Author's Note: This story would be completely impossible without the inspiration from ECABS story The Birds and the Bees, and without UnicornGoddess95's spin off, "The Birds and the Bees: Emmett Style." Any references to their work is intentional, and with permission.
A giant Thank You Hug is also issued to ECABS and UnicornGoddess95 for their fantastic support and Beta Reading (aka Comma Killing)
Go read their stuff, it really is that good!
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of it's wonderful characters. They belong explicitly to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer. Were I, however, in possession of any of the Cullen Men, I would be far to "otherwise occupied" to spend time writing.
This day would be memorable, there was no getting around it. One way or another, my family would be talking about this event for weeks --maybe even months-- to come. In the interest of not eating any of my classmates, Edward, Emmett, and I had spent all day yesterday hunting. We would have been absent today, but in Forks, this was a graduation requirement. Even with the thirst temporarily satiated, this was going to be Hell. Too many bodies would be crammed into one room. Their blood would be pulsing more wildly--more painfully-- than usual. Then, on top of that elixir, I would be assaulted by the tidal wave of emotions. Humans reacted so predictably to this topic. It would have been amusing, but I was going to have to feel their embarrassment, as well as their excitement.
"Now is the winter of our discontent." Edward quoted quietly and pushed thru the door of the gym. Even this made our boy whip out the Shakespeare. Poor Bella. Their relationship was like an overly censored play: all of the mushy dialogue, but none of the swordfights.
I glanced around quickly and noted the grid of desks uncharacteristically covering the worn, wooden floors. Instinctively, we all headed to the back row of seats, and out of view. Well, almost all of us did.
"I want to sit near the front." Rosalie pouted, grabbing Emmett's arm.
Of course she did. She would never admit it, but she was looking forward to this as much as Emmett was. Maybe more. I noticed for the first time what she was wearing, or more appropriately, what she was not wearing.
As always, Alice's thoughts were in sync with my own. "Nice skirt, Rosalie." Alice chided. "So much for being inconspicuous."
Her jibe caught Emmett's attention. His eyes journeyed up and down Rosalie's body appreciatively. Edward and I groaned simultaneously, so I supposed Emmett's thoughts were as explicitly graphic as his emotions. "Are you planning to be the visual aid?" Emmett quipped. "I'll bet Clapp calls on you for a demonstration."
Coach Clapp's "demonstrations" were something of a legend in Forks. It was impossible that the stories were all true, or the man would be unemployed, and possibly incarcerated. However, as all mythical monsters know, almost every legend is rooted in fact. Clearly, taking part in any of today's demonstrations was something to avoid.
Emmett and Rosalie took two center seats on the front row. He turned around backwards in his chair to give us two thumbs up and an impish grin as we passed.
Alice's soft laugh rang as she took my hand into hers and looked at me playfully. "Emmett was wrong." She purred. "Rosalie isn't going to be part of the demonstration today, he is!"
"Maybe I was wrong, too, then." I worked hard to make my voice sound light for Alice's sake. "If watching Emmett make a fool of himself is on the agenda, then maybe this isn't Hell after all"
"Not quite, I don't think." She teased. "But it is going to be…interesting." Her eyes darted meaningfully towards Edward and Bella.
Bella's cheeks were already stained a tempting crimson, and both she and Edward were emitting waves of fear and embarrassment—no, mortification—even though we had not yet taken our seats. I smiled in spite of myself. Edward's awkwardness was comical. He was more than qualified to give today's lecture. With two medical degrees, he undoubtedly had more knowledge on the subject than any of the teachers here at Forks High. Well, at least intellectual knowledge, he was sorely lacking any hands on experience.
We seated ourselves then: I in the far back corner, Alice beside me, with Edward and Bella sitting awkwardly next to her. I was grateful, at least, that there were four empty rows of seats in front of me, and none of the other humans came to sit anywhere near our little group. Grateful, too, that Bella's blood, even as close as she was, would not be much of a temptation today. When humans are afraid, the fear and adrenaline makes their blood smell much sweeter, and taste exponentially better. Even with my other sense, my special sense, fear heightens the experience for me. However, Bella was not truly afraid; she was nauseated, and she was radiating that feeling right at me. It was extremely unsettling to feel sick to a stomach that had not worked in a century and a half. I was glad for it, though. If I could focus on the queasy sensation, it might help me block the other humans; might help me block my need. Thanks to yesterday's hunting trip, I was not particularly thirsty. And, I assumed Alice would have warned me if I was going to attack anyone. That was comforting, at least.
Every single student enrolled in Forks High School age sixteen and up--the age of consent in Washington--was forced into this torture chamber today. Angela Webber, seated next to little Ben Cheney, was pulsing with almost as much nausea as Bella. Angela and Ben were radiating something else, too. Oddly enough I could not identify it exactly from their emotions. I made a mental note to ask Edward about it later.
Hysteria washed over the gym as Coach Clapp pushed a giant wheelbarrow thru the open door. His eyes scanned the room gleefully; he was enjoying this far too much. With a cocky stride and an inflated ego, he approached the microphone.
"Good morning students. Welcome to Sex Education."
The atmosphere was so thick with unease and anticipation that I was sure even the humans felt it. Coach Clapp idled away the first few minutes discussing trivialities such as "state mandates" and "district ethics." His speech was humorous. He was proud of the innocence of Forks. Here, he believed, you could wait until the students were sixteen, and of legal age, to address the sexual topic; but in some bigger cities it was needed earlier. I wasn't even half-listening, but his remarks made me smile. Coach Clapp was blind. In a small town like Forks, where there was little else to do, the students probably needed Sex Ed sooner than the kids from the city did. I had read enough emotions, and Edward had read enough minds to know that innocence was a rare commodity here. Well, with the two exceptions of Edward and Bella
Four minutes into his speech, Coach Clapp began living up to the hype. He went over not only the scientific terms, but also the crude slang, for every sexual organ and sexual act in existence. He named off a few slang terms that even I had never heard of, which made me think he was making those up. What the hell was a scub, anyway? He was clearly trying to impress us now, but I sensed that at least half of everything he was describing, he had gotten no closer to than a textbook--or perhaps a magazine. Moreover, I had seen him and his wife together. She seemed far more interested in the lunch-lady than in her own husband. I was certain that were she here, Mrs. Clapp would appreciate Rosalie's skirt as much as Emmett did.
If I were in any other company, I would find this little man, standing in front of a group of squirming teenagers, defining cunnilingus, hysterical. However, to his obvious pleasure--and my regret-- his creepiness was making the students uncomfortable, and they in turn were making me feel downright ill. It was more painful than any blood lust I had endured. I would much rather be suppressing the urge to kill Edward's Bella than this urge to—what was it exactly?—vomit on her. At least the first felt more natural.
I had been right; this was Hell.
But did it have to be? In my frustration, I had overlooked something crucial. I could not help but be overwhelmed by the emotions of these hormonal teenagers, but I could change what they were feeling. This did not have to be torturous; it could be devilishly fun.
I decided that since, at the heart of it, most of the blame belonged to Coach Clapp, that he should be the first to bear my wrath. He was discussing the symptoms of syphilis, now: an altogether disgusting topic. Were he to become visibly aroused while describing genital ulcers, it would be a bit embarrassing for him. I was not sure if I could affect him from all the way across the gym floor, but I decided it was worth a shot. Anything to keep from picturing the genital ulcers he was rambling on about.
I looked over at Alice, and tried to picture her as she had looked the previous night. It was not a difficult image to conjure. She was so beautiful, so sensual. Her eyes flickered over to meet mine when she noticed my gaze, and I did not have to search for the right feeling. The passion came on its own. I smiled at her then, and closed my eyes, reveling in the sensation running thru my body. This was going to be far too easy with Alice sitting beside me. Almost no challenge at all.
I turned my attention back to Coach Clapp, opening my eyes slowly to look at him, and emanating the full force of my talent in his direction. Perhaps I overdid it.
"They are called pearly penile papules, but they are not danger…" Coach Clapp was mid-sentence when it struck him. He plopped down quickly into the chair behind the table holding the microphone. Too quickly. The mic fell forward off the table and onto the wooden floor. He was going to have to stand up and walk around in front of the table to retrieve it. Everyone would see! I prepared myself for the onslaught of glee and disgust when the students realized what was going on, but it never came. Instead, I just felt the same passion that I had directed at Coach Clapp. I looked around, wondering if everyone could be so dense as to not see what was happening. Surely my brothers would enjoy this as much as I did! It was then that I noticed Edward glaring at me, furious.
Yes, perhaps I had overdone it. Coach Clapp bore the brunt of my blow, but every single individual in the room was affected. The males were shifting around uncomfortably in their seats. The most conspicuous of them all was Emmett, giant Emmett, in the very front row. Rosalie looked a bit riled up sitting next to him as well, and for a moment, I worried that the two of them would be giving the class a demonstration after all. Emmett's self-control was never very strong around Rosalie, even without this extra dose of lust.
Eric Yorkie stood and held up a book to cover his now obvious problem. I read the title from across the room,Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual (An Illustrated Compendium of Monsters: Aerial Servant to Zombie) I knew what he was taking it to the bathroom to do, and I would've bet the whole of Alice's stock market earnings that that book was going to play a pivotal role in his intended activity. I idly wondered which monsters got him going.
I glanced back in Edward's direction, readying my thoughts to apologize, but he was no longer glaring at me. He was staring at Bella, who was staring at the new development in his lap. As soon as she realized what she was doing, and realized that Edward realized it, too, she jerked backwards away from his desk. Not surprisingly, Bella's uninjured leg caught against her cast and she flailed face first out of her seat. Edward was too shocked by her staring to react in time. Her forehead whacked hard against the gym floor. I knew immediately that it would leave a bruise. All eyes turned to look at Bella as Edward helped her up and back into her seat. Her little performance had broken the spell, and everyone seemed a bit more comfortable now, with the exception of Bella, of course. Bella's face had never redder.
Abruptly, Edward was snarling. At first, I assumed he was angry that Bella had been hurt because of my antics, but when I looked up at him, he still wasn't looking at me. He was glowering at Mike Newton, who was staring transfixed at Bella. I realized immediately that my little lust whammy had not yet vacated the premises, and that Mike's own lust was, no doubt, directed at Edward's girl.
Edward's low snarls were much too quiet for any of the humans to hear, but loud enough that Emmett and Rosalie turned around to stare at him. They eyed Edward, and then synchronically shifted their gazes to Mike. Rosalie donned a bored expression and redirected her attention to Coach Clap, who had reclaimed his composure--as well as the microphone--and was now listing the benefits of condom use. I needed to calm Edward down, and soon. I tried to focus my emotions into a calm, tranquil state, but there was just too much hostility coming off of Edward. I was absorbing his fury like a sponge.
"Damn it, Jasper!" I heard Alice swear beside me.
I realized, too late, what had happened. Rather than sending soothing waves at Edward, I had been radiating Edward's fury to the back half of the gym. Edward jumped out of his chair, balled his hands into fists, and glowered at Newton. He was losing control; even the humans could probably hear his faint snarling now. Mike rose and snapped around to face Edward. The same hatred, anger, and aggression flashed in both of their eyes. I could not believe it. They were going to fight!
"Do something!" I heard Bella whimper. What could I do? I had done rather enough already. My own emotions were far too jumbled to risk "helping" any more than I already had.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett leap to his feet. Had my little aggression wave reached that far? I didn't think so. I hoped that he was coming to restrain Edward, and not to help him attack the Newton kid
"Cullen? Newton?" Coach Clapp's questioning voice boomed.
Edward and Mike turned to stare dumbly at the teacher, both of their postures relaxing. The hostility in the room was swiftly waning. I calmed myself quickly, and did what I could to put everyone at ease. It seemed to work.
"I'm sorry boys." Clapp went on, gesturing at Emmett, Edward, and Mike, all three of whom were still standing. "I only brought two bananas. You will have to decide who gets to do it. I don't normally get so many volunteers!"
At the mention of the word "volunteers" Edward sat down quickly. Emmett and Mike still stood gawking confusedly at Coach Clapp.
"Don't just stand there boys!" Coach Clapp belted. "Let the games begin!"
Alice raised her chin and winked at me smugly. "I told you so." She laughed.
"Bananas?" I asked her in disbelief.
Her only reply was another little wink before she turned around to watch Emmett and Mike stand stupidly at the front of the gym.
Coach Clapp pushed the wheelbarrow up to the podium. He grabbed the corner of the sheet that was serving to hide its contents, lifted it into the air with a flourish, and let it drop dramatically to the floor. An astonished hush fell over the gymnasium. The wheelbarrow was filled to the brim with little foil packages in various sizes and colors. At the peak of the condom mountain laid two mammoth bananas. He turned to face the shocked students.
"The object of this exercise, apart from entertaining your classmates, is to properly apply and remove 25 condoms to your banana as quickly as you can."
I laughed loudly along with everyone else.
"I can't really see the point in this." I said, turning to look at Edward. "If you need to get them on and off so quickly, do you really think you're going to be able to keep a girl, anyway? I mean, if you are that fast…?" I trailed off.
Eric Yorkie was strolling back into the gym--his Dungeons and Dragons book still clutched in his hand—with a satisfied expression on his pockmarked face. He had been gone for less than three minutes, so I supposed he would benefit from this demonstration of rapid-fire condom changing.
Edward smiled at me then; a devilish smile that I had seen often just before he pulled some kind of a prank on Emmett or me.
"Jasper?" He questioned. "Would you mind doing me a favor?"
"What do you want me to do to Emmett? I laughed.
"To Emmett? Oh, I don't want you to do anything at all...to Emmett."
He smiled again, and then gestured to where Mike Newton was standing, holding a banana with a horrified expression on his face.
"However, Mike seems a little too comfortable up there. I do not like the things he was thinking about my Bella. No, I do not like them one bit. I would like to watch him squirm for awhile."
"Edward!" Bella hissed. "Don't you think its bad enough that he's up there with a banana, and, and with….those?" She gestured unnecessarily to the condoms that Coach Clapp was laying out like rows of fallen dominoes in front of Emmett and Mike.
"Hardly." Edward purred. "He isn't suffering nearly enough for the things he was thinking—for the things he is still thinking." His eyes shot up to look at Mike, and they were getting angrier by the second.
I looked up then, too. Sure enough, even with his banana in one hand and a condom in the other, Mike Newton's eyes were trained undeniably on Bella. Edward did have a point; Bella was, after all, his girl. I felt a bit protective of her, too--having recently protected her from being eaten by a crazed tracker—so I decided that maybe Mike Newton was in need of some good old-fashioned embarrassment. What could it hurt?
"What would you prefer?" I asked Edward slyly. "Should he be really good at this, or really bad?"
"Surprise me." He answered coolly.
As if anyone could surprise Edward. He would know my plan the instant I did, as would Alice. I realized suddenly that the only person to be surprised was also the one who would be the least amused: Bella.
Coach Clapp had positioned two chairs in front of the podium with the microphone, and was offering them to Emmett and Mike.
"Sit down, and secure your banana between your knees." Coach Clapp ordered. The contrast between the two "performers" was hilarious. Emmett was smiling from ear to ear, looking as if he had just won the lottery. Mike, on the other hand, looked like he had just been diagnosed with some terminal disease. Both boys lowered themselves into the seats and pressed their bananas between their knees.
"Mike is paler than you guys." Bella chuckled.
Coach Clapp was almost giddy. "On my whistle, boys. The first to properly apply protection to their fruit with 25 condoms will be the champion. If one of your condoms breaks during application or removal, then that one doesn't count. Safety first!"
Twenty-five condoms would not take very long. I answered my earlier question of Edward: Mike would be very bad. It would prolong their misery, and give the rest of us that much more pleasure. A shrill whistle pierced the air, signaling the start of this absurd competition. I relaxed back into my chair, and focused a feeling of lethargy to the front of the gym.
Humans always move slowly. Even by those weak standards, this was ridiculous—like an old LP record playing at the wrong speed. The whistle had blown, and the race was underway, but The Hare was missing. It was the Tortoise and the Tortoise. Emmett shot me what would have been an angry look, were he not so enveloped by the "slow vibe" I had hurled at him. He did not even have the energy to infuse his eyes with the proper annoyance. I knew this was killing him. He was naturally competitive, and he seemed to think his intimate exploits with Rosalie were his finest athletic achievements.
It took a full 45 seconds for either competitor to open the wrapper of condom number one. Mike got his open first, but dropped it immediately onto the floor.
"Unsanitary!" Coach Clapp boomed. "Nix that one, start again!"
Emmett had finally defeated the first foil wrapper and had managed to successfully remove his condom without dropping it.
"Pinch the tip!" reminded Coach Clapp. A ripple of laughter echoed in the gym.
Pinching the tip as instructed, Emmett began to unroll the prophylactic over his giant produce.
I realized this was going to take far too long. Over a minute and a half had passed already, and Emmett was just now removing the first piece of latex. He was struggling hard to remove it, but he did not have enough strength in his exhausted state to do it properly. I laughed to myself, and sent another wave of emotion to the front of the room: a wave of hyperactivity. Emmett was caught off guard by his sudden surge of energy, and the condom he had been struggling to remove shot off his banana and into the gym, smacking Tyler Crowley in the forehead.
I howled with laughter. My enthusiasm was catching, naturally, and everyone around me began to cackle as well. The excess nerves, coupled with the newfound speed, were making Mike Newton even less coordinated than Bella. He had opened and dropped seven condoms in quick succession. It was a good thing there was a wheelbarrow full. Mike just might go thru all of them without getting one chalk line on his tally, not that he had any more real experiences to tally than Edward did
Emmett's count was up to five now, but this was still taking too long. Amusing though it was, I had no desire to sit in this chair for another hour watching Mike Newton throw condoms on the ground. Inspiration stuck. If could pull it off, Edward would owe me big time, and Mike Newton would probably transfer school districts. If I did it wrong, Emmett might have Newton for lunch, literally. I decided either outcome would be entertaining. I focused on an unusual feeling in my gut. It was one that I could draw from humans, but one that I had not experienced for myself in ages. Hunger. I sent wave after wave of starvation at Mike Newton. He abruptly stopped fighting with the foil wrapper in his right hand, and cast it on top of the pile of failed attempts at his feet. There was a sick expression on his face. He wanted to fight this, he was going to try. I pulsed the hunger at him one more time, stronger than before. His entire body was shaking now. He could not resist the urge any longer. I had pulled this one off. He was famished. He removed the banana from his knees and unwrapped it quickly.
I felt nothing but the shocked horror of the crowd as Mike Newton bit into his banana with a moan of release and revulsion.
"Wow." Alice said. "Even I didn't see that one coming."