It was another day the Elric residence where two brothers, Edward and Alphonse, were trying to revive their dead mother. The reason they wanted to revive her was not because they loved her that much, but because they needed a worthless pawn to feed them and clean their messes.
"Are you sure about using alchemy? I heard it's pretty dangerous" said Al.
Ed scoffed as he prepared an alchemy ritual. "Don't be such a pussy. What could possibly go wrong?"
One minute later, the house exploded.
"That hurt like hell" coughed a charred Edward. "Hey Al, are you okay?"
He looked at the spot where his brother once stood, only to find a large suit of armor in his place.
"Holy shit! I'm huge!" the armor spoke in Al's childish voice. "Now I can finally get revenge on those bastards who tell me I'm too short to ride the roller coasters!"
"The failed alchemy attempt must have destroyed your original body and replaced it with metal. I wonder what happened to- OH MY FUCKING GOD!"
"What is it, Ed? Did something happen to- SWEET MONKEY JESUS ON A POGO STICK!"
The brothers were stunned beyond belief as they stared at Edward's new iron penis.
"I doubt you'll be able to hide it under your pants" muttered Alphonse.
"Shut up, dipshit!" Edward yelled "god, how am I going to explain all of this to grandma?"
"We should probably find a trained alchemist to fix everything up."
"Great idea! Come on tin-man, let's go find us an alchemist!"
And so the two went to the city. It was very hard for people to not notice them, especially since it was broad daylight and today there was a holiday called 'Everyone Is Walking On The Streets For Some Reason Day.'
"Maybe this was a bad idea" Al said quietly as everyone walking the streets for some reason gave funny looks at them.
Ed shouted at the crowd "WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE LOOKING AT, HUH? UNLESS YOU WANT TO RIDE MY WILLIE YOU BETTER MOVE ALONG!"
People stepped aside as state alchemists came marching toward the brothers and cuffed them.
One of the alchemists grunted "your under arrest for illegal use of alchemy! It's prison for you fellas!"
The two were put in a van next to an old guy. The doors were closed shut, then the van started driving to the jailhouse.
"I don't want to go to prison!" sobbed the large armor with the mind of a boy. "People will wear me like a bitch!"
"Hmm, seems I have some alchemist company" said the old man.
Ed loudly spoke "we're not alchemists! We only tried to do alchemy once and we came to find a real alchemist to undo this mess!"
"Well you are looking at a real alchemist. My specialty is making things the way they were. It's also the reason why I'm going to jail, ever since I accidentally revived a dinosaur which ended up killing fifty seven people. Good times."
"Making things the way they were?" Edward repeated the old man "so you think you can get rid of this metal off of us?"
"And rebuild our house and resurrect our mother slave?" Al added in.
The old man looked grimly at the brothers, then smiled and said "sure, anything for a bunch of freaks!" He decided to start with Ed first. He grabbed the metal cock and began rubbing it.
"Please tell me this is an alchemy ritual" Edward gulped nervously.
The weenie-toucher did not need to answer, as the steel dildo soon glowed. The results wasn't exactly as they planned when Ed's dick morphed into a iron-clad one eyed serpent!
"What the fuckity fuck?" gasped Al "I thought you said you could make things the way they were!"
The old man tilted his head and said "hmm, I guess my specialty is actually bringing things to life. I only used alchemy on dead things, so it's easy to get confused with these kind of spells.
The van they were in broke apart when the serpent grew to enormous heights for no reason at all. It slithered about as buildings collapsed and people ran for their lives. State alchemists came to eliminate the beast, but only ended up getting white acid in the face.
"Do something!" Ed shouted to the old man.
The old man laughed. "Why the fuck should I? I'm free, free as a bird! See you in Mexico, suckers!" The alchemist summoned up a jetpack, and used it to fly away.
"Crap" sighed Edward. "Looks like you are the only one I can count on, Al."
"Leave everything to me, bro!" Alphonse said in confidence "with my awesome armor body, this overgrown garden hose will be a piece of…"
The steel snake turned around and lashed it's massive tongue at the bizarre brothers.
"…cake. Which reminds me, I umm… have a cake in the stove and I better check up on it… yeah. Kthxbye."
Al then ran away screaming like a little girl. Now all alone, Edward Elric stood helpless as the creature connected between his legs gazed at him with it's one eye. It moved closer, smelling the prey's fear.
With a demonic hiss, the metal serpent said "you sure got a purdy mouth."
Remember kiddies, don't do alchemy. Otherwise you might get raped by a humongous penis monster.