Disclaimer: It's Toei's sandbox. I just play here because it's fun.
Author's Note: This was some pure silliness I wrote a while ago. This takes some liberties with the timeline of GoGo Sentai Boukenger Vs. Super Sentai. In this, it is assumed that the whole group (the Boukengers, Nanami, Asuka, Tetsu, Hikaru and Tsubasa) is staying overnight at the SGS Museum. For whatever reason, Tetsu, Hikaru and Eiji have decided to go out and get smashed. I don't know what prompted them to do that.
Also, special thanks to the fabulous author Anne Bishop. If you don't know why, don't worry about it. Also, forgive Satoru becoming the father figure overmuch. With that, enjoy or not. It's up to you.
NIGHT ON THE TOWN
By Etcetera Kit
Inou Masumi walked into the salon of the SGS Museum and stopped short. Akashi was sitting at the table, his cell phone in front of him, looking like he very much wanted to run away. Masumi slowly stepped into the room, not sure why he thought sudden movements would send Akashi into a rage. All he wanted was some coffee. Could he get out of here with the coffee, unscathed? He didn't know, but was willing to risk all for the caffeine.
He turned towards Akashi and plastered a fake smile on his face. No coffee for now. "Yeah," he responded slowly, still inching towards the percolator.
"Is there any place I can hide?"
That stopped Masumi dead in his tracks. "Hide?"
Akashi nodded. Did he look a little… faint?
The thief in Masumi kicked in. "That depends on who you want to hide from," he started slowly. "If you want to hide out in town, all you have to do is change your name and routine." Thugs who become choir boys are not easily found. "If you're hiding from the cops, I'd recommend leaving the country. If you want to hide from the others, there are some places in Japan that it would take even Souta a long time to think of." Curiosity getting the better of him, he finally asked, "Why?"
"Where's Eiji?" Akashi asked instead.
"And who's with him?"
"Tetsu-san and Hikaru-san, but I don't see why—"
Akashi inched his cell phone towards Masumi. Sighing, he crossed the room picked up the device. He read the text message once, read it again and laughed. It was from a local bar owner, who dealt in artifacts on the side. Someone Akashi had known for a few years.
Your subordinates are having a wonderful time. Please come collect them.
"I've never been this drunk before," Hikaru moaned.
"Sure you have!" Eiji said, almost too cheerfully for the situation.
"I think I have." Tetsu sounded a little confused.
"Maybe a couple times in the stupid phase of my youth," Hikaru corrected himself. "But not since I because a Heavenly Saint. My body burns it up too fast to get drunk."
"Not this time." Tetsu added after a long, very thoughtful pause. "I've been this drunk."
"Really? When?" Eiji actually looked interested.
The situation was oddly surreal. Here they were, sitting on a curb outside a bar in Tokyo. He couldn't quite remember the reason that the proprietor had tossed them out here. Saints, if Urara saw him like this… he'd never hear the end of it. Precisely the reason why they had to figure out some way to stay at the SGS Museum… or get back there. A solution to that problem was not forthcoming.
"Last time I went camping with Ban," Tetsu was saying. "Big mistake. Should have remembered it. Would have, too, if I'd been sober when I did remember it."
After a minute's painful effort, Hikaru gave up trying to decipher that comment and found something else to think about. "I've never been thrown out of a bar before."
"Sure you have!" Eiji said in a hearty voice that made all of them whimper.
Hikaru shook his head and realized his mistake too late. Even when he managed to stop, the world around him continued moving back and forth. What was left of his brain sloshed noisily inside his skull. He swallowed carefully.
"I've been thrown out of galaxies and wasn't allowed back because that wasn't Special Police territory… but that's different," Tetsu said.
"Iz all right," Eiji said. "In a few weeks, Aiko will welcome us with open arms."
"She didn't seem like a foolish woman," Hikaru stated. "Why would she do that?"
"Because we provide a restraining influence."
"On what?" Hikaru asked, while Tetsu said at the same time, "We do?"
They stared at each other until a cab pulled up to the curb. The noise roughly equaled a marching band on steroids to his mind. Whimpering, he held his head between his hands, trying to remember how he ended up in this situation in the first place.
Hikaru braced himself, absolutely certain that hearing the car door slam would kill him.
"Dear God," Masumi said, choking back laughter. "They're pathetic."
"Aren't they?" There was no laughter in Satoru's reply.
The soft footsteps approaching them made the world vibrate.
"Please don't yell," Eiji whimpered.
"I wouldn't dream of yelling," Satoru said in a voice that, nonetheless, rattled Hikaru's bones. "There'd be no point in yelling. You'd all be on the ground, insensible, after the first word. So I'll save the lecture until you're sober enough to listen to it, because I intend to deliver it with considerable volume. The only question I want answered right now is what in the name of hell did you three pour down your throats to get in this condition?"
"Vodka," Eiji said seriously.
"And whiskey," Tetsu added.
"How much?" Satoru asked ominously.
Tetsu took a couple of careful breaths. "Not sure. Things got a bit blurry after the seventh one."
"After the—" Long pause. "Are any of you capable of walking?"
"Sure," Eiji mumbled. It took him a couple of tries, but he got to his feet.
Not to be outdone, Hikaru stood up too—and regretted it. Tetsu, smart person that he was, remained sitting on the curb.
"Natsuki," Satoru said. Where had she come from? "You take Eiji—he isn't listing quite as much."
"That's because I didn't finish the drinks." Eiji pointed at Hikaru, tried to point at Tetsu, tipped and almost flattened Natsuki against the cab. "That's why you're so drunk. I told you not to finish them."
Tetsu tried to make a rude noise, but ended up spitting on Masumi.
Without further comment, Hikaru was hauled into the cab and dropped down a terrifying distance onto the seat. Somehow, four other people were wedged into the cab and they made it to the SGS Museum. He was hauled up a horribly steep set of stairs. Once he reached the guest quarters, he tried to lie down, but was hauled upright and undressed while Satoru's ire made the room pulse.
"Do you need a basin?" Satoru asked, with no sympathy whatsoever.
"No," Hikaru replied meekly.
Finally, he was allowed to lie down. The last thing he remembered was Satoru snorting something about "bakas."
Satoru shut the door to Hikaru's temporary living quarters at the same time Natsuki stepped out of Eiji's room.
"I appreciate your assistance," he said as they met at the top of the stairs.
Natsuki giggled. "I wouldn't have missed this for the world."
They started down the stairs.
"You got Eiji settled?"
"He snarled a lot and kept telling me to keep my hands off him since I'm dating Masumi. He didn't want to get undressed, but I pointed out that he should know better than to try to get into bed wearing shoes in that condition. While we wrestled with his shoes, we pondered how that little fish got wedged under the laces."
Satoru stopped at the foot of the stairs. "How did it get under the laces?"
"He has no idea. So I gave the fish a proper burial at sea, so to speak, managed to convince Ei-chan that stripping to the waist was not improper, since I'm pretty much family, and let what was left of him fall into bed." Natsuki looked around. "Say, what happened to Masumi and Tetsu?"
"No idea. I just hope he's having better luck with Tetsu than you did with Eiji."
"What about Hikaru?"
"He was pretty tame. Seemed almost bewildered to find himself in that situation."
"When they wake up, I'm sure we'll find out that Ei-chan was responsible for the whole mess."
Masumi appeared at the top of the stairs, meeting them at the bottom.
"Even stinking drunk, you can still tell Tetsu is a Deka," he said, shaking his head.
"Oh yeah?" Natsuki asked, looking amused.
"If he hadn't been listing so badly, the combat move might have actually worked." Masumi grinned. "It was harder getting him off the floor and into bed."
"Maybe we should have just put them all in one bed," Natsuki mused. "Then let them wonder how they got there."
Masumi snickered. "And I found a fish in his jacket pocket."
"What's with the fish?" Satoru muttered. "I didn't find any fish on Hikaru."
"That you know of." Masumi glanced at the wall clock. "So… breakfast?"
Natsuki smiled, laughing. Satoru found himself following suit. It was never dull around here…
4 December 2006