Been a crazy week of old Jack... in the last five nights I slept in five different beds and my days were so frantic I nearly didn't have time to buy this month's issue of "Wired." (Ah, to be James Gunn for a day...) Anyway, finally home and ready to start writing again, sorry if this one sucks, I'm just trying to get back in the game.
"Ground Floor Coming Up"
"Come on, that's just an urban legend," Karen had a playful on her lips as she disagreed with him, but Jim wasn't about to surrender footing on this one.
"Karen, trust a native Pennsylvanian on this one," he asserted, "it is completely true."
"What is?" Dwight asked, making a characteristic invasion of someone else's conversation.
Jim was reluctant to speak, but Karen had no such qualms. "The Amish drug connection."
A look of furied surprise contorted Dwight's features. "What?"
Jim shrugged. "The Amish are part of the marijuana pipeline in Pennsylvania."
This couldn't possibly be true, Dwight was of Amish stock himself and he could not be a part of anything that facilitated drug use. "You're making this up," he insisted.
"No, no, it's true," Creed confirmed. "You see, like traditional Islam, there is no rule against cannabis in the Amish doctrine. They have no problem in trafficking pot to non-believers, or "English" as they call us, because they see it as just another crop."
Karen and Jim looked astonished while Dwight merely turned a bit greener.
"He can't even remember my name," Karen whispered to Jim.
"Karen," Jim whispered back, "he can't even remember his own name half of the time."
For his part, Dwight could only steel himself heroically for the cold harsh light of the truth. Unless a lifetime of movies and Japanese animation had lied to him, perverted older men were always telling the truth about this sort of thing. And that was Creed to the DNA.
The only question on his mind was how he could do what was necessary.
Dwight, staring at his coworkers through the blinds: Look at them... a bunch of weak-willed slackers and malfeasants. They could have been good, hard-working people like my father or President Nixon... instead they chose lives of filth and sloth.
Dwight: One day a real rain will come down and wash them all away.
He attempts a square-jawed Batman expression, but is physically incapable.
Dwight: They'll look up at the skies and beg for someone to save them... And I'll look down and laugh.
Jim walks into frame.
Dwight, flustered: Damn it, Jim, respect the confessional!
Jim looks right into the camera and jims. Then walks off.
Dwight, disgusted: God.
"How can a man turn against his own people?" Dwight asked his reflection in the men's room mirror. It was a bit difficult to take the man on the other side seriously with all Silly String stains dotting his face like blue pimples, but Dwight took that as being a bit of Michael Scott reflecting in himself, and how could he not take pride in that? "How can I wage a war with only one man?"
Suddenly the stall behind swung open and a dramatic "swoosh" echoed through the room. "Because it's one good man," Jim answered seriously as he swaggered over to the sink.
"But, to take on the Amish..." Dwight looked to Jim with eyes so desperate and child-like Jim couldn't help but add fuel to the fire.
"Dwight, this is a matter of principle," Jim replied boldly as he vigorously washed his hands. "The law can't touch the Amish, but you know what they're doing is wrong. They're dealing drugs, and there's no such thing as an acceptable drug, right?"
"Right," Dwight nodded. "Except alcohol and caffeine." He thought for a second. "And that stuff they put in turkeys."
Jim nodded in what he felt was a Jack Webb-ish style. "Absolutely. So what do you, as a man of principle do?"
A grim determination swept over him, completely replacing the doubt of mere seconds ago. "I must launch my own moral crusade deep within the heart of Amish country."
Jim placed a wet hand on Dwight's shoulder. "Godspeed, Dwight. Godspeed."
Dwight: My first job... outside of the beat farm, of course... was as a sweater-folder at Laura Ashley factory store. It was an okay job, but I didn't really like it... I had to handle women's clothing.
He winces in distaste.
Dwight, becoming increasing excited: One day, I caught a woman trying to shoplift a denim jumper and I clamped down on her with full force. I tackled her to the ground...
He mimes performing this action.
Dwight: And I held her down while I summoned the security guards with my free hand.
He nods proudly.
Dwight: Her granddaughter started crying, but... I made sure she knew her grandma had it coming.
"Well, it looks like Dwight's going to be moonlighting," Jim said. He was so happy to be able to spread this news that he could hardly contain himself.
"Is going to hire himself out as a rodeo clown?" Karen asked hopefully as she looked up from her sandwich.
"No," Jim replied, "he's dedicated to become a brooding nocturnal crime-fighter."
Karen froze. "You're kidding."
"I am very serious," Jim insisted. "He is going to be Scranton's last hope against Amish uprisings."
"Did you talk him into this?" Karen asked, more than a little amused.
"I certainly didn't try to talk him out of it," Jim admitted. "I mean, Karen, the world needs heroes."
Karen nodded, Jim had come to her first with this one, so it was her job to keep it going. She knew what the other option would be. "So, is he going to wear a costume or..."
Jim's eyes expanded to reach Mega Man levels. "He is now."
Karen smiled, biting her lower lip slightly. "If we hurry, we can probably find something for him before lunch is over."
If Jim was completely honest with himself, he'd admit there were times when he doubted his relationship with Karen. This was not one of those times. "Let's go."
The two of them were out the door in a flash, not a word said to anyone else.
When Pam realized the camera was filming her, she had to pretend she hadn't been staring at them.
Jim: Yeah, I'm trying a little harder with Karen right now.
He nods, a bit guiltily.
Jim: It's because of Pam, actually.
Jim: I heard her say something to Kelly about the way Roy never really paid attention to her when they were together and...
Jim: I've just been trying a little harder lately.
Pam, just amazingly uncomfortable: Really? He said that?
The sort of that makes it clear that she does not know what to do with herself.
Pam: Well, I...
Pam stood nervously at the front of Toby's cubicle. "Hey, Toby," she said weakly, "can I talk to you about something?"
"Yeah..." Toby tried to keep himself anchored to the ground while images of what Pam could want to talk to him about danced through his head. "Of course..."
"It's just..." Pam continued awkwardly, "it's kind of about a someone I work with, so..." she nudged her shoulder slightly in the direction of the camera.
Toby nodded, he knew it was going to be something like this. It always was. "I have a place we can go for problems like these."
Pam smiled appreciatively. She was really lucky to have a friend like Toby.
"So, you really think he's going to wear this?" Karen giggled as she and Jim made their way back into the office.
"I think this is what he's been waiting for his whole life," Jim replied.
Karen shook her head and took a step back so she could appreciate Jim's handiwork inconspicuously.
Karen: I'm actually not too sure about the pranks, but they're important to Jim and...
She stops herself from saying something potential damaging.
Karen: I mean, I just want to be there for him.
"Dwight," Jim said as he reached into the plastic shopping bag he'd been given at the local Good Will, "I brought you something to aid you in the struggle to come."
Dwight was dubious, so Jim pulled out his purchase. It was a red and black Body Glove wet-suit, of a type and style that might have been selected by not especially good would-be surfers sometime in the early 1990s. It was also three sizes too small to be at all flattering on Dwight.
"A uniform," Dwight gasped in awe.
Jim nodded solemnly and handed Dwight the wet-suit. "There is good and there is evil and..." Jim spoke with as much heavy-handed drama as he could muster while maintaining a straight face "...someone has to stand against the Amish tide."
Dwight accepted the boon gratefully.
Now he could begin his struggle in earnest.
Dwight: There were those who felt that my mother was difficult woman to deal with, but it wasn't that... she just had no tolerance for weakness.
Dwight: When I was four years old, she locked me in a closet in the basement with only a toy plastic shovel and told me that if I couldn't fight my way back into the light without any help from anyone, she would no longer acknowledge me as her son.
Dwight: But one day, she'll change her mind.
Safe in the knowledge that the cameras had not followed her up to the roof, Pam began to open herself up a little. "It's just..."
Meanwhile, the cameras recorded everything. "It gets hard to see them together," Toby offered.
She nodded, thinking how glad she was that Michael wasn't there to say that's what she said. "Yeah."
Toby dug deep into himself and called upon all of his remaining courage. "Maybe what you need to think about right now is finding someone of your own."
Pam's attentions, however, were elsewhere. "Is that Dwight?"
It's was probably better this way. "Where?"
"On the roof of that Denny's," Pam explained, pointing across the street.
The camera zoomed in, it did indeed appear to be Dwight. "What is he wearing?"
----Dwight: First, I drive all the Amish out of Lackawanna County.
He flares a nostril menacingly.
Dwight: Then I take the battle into enemy lines.
Dwight: This is my war.
Dwight takes a half-stepforward, which causes him to slip and go tumbling off the roof.
Next Week's Episode: "Dwight vs. Mose: The Shrutish Civil War"
Jenna Fischer will be back in "Life of a Scranton Strip Queen"
If you asked any young Pam Beesly if she ever imagined she'd be taking her clothes off for money, she would probably get very quiet and (rightly) move very far away from you. But this internship was everything she had ever dreamed of there were only so many ways for her to get that much money as she needed as quickly as she needed.
So, here she was. Very sick, very nervous, very aware that she was going to have to suffer for her art. If only there were some other way to make that money.
When the door swung open and she saw who was waiting for her, she wished she given more thought to bank robbing.
John Krasinski will be back in "Perhaps Vampires Is a Bit Strong But..."
When Jim thought that he had once mocked Dwight's beliefs, he couldn't help but choke on the irony of it all.
Tonight he would feast on the blood of the innocent.
Tomorrow, probably hit a few records store, maybe the outlet mall...
Creed Bratton will be back in "Hash Wednesday"
Creed ran a hand through his thick brown mop of hair as he surveyed the burning heap that had been his brand new red 68 VM Bug.
Every cop and dealer in town was after what was in his groovy yellow bag of tricks, and they were all more than willing to kill him for it.
But he was going to have the last laugh on all of them.