Author: A. Haverstock
Characters: Allen's Innocence/Allen
Rating: Hard R
Word Count: 2393
Allen's Innocence/Allen (D.Gray-Man) for
SurelyYouJest (2393 words)
Self-Prompt: Allen/Allen smut plzkthnxbai
Note: This takes place between pages 11 and 12 of chapter 80. Obviously it will lead to a bit of AU-ness, but otherwise that's the time it takes place.
There's no pain, no feeling, not even a lingering memory of what it feels like to have his Innocence attached to him in such a horrid form.
He thinks back to the stories he has heard from numerous people in the past, about when they lost a part of themselves: an eye, an arm, a leg. They all recalled the same phantom pain racing through parts of their bodies that no longer existed, and he thinks that this might be a good thing for him.
He thinks that, maybe, their bodies felt the phantom pain because they were mourning for something they've irrevocably lost. His body isn't mourning and so he has no fear of never being able to invoke his Innocence again.
Allen isn't scared that he won't get his Innocence returned to him. He's scared that he might not want to it return.
He's cold suddenly and shivers. He wraps his arms -- arm -- around himself and brings his knees up closer to his chest. There is nobody nearby, and even though he needs to be alone at the moment he wishes there was somebody with him to remind him that life is still going on even if, to him, it feels like it's not.
"It's like all I'm seeing is darkness," he says.
His voice is so soft that the air around him isn't disturbed and he suddenly feels like standing up and yelling until his voice is echoing back at him from all around. He wonders if he feels so lonely just because his Innocence is lost to him.
But I'm right here
"What?" says Allen, startled. He blinks and looks around. He sees no one and so slides off the railing he had been sitting on to peer around the pillar and down the corridor. "Who's there?" And why do you sound like me
I am you.
He is treading softly down the stone hallway and is surprised when he finds himself standing in front of the two engraved doors leading to his fractured Innocence. He's even more surprised when the doors creak open enough for him to slip through and he sees himself standing there, waiting.
"Hello," the Not-Him says. Allen takes a step back only to find his back pressed against the now-shut doors behind him. "Don't bother running. It's impossible to run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try."
Allen presses his back more firmly against the doors and the Not-Him is suddenly smirking, "I don't think that's the way to open a door."
"…Who are you?" Allen asks. Now that he has adjusted to the situation he feels as though he already knows the answer to his question. He's nervous, but knows instinctively that he's not in any danger.
A grin. "I've already told you. I'm you."
"Yes," Allen says, annoyed. "I can see that. It's quite obvious. But I'm asking who you are, and you aren't me because I'm me."
Not-Him's grin widens, "You're missing a part of you though, aren't you?"
Allen blinks in understanding, "Well then," he says, "What do I call you?"
"We're going to be called the 'Crowned Clown'," Not-Him answers. "But I don't have a name. You can call me whatever you choose to."
"Fine," replies Allen. He still hasn't moved away from the doors because seeing his Innocence standing in front of him -- a mirror image of himself if he hadn't been cursed -- is dizzying. "I'll call you 'Crown' since I'm most likely the 'Clown'."
"A crown is nothing without a head to rest upon."
Crown smiles at him and Allen finds himself walking over to place a hand on his Innocence's unmarred cheek. It's soft to the touch and he stares at his hand where it rests on Crown's face.
"You're real," he breathes, awed, and lets the tips of his fingers slide down pale skin. "I mean, you're solid." He looks up again to find a set fiery-green eyes sparkling at him in amusement.
"Your eyes are green," Allen says. He's trying not to blush under the intense scrutiny he's receiving. "And they're staring at me."
"This is the first time I've ever seen you through my own eyes," Crown answers. "Your body is just as beautiful as your soul."
The sincerity of his words causes the hair on Allen's skin to stand on end as a shiver works its way down his spine. His eyes water once he realizes that he is staring at the missing piece of his soul and he feels a sob work its way up his throat. He finds himself struggling to breathe through this onslaught of emotions and launches himself at his other half.
Allen buries his face in the crook of Crown's neck and lets his tears fall freely. He didn't realize how empty he was without his Innocence until it was gone. "I missed you," he murmurs.
Crown is holding him gently and rubbing circles on his back. "I know," he croons into Allen's ear and lifts the pale-haired boy's face upwards to kiss away his tears. Allen blinks at him, snow-white lashes clumped together and shining, tear-tracks down his cheeks and nose running slightly.
"You're beautiful," Crown tells him and then wipes the snot from Allen's face with the sleeve of his shirt. Allen blushes at the attention and stares at him with wide, silver eyes.
"You… you're what I would have looked like?" he asks. "I mean, if I hadn't been… cursed?"
"Yes," Crown answers simply. "Do you… have a problem with it?"
Allen shakes his head vehemently. "No! Of course I don't!" he exclaims. "I mean, if you need an appearance, of course you can use mine! You're a part of me, right? And it's nice to know that what I would have looked like hasn't been wasted… and if somebody is going to use what I would have looked like as an appearance, well, I can't think of anyone better than myself to use it!"
Crown smiles at him, "This is nice," he says. "Sitting here like this, with you. You've no idea how long I've wanted to do this -- to see you, to hear you, to smell you, to touch you…"
He runs a hand down Allen's scarred cheek and lets it trail down his neck until it rests on his collarbone. The skin is soft and warm. He can feel the life pulsating through it and he wants more. "I think…" Crown says thoughtfully. "I think that I could watch you for an eternity and still want more."
There is something about the way he says this that pulls at Allen's heart and makes it ache in a way he knows it shouldn't. "You say that like you don't have any time left," he says, worriedly. "I thought you said that we would be together again?"
"We will be," answers Crown with a soft smile Allen can't help but return hesitantly. "But we will never again be like we are now."
"Of course not," Allen chides, leaning forward to look at him intently. "We'll be different. Closer. Better."
His lips are so close that Crown can't help it when he leans forward and captures them with his own. Allen makes a muffled sound of surprise that fades into a happy hum as he realizes what's happening. They pull away after a moment and look at each other.
"Well," says Allen. "That was…"
Allen blinks, "Well, I was going to say 'rather enjoyable', but 'unexpected' works as well."
Allen pulls Crown towards him by the collar of his shirt and crushes their lips together again. They've worked out the mechanics of kissing quickly and soon their tongues are clashing and raging a small battle inside their mouths. He plays with the soft brown locks of Crown's hair while his other-self touches every piece of his exposed skin.
He feels hot and feverish and knows that an eternity with his Innocence would never be enough for him either. Crown pushes him down onto the floor and pins him there. He breaks away from their kissing to speak.
"I want to be a part of you again, my beloved clown," he says. Shivers run down Allen's spine at the tone he uses. Crown grins down at him and kisses him slow and sensuously and Allen feels the passion of it all the way down to his toes.
Allen wraps his remaining arm around Crown's neck and pulls him closer. He likes the warmth his Innocence's body gives off. It's a pleasant contrast to the cold stone of the floor he's pinned to and he suddenly wants to feel the heat of Crown's bare skin against his own.
Allen tries to undo the buttons of the other's shirt but can't manage it with only one hand. The brunet immediately unbuttons his shirt himself and then relieves Allen of the tight half-shirt that Bak had given him to wear.
Crown chuckles, "They certainly gave you a queer outfit, didn't they?"
"Well, I didn't want to hurt Bak's feelings by refusing to wear it," answers Allen. "He makes clothes like Komui makes robots."
"I'll just have to relieve you of them then."
Allen doesn't refute that and so Crown starts trailing kisses down his chest, slowly, until he reaches the waistband of his pants. Allen's skin is salty from sweat but also had a unique sweetness to it and as he unfastens Allen's pants he pauses for a moment to stare up at his Accommodator's flushed face before turning his attention to other areas of the body laid out before him.
Allen gasps as he feels Crown's mouth around him, hot and wet. He finds himself squirming under the other's ministrations and trying to keep his hips from arching upwards in his pleasure. Crown grins and slides his teeth up and down Allen's length gently, chuckling at the hummed-out moan this elicits from his pale-haired self.
When Allen spills into his mouth with a low-keening mewl he's already prepared. He envelopes the erection in its entirety and swallows hungrily, savouring the taste of his other-self like a starving man does food.
Crown feels his own erection aching for release and knows that Allen does too. They are connected in heart and mind and soon, he knows, they will be connected in body as well. Allen nods his acquiescence and he swiftly presses their lips together in a passionate kiss as he moves to stretch his Accommodator's entrance with an experimental finger.
Allen cringes a bit at the intrusion but otherwise doesn't mind. It doesn't hurt so much as feel awkward and foreign to him. Crown deepens the kiss and distracts him as he inserts another digit and then another before something that most definitely isn't a finger begins to probe at his entrance. He stiffens for a moment and Crown caresses his face gently with the pads of his fingers to help him relax.
"This might hurt a bit, my beloved clown," Crown whispers to him.
Allen swallows nervously before nodding, "I'm not frightened by a bit of pain."
"I know," Crown replies, pressing his length into him. Allen winces a bit and Crown kisses him before continuing. "I've always known how strong you are. It's one of the many things I love about you."
Allen returns the kiss and relaxes some more as he finds himself adjusting to the welcomed intrusion. It's not painful anymore, just uncomfortable, and he shifts experimentally. His lip is bitten in reply as Crown tries to stifle a moan. Allen grins, slides himself up and down on his other-self's length again, and relishes in both the pleasure this brings him and the sounds it evokes from Crown's mouth.
Crown realizes that Allen is daring him to do something and so he thrusts himself deeper into his Accommodator and sets a rhythm for them both. They kiss each other deeply, swallowing each other's moans, until they're gasping for air and their vision is spotted white with pleasure.
They come at the same time and Crown ends up sprawled bonelessly across his pale-haired self's sweaty torso. Allen giggles weakly at him and they lay there together for a while afterwards, trying to keep as much skin contact between them as possible. Allen gives him a short, but sincere, kiss and an exhausted smile. Crown returns both and pulls him to him in a tight embrace, breathing warm air across the delicate skin of his other-self's neck. Allen tucks his head into the crook of Crown's neck and kisses it sweetly in reply.
"How much longer do we have?" Allen asks softly. He doesn't want to be left alone again. Crown tightens his embrace before responding.
"Not long," he says. "It takes too much energy to stay corporeal for long. When I'm connected to you, as your arm, I receive my energy from you."
Allen blinks tiredly at him. "That means that once we're together… you can have your own body again, occasionally? If we can figure out a way to separate you from my physical self temporarily?"
"That… might actually work," Crown replies slowly, and Allen can feel the hope bubbling up inside them both. "But we'd have to figure out a way to do it without hurting you."
Allen grins at him, weakly but with conviction. "I can take a bit of pain."
"I've never doubted you," Crown says and smiles as Allen stifles a yawn against his chest. "Now you should get some rest. You're going to need it for what awaits you."
"Mm-hmm," his pale-haired self hums in reply and snuggles in closer to him for warmth. Soon Allen's breathing evens out in slumber against his chest and Crown smiles.
They stay like that a while longer, curled up in each other's embrace, until Crown places a kiss on the cursed-red pentacle on Allen's forehead and dissolves back into the air around him. When Allen wakes up hours later he finds himself alone with the only reminder of his Innocence's presence being the sticky substance spread across his stomach and legs, the slight ache in his lower back, and the lingering warmth of a kiss.
He tidies himself up and leaves the room without looking back. He is marching towards his future, and nothing is going to stop him. Especially not the past.
Allen feels Crown's presence in his heart and knows that they'll be together again very soon.