Worse Than Death
By Renegade Raine
With help from Crazy Pig
Grimmjow was pissed. He finally had a chance to face off against Ichigo one-on-one, but Aizen forced him to stay back and do some moronic job that a preschool brat could have done. By the time he was done though, Ichigo was long out of the area. This time though, he'd get back at that uppity bastard.
Aizen had told all members of the Espada to gather in the central room for a meeting at eight o'clock sharp, but for once, Grimmjow was early to the meeting. In fact, no one else had made it to the room yet. He wasn't quite sure how he was going to do it, but he had to figure out how to humiliate Aizen. He looked around the room for possibilities.
Put some nails in Aizen's chair? No…Aizen was probably smart enough to look down at his seat before sitting down. The idea of him walking around with nails in his ass was still amusing though.
Set a booby trap? No…this room was so boring that there wasn't any areas where a trap could be set.
But then, at the edge of the table, Grimmjow spotted the key to Aizen's humiliation. With a toothy grin, Grimmjow eyed the familiar teapot. Chuckling to himself, Grimmjow was delighted to see that it was warm, meaning that another arrancar had prepared the tea for him already. Humming to himself, he grabbed the teapot and turned around. The prick would finally get what was coming to him.
A few minutes later…
Finally, the rest of the Espada started filling into the room. Aizen had arrived before any of the Espada, and was pleasantly surprised when he saw Grimmjow waiting in his designated spot. It took Grimmjow everything for him not to burst out laughing as he watched him sit down at his spot at the end of the table.
As Aizen started to pour himself a cup of tea, Grimmjow had to bite his lip to keep himself from laughing. Halibel, in the meantime, had just made her way into the room and noticed Grimmjow's peculiar behavior, but said nothing about it, as Noitora started to hit on her again.
Finally, Aizen brought the cup to his lips, and Grimmjow muffled the laugh that started to come out. Aizen's eyes furrowed for a moment before he promptly spat his tea out. He had tasted quite a few flavors of tea before, but never had he tried the kind with urine mixed in with it. Grimmjow could no longer hold it, and thought he would die with laughter. Needless to say, Aizen was not happy.
"Who the hell urinated in my tea?" Aizen asked as calmly as possible, although it was obvious that he was fuming about it. Upon hearing the question, Noitora, Aaroniero, and Szayel Aporro joined in on the laughter. Ulquiorra sighed and Halibel only shook her head. All the other Espada weren't in the room yet. Upon hearing the laughter of the majority of the Espada present, Aizen scowled.
"You know what? I've had enough of you bastards." Aizen said with gritted teeth. The laughing Espada immediately stopped, as even a mild cuss word as "bastard" was pretty uncharacteristic for Aizen and they all knew they were in trouble. "So I'm going to show you guys just how good you had it here as you are all going to live in the living world from now on in the gigai I created for all of you."
"Gigai? Like hell I'm gonna go in some weak ass thing like that." Grimmjow stated, but was instantly made quiet by Aizen's reiatsu.
"Oh, I think you'll do anything I say." Aizen said menacingly.
"Aizen-sama, when you say all of us, do you really mea-" Ulquiorra started, but was immediately cut off.
"ALL of you are going, as I've had enough of your foolish foolery!" Aizen spat out. Ulquiorra wanted to point out how absurd the last part of Aizen's sentence sounded, but he figured it would be best to keep quiet. Aizen then promptly left the room, leaving the rest of the Espada to look at each other.
"You just had to do it, didn't you?" Halibel said with a dismayed sigh to Grimmjow.
"Yeah, but it was totally worth it." Grimmjow said with a shrug. "Besides, how bad could the living world be?"
An hour later, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Noitora, Aaroniero, Szayel Aporro, and Halibel found themselves at a truck stop in the human world in their gigai forms. No longer did any of them have their own signature skull remnant on their face, so aside from their weird hair colors and outlandish eyeliner (especially in Ulquiorra's case), they almost looked like actual humans. Luckily, Aizen had some mercy for Aaroniero and gave him a gigai in the form of Kaien Shiba.
"So…what do we suppose we do now?" Aaroniero asked.
"I suggest finding a place to live immediately." Ulquiorra suggested.
"Yeah, except things like that require money." Szayel Aporro noted with a sigh. "And we don't have any."
"Well, we're at the right place to get some money real quick, if ya know what I mean." Noitora said with a small smirk creeping upon his lips.
"Care to elaborate?" Ulquiorra spoke. Noitora gave Ulquiorra a look to see if he really wasn't following him, but then Noitora remembered that Ulquiorra was more book smart than street smart.
"It's easy. We're at a truck stop." Noitora started to explain. "Do you know what kind of profession is popular at these kinds of places?"
"Truck drivers." Ulquiorra deadpanned, and Noitora smacked his own head in response.
"Well…yeah, but that's not what I'm getting at." Noitora said before looking around. Finally, he found a middle aged woman dressed in tight clothes that did nothing to enhance her lumpy figure. "I'm talking about prostitutes! The truck drivers get lonely being on the road all day, and then pay to get a little nookie."
"Nookie?" Ulquiorra asked. Noitora nearly answered the question for him, but Halibel spoke up first.
"You don't want to know. The meaning is lewd, to say the least." She answered and turned to Noitora. "And who do you suggest do the job? Are you going to volunteer?"
"Fuck no!" Noitora hissed. "I'm the pitcher, not the catcher!"
"That's not what happened last time we-" Halibel started to mutter, but was immediately cut off.
"I told you not to say anything about that!" Noitora yelled while he attempted to put his hands around her throat to strangle him. She countered by kicking him in his most sensitive spot. As he crouched on the ground in pain, the other Espada could only laugh at him. Ulquiorra even looked slightly amused.
"Ulquiorra is the biggest bitch out of all of us." Grimmjow finally spoke. "I say that he takes one for the team."
"According to my calculations and my impromptu experiments…" Szayel Aporro started as he thought deeply. "…yeah, he is the biggest bitch of all of us. Excellent hypothesis, Grimmjow."
"It's settled then, ain't it?" Grimmjow stated and turned to stare at Ulquiorra. "Get out there and make us some money!"
At first, Ulquiorra had no reaction, but all of the sudden, a dark cloud of impending doom appeared all around him. He closed his eyes for a second, but then looked up at Grimmjow in an expression that seemed dry at first, but became quite intimidating. In one simple word, Ulquiorra stated his opinion on the matter.
The other Espada stood motionless in absolute terror for a couple of moments before the woman sighed and brought forth the next suggestion. "Why don't we just try to find a place to rent for now and then see if they'll wait a month for payment?"
"Pfft, that beats the hell out of Noitora's idea." Grimmjow commented. "If we stay here any longer, I'm gonna burn this place down by lighting those greasy fuckers on fire."
"That sounds kind of fun, actually." Aaroniero added, but the female dragged him and Grimmjow off as they made their way toward the nearest real estate building.
About an hour later and several screaming arguments with the real estate agent later, the agent found a man who said he would consider the Espada's late payment idea and gave them directions to the house that was being put up for rent.
Before the group could make it's way to the house though, they came across a cat in the middle of the sidewalk of where they needed to go. Grimmjow narrowed his eyes and contemplated on whether he should kick it out of the way or just walk around it. He didn't have to think about it too hard though, because Aaroniero stepped in front of him and kicked it instead.
The cat gave a pathetic little cry before it narrowed its eyes and attacked Aaroniero. Grimmjow and Noitora laughed hysterically as Aaroniero struggled with the cat. The best part was that the cat was winning.
"Shouldn't we help him?" Szayel Aporro suggested and watched the fight a little longer and gave a little smirk. "On second thought, this is much more amusing."
A few minutes later, the dust cleared and Aaroniero twitched a little on the ground, and stared at the rest of his group. He hated his weak (but pretty) gigai at that moment as he felt the life drain away from him.
"No…not like this!" Aaroniero exclaimed. "I cannot…be defeated…by a fucking cat!"
Unfortunately for him, he died shortly afterwards. Noitora knew it was bad, but he snorted as he tried to stifle a laugh. Halibel bitch slapped him in reaction. Grimmjow, in the mean time stared the cat down. There was no way that he was going to allow a cat was going to stop them from getting a place to sleep.
"Bring it on, ya fuckin' cat!" Grimmjow sneered, and the cat did not hold back as it began its attack. Aaroniero was the lowest ranked Espada out of all of them, so it was no surprise that a cat would defeat him. However, Grimmjow was three ranks ahead of him and barely managed to survive the fight. Somehow the cat had still managed to beat him.
"Amateur." A feminine voice droned as Grimmjow gave the cat an incredulous look.
"If you think you can beat that thing, then by all means, go for it!" Grimmjow yelled.
"Very well." Halibel spoke as she stepped ahead of the blue-haired Espada. She stared the cat for a few moments before bending down a little and allowing the cat to climb atop her shoulder. She then stood up at looked at the dumbfounded expression of Grimmjow. "As I said, you're an amateur."
She continued to walk ahead as the rest followed behind her, including Grimmjow who trailed behind and let out a string of curse words under his breath.
Finally, the group had reached the house, even if the quality of the house was dilapidated at best. Unimpressed, the five of them continued looking around the house as they speculated where their rooms would be.
"I do not like the conditions of this house." Ulquiorra stated. "I say we find another place."
"In case you forgot, it's not like we have much choice without any money." Szayel Aporro countered.
"I just want to see what kind of dumb ass landlord would let us live in any house without paying first." Noitora added, but he didn't have to wait long as the door flew open dramatically.
"Hello!" the voice spoke, and everyone was slightly disturbed by the fact that they all somehow heard that squiggly mark being spoken in that man's speech. But as soon as they saw who came through the door, they started to worry a little for their own sake. It was easy to tell who it was, as the guy could be spotted anywhere with that ridiculous green and white striped hat he wore. Urahara took a look at all of them and brought his hand to his chin. "Somehow, you guys seem familiar…where have I seen you before?"
"We never met." Halibel spoke before any of the guys could say something completely stupid to blow their cover.
"Indeed, this is the first time we ever spoke." Ulquiorra added, knowing the importance of keeping Urahara in the dark about their real identities.
"Hmm…if you say so." Urahara said unconvincingly. "So anyways, are you guys up for renting this place out?"
"Yeah…we'll take this shit hole." Grimmjow said bluntly. Urahara gave him a wary gaze, but continued on.
"Now, I'm a nice kind of guy, so I'll let you all stay here for free until you get used to this place. But if you don't have any money for me in a month, you'll all be very sorry." Urahara stated as his eyes narrowed in a way that at least slightly intimidated, but quickly changed to his earlier cheery expression. "Are we clear?"
"Yeah…we're clear, sir." Szayel Aporro finally spoke up.
"Excellent! 3!" Urahara exclaimed as everyone tried to figure out how they heard a heart in his speech. "I just need you guys to sign these papers, and we're good to go!"
Everyone signed the papers and Urahara took his leave. The group then stood in silence for a couple of minutes before Noitora flexed a little. "So what do you guys suppose we do to get some money?"
"I believe it's called getting a job." Halibel answered.
"God damn, I know that!" Noitora exclaimed. "I'm just asking where the hell we're going to get these supposed jobs!"
"Well the local mall seems to have a wide variety of places to chose to work." Szayel Aporro quipped as he looked through a directory.
"The mall it is then." Ulquiorra stated.
"Why the hell were we the only ones sent to this place anyways?" Grimmjow asked. "I mean there's four others who're still living it up in Hueco Mundo."
"The others had not come back from their missions yet." Ulquiorra answered.
"Yeah, I figured that. But where the hell was Yammy and why isn't he here suffering with us now?"
"He does have an interesting point." Szayel Aporro agreed. "I passed him in the hallway as I was walking to the meeting. He seemed to be rushing toward something, but I wonder what it was…"
Meanwhile, at Hueco Mundo…
"Are you done in there yet?" a random arrancar protested on the other side of the door.
"Yeah, yeah…I'm coming." Yammy mumbled as he went out of the door, which leaked a terrible smell. "That's the last time I eat that cook's Mexican food."
"I hope so, you've been in the bathroom for three whole hours." The arrancar said under his breath as he plugged his nose and entered. Despite Yammy's three hours of digestive problems though, he would later be thankful that it saved him from a lot more torment that the others in the living world were currently experiencing.
Wow…this is by far the most cracked out thing I've EVER actually written. I make comics for Kingdom Hearts, but I never actually wrote pure comedy crack like this. Originally, I was going to make a comic out of this and my sister, Crazy Pig was going to draw it…but our scanner crapped out on us.
As far as the future of this fic goes, it will probably never have an end. This will be something I update when I can't decide which project to work on next. To those of you curious, I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm more motivated to finally write another chapter of my Xaldin/Belle fanfic, write a GrimmHime oneshot, work on actually getting an idea on the Ryuuken/Gin challenge from LJ (I don't typically like yaoi, but I don't like passing up challenges specifically assigned to me either), or write a smutty Orochimaru/Tsunade oneshot. I've been tempted lately to write a Girlkar/Noitora hate-sex oneshot too lately. However, I don't want to remain idle in writing while trying to decide between those, so I decided to finally start this.
Feel free to criticize if you really want to, but I'm probably already aware of most of the stuff I've erred on. This is a crack fic though, so I'm not really that concerned about my writing technique that much. I'm pretty sure Arronio was out of character, and I don't think I quite got the hang of Zaera-Polo's character for starters. And Ulquiorra was made blissfully ignorant in some parts for humor.
As far as Arronio dying in this chapter…that was actually an impromptu decision on my part as I read the spoilers for the upcoming manga chapter and didn't want to rewrite the whole story to accommodate for him dying in the manga (I put a spoiler warning, so don't complain if I spoiled it). Besides, dying by a cat is a great way to die. In a comedic sort of way.
The other Espada didn't come along, because it's already hard enough not knowing Girlkar's actual name. As soon as the manga reveals more information about the unnamed Espada though, I might have them piss Aizen off and be sent to live with the rest of the Espada. As far as Yammy goes, I wanted to keep him in Hueco Mundo for humorous interaction with Aizen and the rest of the gang there.
Oh, and before anyone can ask, the cat is NOT Yoruichi. It's an actual cat. That pwns.
In the next chapter, Grimmjow and the rest of the gang invade the mall to find themselves jobs. Will they all manage to get jobs? And more importantly, where will they work? Find out in the next chapter
UPDATE: I changed the names, so quit bugging me about it, dammit!