A/N: this is probably the most random story I have ever written hope you enjoy it. Bella is a vampire and the Cullen's are all living together peacefully.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room flicking through the channels with Alice when Emmett walked in. "Oh my god, guess where I just was?" he said.
Knowing Emmett he was probably at some sports store but instead of just ignoring him I flicked off the TV and turned towards him. What harm could it do to listen to him?
Alice gave me an astonished look and turned to listen too. There wasn't much else to do on a sunny day like this and with Edward and Jasper off hunting. "Okay lets hear it." I said.
Emmett plopped down on the seat next to me and pulled a bag out from his jacket pocket. "Alright. So its just a normal day right, and I'm walking down the hall towards the parking lot outside of school when all of a sudden the nurse is right up in my face asking me all these questions." He was using his hands by now which is a sure sign that he is really into the story he is telling us.
"So I'm just starring at her as she is explaining something to me when she realizes I have no clue what she is talking about."
"Next thing I know she's saying, "You'll have to come with me dear for your regular school physical." Do you know I haven't had a physical in over seventeen years? So imagine my surprise when we make it her office and she tells me to strip down to my boxers."
By this time both me and Alice are shaking with suppressed giggles as Emmett continued with his story. "Wait a minute," I said between laughing fits, "Isn't this nurse like over seventy or something?"
"Yah she is." Said Emmett. Alice whooped with laughter, which attracted Esme's attention from the kitchen. "What is going on in here?" she asked, "Alice don't cackle like that it is most unbecoming."
"Sorry Esme…it's just …Emmett…well just listen." She said between laughs. Esme folded her hands sat down on the chairs arm and crossed her legs looking at Emmett for some explanation.
After all the attention was back on Emmett he began again. "So as I was saying, here I am in my boxers…"
"Oh which ones give us details?" exclaimed Alice.
"They were my bunny ones that Rosalie got me for Easter." He said.
"You mean the ones that have the Easter Rabbit handing out condoms in little eggs?" I exclaimed.
"Yah those ones. Can I finish telling my story please?" he bellowed. He never liked being interrupted in the telling of a story.
"Please go on this is quite entertaining," said Esme.
"Okay. So as I was saying, I'm in the middle of the room with just my boxers on when she comes in with all this medical equipment. She clears off her desk and pats it telling me to get up on it. Seeing no harm in it I jumped up and waited for her to get done so I could get out of there." His hands were flying all over the place by this time.
"So she starts the examination by taking my pulse. Then she goes to my reflexes," he ran his large hand through his thick hair. "I never knew you could hit someone with that stick in so many places."
Alice's eyes saw mine and we both raised our eyebrows. "Um Emmett…" I said, "They only hit that thing on your knees. Where did she hit it?" I asked truly curious.
The look on his face when I explained this was priceless. "Well…" he began. He lowered his eyes and shuffled his feet anxiously.
"Come on Emmett just tell us. It can't be that bad." Exclaimed Alice. I exchanged a brief glance with Esme and we both shook with suppressed giggles.
"Well she sort of…um…well…yah. You understand don't you?"
Unfortunately I did understand along with everyone else. "No way." Screamed Alice from the floor as she rolled around clutching her sides and howling with laughter. Esme had fallen back off the arm rest and right into my lap as she shook with humorous delight.
"How was I supposed to know you weren't supposed to stick it there?" He exclaimed.
"Well she certainly knows not to stick it there." Said a voice from the doorway. We all turned in time to see Rosalie stalk to the center of the room and sit down with a huff on the leather chair by the window.
The sunlight glinted off her hair as she turned and winked at us. Then turning back to Emmett she said in her whiniest voice, "Tell me dear what did happen? Were there any reflexes?"
If Emmett could have gone red he would be steaming at the ears by now. With his teeth clenched he turned to his wife and through clenched teeth said, "now that you mention it, yes there was a little action down below."
Rosalie lost all control and snorted with laughter. Esme and I were clutching each other for support. "Please continue darling." Simpered Rosalie.
"Anyways before I was so rudely interrupted," he glanced accusingly at Rose, "so I was sitting there as she poked around with that stick when all of a sudden she pulls out this really super long needle and fits it into a syringe."
"Then if you believe this she comes at me brandishing this thing like a Samurai sword and tells me to drop my drawers so she can administer "The Shot" he quoted with his fingers. So I'm sitting there with this look of horror over my face and she's a coming closer when I jump up and reach for my clothes all quick and turn to leave."
"No dear you have to have this shot its standard procedure." She says. "I say no way in hell is she poking me with that toothpick and that I'll have my father give me one." He said, "She looks all sad but says that it would be okay for Carlisle to give me one but tells me that I have to come back in and finish the rest of the physical."
"She was probably disappointed because she didn't get to poke him in the ass." Muttered Rosalie to Alice, Esme, and me. We all howled in laughter as Emmett glared down at us.
"Yah so I go back into her office and she gets on with the rest of the examination. Before she gets done however she starts asking me all these questions about…you know…my um…personal life." He said shuffling his feet again.
"You mean she asked you about your sex life?" quoted Rosalie.
"God. Did you tell her you're not a virgin and that you pretty much grind hard every night?" Said Alice. Esme gave her a scandalized look as I shook with laughter.
"Well there was no point in lying to her. So yah I pretty much told her I've had sex before. But then that's when it got weird, like she started asking me how I felt when I reached climax and if I've ever ejacula…" before he could finish Esme had shouted STOP!!! And ran out of the room.
I was pretty sure that my expression resembled Alice's…complete and utter horror at what we were hearing. Rosalie however had an interested look upon her face and politely asked whether he had told her the truth.
"Well of course I didn't tell her the truth. You can't expect an eighteen year old boy to know how to ejaculate and reach climax and still remember it. Mostly only older men can stand the sensation. With you however Rose…I've been with you for years and you still amaze me."
"Gross. Can we please get back to the story?" I said.
"What hasn't Edward and you experienced this yet?" asked Emmett innocently.
"Edward's and my sex lives are not about to be discussed in public right in front of the family. Unlike you to I actually sympathize with the people who have to listen to you two talk about how you are in bed."
"Who needs to hear them talk about it all you have to do is stand in the room below theirs and hear the bed creak the entire time." Said Alice. I gave her a scandalized look just as Rosalie shot her one that said 'You are dead'.
"Emmett please continue with your story." Said Rosalie still glaring at Alice.
"Alright. So after all this questioning was completed she comes over to as I'm getting dressed. And she slips this in my jacket pocket. With a burly laugh he pulls out a bag that contained two small condoms, three mediums, five larges, and three double XLs. On the XL's a little note was written
Just in case you need these. After giving you your physical today may I suggest the extra larges. If you need more come see me.
The room shook as all four of us howled with laughter. We were still guffawing when the front door opened and in walked Edward, Jasper and Carlisle. "What on earth is going on in here?" he asked looking around.
Without explaining he threw two of the XLs at Edward and Jasper. With a broad grin on his face he said, "Here, something tells me you'll need them tonight."
The two vampires caught the things and stared down at them then looked up at Alice and me with quizzical stares. I went over and grabbed Edward's arm tugging him upstairs. "Don't worry I'll explain everything later." I cooed.
As I made my way up the steps with Alice, Jasper, and Edward right behind me I heard Emmett start singing in he family room where we had left him and Rosalie. The song floated up the stairwell and the catchy tune of Trojan Man whispered its way into my ear.
Before we knew Alice and I collapsed on the steps laughing our heads off as the two boys looked down at us like we had some sort of disease.
"Don't worry," I yelled down the hall to where my voice could be heard by Emmett, "We'll always use protection." And with that I made my way slowly with Edward in tow to the large spacious bedroom that would satisfy my needs for the rest of eternity.
Okay so I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you guys enjoy it. Remember review