don't really have an excuse for not updating this sooner. Mainly that my seemingly funny muse didn't hit, so I'm putting it all together as I go along. Meaning that this will probably suck. That's kinda how this story's gonna work, savvy? I update when I get an urge to, and otherwise, I look for ideas. This is out of character, sort of, and yeah. Hopefully some of it is funny. No promises though.

I don't own Twilight or New Moon. And in saying that, sadly, I do not own Edward Cullen. It's vice versa. I do, however, own some of the phrases Bella uses, the following pennames, and the Cullen's family song. Yay me!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha! has logged on

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Spiderpig, spiderpig, does whatever a spiderpig does. Can he swing from a web? No he cant, cause he's a pig! Look out! It's the spiderpig! Hang on, forget spiderpig, I have Harry Trotter! Mwahahaha!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me has logged on

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

Cause I'm a gummy bear, yes I'm a gummy bear, oh I'm a something something something something gummy bear. I'm a something bear, yes I'm a something bear, oh I'm a something something something something gummy bear, oh yeah. Ba ba dingy dingy ding dong…Emmett, my idol, how fare thee?

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Oh boy…what are you on and where do I get it? Actually, you know the one bad thing about being a vamp? I can't get drunk! Imagine that…a life of no drunkenness…oh well, there's always hope for you, eh sharkbait?

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

I don't know, maybe you could dose a bear up with alcohol – like completely – and then drink its blood…would that work?

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Bella, if only you were a vampire already…we could get up to so much trouble…and blame it on Jasper. You know, if I get reincarnated, I want both of us to come back as butterflies. No one suspects the butterfly…mwahaha!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

Name the time and place, oh evil one! Hey Emmy…I found something for you…you're my best friend. You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You joke, I joke. You're sad, I'm sad. You're happy, I'm happy. You jump off a bridge…I'll miss you! Blah! Mwahahahahahaha!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Aw, Bellsy, you wont even catch me?!? I'd never let you jump! You're so mean to me! I'm so unloved! No one understands me…one is the loneliest number of one. Two can be as bad as one, but the loneliest number is the number of one.

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

Blah! No fall kills me, for I am BatBella! I have a Batman mask! I have a cape! I am BatBella, superhero with the ability to fly! I SHALL FLY, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…? has logged on

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

I knew I logged on in time when I figured out you two were online. Bella, you cannot fly. It is physically impossible for you to fly. Especially you. Unless you are in a safe, functioning, working airplane. Don't make me come over there.

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

-starts listening to The Hula Hoop song by Alvin and the Chipmunks- All I want's a hula hoop…boom chica wow wow chica wow wow! Yipee caiyay mama cita! BatBella can fly!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

I had nothing to do with this, Edward. She got the cape and Batman mask all on her own. And I didn't sneak her into the Chipmunk movie after you forbade us going…Bella…I'd stop…thin ice, sharkbait!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

Watch me! I hifhwhflhisdhygivhdhgoiyhd…Edward just took my cape. I CAN NO LONGER FLY! I AM NOTHING WITHOUT THE CAPE!!!! THE ALMIGHTY ALL POWERFUL CAPE!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I SHALL PERISH!!!!!!!! FEEL THE WRAITH OF THE FLAME, EDWARD!!!!! NAHAHAHA!!!!!

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Emmett. Did you give Bella a blasted flamethrower?

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Grimace. Aw, hell, why'd you do that Bella? I have the right to remain silent. Anything I chose to say may and most likely will be used against me. And you cannot attack me, for I am in detention and surrendered by puny mortals who will testify on my behalf. But no, I didn't give her a flamethrower…

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Well then, I just got singed BY A HAIRDRYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Emmett, you are so beyond dead that your corpse is merely ashes! Rosalie will know everything you have ever done to her car, and Esme is going to know that you gave Bella a FLAMETHROWER! I had to put out the fire before Charlie smelt the smoke! And. I. Got. Burnt.

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Blink. Falls over laughing hysterically. Rolls over laughing hysterically. Hoists self back up on chair. Blink. Oh no, Edward, you did not get harmed at all, did you? I offer my sincerest – cough cough – sympathies. Grin.

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

He confiscated my flamethrower…poor little Bob…

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Oh, come on, Bella. You named your flamethrower Bob? Why not something flashier, something original. Like…Anakin Flamethrower! Use the flame, young weapon. Mine's called Darth Flamer, which, in my opinion, is oh so very wicked. Darth Flamer is the hottest bad-boy around!

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

She named the flamethrower she should never have gotten Bob?!? Why on earth would you give Bella a flamethrower? Why, of all people, Bella? She is enough of a danger magnet without your assistance, Emmett!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

I'm going to go sulk. I want Bob. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Leave me alone! -Door slams shut as Bella turns off the computer angrily and screams.- Bob! Noooooo, my baby! BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Bob was a brave young flamethrower, being the only flamethrower to singe the Edward Cullen. He shall be dearly missed, most of all by his beloved Bella, who shall never replace him while Edward lives…sort of.

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Bella, it was me or the flamethrower. I wasn't about to let you make that choice…I'm better for you than a flamethrower, and that's saying something!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without owning a flamethrower. However, I no longer have a flamethrower, SO NOW I SHALL LIE FOR FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID SHINY VOLVO OWNING VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me has logged off

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Whoa. Edward, I think you'll be locked out of her room tonight. Gasp. Shock. Horror. You might have to…knock on the door and beg Charlie to see her from now on! Because little sharkbait can hold a grudge.

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

I blame you, Emmett. I'm getting Esme to get online. Right. Now. And you know she will, because – and you know it – I'M HER FAVOURITE!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Oh no you didn't! Mhmm, don't go there, brother! Blink. Where did that come from? Rewind. Scratch that. I was never here…

(Not So Desperate Housewife) has logged on

(Not So Desperate Housewife)

Emmett, why is Edward growling at me to…hold on a moment…you gave Bella – human, sweet, charming little Isabella Swan – a flamethrower?!? Why would you do that, Emmett?!? Of all the ridiculous and ludicrous things you've done…

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Oh crap. I knew this was gonna be bad. Esme, Mum, Mother dearest, Mummy, I love you. But I'm so neglected…you've always favored Edward. Don't you see? It was a cry for attention! I'm so unloved!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Princess Rose) has logged on

(Princess Rose)

Unloved? UNLOVED?!? YOU HAVE ME, WHAT MORE ATTENTION OR LOVE COULD YOU ASK FOR, EMMETT?!?!? YOU'RE JEALOUS OF A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED, TEMPERMENTAL VAMPIRE WITH A HUMAN FOR A GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE HE COULD MEET NO ONE IN THE VAMPIRE WORLD BECAUSE HIS KINDA-MOTHER PAYS MORE ATTENTION TO HIM, EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE ME?!?!?!?!? HOW DARE YOU?!?!?

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Esme pales in comparison now, doesn't she, Emmett? You're facing a lifetime sentence right here, right now. And I'm not helping you at all.

(Not So Desperate Housewife)

I'll leave Rosalie to handle you, Emmett. After all, her punishments are so much more creative than anything I could think of…behave, boys! But Rose…feel free to do what you will. If I don't see, and I don't know, I cannot judge…

(Not So Desperate Housewife) has logged off

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Rose, please, calm down…I didn't mean it…I was only trying to get out of trouble because Edward got kaflamed by Darth Flamer's illegitimate son Bob, and Edward tried to take his revenge by calling in Esme…I TAKE IT BACK! I LOVE YOU, ROSE!

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

You are so dead…again! Oh, this is revenge for you giving my girlfriend the means to half burn my corpse.

(Princess Rose)

Yeah, you take it back now…you wait til you're locked out of our room! No playtime for you, Emmett, our relationship is officially at a standstill. I don't know why I married you!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Because I agreed to fifty-five weddings and counting?

(Princess Rose)

You see? You have no idea how many times we have been married! Do I mean so little to you? Do I? DO I?!?

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Edward, I want Bella to speak at my funeral. She gets to plan it…she knows what theme and everything I'll want. Of course, I want you to bury my ashes…I wont be back, and the count will not return for his victims. May I rest in peace.

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha! has logged off

(Princess Rose)

He will pay for that.

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Don't go easy on him! Give him the screaming treatment; he loves the silent treatment. Ignoring him helps.

(Princess Rose) has logged off

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

You cant be serious…I cant be on alone…AGAIN! This isn't fair. And now I'm typing to myself. Great, Bella and Emmett really are starting to rub off on me. I knew hearing voices would send me over the edge one day. I just thought it'd be on my five hundredth birthday!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me has logged on

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

You're still on?!? I wanted to talk to Emmy…nope, I'm not talking to you. Nada. Zilch. Still incredibly beyond angry at you. I'm sleeping in Charlie's room tonight.

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

But…

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

……………

I feel your pain has logged on

I feel your pain

Edward, I can practically feel how angry Bella is…and I'm nowhere near her right now! Let her get another flamethrower, please, for the sake of the rest of us.

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

It's not the same…it wouldn't be Bob…I MISS BOB!!!!!!!! MY BABY, MY ONLY SON, TO WHOM I WAS LEAVING EVERYTHING I OWNED WHEN I PERISHED!!!!!!

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Jasper, do we still have the number of the pyromaniacs' rehabilitation centre we sent Edward to before he broke out?

I feel your pain

Which one? The one with the barbwire fence that he bit a hole in?

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

No, that was his military school. Uh, it was before military school…after TVoholics centre…before the fish-are-friends-not-food-was-a-finding-Nemo-saying organization…

I feel your pain

Oh, you mean the one from last week?

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Yes, thank you. I need that number for Bella…stat.

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha! has logged on

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

We're the Spice Girls, yes indeed, just girl power is all we need. We know how we got this far, strength and courage in a wonderbra. Could this work with only one? Just with me I'd have no fun. Could this work with only two? We need more for what we do. Could this work with only three? Three's a crowd, bad company. Could this work with only four? No way, girl, we need one more. Listen up and take my advice, we need five for the power of Spice! Finish it, Clumsy Spice!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

Will do, Medieval Spice! Give it up, give it up, take a stand, better shout, 1 2 3 4 5 spice girls! 1 2 3 4 5 spice girls!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Just the two of us…just the two of us! From the moment I heard Edward say he loved Bella, I knew that I'd be safe because I'd never be alone. An evil genius shouldn't speak aloud about their feelings, my pain and my hurt don't make me look appealing. I hoped Eddy would look up to me. Help me take over the family. Have an evil empire, just like his older brother, make me really proud and make me really sad…bring it, sharkbait!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

You and I…OH MY GOD, EMMETT! TURN ON YOUR RADIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel your pain

Edward…

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Oh dear Lord…

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

THE SPICE GIRLS ARE REUNITING FOR A TOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BESTEST NEWS IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD EXCLUDING CZECHOSLOVAKIA BECAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS ONE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

alice in shoppingland has logged on

alice in shoppingland

Oh my God, Bella, did you hear?!? SPICE GIRLS?!?!?!? I HAVE TO GO SHOPPING AND BUY US ALL SPICE GIRLS OUTFITS! I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO WEAR PLATFORM SHOES!!!!!!!!

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Jasper…I think it's time…

I feel your pain

I agree…

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

Intervention!

I feel your pain

On second thoughts…it would give us peace for one night…they wouldn't want us to shop with them. We could go see Alien vs Predator now!

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…?

True…to the movie cinema!

a thousand pennies for your thoughts…? has logged off

I feel your pain has logged off

alice in shoppingland

Meh, who need them anyway?!? We can still have fun at the concert on our own!!!!

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want…

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

So tell me what you want, what you really really want!

alice in shoppingland

I wanna…

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

I wanna…

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

I wanna…

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

I wanna really really really wanna zigosay aw!

alice in shoppingland

Are those the real words?

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me

Who cares?!? To the mall to buy tickets!

alice in shoppingland has logged off

im not clumsy…the floor just hates me has logged off

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha!

If you wanna be my lover…lover…lover…lover…

ivant2suckyourblood…vlahahaha! has logged off

I guess my Spice Girls obsession is rubbing off on Bella. I'm so sorry this took so long. I had some stuff to deal with…and I moved states, and yeah. It's all a bit big at the moment. All my stories will be updated soon though, I haven't given up. Please just be patient?

I don't know how many chapters there will be of this. It's more of a "update when I get ideas" kind of fic. But I'd still love opinions.

Please review…cause I know you would all review if I was Edward!

Just A Little Bit Dramatic