He struggled to chase him through the crowded city sidewalks, yelling after him, pleading him to stop and turn around, at least listen to what he had to say. Adam had a feeling whatever expression was on Jay's face it wasn't a good one judging by how the people seemed to part to let him through. If only he could manage the same thing. One would think that someone who towered over a crowd at six feet and four inches would have an easier time getting through. No such luck. But bad luck seemed to be his best friend today.
It had all started when he'd stepped into their hotel room after being in the bar with some of the others. Jay had been curled up in the bed, still fully dressed, staring at nothing. When he'd drawn closer Adam could see the tears that soaked his face and the sleeves of his shirt where he had been sobbing for a long time. Then the argument had started. Jay had taken control of it this time, screaming at the top of his lungs about how Adam didn't care about him anymore. He pointed out every single fault, every cruel act, every neglectful deed that Adam would commit constantly. The worst of it was Adam couldn't deny that he did such things, but he had defended himself anyway. He wasn't doing things to be mean or ignoring Jay on purpose. He was merely doing what he wanted.
"Well, apparently everything that you want has nothing to do with me so there's no point in me staying with you anymore."
Those words had stopped Adam's heart dead. He'd been so stunned that at first he hadn't moved when Jay stalked out of the room and slammed the door. He'd been chasing him for three blocks already, which wasn't a good thing because Jay was heading for the bad side of this city. The people were slowly thinning out. It didn't make it much easier, though, because Jay was running now. Thankfully Adam had much longer legs and finally caught him underneath the flickering light of a broken street lamp, holding him by his shoulders tightly as he struggled to pull away.
"Jay, stop! Why are you running from me?"
"I don't want this anymore! I'm tired of hurting all the time! No matter what I say or do you don't listen, you don't care! You don't love me!"
"That's not true! Don't you dare say that! I love you, Jay!"
"You have a shitty way of showing it! Even if I believed you, if you really do love me, you still don't care! Love isn't important to you! You're number one in my life, but you put me after everything and everyone!"
"Damn it, I do not! I love you so much! I don't know what you want from me! What am I not doing that makes you so upset?"
"Love me! Hold me, kiss me, touch me! In public! Behind closed doors doesn't mean anything if you won't lay a hand on me in front of other people! It's like you're ashamed!"
"Never. I would never be ashamed of you. I… Jay, I…" He stomped his foot angrily, turning away from him momentarily to try to gather his thoughts. "I don't know how to do those things. You know that. It's hard to show love to someone when you've never been shown love in your whole life."
"Adam, I know what your life was like. I grew up with you. When we're making love I see all your romance and passion as if you were wearing it like a cape. But as soon as we're out of bed it disappears. I don't understand."
"I wish I could tell you, Jay. I wish I knew the words to tell you everything I feel. Then maybe it wouldn't matter so much that I can't show you."
"Adam… I can't do this anymore. I can't go through life with you never knowing if you even love me."
He whirled back around, staring at him in shock. "I love you! Dear God, Jason, you're the only person I've ever said those words to. How can you not believe me?"
"I hear it, Adam. I hear those words, but I don't feel them. You say 'I love you' the same way you say 'pass the ketchup'. There's nothing behind your words. I need more. I'm sorry. You know that I love you, but I have to have the same affection returned to me. And if you can't do that… then…" he trailed off, turning his eyes down. "I'm sorry, Adam."
He couldn't believe it. Over just like that. And all because of his own messed up emotional stability. He raised his hands to his head, running his fingers through his hair in his habitual movement of worry. For the millionth time in his life he cursed his father for abandoning him, cursed his mother for having to constantly work to support them, and cursed himself for not dealing with his life better. Jay was walking away from him for the last time and it was all because he couldn't show him his feelings, could never say the things he needed to hear. He had to do something, anything, to stop him. What? He tilted his head back to look at the cracked flickering street lamp and for some reason thought of Chris Jericho. He spoke his inner feelings through his music. Broken street light…?
"It's hard for me… to say the things… I wanna say sometimes," he started to sing loud enough to reach Jay from the distance, watching him halt his steps. "There's no one here… but you and me… and a broken old street light. Lock the doors… leave the world outside. All I've got… to give to you… are these five words a night…"
Ahead of him Jay slowly turned around, staring at him in complete astonishment. Adam reached out to him and beckoned for him to come back, continuing the song.
"Thank you… for loving me. For being my eyes… when I couldn't see. For parting my lips… when I couldn't breathe. Thank you for loving me. Thank you… for loving me…" He was relieved to see Jay walking back him, hesitantly, but acting as if he was being drawn back whether he liked it or not. "I never knew… I had a dream… until that dream was you. When I look… into your eyes… the sky's a different blue. Cross my heart… I wear no disguise. If I tried… you'd make believe… that you believed my lies."
"What are you doing?" he whispered, interrupting him.
"I… I'm trying to tell you. I couldn't think of anything else that I could possibly do or say that would make you turn around. You didn't want to listen to my words anymore and I couldn't show you anything."
"But why singing? Of all things…"
Adam blushed slightly, smiling a little. "I thought of Chris, and all his depressing songs that he sings about what he really feels most of the time. He sings to show his feelings to people. And the stupid flashing light over my head made me choose the song."
"Do you realize that this is the most romantic thing you or anyone else has ever done for me?" He sniffled slightly, emotion overcoming him. "You started singing… a love song in the middle of public just to keep me from leaving you."
"I couldn't let you just walk away when I feel…" he trailed off, but struggled to pick the right words, "I feel so much for you. You provoke more emotion in me than anyone else in this world. Even if I don't show it, I still feel it. I know you want more, Jay. I know you need me to show you how I feel, but I can't just do it all at one sudden moment. I had to be taught by you how to love, how to be loved, and even how to force the words I love you out of my mouth." He stopped finally, seeing that he was starting to get through to him in some way. He reached out and took his hands gently, squeezing them just hard enough to show that he was sincere. "Teach me, Jay. Teach me how to love you. Not just in bed, but every single moment of every day. I don't want to lose you. I'll do anything you ask of me if it'll keep us together. Anything at all."
Jay pulled one hand away to cover his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he began to cry again. Adam bit his lip as he watched the tears slide over his face. What should he do? He reached up hesitantly, catching one of the tears on his finger and wiping it away. Jay blinked in surprise and looked up at him. Adam frowned a little.
"Sorry. I thought that…"
"No. No, it's okay. You just… stunned me. Usually when I cry you leave because I make you so uncomfortable."
"I'm still uncomfortable, but I thought that you wanted me to console you somehow. I mean, that's what you've asked for before."
"You're right. That's exactly what I want." He tilted his head slightly at him, considering something. "Maybe… Maybe I can teach you how to act at certain moments. I mean, it makes me feel like I'm trying to mold you into my personal slave or something, but…"
"You're not. You're trying to make me a real person."
Again Jay had a surprised look on his face. "How do you manage to shock me over and over again with your words? You think you're not real?"
Adam glanced away shamefully. "Real people have emotions. Emotions that they show, not keep locked up inside."
"You're real to me," he whispered, catching his chin in his hand and making him look down at him. "You're real. More than anyone else I know. You only hide your emotions. Most people are constantly faking it, pretending to be happy when they're not, pretending not to be angry at someone. Always pretending. You don't do that. You're real and true to yourself even though you know that your self is… wrong."
"Does this mean you won't leave me?" he whispered back, his voice shaking in a barely noticeable way, a way that Jay distinctly heard after listening to Adam's smooth voice for years and years.
"No, I won't leave. We'll try harder. I'll try to be more understanding."
"I'll try to open up to you."
"Hold me, Adam. Hold me tight and don't let me go." He did as he was told, pulling him close against his chest just as he knew Jay liked. He felt him adjust the tilt of his head just perfect so he could listen to his heartbeat. Adam still wondered why he did that, but his wondering was interrupted when Jay's voice sang softly, quiet and unsure. "You pick me up when I fall down. You ring the bell before they count me out. If I was drowning you would part the sea… and risk your own life to rescue me…"
"Damn straight," he muttered with a little chuckle.
"You sing the rest of it. You sound a lot better than I do."
Adam smiled, lying his head down on top of Jay's as he stroked his hair lightly. "Lock the doors… We'll leave the world outside... All I've got to give to you… Are these five words a night. Thank you… for loving me. When I couldn't fly… you gave me wings. You parted my lips… when I couldn't breathe. Thank you for loving me."
"Who's that by anyway?"
"Oh God," he snarled and Adam laughed loudly in the silent night.
Legalities: Christian Cage is copyright to TNA Wrestling. Edge is property of World Wrestling Entertainment. I claim no knowledge of each of the characters sexual preferences or lives. This is a story of fiction, none of these events are real. I received absolutely no profit from this story.