Alrighty, a big ol' hodgepodge of mockery in this one; mainly Super-Naruto's and Female Kyubi's, but traces of other things if you search hard enough. Enjoy.
What's The Worst That Could Happen?
By Legendary Legacy
A Multi-Themed Naruto Mock-fic
Standard Disclaimer: Naruto, its characters and settings are not mine in any way. They belong to Kishimoto-sama and anyone he may have sold the rights to.
Mock-fic Disclaimer: If you don't like the idea of me making fun of a (in my opinion) stupid or overused Naruto theme/plotline that you enjoy for whatever reason, then I suggest saving yourself some time and hitting the 'Back' button right now.
To everyone else, please enjoy.
It was a few months after Jiraiya had taken Naruto from the village for three years of training. So far, things had been going fairly slow, as the two did little more than travel from one place to the next, with Jiraiya giving a few lessons to his student as they went. Naruto was growing a bit irritated that he wasn't growing much stronger, but Jiraiya constantly told him that he'd be plenty strong by the end of the three years.
One night, as Naruto lay around the campsite alone (Jiraiya had gone off to a nearby village to gather more 'info'), he felt himself doze off. The next thing he knew, he was standing before the five story tall cage that separated him from the evil demon trapped within him. A pair of blood-red eyes shone deeply through the bars at him. A large smile split across the demon's face, giving Naruto a feeling of dread at what it might be wanting with him.
"Hello, Kit," the demon spawn greeted in a voice that was a bit more cheerful than usual. "How are you?"
Naruto blinked in wonder. "You're sure in a good mood, bastard fox. ...And did you just call me 'Kit'?"
"Well of course I called you Kit, Kit," the fox replied, its voice practically glowing with sunshine now. "I am practically your mother, after all."
"THE HELL YOU ARE!" the blond screeched.
"But I am," it insisted. "Think about it: I've been with you since the day you were born, I've protected you from danger when all those evil people tried to kill you, I'm-"
"-the cause of all the grief in my life, the reason why everyone hates me, the-"
"Okay okay, so I haven't been the best parent up to this point. But I can make it up to you now!"
Naruto sighed deeply. The fox must have gone insane from being locked up for so long. "I'm going to hate myself for asking this...but how can you possibly make it up to me?"
"Well Kit, I think it's about time that you and I did some family bonding, and by bonding I mean that we should fuse ourselves together."
"Not gonna happen," he answered, already turning to walk away.
"Aww, come on! What's the worst that could happen if you do?" the fox whined in a very high-pitched tone. "If we fuse together you'll get super strong. Stronger than a Hokage, even!"
"I can get super-strong and become Hokage without sharing my body with you any more than I already do," he called over his shoulder.
The fox didn't relent. "But if we fuse together you'll become more bishonen!"
"I'm already bishonen."
"But you'll be MORE bishonen! You'll be sexier than Sasuke and Kakashi and Neji combined and all the women in the village will love you!"
"And that will make all of the MEN in the village hate me even more! And why the hell would I want an entire village of women after me? I mean sure, two or three women would be cool, maybe even four or five depending on who they were, but hundreds of them? Even you can't give me that kind of stamina."
"No, God damnit!"
"If we fuse you might grow fox ears or a tail!" Kyubi blurted out.
Naruto stopped in his tracks, and slowly turned back to face it. "Really?"
"It's possible," the beast said with a shrug.
Naruto looked thoughtful. "I've always wanted to look like one of those animal-hybrid people that you read about in manga, although they're usually women..." He shook his head roughly. "NO! Absolutely not! Nothing, but NOTHING, is going to make me decide to fuse my body with you!"
Tears welled up in the monster's giant red eyes. "But why not?"
"Because I hate you!"
The fox sniffled. "I know you don't really mean that...but if you really don't want to fuse with me, I guess I can't force you to. But...could you just do one little thing for me, dear?"
"I might do it if you promise to never, ever call me 'dear' again," he growled.
"Well, it's just...would you please call me Mommy from now on?"
"Go to hell, fox!" he shouted, turning on his heels and stomping off.
"Good children don't talk to their mothers like that!" Kyubi called after him. "You are grounded, Mister!"
Things went on as usual for a few more weeks. Naruto continued his training with Jiraiya and the Kyubi didn't speak with him again. Naruto had almost put the whole thing out of his mind when one day, he was ambushed by all nine members of Akatsuki. Even the two who never showed their faces or gave their names were there.
Needless to say, without Jiraiya (more 'info' gathering) to help him, poor Naruto didn't stand a chance, and was quickly sliced, diced, impaled, blown up, drained of chakra, subjected to the Mangekyo Sharingan, and eaten and partially digested in no time flat.
In the last few seconds of his life, Naruto was brought back to the sewer where the Kyubi was waiting and crying its eyes out.
"Now don't you see, Kit?" it blubbered loudly. "If you had just fused with me this never would have happened!"
"Fox," the blond boy grumbled. "I've lost both legs, one arm, there's a hole in my lung, my brain is melting from genjutsu overload and my body is being broken down by the digestive juices of a Venus Flytrap. I REALLY don't need to hear a fucking lecture from you right now!"
"But you still have time!" the fox cried. "Just tear off part of the seal on the cage and we can still fuse together! You'll get all your limbs back and everything! Please sweetie, I don't want you to die and, in turn, die along with you!"
Naruto was silent for several agonizing moments. "...Oh fine, damnit. What's the worst that could really happen? I guess joining bodies with you can't be quite as bad as this."
"YAY!" the Kyubi cheered, waving victory fans with its nine tails. "I knew I could count on you, Kit!"
Naruto slowly crawled his way over to the cell and pulled himself up the bars with his remaining arm. As he reached up to rip the seal, he stopped. "Now you're sure that I'll get fox ears and a tail if I do this?"
He sighed, and then ripped the seal at the corner.
Outside of Naruto's mind, the leader of Akatsuki was in a rage.
"You MORONS!" he berated the others. "I told you to take him alive!"
The others all had the audacity to look embarrassed.
"Sorry boss," Zetsu said. "I guess we just got a bit carried away."
"YOU ATE HIM!" the leader bellowed at the plant man.
"Well...maybe he's still alive?" Kisame suggested.
"Yeah...yeah," Deidara agreed.
"Don't be retarded! Not even Hidan could live through all of that."
"I could so!" Hidan argued. "Watch, I'll prove it! Zetsu, rip off my limbs and eat me!"
"SHUT UP!" the mysterious man shouted. "This is just great! Without all nine biju we can't complete my master plan of indescribable evil that I have yet to tell you all about! I hope you're all happy with yourselves; you've completely smashed my dreams! I may as well just disband Akatsuki right now-"
His tirade was cut off by a sickening tearing noise. Everyone turned, and froze when they saw a glowing-red hand sticking out of Zetsu's stomach. They continued to watch in disgust as the hole grew wider until Naruto, completely healed and burning with righteous angry, emerged from the wound. Zetsu stared down at himself, and fell over dead.
Nobody moved for a long time.
Kisame finally spoke. "See boss, I told you he was still okay."
"I'll be damned," 'The Boss' muttered blankly. "Well good, make damn sure that you take him alive this time!"
Three and a half minutes later, the tattered and very dead remains of Akatsuki littered the grounds around Naruto, who stood unmoving with a sour look on his face.
"That was wonderful, Kit!" Kyubi gushed. "I knew that fusing would be the best thing for you!" When Naruto failed to respond, she grew worried. "Kit, what's wrong?"
"Where is my tail?" he demanded.
The fox sweatdropped. "Uh...well, I guess-"
"And my foxy ears?"
"I...I only said there was a possibility that you would get them, didn't I?"
Naruto sighed sadly. Why did these things always have to happen to him?
Upon Jiraiya's return to find all of Akatsuki dead and Naruto super-powered and sexy (And he meant SEXY. That long hair, those blue eyes, those heavily defined facial features and rippling muscles...the kid could bend the straightest of guys with ease looking like that. And the women, whoa! He couldn't even imagine), he found himself at a bit of a loss. The whole reason for bringing Naruto along for three years was to help prepare him for Akatsuki, and now that they were all dead, that pretty much sent all of his future plans down the drain.
The two decided to make the most of the situation and continue training for a bit longer.
The next day, Naruto learned every jutsu that Jiraiya possessed. He'd even altered a vast majority of them and made them many times more effective than the Sannin would have even thought possible.
The day after that, the Kyubi decided to teach Naruto some of her own techniques, and since she'd lived for over a thousand years, there was plenty for her to teach him. He still mastered them all before the sun came up again.
The day after that, while traveling they met the nicest group of gaijin girls, who offered to teach Naruto some techniques that even the Kyubi had never heard of. These techniques were rather complicated; they took two full days for him to learn instead of just one.
And so it went for the next week or so; Naruto learning techniques and quickly becoming the living embodiment of Bishamonten, Jiraiya having little to do other than spend the days gathering research, and Kyubi growing even more OoC than when the story started. And quite frankly, Naruto was getting sick of it.
"Hey fox," he called out one night while lying in his sleeping bag.
"Yes, dear?" the demoness answered from within his head.
"I need you to be perfectly honest with me for a minute."
"Of course, sweetums. I'll always be honest with you. Just say what's on your mind. I could just read it myself, of course, but I know how you like your privacy."
Naruto's brow furrowed from stress. He might be able to hide some of his thoughts from his unwelcome roommate, but he had yet to figure out how to keep the fox's voice out of his head when he didn't want it there. "Yeah...So I'm wondering...did you somehow come across some really bad opium last month?"
He could mentally feel the fox blinking in confusion at the question. "What would ever make you think that, darling?"
"Oh, I don't know...maybe the sudden change you had; going from being a bloodthirsty, rampaging demon bent on the collapse of all Konoha to wanting to be my new 'mother' and fusing with me?"
"Oh that," Kyubi said with a laugh. "That's nothing unusual, baby. You have that sort of effect on every-"
"And that too," he said a bit more agitated. "What's with all the little nicknames? I know I've never had a real mother before, but I'm pretty certain that mothers aren't suppose to call their kids most of those things."
"...Whatever do you mean, snookums?"
"I mean," His voice grew even louder. "That you sound like you're talking to me as a...well, as a lover or something, instead of a child."
"Oh that's just ridiculous, honey buns. That's just a mother giving pet-names to her Kit. All parents do that."
"Then how do you explain all the times I hear you whistling and growling every time I get undressed?"
"...W-well, isn't it natural for a mother to compliment their children on their looks? It's not like there are any hidden motives for doing it, right?"
"And what about that time I was training without my shirt on and you kept muttering 'Oh yeah, work that body you sexy beast'?"
"...I uh...I said that out loud, did I?"
"Oh..." A long and painful silence blanketed the area. "Listen, as long as we're on the subject-"
"Don't even say it, you bastard!"
"I'm just saying; what's the worst that could happen?"
"PLENTY!" he growled, starting to feel a bit ill at the gruesome thoughts that were invading his mind.
"I could just materialize myself out of your body as a sexy young human female-"
"If you could materialize yourself out of my body in any sort of physical form, wouldn't you have done it the moment you got sealed?" he questioned.
The fox actually sounded a bit sheepish. "I would have, but I wanted to stay with you so I could protect you," she mumbled. "And now, I just...well...you're just so damn SEXY, I can't help myself! Oh if I just conjured up a body of my own, I would rock you SO HARD-"
"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!" he screamed. In a flurry he jumped from his bedding, dashed to the nearest large rock and began bashing his head against it, hoping to knock himself into a blissful and uninterruptible unconsciousness, or at the very least, give himself enough pain to distract himself from the new mental images that the fox was broadcasting into his brain. Unfortunately for him, by this point he had reached near invincibility in regards to strength and durability, so he felt absolutely no pain and the rock was quickly reduced to a pile of gravel.
"...Kit?" Kyubi spoke up cautiously. "If you're into that pain sort of thing, I'm sure I could give you that, too."
Tears appeared in Naruto's eyes. What had he ever done to deserve this?
One month later, Naruto found himself standing at the gates of Konohagakure. It was a melancholy return to be sure, especially after what happened to Jiraiya ten days ago. Naruto still wasn't over it yet, but he had to look on the positive side; at least he'd completely destroyed Orochimaru, Sasuke and pretty much all of Otogakure in the process.
At this point, Naruto truly had become an immortal. He had mastered every single jutsu known to man, invented about three hundred more, he could travel miles in the blink of an eye, and according to Kyubi, sharing the demon's life force would allow Naruto to live for a good thousand years before he even started showing signs of aging.
He didn't think such a thing was possible, but he truly had become...too powerful; So much so that it took constant, full concentration to keep it from running wild on its own.
And still, his life felt empty. He was fourteen years old and he already felt like there was nothing left to accomplish in his life.
That was when Kyubi suggested going back to Konoha to become Hokage, then he could send messages to the other nations asking them to sign an eternal treaty under him, making him the first ever Mizu-Kaze-Rai-Tsuchi-Hokage, unifier and ruler of the entire known world. No one would dare reject the offer, not once word of what happened to Oto reached them all.
The fox went on to tell Naruto that if he were to find a few suitable girls that he wouldn't mind spending the next thousand years with, she could infuse a tiny part of herself into all of them to expand their lives. Then Naruto could live out his long life with his harem of wives, creating the strongest clan in existence and being loved and respected by everyone.
He had to admit, after everything else that had happened in the last few months, that didn't sound so bad. What was the worst that could come of it, after all?
And so it went, Naruto returned to the admiration of every woman and the envy of every man. He picked out twelve of his closest female friends for his harem (while Kyubi grumbled about never getting her turn), and two days later, his ascension ceremony was held.
It turned out to be the biggest gathering of people in history. Everyone from every village in every nation showed up in Konoha to witness the crowning of the legendary boy. It was so crowded that the crowds pushed out past the boundary of the village. Everyone watched on in anticipation at the great undertaking about to take place.
Naruto walked out onto the balcony of the new Mizu-Kaze-Rai-Tsuchi-Hokage tower, listening to the people cheering for him. He felt happier now than he had in his whole life. He waited for the crowd to settle down, then spoke.
And that's when it happened.
A gentle wind picked up. It wasn't much, but it was enough to blow a strand of his long hair under his nose, making it twitch.
"O-oh shit!" he stammered, trying valiantly to hold it back, but to no avail. "Ah...AH...AHH-CHOO!"
Konoha blew up.
The pure, unmitigated burst of power that was released in that sudden lose of bodily control was like a nuclear bomb being dropped on the village, and everything within a fifty mile radius of the place went up in a blinding explosion.
When the dust settled, Naruto gazed around, finding nothing but blackened ruins everywhere he looked. There was nothing left. The village, the people...oh God, the millions of people from all over the world, all gone, just like that!
His super amazing abilities which should have been a blessing on his tragic life had brought about the Apocalypse!
He stood there, mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out, for a long time, when finally, the Kyubi spoke.
"I don't know about you, Kit," she cooed. "But all this genocide has really made me hot! And since we're all alone now..."
OMAKE! ALTERNATE ENDING!
He stood there, mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out, for a long time, when finally, the Kyubi spoke...or rather, laughed.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" the demon laughed sinisterly. "FINALLY! After all this time and effort, I'VE FINALLY DESTROYED KONOHA!"
Naruto was stunned. "Wait...you mean you planned this?"
"Of course, you dumbass human!" it cried triumphantly. "I'm a demon, for God's sake! Evil Incarnated! You didn't really think I was really a female who cared about you and wanted to be your 'Mommy', did you?" His dark laughter grew louder. "That was all just an excuse to get you to fuse with me so I could turn you into the ultimate killing machine with unlimited powers! Then all I had to do was wait for you to slip up again like you did in Oto, but who would have thought that it would have happened so quickly!"
Naruto was dumbfounded beyond rational thought. "So...you didn't really want to have sex with me?"
"Oh, there is a god! A sweet and merciful God!" he cried to the sky. "But...if it was all just a plot to destroy Konoha, why did you have to go through all of that freaky crap about wanting to be my mother and have sex with me?"
"Shits and giggles!"
Naruto grimaced. "You really are evil, you asshole!"
"I know! And now that Konoha and all the other village's populations have been wiped out, my dark deeds are complete! I'm the master of the world and there's no one left that can stop me!"
Another round of roaring laughter followed, but slowly died down to silence as the demon and host shared a thought. Naruto was the one to ask it.
"Actually...I don't know, I didn't have any other plans besides wiping out Konoha," it admitted.
There was an awkward silence as the two considered their situation.
"...You uh, know how to play shouji?"
Naruto sighed. "No, but I suppose we have plenty of time to learn."
The Alternate End
Author's Notes: Hope you liked that. I added the alternate ending because I didn't know which one really captured the moment better. I guess you all can decide for yourselves, huh?
Bishamon is the Japanese God of Warfare, hence the term used for Naruto's abilities.