Sorry for the wait before this update! Don't be too mad at me... I just haven't been getting as much inspiration. Too much stuff in my schedule now for the juice to get flowing. Please drop me a review and help me get back in the mood to write this, so that I actually feel like continuing this. I'm not saying that you haven't been giving me enough feedback so far, it's just that I need some encouragement. Thank you soo much!
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.
Yuki winced as he recognized the yelps for what they had really been because of; Shuichi had been cutting himself. Thinking back, Yuki realized the he had been the idiot for falling for Shuichi's lie. Shuichi had been using that shower correctly for six months before he began yelping. Yuki winced, not knowing that he had been the one who put Shuichi through so much pain, that he had resorted to cutting himself to get rid of it. He had hid all of his pain away, only letting it free by slitting a passageway into his skin through which it could flow out.
Yuki now severely regretted telling Shuichi to shut up when ever he had been telling Yuki how his day had gone. Damn it! Yuki couldn't believe what a bastard he was towards Shuichi. When Shuichi had stopped being all happy and bouncy around him, but merely sat quietly and stared out the window through unseeing eyes, instead of being concerned about Shuichi's sudden shift in behavior, Yuki had just been grateful that the apartment was finally quiet.
It had only lasted for a week, but Yuki now realized that when Shuichi went back to being cheerful, it never reached his eyes anymore. Now, the only times that Shuichi truly seemed happy was when he was not with Yuki. Even now, as Yuki was toweling Shuichi dry, he could see dark shadows swirling in what were once bright amethyst eyes.
Yuki steeled his resolution to leave Shuichi. All that he ever did to Shuichi was hurt him, both mentally and physically, as he had recently learned. He shuddered as he remembered Shuichi telling him how much he had hurt him when he was drunk. He winced as he realized that he raped Shuichi more that he did anything else with him on that bed, and who knows where else.
Well, no more would that happen. Once Shuichi was strong enough to take care of himself, then Yuki was out of there. Hopefully, Shuichi wouldn't be able to find him this time. Maybe he ought to ask Tohma for help, so that his whereabouts were untraceable. Yuki had no idea how Shuichi found him, but if it were through tracing him, then he would have to be careful not to leave a trail behind.
Yuki finished drying Shuichi off and tenderly helped him into one of his shirts since all of Shuichi's were soaked from all of the rain and snow. Shuichi's eyes brightened as he recognized Yuki's unique blend of cigarettes, coffee, and something that he couldn't identify, but that definitely smelled good. He couldn't believe that Yuki was actually letting him use his shirt. He used to get mad when he found Shuichi wearing one of his shirts after coming back from a book tour.
However, despite how many times he was yelled at, Shuichi continued to wear them when Yuki went on tours, for the longing for Yuki's nearness was so strong, that in order to stay calm, Shuichi needed to have Yuki's scent surrounding him. He could never bring himself to sleep on the bed, though. He had never been welcomed there, and had a feeling that he never would.
At that thought, Shuichi's thoughts dampened and darkened considerably. 'Yuki's probably only lending his shirt so that I won't be cold and stay sick for much longer. He just wants me to be healthy again so that he can kick me out without having to worry about a guilty conscience weighing him down. It's not like he actually cares about me. He made that perfectly clear this afternoon.'
Yuki blinked, confused, when he noticed Shuichi's eyes, which had just been bright, suddenly turn dull and sad. He couldn't understand what he had done wrong. What was Shuichi thinking about to cause such an abrupt shift in his mood?
Suddenly, Shuichi started to fall forward, face flushed and eyes glassy. Yuki quickly stepped forward and caught him before he hit the ground, cursing himself for forgetting that Shuichi was very weak and needed to lie down and rest.
He scooped Shuichi up into his arms. He grew worried as he noticed that Shuichi was a lot lighter than the last time that Yuki had checked. Hell, he was even lighter than he had been after the Aizawa incident, and he had even grown a few inches after that.
Yuki suddenly realized that while he had been warming Shuichi up and giving him a bath, he could have easily counted all of his ribs. 'Is he losing weight because of me too?' Yuki wondered. 'Damn it! All I do is hurt him! Well, I guess there's no avoiding it, then. Once he's better, then I'm going to have to leave. He's going through so much pain because of me. It's all that I can do to help him.'
Yuki found himself deeply depressed when he considered leaving Shuichi. Without him even realizing it, Shuichi had wormed his way deep into Yuki's heart. Yuki could hardly bear the pain of the thought of leaving Shuichi. However, it was for the greater good of Shuichi, so Yuki would gladly shoulder any pain thrown his way. God knew that Shuichi had suffered through so much worse in order to protect him.
Yuki sighed and walked over to the bed to gently tuck Shuichi in. He couldn't believe how unfamiliar Shuichi looked lying there. Yuki winced when he realized that he was much more used to seeing Shuichi sleeping on the couch. He still couldn't figure out why Shuichi stayed with him, even though he was treated so badly. Why did he put up with the way that Yuki treated him?
Yuki tenderly caressed Shuichi's cheek with his knuckles, his golden eyes turning warm and soft as Shuichi leaned into his touch. However, his eyes grew sad as he remembered that he was going to be leaving Shuichi's warmth and love soon.
Yuki forced himself to move away from Shuichi and started packing his belongings. If he waited until Shuichi woke up to begin, then chances were that he would most likely not be leaving. He knew that Shuichi would beg him to stay, and Yuki had never been able to resist Shuichi's pleading amethyst eyes. He was already having trouble mustering up the will to part from Shuichi's side. Shuichi was the only light in his life, and he was the only one who was able to keep his memories and nightmares of Kitazawa at bay.
However, that was something that Yuki had never been able to do in return for Shuichi. He had woken up many times during the night in the early hours of the morning to the sounds of Shuichi's cries and screams from the couch, but he had never gone to comfort him, figuring it to be too much trouble that early in the morning. In the morning, he would find Shuichi curled up on the couch in the morning, looking half dead. He would usually come home late and depressed, since he wouldn't get any work done at the studio since he was too tired and had the memories of Aizawa fresh in his mind.
On the other hand, whenever Yuki woke up from nightmares of Kitazawa, he always woke up with his head on Shuichi's lap, slender fingers running tenderly and lovingly through his lush blonde hair, lulling him back to a sleep filled with peaceful dreams. He would wake up in the mornings feeling the same, if not better than he usually did. Then, he would proceed to kick Shuichi out of his room and yell at him, disregarding anything that he had to say. On these days as well, he would come home late and depressed, mind too preoccupied on how Yuki was mad at him to sing.
Yuki now felt like such an ass, realizing that even though he always put Shuichi through so much crap, his pink haired lover still openly gave him all of his love that Yuki didn't deserve, and then some, as well. Yuki couldn't think of anything good that he had done for Shuichi. Sure, he let Shuichi live in his apartment, but it wasn't like he ever tried to make it feel like a home to him. If anything, he always did his best to convince Shuichi that he didn't belong and was just a nuisance. It was no wonder that Shuichi had been cutting himself. Between Yuki's words and his treatment towards Shuichi, Yuki could easily understand how Shuichi came to rely on a blade.
Finally finished packing, Yuki slid his suitcase under the bed, making sure that none of it was sticking out. He gently brushed Shuichi's bangs away from his forehead and quickly snatched his hand away as he felt how hot Shuichi's forehead was. He was much hotter that he had been when Yuki had been before. Yuki checked Shuichi's temperature and was shocked when the thermometer read 104.8° F. Shit! Shuichi's fever was really serious. He had no choice now, but to take Shuichi to the hospital.
Yuki bundled Shuichi up in a warm blanket and carried him out to his car. He gently placed Shuichi into the passenger seat, making sure the blanket was secure around him before buckling him in. He then walked around the car, slid into the driver's seat, and sped off to the hospital.
Yuki sat by Shuichi's hospital bed, his eyes, for once, betraying his emotions. Worry was clearly evident in his molten gold eyes, the ice that usually formed an unbreakable layer over them absent. Yuki couldn't believe how small and weak the usually larger-than-life singer looked. Once again, this firmed his wavering resolve to leave Shuichi. After all, Shuichi wouldn't be in this condition if it weren't for Yuki's cruelty towards him.
Yuki decided that he would wait until Shuichi was better before leaving. He wanted to be sure that Shuichi was able to take care of himself before he left him alone. Until then, all that he could do was sit back and wait.
Yuki woke up in the middle of the night as he felt his cell vibrate against his thigh. Shuichi stirred slightly before settling down again as Yuki shifted to turn the alarm off. They had returned to Yuki's apartment around a week ago, and had begun to settle back into their old schedules. Yuki had decided that it was finally time to leave Shuichi's side, since Shuichi was able to stand on his own two feet. As well as that, if he ever needed anyone to help him, he always had his family and band members to look after him.
Yuki slowly slipped out of bed, careful not to rouse Shuichi. He quietly slid his suitcase out from under the bed and stepped out of the bedroom. On the way out, he stopped by the kitchen and wrote a quick note to Shuichi. After gathering the rest of his belongings, Yuki finally made his way towards his front door. Hi gave one last glance over the apartment before turning and walking out.
Shuichi tossed and turned in his sleep as images of his rapists' faces flashed through his mind. He could feel them forcing themselves into him, heedless of the pained cries that spilled forth from his lips. Suddenly, the images changed, and instead, it was Yuki standing before him. Shuichi reached out to him to saved his from his pain, but Yuki stepped away from his touch, disgust clearly showing on his handsome features. Shuichi froze and could only watch as Yuki walked away from him.
[Someone said a broken heart
Will sting at first then make you stronger.
Wonder why this pain remains.
Were hearts made whole just to break?
Shuichi's eyes snapped open and his arm automatically reached out to touch Yuki. A heart-wrenching cry escaped his lips instead, as he felt the cold, empty space beside him. As his eyes snapped around the room, he realized that it was void of most of Yuki's possessions.
Shuichi shot out of bed and raced through the apartment, his heart breaking into smaller and smaller pieces with every room that he passed through that did not have Yuki in it. He was just about to enter the study when he noticed a piece of paper on the kitchen counter.
'Please!' Shuichi thought, "Please be a note saying that he had to go to an urgent meeting, or press conference, or book signing, or something! Please don't be a not saying that Yuki's leaving. I won't be able to bear it anymore if it is!'
Shuichi slowly and hesitantly made his way towards to note. However, what it said broke the rest of his heart into powder.
I'm leaving. Don't look for me. I'm not coming back. It's for the best.
[You know you pray this can't be the way.
You cry. You say something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine.
Shuichi froze. He could even cry, because the pain that flooded through his senses was so intense. However, when he was finally able to move, one could only wish that he wasn't, for he moved straight for the knife drawer. The moonlight entranced Shuichi as it glinted off the blade, making it look ethereal. A mantra of 'down the road, not across the street' was forming in his head, joining in with his usual mantra of 'I love Yuki.' However, 'too dirty' and 'not good enough' were quickly emerging from the dark corners of his mind, as well.
Shuichi sank sown into a corner of the kitchen, gaze still fixed on the knife. A morbid fascination passed over his features as he watched blood flow down his arm to form a puddle on the floor after he dragged the knife jaggedly from his wrist to his elbow.
[Creator, only you take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again.
'I have no life without Yuki,' Shuichi thought as his vision began to fade. 'Yuki is my life.'
Shuichi's eyes slid to the door as he saw the doorknob turning. A small, sardonic smile graced his lips as he watched Yuki walk right past him without even looking at him.
"Sayonara, Yuki," Shuichi whispered as his world faded to black. "Aishiteru."
Yuki got into his car and was almost out of the apartment complex when he realized that he had forgotten his laptop in the study. He cursed and pulled back into his parking space. When he reached the elevator, he was exasperated to see that it was on the top floor. Yuki tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for the elevator to descend, ignoring the receptionist's annoyed sigh.
Yuki snorted as the elevator finally arrived five minutes later. It would have been better for him to climb the stairs. He stepped into the elevator and waited for it to reach the right floor. Once it did, Yuki walked to his door, quietly inserted the key, and opened the door, knowing that Shuichi was usually still asleep around this time. Yuki began walking straight to his study, not even glancing into the kitchen on his way past it. Yuki spun around in fear when he heard a whisper, not because of the voice, but because of what the voice said.
"Sayonara, Yuki. Aishiteru."
Yuki ran to the kitchen, where he had heard the voice come from, and froze at the sight that would forever be burned into his mind. Shuichi was laying collapsed in a pool of his own blood.
I hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and let me know what you think, alright? Arigatou!