mulder, but now, oh.....I dunno, the novelties worn off I suppose," Doggett explained.

"Yes, well, anyway," Scully said trying to change the subject. She came further into the office and the door shut behind her. "Haven't you done the field report on that case yet?"

"Are you kidding? Hell no," Doggett replied, laughing. "Skinner can stick that field report up his-."

"Doggett, we needed that field report," Scully reminded him sternly. "Didn't you find it in your 'to do' pile?"

Doggett looked shocked.

"I have a 'to do' pile?" He asked, his mouth wide open.

"Well, yeah," Scully answered, glancing in the direction of a mountain of paper next to Doggett on his desk. Doggett's eyes slid sideways and he finally realised the stack of files and paperwork. There was a big sign on the top, reading, 'Doggett's To Do Pile'.

"Oh," Doggett sighed, feeling an idiot. "I guess that explains a lot. Where the hell is Mulder today anyway?"

"He's having a day off," Scully told him, shuffling some paper she was holding in her hands. "He got stuck in that kiddies slide at the park, remember?"


"And the firemen had to cut the slide open to get him out," Scully continued trying to jog his memory. Doggett screwed up his face, trying to think back to the day before........

Flashback of the previous day begins here.................

"Woohoo, look at me children!" Mulder yelled as he climbed to the top of the snake slide. A crowd of little kids looked up at the crazy man standing at the top of the steps.

"Mulder get down from there!" Scully yelled swinging open the gate to the park. Doggett followed close behind. Scully leapt into the park, the gate slamming behind her, just as Doggett tried to enter the park. The gate hit Doggett, sending him flying backwards.

"Owwwwwwwwww!" He cried in pain. "That hurt!"

Meanwhile, Mulder was preparing to go down the slide.

"Are you ready little kids?"

A crowd of toddlers began to shout and cheer him.

"Are you ready to rock!"

The kids cheered louder.

"I said, are you ready to rock?!"

"Yeah! Go Mulder!" The little two year olds chanted.

"Mulder rocks!"

Mulder signalled and waved to the crowd of infants and sat down, ready to slide.

Scully raced to the bottom of the steps, red in the face.

"Mulder!! What the hell are you doing?! Get down right now!"

Doggett appeared beside her, limping from being hit hard in the leg.

"Yeah," he panted, out of breath. "You heard the lady! Get down!"

"I'm sorry, but my fans are waiting," Mulder replied, smiling at the kids. Before Scully and Doggett could do anything to stop him, he had leapt down the slide which was obviously way too narrow for him to get through. Scully and Doggett held their breath, hoping he would make it. Suddenly, there was a painful cracking sound as the slide twisted sharply to the right.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" Mulder yelled, as he lay crumpled and twisted in the slide. "Help!"

Some little kids began to cluster around the foot of the snake slide, laughing and cheering. Mulder noticed them standing there and began to shout.

"I said help you little buggers! Don't you know anything! Get me down at once you stupid little gits!! Don't just stand there, call the fire brigade!! Ahhhhhh! My back! Oh, the pain!!".............................

Flashback ends........

Doggett laughed to himself.

"Oh yeah, now I remember," he said. "I remember how you swung that bloody gate into my leg aswell!"

"Sorry," Scully apologised, glancing up at Doggett.

"Doesn't matter," Doggett replied smiling, remembering Mulder's escapade. "What the hell were you doing coming into my office anyway?"

Scully shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm your partner," she said sarcastically. "Or maybe it's because Skinner told me that if you didn't get some bloody work done, he was gonna kick you out the bureau so fast-."

"Hey, Scully, take a chill pill," Doggett told her, leaning back in his chair again. "Skinner doesn't scare me. Bats, yes, but Skinner?" Doggett shook his head. "No way."

"Anyway, Doggett, I've got work to do now. If you don't wanna work, fine, but I need this field report. You understand?"

Doggett looked up into his partners eyes and smiled warmly. "Yeah. I'll do it........I suppose."


Scully walked towards the door and out of it, off down the corridor, leaving Doggett not knowing what to think. There was something about that Agent.

Sure, he and Scully had worked together happy as anything for a year, until Mulder turned up. Doggett had felt left out and rejected for a few weeks after his come-back to the bureau. You know, all that 'three's a crowd' rubbish. Well, it was true. Three was a crowd. He knew, that Mulder liked Scully more than she knew, and he couldn't help but feel.......Jealous. He didn't know why though. After all, she was just his work partner, and he didn't really have anything to be jealous about did he? Scully was a friend. A good friend. But just a friend all the same. Doggett didn't know what to think. They were friends, but for some reason, he was getting these strange feelings when he talked to her, or when he saw her in the corridor. And sometimes when he was lying in bed at night, he couldn't get her out of his mind. He liked everything about her. The way she dressed, the way she spoke, the way she got annoyed with him and told him off, the way she-.

"Oh my God," Doggett said aloud to himself, interrupting his own thoughts. "I've got a crush on Scully."

Chapter Two:

Mulder sat staring at the TV, not really taking any of the programme in. His back hurt like crazy, but he'd somehow managed to persuade the hospital that he was fine. He rubbed his back, feeling the pain sear up his spine. He was beginning to regret entertaining little kids now. Maybe he could handle being a clown, but not a daredevil anymore. Not a chance.

He finally realised that he was watching a cartoon and turned off the TV. He knew what he liked, and that was that stupid Australian (Is it Australian?) kid's programme with that thing called Johnson and that elephant and the hot water bottle and the accordian, you know what I'm talking about. What do you mean you don't? Haven't you ever seen it? Well I have. Call me sad, but it was actually pretty good. There was this one episode where they thought they were in a spaceship going to the moon.....Anyway. Moving swiftly on.

He got to his feet and sauntered into the kitchen to get a drink. Opening the fridge, he retrieved a carton of milk and drank from it without even bothering to get a glass. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

He jumped out of his skin when the phone suddenly burst into life and started ringing. He moved across to where the phone was resting on the arm of the sofa, and put the receiver to his ear.

"Mulder," he said without much enthusiasm.

"Mulder, we need you down here right now," a voice that sounded like Scully announced.

"What? I'm having a day off Scully! I'm traumatised!" Mulder whinged.

"Rubbish. You're perfectly fine. The hospital told me so," Scully argued back. Mulder could tell by the tone of her voice she wasn't in any mood to be messed about with.

"What about Doggett?" Mulder asked desperately trying to weedle out of going down to the bureau. "Can't he go?"

"Doggett's busy," Scully snapped back. "He's got a years worth of a 'to do' pile to get through. Now, are you coming or not?"

"Aw come on Scully, I'm comfortable," Mulder protested, although he sensed he was already losing the battle.

"Mulder!" Scully repeated in a voice that scared the hell out of him. Then in a softer tone she added, "We need you here. I need you here."

"Somehow I doubt it," Mulder sighed, walking back over to the fridge to put the carton away. Then, after a few moments of silence he said, "But I suppose if you put it like that-."

"Great," Scully jumped in immediately. "I'll pick you up in about fifteen minutes. Be ready."

Mulder opened his mouth to protest but she'd already put the phone down. He sighed heavily and threw the cordless phone back down on the cushions.

"So," Mulder asked as he and Scully drove back to the head office. "You're saying, that these people had been killed?"

"That's a start," Scully replied sarcastically, glancing in her rear-view mirror. "At the moment the cause of death is uncertain, but we know one thing-."

"They're dead," Mulder interrupted.

"Yes," Scully replied growing tired of his stupid answers. "But what we also know is that a slime type substance was found on all of the bodies, in exactly the same place on each one."

"But, they are dead, right?"

"For the last time, yes!!"

"Okay, okay, you don't need to shout Scully," Mulder told her holding up his hands in defence. "I just needed to clarify the situation."

" 'Clarify'?" Scully mocked. "That's a big word for someone who almost paralysed themselves in the playground of a kiddies burger bar."

"Ha ha," Mulder said sarcastically. "You don't need to remind me."

"Sometimes I wonder about you," Scully said almost to herself. She glanced across at Mulder, but she was smiling. Mulder reached into his pocket and retrieved a notebook. He pulled a chewed pencil out from his other pocket and poised it above the paper.

"So Scully," he announced. "Here's the case. We've got four bodies, found in an elevator of a potato factory, with a slime type substance behind the left ear on each one."

"Yes," Scully agreed.

"And, are they dead?"

"For god's sake I've just told you!" Scully yelled, losing her patience. "Can't you get it into your thick skull that these people are dead!!"

"Geez, all I wanted was a simple 'yes' or 'no'," Mulder replied huffily, twisting the situation round to make out that Scully was the bad guy.

"Whatever," Scully sighed giving up trying to argue with him. She turned to Mulder but he was looking out of the window, obviously in one of his moods.

After about ten minutes they arrived at the factory. Scully parked the car as close to the building as she could and stopped the engine.

"Right. We're here Mulder," she announced, undoing her seatbelt.

"I'll try and get a statement off some of the victims," Mulder replied stupidly, getting out of the car with notebook and pencil in hand. Scully couldn't be bothered to point out the fact that they were dead for the fifth time, so she just rolled her eyes and slammed the car door shut. They walked over to the entrance to the building, where Skinner and a few officers were waiting.

"Glad you could make it," Skinner greeted them, in a way that made Scully wonder whether he was being sarcastic or not. Skinner looked across at Mulder. "Mulder, you feeling okay now? That slide must have hurt like crazy."

"Top marks for observation," Mulder said cynically, rubbing his back. They followed Skinner inside and up a flight of stairs. The corridor was dank and was filled with the smell of potatoes. Mulder glanced around and immediately got the feeling that he didn't want to be there. Something wasn't right. It felt spooky. Like whoever, or whatever had commited the crime was still there.

"Hmm," Mulder mused, putting the pencil to the paper. "Better note that down."

"Spooky!!" A voice cried out suddenly. Mulder jumped out of his skin and the pencil dropped to the floor. He looked upwards to see another Agent beaming at him.

"E-Excuse me?" Mulder asked, not sure who this person was. The Agent put out his hand as a friendly gesture.

"Agent Smith, great to meet you at last," he introduced himself. "You're the talk of the bureau with that slide incident yesterday."

Mulder sighed, getting sick and tired of everyone knowing about his embarassing incidents.

"Oh, I am, am I?"

"Yeah, well, I hate to use the title of a Stereophonics song, but, Word get's around Spooky."

"It's Mulder, actually," Mulder corrected, shaking hands with the Agent. "I've heard.......Absolutely nothing about you."

"Well, I used to work in this secret place, top, top, top, top, secret," Agent Smith replied, tapping the side of his nose. Mulder nodded.

"Oh yeah? What was it called?"

"Matrix," Smith said bluntly, totally forgetting the fact that it was meant to be top secret. "I had to keep trying to kill this arrogant little sod. Goes by the name of Neo?"

"Sorry, never heard of him," Mulder apologised.

"Anyway, he kept getting away, so eventually, I just thought, 'stuff it'. I quit my job and joined the FBI instead. It's a lot more productive," Agent Smith explained, fiddling with the dark glasses he was wearing.

"Sounds absolutely riveting," Mulder answered sarcastically. "So, what's the situation here?"

"Mulder!" Scully called out suddenly interrupting their conversation. "I think you better come take a look at this."

Mulder strode over to the elevator where the bodies lay. Each one had been engraved with a number. Intrigued, Mulder bent down beside the one closest to him. It was a young woman of about twenty. He noticed that her forehead was marked with the number '13'. (Sooooo sorry to copy an idea off 'The Frighteners', but this is beside the point anyway and the case they're on has nothing to do with the plot of this story.) It looked like the number had been carved with a knife. Mulder scribbled this information down in his notebook before slapping the woman's face as hard as he could.

"Mulder?!" Scully asked, shocked by his actions. "What the hell are you doing?"

Mulder chose to ignore her. Instead, he slapped the woman again and bent closer to her face.

"Hello?" he called out to the woman. "Can you hear me?"

"Mulder, she's dead," Scully pointed out.

"I believe they like to be called 'the deceased' Scully."

Scully threw her arms up in despair.

"This is ridiculous Mulder!!"

Mulder stared at Scully for a second before turning back to the woman on the floor.

"Hello? Do you know what happened here? What did the killer look like? Was he wearing glasses? Do you know anything about the killer's musical interests?"

He sighed and glanced across to Skinner and Scully, who were both giving him weird looks. Mulder rolled his eyes and looked down at the dead woman.

"Not a big talker eh? Well, I'll come back to you when you feel ready to disclose the information."

Mulder got to his feet and appeared to be moving on to the next victim. Scully intervened before he had the chance.

"Come on Mulder, use your common sense," Scully said, trying to be calm. "Stop this stupid nonsense right now."

"Scully, you're getting in the way of official FBI business."

"Oh for christs sake!" Scully yelled losing her cool. "They're DEAD!! DEAD Mulder! Do you know what that means? Can you get that into your head?"

Mulder stared blankly.


"Is there any way I can make this easy enough for you to understand?!!"


"They are dead. Deceased. Not living. They kicked the bucket. Popped their clogs. Don't you get it? They can't talk to you!!" Scully walked over to her partner and snatched the notebook from him. "They can't give youn statements! Now stop being so bloody immature and embarassing!"

Chapter Three:

Doggett sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair. His wrist was aching now from writing all the reports that had been piling up on his desk, and it was getting late. Everyone else had gone home hours ago. He reached to the top of his 'to do' pile and pulled down a crumpled piece of paper.

It read,


Where's that field report on Mulder's disappearance? You lazy son of a bitch! Get that to my office pronto you bone-idle git!

Best wishes, Skinner.

P.S- Can I nick some money off you to get a candy bar?'

"Ahh, memories," Doggett said to himself. He shook his hand trying to get rid of the cramp and put the chewed pen back into his gob. He pulled down the next piece of paper. An unfinished field report on some case a while back. He tried to think back to the case but he couldn't concentrate.

Scully was playing on his mind again, and it was driving him crazy.

"Right!" Doggett yelled at himself, leaping up from the desk. "That's it!"

He stomped past the 'to do' pile and knocked it to the floor. Hundreds of files scattered across the office, but he didn't care. He was going to sort this out once and for all. The only way he knew how.

"FBI," Doggett warned, pointing his gun as he entered the bar. He strode up to the barman trying to look menacing. "Right, get me a scotch. And that's an official FBI order!"

"Okay......." The barman replied giving him a strange look.

"Did I tell you to talk to me, God dammit!?" Doggett snapped back sharply, banging his fist on the bar. "Get me that drink, and get me it now!!"

"Sir, we have a right to remove you from this bar if you continue with this behaviour," the barman said, in a tone that made Doggett think he must have said it thousands of times before.

"No you bloody well don't!" Agent Doggett roared, scrambling around in the pocket of his jacket for his ID. Eventually, he found it, and flipped it open to show the barman. "I'm a federal agent," he continued. "I do what I want, when I want."

"Really?" the barman replied sarcastically, pouring a scotch into a small glass.

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing," the barman answered quickly, setting the glass down infront of Doggett. "Just shut up and drink your scotch."

"How dare you be so rude to me!!" Doggett shouted at the top of his voice. Immediately the whole bar went silent.

"Listen er......Agent Doggett," the barman began, reading the name off his badge. "Could, you please keep it down? There are other customers in here you know."

Doggett sighed, and rubbed his eyes. He looked tired.

"Yeah, I know," he said, his voice calmer. "It's just......I have this problem."

"Oh, I wouldn't ask me for help with these complicated FBI investigations," the barman told him. "I can't even add two and two for God's sakes."

"Yes," Doggett replied, picking up his glass and drinking from it. "Well that's all very well and good, but it actually has nothing to do with a case. It's about this person I work with. This woman."


Doggett paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain the situation.

"Er....Well, just recently, I've started thinking......Er.....That she's kinda.....Well, if you put it one way......."

"You're in love with her," the barman finished off. Doggett looked shocked.

"What do you know?" he snapped back in denial. "It's probably just a phase I'm going through. A crush. That's all it is," Doggett continued to delude himself. "Yeah. One day, I'll work into the office, and it'll all be over. I won't even notice the way that she smiles at me, or the way that she walks into my office first thing in the morning with a pile of paperwork, or the way that she chews her pencil when she's concentrating on some work and I'm spying on her through the doorway..." Doggett said dreamily. ".....I probably won't even notice how cute she looks when she's shouting at me for not doing my work- again."

"You're in love with her," the barman repeated bluntly. "No doubt about it."

"But that's impossible!" Doggett snapped back, still trying to get away from the truth. "Me? In love with Agent Scully? It's crazy!"

"Just face it John," the barman replied, cleaning out a beer glass with a teatowel as he spoke. Doggett glared at him.

"It's Special Agent John Doggett, actually," he corrected. "What the hell do people call you anyway?"

"Oh, you mean, 'what's my name?'" The barman answered as if he didn't understand. "People call me Neo. I'm what some people would call, 'The One'."

"I see," Doggett replied, though it was quite obvious that he didn't. "So, Neo, what should I do?"

"Well," Neo began, trying to think. "Tomorrow morning, when you see, this 'Scully', or whatever she's called-."

"Dana Scully," Doggett corrected, off in one of his dreamworlds again.

"Yes, well, when you see her, I think you should.....Tell her how you feel."

"No!" Doggett cried suddenly, shocked by the very thought of it. "No, I couldn't. I'd never be able to face her again!"

Neo sighed. "Fine, have it your way," he told Doggett. "I was just trying to be helpful, that's all. Hey," he suddenly announced, changing the subject. "Hey, if you tell Scully how you feel, and the whole FBI thing falls apart cos she doesn't like you, I could take you back to the real world with me or something."

Doggett pulled a bewlidered face.

"The, 'Real' world?"

He looked at Neo's face, but Neo was no longer looking at him. His jaw had dropped open and he had frozen to the spot. He appeared to be looking in the direction of the entrance to the bar. Doggett turned around to take a look for himself and saw that a man had just come through the doors. An agent. Agent Smith. And he was holding his gun.

"Eeek," Neo squeaked pathetically. "He's coming after me again."


"I gotta go," Neo answered swiftly, making a run towards the back exit of the bar. "We'll talk 'red pill blue pill' some other time Agent Doggett."

And with that, he ran off out of the door. Doggett listened carefully, and he could have sworn he heard the sound of a car driving off, then an aeroplane taking off immediately afterwards.

"Agent Doggett," a voice greeted him. A hand fell on his shoulder, causing Doggett to turn around. Agent Smith was right behind him.

"Agent Smith," Doggett replied. "What a pleasant surprise."

"I'm looking for someone. We have a little matter to settle," Agent Smith replied in a sinister tone. "Neo. Neo as in, 'the one', Neo?"

Doggett almost nodded, but something made him stop. He shook his head faintly.

"Sorry. I don't know what you're talking about."

Agent Smith suddenly leaned in closer towards Doggett's face.

"Oh, so they got to you too then?" he asked forcefully.

"Who? Who got to me?"

"Neo and his little bunch of hackers. They think they're so cool," Smith replied, talking almost to himself when he said it. "But I'm gonna bring them down. I'm gonna bring them down to chinatown."

"How very interesting," Doggett replied, not paying much attention to what Smith was saying.

Chapter Four:

FBI- The Next Morning- Agent Doggett's Office:

"What did you want me for, Agent Doggett?" Scully asked innocently as she entered his office. "Skinner just told me you needed me urgently."

"Yes," Doggett replied, trying to get his thought's together. "That is correct."

"Well come on then, out with it," Scully demanded, looking impatient. "I've got work to do today."

Doggett sighed and got up from his desk, straightening out his tie nervously.

"Scully, as you know," he began slowly. "The annual FBI partnership competition is coming up soon."

"Yes. What about it?"

"Well, apparantly, this year, there'll be even tougher opponants than usual. In particular, two Agents from New York. Schreck and Weine. They nailed a seventeen year old boy for triple murder with only their opinions as evidence against him."

"So?" Scully replied. "Who cares?"

"God only knows how they did it," Doggett replied, not paying attention to his partner's comments. "But they're good. Real good."

"Doggett, I'm really busy today," Scully said pessimistically, beginning to turn away. Doggett reached out and touched her arm to stop her.

"The thing is, we're better. We're better than any agents I know at what we do. You and me, as a team, we can do anything," Doggett told her sincerely. "We can beat Weine and Schreck single handedly at this stupid FBI partnership competition."

Scully smiled.

"Are you asking me to be in the competition with you Agent Doggett?"

"Yeah. So, will you?"

"Okay," Scully agreed, smiling.

At that moment they were interrupted by a loud clattering noise behind them. They turned, to see Mulder practically falling through the door with a huge cardboard box in his arms.

"God, are these heavy," Mulder said out of breath as he dumped it on Doggett's desk. He looked up to see their faces.

"I'm sorry, have I interrupted something?" he asked, slightly confused. Scully shook her head immediately.

"No, no, everything's great," she said quickly, trying not to look guilty. "Doggett was just telling me about that case we were on last night, weren't you Agent Doggett?" she replied, nudging him. He nodded quickly.

"Yeah. That case."

"Well," Mulder began eyeing them suspiciously. "Inside this box, is something which will amaze, and astound you." He pointed to the carboard box he had just dumped on Doggett's desk, and bent closer to it. Doggett and Scully exchanged bewildered glances. What the hell had Mulder been up to now?

"It's something I'd wanted ever since I was a little kid. But everytime I asked, Mom'd say, 'NO Fox! Now get to bed and don't speak to me again.' But who's laughing now Mom?!"

"Mulder, just tell us what's in the box," Doggett interrupted irritably. In reply, Mulder slowly lifted the lid off the box and reached inside, causing Doggett and Scully to lean over in order to get a better view. Grabbing hold of whatever was inside, Mulder smirked and slowly lifted it up.

"I give you," he announced. "Gilbert the cockatiel!" He produced a small grey bird from out of the cardboard box and rested it on his arm. The bird perched there obediently, pecking at his feathers to preen itself. Mulder looked to the bird and gave a satisfactory smile. Then he looked to his fellow Agents.

"Well?" Mulder asked. "What do you think? Isn't he a darling?"

"Mulder, you can't just bring animals into the bureau," Doggett replied, not looking too impressed.

"Who says I can't?" Mulder snapped back indignantly, reaching into his pocket for some bird seed. He held it out to Gilbert, who pecked it up immeditately. "There's a good bird," he said in a baby voice. "You eat all your bird seed like a good Gilbert."

"Mulder," Scully began, not sure what to think. "The bird's cute and all, but Doggett's right, it's not safe to bring any old animal into the FBI, you don't know what-."

"Oh, so Doggett's right is he?" Mulder butted in, suddenly looking angrier. "That's all it ever is with you Scully. 'Doggett this', 'Doggett that'. Who cares about Doggett? Why don't you just go off and marry Doggett?!"

"Excuse me," Doggett said plainly. "But I am actually in this room you know."

Mulder turned to Doggett and nodded. "Oh, I know. I know perfectly well that you're in this room. I just wish you'd keep out of my private conversations!"

"I think I have a right to speak when you're talking about me!" Doggett yelled back.

"No you bloody well don't!!"

"For god's sake grow up!" Scully interrupted. "Mulder, put that sodding bird away and get back to work, and Doggett, you go and finish off that field report. I'll go and talk to Agent Smith about the evidence." And with that, Scully turned and strode out of the room.

Doggett and Mulder glared evilly at each other for a moment, before Mulder turned away to see to Gilbert.

"Go on, back in your box," he said to the bird. "Daddy will come back for you after work. You go and stay in the cupboard for now. You got enough bird seed?"

"Oh, for god's sake," Doggett sighed, unable to believe what he was hearing. "This is pathetic."

Mulder put Gilbert back in the box and spun round quickly.

"No Doggett, you wanna know what's really pathetic? You. You and your little school boy crush on Agent Scully. That's what's pathetic."

"I do not have a little school boy crush on Agent Scully!" Doggett protested.

"You do. And it's time you stopped all this nonsense!" Mulder snapped back. "We all know I'm the one she loves, not you!"

"Oh, gimme a break. She wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"

"Oh yeah?!"


At that moment, Assistant Director Skinner entered the office. He immediately noticed Mulder and Doggett, unable to keep the evil stares off their faces.

"Mulder, Doggett, what the hell is going on here?"

"Ask him," Mulder replied pissily, brushing past Skinner. He stormed out of the office, in yet another one of his moods.

"Doggett," Skinner began. "What's been going on?"

"N-Nothing, Skinner," Doggett lied.

"If you want to keep working here you've got to learn to swallow your pride and stop being so immature," Skinner told him sternly.

"Me? But It's Mulder that-."

"You're going to have to stop blaming each other all the time. Mulder's been back here for weeks now, and it about time you put your differences aside and stopped having these petty little arguments."

"Fine," Doggett sighed, without the energy to argue. "I'll try."

Chapter Five:

"Trying isn't good enough Agent Doggett," Skinner replied sharply. "You stop this, and you stop it right now!"

Suddenly, Skinner caught sight of the cardboard box on the desk.

"What the hell is that?"

Gilbert squawked from inside the box and began to rattle it with his feet.

"Piss off," the cockatiel choroused. "Piss off, piss off, piss off."

"It talks!" Skinner gasped, not sure what to think. He took an anxious step towards the desk. "The box can talk!"

"Mulder brought it in," Doggett informed the Assistant Director smarmily.

Skinner approached the desk with caution and reached out towards the box.

"Doggett is a bone head," Gilbert squawked again. Skinner grabbed hold of the box and opened it. Gilbert flew out suddenly, and started flapping around the room.

"Jesus Christ!" Skinner yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"It's Mulder's cockatiel sir," Doggett said, wondering what he was going to do to Mulder the next time he saw him.

"Oh," Skinner replied in a high and mighty voice. "So Mulder thinks he can just do what he likes does he? He thinks he can bring a live bird into this office and make a mockery of me?!"

"I suppose so," Doggett said calmly. He looked up, to see Gilbert staring defiantly down at him from the top of a bookcase.

"God damn Mulder and his god damn birds!" Doggett muttered under his breath. Gilbert cocked his head on one side.

"Bone head!" He screeched. "Bone head, bone head!"

"Do us a favour and get that sodding bird off that sodding bookcase!" Skinner yelled angrily.

"With pleasure," Doggett hissed evilly, rubbing his hands together. He grabbed hold of the shelf and pulled himself up. Gilbert was still staring down at him, an insolent look on his face.

"Doggett is a crappy Agent," Gilbert chanted suddenly. This was the last straw for Agent John Doggett. He climbed up onto the next shelf and started swinging wildly for the defiant bird.

"Come on you little bastard!" Doggett yelled. "Mulder taught you anything else has he?"

The bookcase started to wobble slightly, but Doggett was too angry to notice. He reached out as far as his arm would go and tried to bat Gilbert down. Gilbert simply took a step back and whistled cockily. In his rage, Doggett accidentally kicked the shelf below and sent books flying across the office.

He could see Gilbert perched there, right on the top. He knew, that if he got it just right, he could knock the bird down. He just had to wait for the right moment.......

Suddenly, Gilbert turned his head and Doggett saw his chance. He lunged upwards and lashed out at the cockatiel. Everything after that seemed to go in slow motion. Gilbert turned his head at the last second and flew off the bookcase, narrowly avoiding Doggett's hand. Doggett, shocked that he hadn't hit him, lost his footing on the bookcase and grabbed hold of the top of it. It wobbled there for a split second, before falling slowly to the ground, sending him flying with it.

Agent Doggett smacked onto the floor of the office hard, the bookcase on top of him. Hundreds of files, papers and books were sent across the floor and lay scattered all over the place.

It was then that Agent Mulder reappeared at the door.

"Hey Skinner, Doggett, I just came back to pick up Gil-." He paused. The office was an absolute tip. The bookcase lay in a mangled mess on the floor. And right in the middle of it all, lay Agent Doggett.

"Where the hell is my bird!" Mulder yelled at the top of his voice.

"Snoop Doggett!" A high pitched voice squawked from above. "Bone head!"

"Gilbert!" Mulder cried. The bird had flown across to the other side of the room and sat, perched on an opposite shelf. Obediently, the cockatiel swooped down and rested on Mulder's hand. Mulder gave it some bird seed from his pocket. Then, he turned back to Skinner and Doggett with an evil glare on his face.

"What the hell were you doing with my Gilbert!?" He cried.

"Mulder, the bird is disrupting our work and we would like it very much if you got it the hell out of this building," Skinner replied, trying to stay calm as he lifted the bookcase off Doggett. "I can't believe you could be so irresponsible!"

"This is an outrage!" Mulder snapped back, stroking Gilbert's back with his left hand. "How dare you try and hurt my bird!"

"Mulder, I thought I told you to put that sodding bird away," Scully announced calmly as she entered the room. Then she looked up. And saw the bookcase. With Doggett underneath it. And the mess all over the floor.

"What the hell is going on in here!?" Scully cried.

"A slight accident with a cockatiel," Skinner replied, as he pulled Doggett out from underneath it. He turned to the Agent. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Doggett said, slightly out of breath as he got to his feet. He rubbed his forehead.

"Bone head!" Gilbert screeched loudly.

"It's all because of that stupid git of a bastard bird!!" Doggett roared viciously, pointing to Gilbert. Instinctively, Mulder sheilded his cockatiel with one hand.

"You leave the bird out of this!" Mulder shouted back in Gilbert's defence.

"Fine then," Doggett spat back. "It's your fault. You and your ridiculous immature ideas. It's always your fault. In fact, it's never anybody elses fault except yours. Whenever there's a problem, you'll find Fox Mulder right in the middle of it."

"SHUT UP!!" Mulder snapped back fiercely. "How dare you try to blame everything on me!! You wanna know something?! I hate you Agent Doggett. I hated you the minute I saw you!! And I'll always hate you!! You disgust me. You have no right to be working on the X-Files, you have no right to steal my office and work in it as if it's always been yours, and you have no right to accuse my bird of things it didn't do!! What the hell do you think you're doing in this department? You don't believe any of it. You're just like everyone else, trying to close the X-Files. Trying to cover it up, aren't you?!"

"Hey, take it easy Mulder," Scully warned, not sure what to do. Doggett clenched his fists by his sides but Skinner held him back.

"Oooh, am I pissing you off Agent Doggett?" Mulder asked in a mocking tone. "Am I making you angry? Well, come on then," he challenged. "Hit me if you think you can."

"I bloody well will in a minute," Doggett hissed viciously. Mulder turned and passed Gilbert to Scully unexpectedly.

"Here, hold me Gilbert a minute wil you?" he asked, although it was more of an order than a request. Reluctantly, Scully allowed Gilbert to perch on her arm. Mulder rolled up his shirt sleeves, thinking he was ace.

"You're in for it now Doggett," he said, smirking evilly.

"Mulder," Scully said in a warning tone.

"Come on, you're both adults, how about you just try to sort this out by-."

Doggett put his hand out to Skinner to shut him up. "No, Skinner. This time, it's war."

Doggett took a step towards Mulder, menacingly. Mulder did the same.

"Come on," Skinner tried to persude them. "This isn't gonna get us anywhere."

Mulder stood silently for a brief moment, before throwing a punch at Doggett's face.

"You son of a bitch!" Doggett yelled, throwing one back. On reflex, Mulder dodged out of the way and Doggett smashed into the wall. Seething with anger, Doggett turned and swiped at Mulder. He hit him in the jaw. Mulder grabbed hold of him and the two of them started trying to push each other to the ground. It was at that moment that Skinner decided to intervene.

"Hey, hey, break it up," Skinner cried, forcing them apart. He took hold of Mulder and escorted him towards the door. "I think you better go home, and think about what you've done," Skinner told him. Mulder resisted at first, but eventually allowed Skinner to remove him. As he got to the door, he turned to Doggett, who was standing in the middle of the office, wiping the blood from his mouth where he had been punched.

"This isn't the end John!" Mulder yelled. "You haven't got away with this!"

"The hell he hasn't," Skinner replied, as he pushed Mulder out of the door and shut it behind him. He turned to Doggett.

"I am disgusted with your behaviour John," he sighed.

"I'm sorry Sir."

"You know what to do. The Dunce hat's in the cupboard," Skinner told him. "Hang your head in shame."

Doggett did as he was told and went over to the cupboard, where he retrieved the yellow pointed hat with a large 'D' on it. Reluctantly, he stood holding the hat, his back facing away from Skinner.

"You know the drill," Skinner's voice barked. "Put that hat on now. Come on, I'm not having any of this nonsense."

Doggett slowly put the pointed Dunce hat on his head.

"Great," Skinner replied, in a happier voice. "Now turn around and let me see it."

Doggett turned around slowly. He stared down at his toes, the hat sliding forward on his head slightly. Skinner clasped his hands together and smiled.

"Great. It really suits you."

"Thankyou sir," Doggett said unenthusiastically. Skinner started scanning his eyes around the room, as if he was looking for something.

"W-What is it Sir?" Doggett asked uncertainly. Skinner scratched his chin in thought.

"Hmm," he mused. "Can't seem to find a chair."

"Why the hell would I need a-," Doggett began, forgetting his manners. He suddenly noticed Skinner glaring at him. "I mean, why on earth would I need a chair, Assistant Director Skinner?"

"To sit on it obviously!" Skinner yelled, losing his patience. Doggett flinched. "And if I have any more of that cheek from you, you're going down my boy!! I'll bring you down to chinatown!"

"Excellent," Doggett said, forcing a smile.