Should Have Been Mine

By Tiger 3/17/07

Summary: Did Chief say "the freak in her belly" out of disgust for who Sharon is, or out of jealously that Helo has what should have been his? Chief's POV. Chief/Boomer, Helo/Sharon

Disclaimer: Battlestar Galactica belongs to Ronald Moore & Co.

A/N: Thank you to Jeff (repr0b8) for the great betaing!

My Sharon is dead. My Sharon is dead.

The thought echoes through my mind as I walk down the hanger deck into the corridors on my way to the crew racks. My Sharon is dead. The thought's been there since Cally shot her, since I held my Sharon in my arms and heard her say, "I love you, Chief."

There had been weren't even words of hate towards no words of hate for Cally, no curses that a mere human defeated the Cylon, if she ever truly knew what was going onno hint she knew what she was or what was going on.. Hell, I didn't even know what was going on, I had only reacted. It says a lot about me, doesn't it? My reactions. The way I treated her. And aAfter all, I put her through, the only thing she had to say to me at the end of it all was that she loved me.

The first time I met her was the first time I yelled at her. Oh, I knew better, I always knew that I shouldn't have yelled at her, even when she was wrong;, even after I knew learned she was a woman who yelled right back. She was just a rookie then, more of a rookie than I ever was. But I hated how the poor Raptor screeched and banged to a stop every time she landed it.

But I shouldn't have yelled at her for it., N not then. You don't yell at the person you love when you can fix their small mistakes. It was just the way she landed.Bad landings were just part of who she was.

I abandoned her after the independent tribunal. What kind of a man was I to do that? I thought I was a man for sacrificing what I loved the most so that life could go on as normal on the hanger deck. Coward, more like. I loved her more than anything, but once things got messy, I ran from it. I wasn't man enough to face the truth, to realize that just like all of us, my Sharon had a dark side, even if that side was darker than normal.

Even after she tried to kill the Old Man, after she was proven to be a Cylon, I knew deep down that she was still my Sharon. But sitting thereir in herour cell, I couldn't bear to look at her, to touch her, to think of her tenderly without thinking, "My Sharon is dead, that thing in front of me is a clever imposter, my Sharon is dead to me." II yelled at her, I abused her, treated her horribly. But she wasn't human anymore. Sharon was just a machine, so perfectly programmed to be human, to feel human. She couldn't have possibly felt anything at all. The past year meant nothing to her at all because she couldn't feel, because she couldn't be human, because she just was a machine whose programming told her to killhell the Old Man.

Until she said "I love you, Chief," just before she died, with all too human blood seeping out of her wound.

I died too.

And I died again,even more seeing Helo's Sharon on Kobol standing there with the L.T. looking so lost and frightened until he put his arms around her. I saw it in his eyes. He knew I still loved my Sharon, and he knew that his Sharon was a Cylon, a machine.

I saw them together after the Old Man tried to strangle her. She wasn't even an it anymore. Just her, always her, because in my mind, Sharon will forever be an individual, Sharon or not. I saw them together. They weren't really doing anything, just holding each other and talking until she saw me.

She held me even as I tried to pull away. She had memories that only my Sharon and I shared, she remembered my temper, and probably even remembered how horribly I had treated my Sharon afterwards. , Aand yet she still held me, still told me that she loved me. She felt so familiar and so alien. She was more muscled than my Sharon, hard where mine was soft, and I could tell that she carried a child. His child, not mine. I only barely heard her say that my Sharon didn't know who she really was, that what we shared was real. All I knew that the child, the baby that Sharon carried was Helo's, not mine.

His baby. Not mine. I later watched her beat her programming. She's programmed to be Cylon at the core I know, and being a Cylon means finishing the job my Sharon couldn't: kill the Old Man.

She saved him instead.

. Then she turned to Helo and it hit me. Would my Sharon not have killed the Old Man if I had been there for her? Would she still be alive if I had been more like the L.T. and stood with her? Before I knew what she was, I was going to make that offer anyways, why should it have been any different after the tribunal?

Oh Gods, Lords of Kobol, will you forgive me? Forgive, what have I done? I killed my Sharon because I stopped caring, stopped loving. And now she has come back, but it really isn't her. This Sharon doesn't love me, she loves Helo and she bares his child. The child that should have been mine, would have been mine, if I had been more of a man.

He has everything and I have nothing. Helo has Sharon and her child, he has a family that's coming soon, something to take his mind off the constant Cylon attacks and repairs, even if that something means enduring jeers and insults. Even if it means that home is a maximum security cell surrounded by marines.

My Sharon is dead.,

Aand so is the future that should have been mine. I killed them because I was never the man that Helo is. I can't do the right thing when the time calls for it. Lords of Kobol forgive me, Sharon forgive me, wherever your soul rests. I still love you.