A/N: This is my 40th lfn fic!!
Disclaimer: I do not own LFN
Everything In Me
The setting is strange enough. I'm sitting on the balcony of Nikita's apartment, sitting leisurely on a lawn chair. There's a wineglass in one hand, and an arrangement of cards beneath my other.
There's also a beautiful woman in front of me. She's glowing in her serenity. She looks amazing tonight, though she's only dressed in sweats. I'm filled with happiness, so rare an emotion for me, just watching her.
But what am I doing? I'm playing cards with her. Cards.
Black Jack, in fact. And I have to wonder, as I look over at this great woman who's buttery silk, nearly flawless skin is bathed in the pure light of the full moon, why I'm trying to focus on making my cards match up as close to twenty one as possible when there's a woman like that in front of me?
Oh yes. I remember. She's my material. Has been for just over two years. A recruit. A new operative, still on probation. Someone who can be cancelled in the blink of an eye.
I've been wounded enough in my lifetime. I don't need any more scars. I don't need attachment to this woman.
But it's so tempting. Her easy smile. Her warm eyes. Her radiating innocence. When I'm around her, I don't feel like a horrible, monstrous murderer. I don't feel like the inside of my chest is nothing but a dark, empty, gaping hole. My sorrows and my problems fade away.
Most people think I'm heartless. Ruthless. Cold. Nikita doesn't seem see me that way, not usually. It's as if she doesn't even notice what lies beneath my exterior. But she see my scars. She tries to sooth them. She takes my focus away from my problems.
Unfortunately, when my mind isn't hard at work, it thinks it's allowed to wander. To dangerous places. Dangerous thoughts.
Like how it would be, to lean over the table, send the deck of cards to the floor and a few flying off the balcony, grab her and kiss the daylights out of her. Until she sees who I am. Until she accepts me. Until I can allow her to accept me.
Dangerous. Yes, this woman is very much so. I fear for her easiness to attach herself to those around her. I fear my weakening resolve.
I can't let temptation lead me astray. It would be the worst possible thing for me to do.
She hits twenty one. For the fifth time in a row. I owe her twenty one bucks. Her laugh is musical. Magical. I want to drown in it. In that temporary look of bliss in her swimmy, blue eyes.
But I can't. I know I can't. So I fish out my wallet, place two bills on the table in front of her, and stand up. "Good game." I barely get out the words, my throat is so dry. My spirit is broken from my great struggle. I know I have to get away.
"I'll see you tomorrow." I whisper.
It takes everything in me to just turn and walk away.