Disclaimer: Excuse me, are you telling me that I don't own Harry Potter? Well, that explains the massive amount of fame and wealth I don't have. Yeah, I guess the HP genre isn't mine.

Summary: Sirius always jokingly flirts with Remus, but one day he admits that he isn't pretending. One-shot dialogue fic.

Pretending

"I'm bored."

"Are you really, Padfoot? Wow, it's so much more interesting when you say it the twentieth time."

"…I'm bored."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"I can think of a lot you could do."

"Don't look at me like that. It's very distracting."

"How do you know the way I'm looking at you when you've been ogling at your book this whole time?"

"I can feel your eyes on me. It's making me uncomfortable."

"Would you prefer feeling a different part of my body on you?"

"Not particularly…You're still giving me that face."

"All right Mr. Masterfully-Minded Moony, which way am I looking at you?"

"Like you're in dog form, and I'm a big, juicy bone."

"I bet you do have a big, juicy bone. How'd you know that's what I was thinking?"

"Your mind isn't difficult to understand."

"W-what! Are you suggesting that I lack depth? You are, aren't you? I'll never forgive you for this. Never! Not unless you compliment me right now."

"You look sexy."

"Don't I always?"

"Absolutely."

"You could at least tear your pretty eyes away from your precious book when you say it."

"I could…"

"What's up you with you today? You're being sarcastic and futilely resisting my advances more than usual."

"The truth is that I'm not a werewolf. I'm actually a demi-god with supernatural psychic powers, and I've become emo since I can't control them."

"I knew it!"

"Figures."

"You have a nice one."

"A nice what?"

"Figure."

"Don't flirt with me now. I'm doing my homework."

"When you could be doing me instead? You're punishing yourself as well as me!"

"What do you have against shoving it?"

"I might have nothing against shoving 'it.' Where d'you want it shoved?"

"Is everything an innuendo with you?"

"Nope. Is everything 'in your end, hoe' with you?"

"Sirius, I'm not in the mood."

"I could put you in it. In fact, I'm so hot I could lock you in it and never let you out. Just tell me what to do."

"Knock it off. I've said I am trying to work and I'm not in the mood for your games, so stop pretending you want to have puppies with me."

"…"

"What's wrong now? What're you giving me the 'sad puppy eyes' for?"

"Pretending."

"Pardon?"

"You said I was pretending, Moony."

"Well, you are, aren't you?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Come on, be serious. – Don't you dare make any puns with you name, either. - Nobody would be interested in a scarred bookworm that has a chocolate fetish and, even if they were, they wouldn't accept me if they knew about my problem. I guess you already know that, and hit on me to make me feel better since you know I wouldn't get attention otherwise. I appreciate your good intentions, but I'd much rather you stopped 'cause only real feelings would help."

"Real feelings?"

"Of course."

"Dammit, Remus!"

"What? What's the matter?"

"School is important to you, right?"

"Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with–"

"And Quidditch is important to James, food is important to Wormtail, and gossip is important to all those girls that stare at me constantly. I mean, I know I look dashing, but don't they have anyone else to gawk at once in a while? Anyway, the point is: Am I at practise bothering Prongs? Am I in the kitchens irritating Peter? Am I downstairs in the common room traumatising the girls? No! I'm here in the dorm annoying you."

"So, I should be happy that-"

"That I want to be part of what matters to you? Yes."

"You're telling me you haven't been pretending about…"

"Yep. That okay?"

"I-I'm not your type."

"I think I can decide for myself the type of people that I fancy, thanks very much."

"But I'm not worthy of, you know…you."

"Why the bloody hell not? Yeah, you like homework and chocolate more than is strictly healthy. So what? I think it's sexy. Most people are attracted to smart and sweet things. That makes it my duty to be sure nobody else gets any ideas about you. I may not be prejudiced like the rest of the Blacks, but that doesn't mean I'm any better at sharing what I want to be mine. And your scars are nothing more than marks of you having, as dear Prongsie puts it, 'a furry little problem' during full moons, which, by the way, the fact that you can deal with and still be so kind and stuff is also sexy."

"Oh…um…I don't know what to say."

"Say you meant it."

"Meant what?"

"When you said I was sexy."

"…I did."

"I knew it; you fancy me too!"

"No."

"But you said-"

"It's, erm, quite a bit more than a crush."

"Really? Another prayer answered! Now all I need is a flying motorbike. Come here."

"Pads, I asked you not to look at me like that. I still believe you ought to have someone who's whole."

"Whole? Don't give me that. You're my opposite, the yin to my yang, and all that poetic rubbish. You make me whole, for Merlin's sake!"

"I don't know about this."

"Well, I do."

"What're you doing? Siri…This position is definitely outside of my comfort zone. Abort. Abort. Why are you doing this to me?"

"You need a reason?"

"You can't hold my wrists behind my back and use your body to pin me against the wall without explaining."

"I hadn't thought of that."

"Obviously. So, think."

"I want you to answer a question."

"And, instead of just asking it, the sensible thing to do to a person is to pin them to a wall?"

"Yes, yes, it is."

"Riiight."

"Listen, what I wanna know is what you would do if I kissed you."

"E-Excuse me? You wouldn't really, w-would you? Because I don't think I could…"

"Resist me?"

"Ye--No! It's just not a good idea."

"Of course it's a good idea; I thought of it."

"You also thought that making a proclamation that clothes were banned in the middle of Transfiguration was a good idea."

"I still think it was! Just because McGonagall didn't agree on account of the fact that she hadn't spent enough time with Dumbledore in Filch's broom closet that day isn't my fault and – Oh my, you almost got me completely off topic. Naughty Moony! Now, where was I? Ah, I remember."

"…"

"…"

"What the fudge was that, Sirius?"

"It's called a snog, and for our first one we did a smashing job."

"I know what it's called! I can't believe you…kissed me."

"You kissed back."

"Well, what was I supposed to do?"

"You didn't HAVE to do it back. You wanted me to kiss you."

"Why are you smirking?"

"I bet you want me to do it again."

"Just because I'm attracted to you, doesn't mean I want to get involved with you."

"We'll compromise. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't want to be snogged senseless I won't do it."

"I, you see, um -"

"Time's out. Pucker up."

"Enough of this. We shouldn't be – Mmf!"

"…"

"…"

"Ha! You returned my snog AGAIN! Don't want me to kiss you, my arse."

"I already admitted that I like you more than I should, but what exactly do you want from me? I won't be your boyfriend for a few weeks until you get bored with me."

"I wouldn't get bored."

"You're always bored."

"With you it's different."

"How?"

"I love you."

"…"

"Don't look so shocked. What's not to love? Everything about you is warm and wonderful. I love every overly modest, too-smart-for-your-own-good part of you. So, will you PUH-LEASE get over your 'I'm not good enough' thing?"

"Considering my deep, unquenchable affection for you, your declaration has heartened me to such a vast degree that I speculate the only remaining option is to accede to your request."

"Does that mean 'yeah, now shag me, you sex god?'"

"Close enough."

"Excellent!"

"Wait, I was joking! I'm agreeing to date you, but nothing beyond that yet."

"So soft…smells so good…"

"Padfoot, I don't – Oomph. Ooohhh. Aaahhh…"

"…Mmmm. Tastes good too…"

"That feels nice…ahh…mmm…Sweet Merlin, your hand should not be there!"

"Shh. Relax. It's all right, Remus."

"No, it isn't - Oh! Ooooo…."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Siri--Ah!--us?"

"Hmm?"

"I didn't finish my homework."

"I know. There's nothing I can do about that."

"Your hand hasn't moved."

"I know. There's nothing I can do about that."

"I'm still pinned against the wall."

"I know. There's nothing I can do about that."

"We're both wearing too many clothes."

"Now that, Moony love, is something I can fix."

Minerva's Note: This was my first attempt at a dialogue fic, so I'd appreciate it if you would review to inform me if I did well or not! May chocolate be with you!