Every Ounce of Warmth
You must read "Bitter Cold" by astral-angel before reading this.
This is the sequel that she never wrote.
And you can suck my ass if you think I'm gonna take it down like you tried to make me do 3 years ago. It's been 3 years
and you STILL haven't written your own sequel!
I'm sitting in this dark little room, waiting and waiting forever to hear what the police have to say. They're keeping me here when I should be with you. You're in a hospital on the brink of death and they want me here. I don't understand. It's not like I killed you. You did this all to yourself. To yourself…
I couldn't believe the words I heard J.R. telling me this morning. I was only half asleep at first, but then I heard your name and the words 'something horrible.' That set me wide awake. Instantly my eyes were wide and my body rigid. I was shaking as he told me that you'd been found nearly dead in your home. And what was worse is that you had been all alone. No break in. No attempted murder. No. You'd been all alone. With a knife.
I startle as the policeman comes in. He doesn't say much to me aside asking me my name and telling me to listen carefully. He sets a tape player in front of me and hits the button, and then it's your voice coming through the speaker. At least I think… Yes, it is. But my God you sound so different. You're speaking in a monotone that I've never heard before. So empty… Why would you talk like that?
And as I listen to you speaking of me, about the pain I caused to you, I feel the icy chill pass through me. Just as I've made you feel so cold now I feel the same. But it's a cold dreading that has taken me over. I know what this is. This is your suicide note, spoken instead of written out. You were always better with words.
"I never thought that I would do this… I never thought I'd get to this point… Funny, I'd always thought you would never let me get to this point… Guess I was wrong about that too…"
Dear God what have I done? Did I cause all of this? Is that why I'm in a police station listening to your dying words through a tape player instead of being by your side and trying to get you to live. You probably don't want me there anyway. You don't want me and you don't want to be without me. I've done so much to hurt you and I never knew that it hurt that much. I knew you weren't happy. You missed me. My Adam… My dearest Adam, I never thought that you missed me this much. You seemed so angry. You were pretending. You had to act like I hadn't killed you. Dear God I killed you didn't I?
"Jay, I can't stop. My hand keeps moving over my wrist, and I can barely feel the pain. But that's wrong as well, because it should hurt. I can see my blood Jay, so it should hurt. But it doesn't hurt and I'm scared."
So monotone. So numb. I made you so cold that you couldn't feel it as you sliced your own wrists. I drove you to your death. And the tears are coursing over my face in a flood of sorrow and guilt. My only love. My dearest. Adam, I would never have done this to you on purpose. I only meant to set you free. I was holding you back and you needed to leave me. Don't you see that? Why can't you see I did it all for you? I drove you away so you could go on to better things. And you did. You rose so quickly towards the top without me hanging on. It's too bad your neck kept you from achieving everything you deserved. But now what Adam? What can you do now? What can I do?
"I don't want it anymore. Jay, I'm sorry. I don't want this, I don't want you to go… Don't leave me in the dark Jay, I'm scared. Please don't go Jay, I need you… You promised me you wouldn't leave Jay… I'm sorry Jay… Don't go…"
Your dying breath. Nearly your final words. You were begging for me to hold you and stay with you. I abandoned you. All this time I thought that I was pushing you away, forcing you to abandon me, and it had been the other way around. I had dropped you like a stone into a pit of despair. And I'd never realized what I'd done.
"Can I go now?"
"Yes, sir. I think you better."
Why couldn't they have done this at the hospital? It would've been so much easier on me. I have to get to you. I know already that you don't have long. They were begging me to hurry to your side to say goodbye before it was too late. Damn police. Damn them! Adam, please, hold on. I'm coming. I won't leave you in the dark again.
Adam? You're still here… barely. I've never seen a more painful sight in my life, aside from maybe you lying in the middle of the ring after I hit you. But this can't compare. This is too much. So many wires and tubes… All sustaining your life. They said it's amazing you still have full brain activity. But you can't breathe on your own right now. You can't open your eyes. Even with the blood they've replenished you're still out cold. Cold. Cold to the touch as I run my hand over your lovely face. So pale. So sickly. Your eyes are purple ringed so terribly that they're black around the edges.
I did this to you. You held the knife, but I made the slices and I drew the blood. All of this is my fault. Nothing I do will ever make up for this. A chair shot might've been forgiven, but not an arrow through the heart. But I'm going to try my damnedest. You hear me, Adam? Dearest, can you feel me squeeze your hand? Can you hear my sobs as I stare into your motionless face and know that I nearly killed the only person I've ever loved? I pray you can. I pray you know I'm hear. I'm so sorry for everything, Adam. Please wake up. Wake up. I'd give my life to just see your emerald eyes.
That's what it should've been, Adam. This should be me in this bed. Hell, it should've been me on the bathroom floor in a puddle of blood. I don't deserve to be in this chair. I don't deserve to be allowed near you after all that I've done, but you begged for me. You asked and I came. I'll never leave until you tell me to. No, Adam. I'll never leave you in the dark. I'll be here forever, baby.
"I love you."
If only you could hear me. If you could just wake up then I could tell you everything. I could apologize a thousand times over. Not that it would matter now. You can't forgive me. I actually hope you never do because I truly don't deserve it. But if it's any consolation I am sorry. I've never been more sorry in my life.
Your hand… Did I imagine that? No. No, you're squeezing my hand! And as I stare so intensely into your face, looking for a sign of life, I'm blessed with the first glimpse of those stunning green orbs. Your eyes open, pupils dilated at first, but slowly gaining focus. I can't resist reaching out to touch you, brushing your hair away from your face. But you're looking at me now. I wish to God you weren't. I wish I could make myself disappear. I want to comfort you and hold you, but Adam, don't lay your eyes upon me. I'm not worthy of your stare. I can't stand to see the pain that still lingers there. I've betrayed you. I wish I could go back through time and fix everything for us, Adam. I wish…
Sweet Adam. Please, don't say my name. I don't deserve to be here. No, don't squeeze my hand. Don't touch my cheek. Your hand is so soft. So tender. I love you. I've never stopped loving you. I'll love you forever no matter what happens between us. Let me kiss you just once. Once to say I'm sorry, I love you. Your lips are swollen and dry, but I've never felt anything more wonderful. I could kiss you for eternity.
"Jay… I'm so—"
"No. It's my fault." Please hear this. Listen to my whispers. "Don't ever apologize. It was me. Always. I caused this. I tried to kill you without ever realizing it. But I swear, dearest, I will never ever hurt you again. I love you. I've always and forever loved you and I will never stop even if you wish it so."
No tears. Please, don't cry. You've done enough of that all this time apart. You've shed enough tears to drown me in your sorrow. Never again. Never again will you cry. I swear it. Tears of joy will be all that rain down from your eyes.
"Don't leave me… Never…leave…"
"I won't. Hell's fury couldn't tear me away from you."
"I… love you…"
Your eyes have closed again. It's too much for your weakened body to handle. But they've promised me that you'll survive. They swore that you would be okay. Thankfully you were found in time. By the grace of God you were discovered before death, still in a condition that warranted sanctuary from all the horrors that could've happened to you. You nearly made it out of your Hell, Adam, but I won't let you go that easily. Never. I'll find a better way. I'll turn your Hell into the Heaven that you always deserved. And I'll make sure that you'll never feel cold ever again. As long as you'll allow it, I'll give you every ounce of warmth I have.
My dearest Adam…
Legalities: Jay Reso is copyright to TNA Wrestling. Adam Copeland, and any other mentioned characters are property of World Wrestling Entertainment. I claim no knowledge of each of the characters sexual preferences or lives. This is a story of fiction, none of these events are real. I received absolutely no profit from this story. Original idea credited to Mauzi aka astral-angel.